Thursday, February 25, 2010

Time... dictator to the world.

Time... it means so many things to people. Something that so many consider important, but for different reasons. It dictates our lives even if we don't want it to. We start our day by a clock that wakes us. We eat because it is "time" to eat. We sleep when it is that time too. Andddd, we love it when we have a day off so that we can set the alarm for much later and sleep in. Wait... "we?" Nope, that would not be me nor anyone that is bipolar or any other disorder of the mind.
How are we different? What sets us apart from the "norm?" My sleep habits are not dictated by an alarm clock. Sometimes, I wish it was. I start my day normally before the alarm has a chance to wake me. I eat when the mood strikes me and sometimes, if depressed or really having what I call a "Bipolar" day, the mood may not strike me at all. If not for others around me, I would for certain eat only every few days. I sleep when my mind allows me to sleep. That sleep is usually Very late at night, or early in the morning, however you choose to look at it. Sleep for me is a nap for most. Three hours feels like 8 and my body is rested. As for the mind, it never stops nor rests. Thoughts race through my head and wake me in the night. I flip over, I toss and I sit up, sometimes to light up a cig and take a few puffs.
Time has very little meaning to me. I think that most bipolar people are this way. I may not get the desire to begin a project until 3 a.m. and then I am ready to go. I may decide that 8 p.m. is a great time to do things outside. Not really unlike regular people, I think, I wish that there were 3 hours of dark and 21 hours of light. Dark is not a necessity for sleep for me. I can sleep virtually any time, any place, including stair steps. I do NOT recommend them for sleeping as waking suddenly, not realizing you are still on the steps can be a little dangerous and painful. I AM talking from experience on that one.
If it stayed light 21 hours a day, then this crazy, bipolar...{ooops, did I use the "C" word? ;)"}mind of mine could function on it's own time. I could stroll outside in the middle of the night and gather my thoughts. I could sit outside and write in my newest novel with the air outside touching my face, inspiring me to tell my readers how wonderful it felt. I could work in my garden at 2 a.m. and walk around the lake just because I needed to clear my head a little. Maybe I am not so unlike others. I don't know. I hate time telling me when I must do something. I hate the fact that I may suddenly need to go somewhere at the same time that I decided it was a good time to do something else. I hate that "life" sometimes gets in the way of "Living." Does that even make sense?
Give me a world that life happens because you created a reason for it to happen,. A world that you do things when they strike you and there is no time to start nor any time to end. Just a world that i can stop and smell the roses or sit down and cry a river and not have something staring me in the face. I function in "their" world because I truly must. I disconnect from the world more often than I care for the world to know. Only those that love me know when I have. At least Most of the time. I know my responsibilities and they do Not weigh me down. I love so many things that life gives to me and the blessings that fill my day and night. It truly is about time... a time dictated world that sometimes interferes with my need to unplug from it's chaos. A world that makes me so anxietic and leaves me feeling lost and a bit jerky and clicking... terms known to anyone that is or loves a bipolar person.
Time... something I am out of right now and wished I was not. I think today, I could write non stop and never ever empty this mind of mine. It is over flowing and I wished I knew what to do with it all. Wow!!!!!! "And that's all I am gonna say about that." Forrest Gump.............

