Sunday, August 10, 2008

Welcome to My World... The things I know about it.

Depression... such a confusing and sometimes terrifying state of mind. What brings it on? What makes it stronger at times? Why do some suffer more and why does it take some to the very brink of the end and not others? Is it their make-up inside? The way they look at life, even through sad eyes? There are I am sure 1000 reasons or answers to those questions. The way the are answered is greatly influenced by the frame of mind one is in when the questions are asked. There are a lot of studies concerning depression that help to answer the questions medically or clinically. Abuse. Past physical, sexual, or emotional abuse. Certain medications.Conflict. Death or a loss. Sadness or grief from the death or loss of a loved one.Genetics. A family history of depression may increase the risk. It’s thought that depression is passed genetically from one generation to the next. The exact way this happens, though, is not known. Major events. Even good events such as starting a new job, graduating, or getting married can lead to depression. So can moving, losing a job or income, getting divorced, or retiring. Other personal problems. Serious illnesses.Substance abuse. Nearly 30% of people with substance abuse problems also have major or clinical depression.
Those above are just a few of the reasons why one becomes depressed. I think that even in knowing the real reason for depression, it still will come down to the individual and where they are at in their minds. I know that for me, a sufferer of not only depression but of Bipolar and Turrets, that life comes at me from all angles and it can come on with little or no warning signs. It can take me from the state of smiling and loving life to that place where no one ever truly wants to go. A place that I have heard people say "If he would just ignore it or take control, he doesn't HAVE to be that way." What a statement to make. For many, such as myself, that is like saying "He doesn't have to breathe. He can just get over it." Breathing is a part of living just as Depression is a part of living for me.
Do I want to be in this place of darkness? Do I enjoy being here? Is it alright to feel this way!?? The answer to all of those questions is "Hell NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I do NOT want to be in this place and I do not enjoy it and NO,it is certainly NOT alright to be this way. Medications don't work for me. Therapy helps a bit if you get the right person that is willing to listen and give ideas on what might help to lessen or slow down the depressive state of mind in which one may find themselves. It is a hard row to hoe and the bad that creeps up on me takes me to the darkest side of the world. I feel as if I have faulted people in some way. I feel as if I have no worth and that the only thing I am good at or for is hurting someone. That by knowing me and caring for me, you are setting yourself up for a hurt.
Today, this moment as I type furiously {a symptom of the disorders}i am there. I feel inside I have hurt some people today. I feel I have caused them to leave me and there is little or nothing anyone could say that would change my thinking right now. I think of My Sheila and the suffering she lived through every day and wonder why I could not be as strong as she was. Only her unconditional love for me allowed us to stay as one even though I hurt her in such a bad way. I pray God can forgive me for that one. The feeling of wondering what purpose I even serve being here on earth escapes me today. Though I am sure it is out there, I certainly do NOT feel it nor see it any where nearby. tears flow as I miss My Sheila and as I think about all i have done that caused her heart to hurt and perhaps...and yes I do go here, maybe caused her to feel it was time or alright to move on to Heaven. I cry for the friends I caused to go away or stop talking because my attitude was anything but good or helpful.
To go away today and just not come back??? If not for my daughters and my parents, perhaps I would opt for a different place of being or not being. This is the world I live in. This is the state of mind in which books are written and ideas are born. Scary to think that the farther into the Abyss I fall, the better the novel I kick out for others to read. This world of mine, filled with sadness from which I have no clue where it came from, is a place I am far to familiar with. Will my writing here scare you away? Will it cause you to look at me now in a totally different way? Am I in fact tainted goods in your eyes now? Trust in me when i tell you that MY mind has all of these questions today.Thank God that still have my daughters and that there are still things I want to do in this life. To cut another Cd, to write that best selling novel some day. To see my daughters both happy and with someone that will treat them good and make them happy the rest of their lives. For them to know the love I knew with My Sheila. Those things help to keep me grounded for today, for this moment in time.
Love me, stand with me... even give of yourself to me. But know that this is the world I live in. This is where, just because I blinked, I was knocked into an Abyss of sadness that scares the hell right out of me. Forgive me for the way I am and for the inside pain I may or may not have caused you. I wish... I wish so much that I were different. But I am who and what I am. A loving man that would give to you anything i owned and never ask for it back.I would give up my bed for your comfort and ask nothing in return. I would even lay down my life for you if I thought it would help you to live better or longer. A man that loves everyone and gives all he has but can never belong nor be possessed by one person. I need to feel that I can reach out to anyone that is in need of anything I have to give.
For all of my faults, I am a good man...

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