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

For those that Love Us... Thank you always

Reaching out to those that are bipolar or that love and/or care for someone that is, I open my mind and my heart today. While shopping with my family a few days ago, I was taken back a bit by the realization that I truly am "high Maintenance." But this isn't about those that suffer from this disorder today. This is about those that love us. The ones that deal with our ways every single day.
I watch my family while we are in the store and they watch me closely. I sometimes wander through the store and then find myself standing... staring at whatever happened to catch my attention. I wait patiently, time meaning very little to me at that moment, for someone know to come along and touch my hand. At that point, I am free to roam once again. It isn't as if I can not go into a store alone. I can do that and as long as the crowd doesn't get too rude or over-whelming, I am good to go. It is simply that my mind wanders sometimes and I find myself extremely anxietic. Life for me and most bipolars is that way anyways. Even on my good days, the world is disconnected from me and my thoughts. The wrong time, the wrong place... the wrong anything for me, leaves me unable to accept the way the world is today.
Shards of yesterday and yester-year fill my mind and I find myself some-where between reality and what is real only to me. Those that love me and care for me can see these things and reach out and touch me, bringing me back to a world that isn't truly compatible with me. Our loved ones never know which "flag" is up. Is it ok to touch me? Is it alright to bring up certain subjects? Will her kisses make me slip back into reality or will they take my mind far away to where I fear that I am unable to bring myself to a place of comfort. Will a spoken word set me off on some wild moment of jerking and clicking and talking to "myself?"
Our loved ones have little choice but to live in our world a lot of the time they are near us. We ourselves easily slip into a mode of happy or not happy. We can leave the world that we fear and go away to a place that our loved ones are unable to touch us in. We can shift from happy to sad and back again and never think about it. We can be extremely excited about nothing at all and in a single instant, we are sad beyond anyones imagination. Nothing out of the ordinary for us but the ones that love us are left to deal with those roller coaster rides and somehow be there to pick us up when we fall out of the roller coaster car. They try to minimize the damages and sort out whether we are approachable at the time or not. We could write a book titled "how to go from sane to psycho and back in 30 seconds.
I wonder... do you tell the one you call safety Thank you now and then for all they endure? It isn't simply day to day emotions or ideas of grandeur that they must deal with. It isn't just the fears that We have they must try and calm or understand. It is living with the knowledge that the very person they love, the one they worry about and walk with and try to hold when ever they can that they must deal with. It is living with the knowledge, though not necessarily the understanding, that this person they love so deeply could wake up one morning and say "I don't want this any more. I am leaving." The knowing that every single day is both brand new and a carry over from the day before and the day before that and as far back as the issues may be. They endure and love us anyways.
Living with a bipolar person is not something everyone can do. those that stay with us through it all are precious and blessings. Take the time to thank them now and then. Let them know that you DO know all they must endure to be with you. And please, trust me on this one. They Do love you... They Must. Other-wise, they would not bear the brunt of where our minds take us. They would simply go away from us.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

The Half-lings... The End??????

One by one the Humans died. Some tried to run to the safety of their vehicles while others simply closed their eyes and fired their rifles until they were empty, waiting for the final blow that would end their lives. The beasts fought side by side with the She-cats and discovered that perhaps their hatred for one another had been a fight that was no longer theirs.
Leandra fought with a savagery that she did not even know she possessed. She killed the humans with fury and hatred. A hatred she knew would never be appeased by only killing these men. She called out to her kinsmen.
"These men have families, lovers or someone they care for just as we do! We will hunt them down and wipe out their legacy as they have ours tonight. We will do this as one tribe, one pride, to ensure the safety of our species and for vengeance for the loved ones they have taken from us. Who will fight with me!?!? Beast-men, your leader lays in a cave, possibly dieing from the wounds inflicted by the man that called himself Michael's father."
"We will fight with you, Leandra! So say the Beast-men!" The Beast-men raised their weapons in the air and roared.
The screams had stopped and the two groups stopped to lick their wounds. They had defeated the humans at a high price. Over half of the Beast-men and She-cats had been killed. The sun slowly rose above the trees and shined it's light down into the forest. Beasts changed to humans as did the She-cats. They sat together, looking at one another. Leandra went to the cave that Michael's was in. She prayed that she would not find him dead. She needed Michael in her life and could not imagine him Not there. Entering the cave, she found Lori, sitting beside Michael's body. She had covered him completely, from head to toe, with her coat and under-shirt. Leandra felt her heart skip and tears began to flow, even before she reached him. Lori reached out her hand to steady Leandra's walk.
"I did everything that I could do for him, Leandra. I just didn't know enough of how to treat me."
Leandra fell to the floor beside Michael. She grasped his hand in hers, the tears flowing steady onto the floor. She rubbed his hand on her face and kissed it gently.
"Tell me he is just healing, Lori. Please tell me he isn't gone. He was the one that saw the true me. He knew me enough to know I would fight at his side forever. I need him, Lori." Her statement sounded more like a plea to Lori.
"There is no pulse, Lea. There has not been one for hours. He is gone."
"No-o-o-o-o!" Leandra grabbed Lori and tossed her to the floor. For the first time in her life, Lori felt afraid of Leandra. "Go," Leandra screamed in what was almost a growl. "Leave here and never, ever look upon our kind again! If I see you after this day, I Will kill you for the human that you are!"
"Leandra, please,' Lori cried out. "I am Not one of them. All of the humans are Not like those men that killed Michael! Do not do this to me! I am your friend."
"I will turn my back for a moment. When I look back again, if you are still here, I will simply kill you!"
Lori could see Leandra beginning to change. She knew in that instant that Leandra meant what she said. The She-cat would only see a human now. No longer would she see Lori as her best friend. She would see her as one of many that killed the man she loved. Lori turned and ran as fast as she could out of the cave and to her car. never looking back, she drove away from the forest, her eyes so filled with tears she could barely see. Today, she had lost the best friend she had ever known. A friend she trusted with her life and now, feared for her life because of her.
Leandra kissed Michael once more and covered him. She went to the entrance of the cave and climbed to the top of the entrance. Calling out to her pride, in moments she was surrounded by She-cats and Beast-men.
"He is gone! The humans took his life! I need you to pull the cave walls down around the entrance so that no one can enter here again!"
The creatures joined forces again and soon the entire front of the cave was crashing in around the entrance. They all sat in front of the cave when it was sealed and bowed in reverence to the man... the Beast-man that had changed their worlds forever.
"Today, we lost a great man," Leandra growled. "We will stay in hiding and one by one, avenge the man we all loved and my Mother! We will start with the families of the humans that tried to erase our species from the face of the earth! After they are all gone, we will kill humans entire They are annihilated or we... are all dead! Are you with me!?!?!?!? YOU are my family, now! Who will fight with me!?!?!?!"
The roars and screams and raising of clubs told Leandra that she would not fight alone. She cried as they all walked into the deep forest...


It was dark and cold. He could not see his hand in front of his face. His body ached when he tried to stand. How long had he been here? Where was Lori and Leandra? The cave dust on his clothing and the bats hanging near him, their feces rank, told Michael he had been here for at least a week. He walked to what was once the entrance to the cave. He began to move the boulders, one at a time. This was going to be a long day. He would find Leandra and together, they would make a life together. He loved her with all he was and he would not stop until they were standing side by side...

Saturday, February 13, 2010

The Half-lings Pt 7

Michael returned quick and the group gathered close around him. They were ready to end this battle once and for all.
"I will not lie to you. Some us you will die tonight. These men are fully armed and want to kill us badly. They will not stop until everyone of us are dead... or they are. We have to fight with all of the animal instinct we were born with. Abandoned the life of being half human for now. Let the wild animal in you take over. We must fight as they will fight... to the end. None can be allowed to escape to come back another time! But remember, Michaelie is Mine! I will be the one to kill him!
A strange group, She-cats and Beasts together, fighting for the same cause. Survival of their species. Together they slipped into the forest, all in one movement. They broke off into groups, a mix of She-cats and Beast-men. Calamine was following Michael and he stopped her.
"You are a leader, Cal. You need to lead some of the groups in the opposite direction of me. Leandra trusts you to lead in her absence and that is good enough for me. Together we can defeat these creatures."
"You are right, Michael and Leandra was correct in saying you were a great leader. You two will lead together perfectly. I will take a group to the left and you go to the right. We may need to come in behind them to have the advantage."
"You are wise and we will do things your way for now. We will meet in the center behind the humans. Be safe, Cal."
Shots could be heard from the center of the forest. The humans were finding She-cats and beasts that were lost and trying to find their families. Some were unaware that the two had joined as one. They passed one another in the forest, both hoping neither saw the other. As Calamine or Michael found some of them, they quickly explained the plan and moved on.
Michael sniffed the air, searching for the one scent that he knew would make him toss all reason aside. He wanted to find the man that was his father and ask him before he killed him why he hated him so. The screams from the forest only served to make his anger grow. He wasn't even sure now if he would have the strength to ask the question. He might just simply Kill Him.
"I can smell the creatures, Men! We can kill the cats easier now that we have killed their leader. They will be confused and wandering!"
"Michaelie, why are why finding both so close together? I thought the cats and beasts were enemies?"
"I have heard that the Beast and a She-cat have found each other. Perhaps they are closer than we think. That is why we Must kill them tonight. They can not be allowed to breed! The leader of the Beasts will fall tonight at My hands. Injure him, subdue him, leave him near death but Do Not Kill him! He belongs to me!"
The men walked on, separating into two groups. They searched the forest, listening for any sounds of the animals. They were killing them as quick as they found them. Many cats and beasts had died in the past few hours of darkness. It was few and far between now. The men wondered where the others were. They knew they had Not killed them all yet. Not knowing where the animals had gone to left a bit of fear in the men's minds.
Michael saw Calamine and her group coming in from the side. She saw him and nodded to him. As they neared the center, Michael felt something touch his shoulder. He turned to see Leandra behind him.
"What are you doing here!?!?! You are not strong enough to fight!"
"Michael, I am better and I will not let the one I love fight without me beside him. We will not argue about this. It is simply done. Let us go finish this."
She took her place with Calamine and thanked her for standing in her stead. Suddenly, the trees moved in front of them. Birds that had been sheltered in the trees took to flight. The animals all turned towards the sound of the trees. As the tree's parted, the animals found themselves face to face with the humans. Both humans and animals stared at one another, neither certain what to do. Michael sniffed the air. He found the scent he was searching for. At that moment, the men raised their rifles. Cats and Beasts scattered into the protection of the thicket. Shots rang out and screams filled the air. Screams of both humans and animals filled the forest. Animals began to attack, slipping below the bullets and wrapping them selves around the legs of the shooters. Pulling them down to the ground, the animals killed them quickly. Blood now covered their coats and the ground looked like a red river. Men died now, un-mercifully at the hands of the beasts and the deadly claws of the She-cats. Some of the men tried to run into the forest to save themselves. They were killed as they tried to find their way out. The battled raged on for what seemed to be hours and suddenly, the animals slowly taking control. Michael saw the man he would kill. He raced from the crowd and approached Michaelie. "So, you have found me, have you?
Michael resisted the desire to kill the man in front him. He needed an answer to his question. Michaelie tried to raise his rifle but Micheal stripped it from his fathers hands.
"I need to know why you hate me so."
His father stared at him. His eyes were filled with both confusion and hatred. He stepped back from Michael. He spoke with animosities in his voice.
"I hate you because you are what I fought to Not be. I found a way to lead a normal life. I found your mother and she did Not tell me she was a freak! I fell in love with her and wanted a Son that was normal. She gave me you and so i killed her! I hate you because of the creature you are. I want you dead because I do NOT want my blood-line tainted and corrupted by the creature you are! I want you and the other creature dead!!!!"
Michael looked at the man before him. He felt nothing for him nor did he care any longer that this man was his father. He sliced through the air and his claws caught the man's face. Michaelie screamed as blood covered him and Michael. He reached out to Michael but Michael stepped back and watch his father fall to the ground dead. As he snarled at the dead man a stinging sensation surged through his shoulder. The power of the bullet ripped at his body and sent him to the ground. Three men surrounded Michael and raised their rifles.
"You are going to die, Beast!" He aimed his rifle at Michael's head and began pulling back on the trigger. "Goodbye, you freak!"
"He may indeed die, human, but today is Not the day!"
Michael looked up and saw Leandra standing behind the men. A Beast stood beside her, growling low. the man's finger pulled back and the shot rang out like a bomb being set off. Micheal's body jerked as the second round hit his back. He screamed in pain and clawed at the ground.
"No, NO, this isn't happening!!!" Leandra moved as she watched Michael's body writhe in pain on the ground. He teeth dug into the mans neck and she ripped his throat open. "You will die now, you spawn! All of you humans are going to die. This I swear to you!"
The beast beside her grabbed two of the men at once and slammed their bodies together over and over until they were lifeless. He growled and then knelt down and picked Michael up. "We will not leave him here. I will find the girl Lori and she will care for him! He will Not die, Leandra!"
"He can't!" Leandra screamed and raised off into the forest to kill the rest of the men. The screams that filled the air now were of humans dieing. The only other sound was Leandra, screaming and growling and Killing...

Friday, February 12, 2010

The Half-lings Pt 6

She watched from the darkness of the trees. The killing was brutal and she wondered if she had made a terrible mistake following Leandra into the forest. Lori felt her body freeze up and she could not make herself move. One by one, the She-cats fell to the ground. The humans were extinguishing them faster than Lori could count. She wanted to help them but she was too scared to leave the hidden place she had found. What would the She-cats do if they found her? She even worried what might happen to her if another human saw her. They might mistake her for a cat that had not changed yet and kill her. That was frighteningly possible.
Suddenly, she was face to face with her biggest fear. The She-cat stared at her and showed it's fangs. The stance told Lori she was about to become very dead. Her thoughts raced to Leandra. She closed her eyes tight and called to her. She begged her with her mind to save her. The She-cat suddenly relaxed it's stance. Lori heard it speak to her in her mind.
"How is it you know our leader? Speak fast before I kill you!"
"She is my best friend. We have known each other since first grade. I know what she is... what You are. I followed her here in homes to help her but I am of no use against this horrific massacre of your pride. Forgive, but I do not know how to help you."
The She-cat softened her stare. She felt no danger from this human. "Stay where you are and you may live. Do not try to help us or you may find yourself very dead."
As the She-cat turned to leave, another shot rang out. Lori screamed as the cats left side exploded in sprays of blood and entrails. The She-cats insides covered Lori and all she could do was scream.
Michael raced through the forest, following Leandra's sceams. He tried to focus but Deanna had taken that ability from him. How could this man that wanted Michael dead be his father? What formula had he found to make him only human? If Michael killed him, he would possibly never know the answer. And if he didn't kill him... this man was determined to kill Michael. He stopped near a small clearing. He could hear Leandra's growl. He could see a man approaching the clearing. The man stopped and raised his rifle.
"I have you now, you She-bitch! I already took care of your mother."
Not being able to see Leandra but knowing she was there, Michael burst into the opening, surprising the man. He grabbed the man with his huge hands and tossed him into a huge Pine. The sound of the man's back snapping told Michael he would need to do no more to him. He ran to Leandra and knelt beside her. He could see the steel trap clamped tight around her back paw.
"Don't move Leandra. I will free you and get you to safety."
Leandra touched a paw to Michael's face. She screamed out as the trap was opened and blood-flow returned to her paw. The pain was excruciating and she felt as if she might faint.
"Stay with me, Love," Michael whispered to her. "I will not lose you to these creatures that call themselves Humans! I have loved you for a thousand lifetimes and I will not let you slip away from me now."
"I have always loved you Michael. Together we will defeat these men. HE said he killed my mother, Michael. I must find her and see that she is alright."
Michael tied a cloth around her paw. He knew she would heal fast. He picked her up in his behemoth arms. As he gently laid his head on her soft fur, he whispered softly in her ear. "She is gone, sweetheart. She died in my arms. I am so sorry I could not save her."
"Did she say anything to you before she died, Michael?"
"She told me to take care of you. And, she told me that the leader of these men... is my father."
"Oh my God, Michael! What are you going to do?"
"I am going to do what your mother said, Leandra. I am going to kill him."
Michael carried Leandra to a cave deep in the forest. He placed her on a high slate shelf. "You will be safe here until you heal."
"No Michael, I want to fight at your side." Leandra had changed to her human form now. The healing would be easier for her. Michael looked at her as she lay on the rock. Her emerald eyes and golden hair made him think of a fairy-tale princess. He was so very in love with her and he wanted only to have her forever.
"You will fight beside me, Love, but not until you are healed. Stay here until I come back to you."
"MIchael, you Will come back for me, won't you?"
"I promise you, Leandra. Only death could keep me away from you now."
"Then stay alive, Michael. I want forever with you."
Michael touched her face, his huge rough hands, gentle and soft on her skin, told her he would love her forever. In an instant, Michael was back in the forest. He followed the sounds of the gun-fire and screams. Three men died while he trekked though the trees. It was quick and nearly painless for them, he thought. He stopped another man from Killing a She-cat by tossing him over a small cliff, into the river below them. As he stood to sniff the air for the man he sought, he felt a stabbing pain in his shoulder. His growl could be heard through out the forest. Turning to face his attacker, it was not the man he was seeking. This man was not his father.
"I will be the Hero when I bring your ugly carcass back to Michalie. How proud he will be of me when he sees i have killed his freak off-spring."
"Too bad you won't be telling him that story, you murderer!"
Michael knew the voice behind the threat. Leandra had been friends with her all through school. Michael looked at Lori, her small frame dwarfed against the man that would kill Michael. Before the man could get turned to see his attacker, he heard the shots ring out. His body jerked to the left and then to the right side before falling to the ground. He never saw who had ended his boasting forever.
Michael ran to Lori. Her body nearly disappeared when his arms wrapped around her.
"Easy big boy, I am not as big as you."
Michael released his hold on Lori. "What are you doing here? You should not have come here."
"Oh, you think? I know that now but it is a little late. Tell me where Leandra is. She is alive, isn't she?"
"She is wounded but safe. I will take you there to hide you and perhaps you can help here to heal. There is No talk of this. It is just the way it is to be."
The tree's behind Michael suddenly splintered. He wrapped himself around Lori to protect her. Standing in front of him now was the survivors of his clan. They were armed with guns taken from humans and tree's that they had uprooted to use as weapons. Michael approached the front beast.
"How did you get here so quickly, Antony? I left you far away so you would be safe."
"We healed and knew where you had come. We could not let you have all the fun."
The trees rustled a bit again. The remaining She-cats now stood with them. Calamine, the leader if Leandra were killed stepped forward.
"We also do not wish to live our lives out being told how the Beast-men saved our butts. We fight together, as one pride, until this is finished. It is what Deanna wanted, she simply did not know how to make it so. I can still feel Leandra so I know she is alive."
"I hid her where I am going to hide her human friend. Then, as one, we will end this witch hunt forever."
The group roared and growled in unison. There sound echoed through the jungle. The men hunting them cowered for a moment. They knew now that the real battle was about to begin.
"I will be back in a moment and then we kill the humans. Remember this though! The human, Michalie is Mine!!!! If you find him, bring him to me alive!" Michael lowered his head as he spoke now.
"That man... is My Father and it is I that must kill him. Enough said now. Go, find a place to attack unseen. I will join you in a moment!" With those words spoken, Michael and Lori disappeared into the forest. The final battle was about to begin.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Half-lings Pt 5

Leandra and her pride watched as Michael transformed from a man to a huge Man-beast. His long talons and teeth alone sent waves of fear through all of them. Each one knew that this Man-beast could kill them without much effort at all. They watched Leandra as she changed into a She-cat. Her fangs and destructively long talons also had the ability to kill any of them. They were depending on her to end the battle between the cats and man-beasts. To sit and allow one to change before they could kill him was something they had never imagined witnessing in their lives.
"Leandra, he will recover quickly," her mother whispered to her. "If any of the cats realize that you love this beast, or the man inside of him, they will turn on you. You must not say a word to anyone concerning this issue, daughter. And sweetheart, I Do understand more than you might know of the frustrations that go with loving a human."
Leandra nodded and then she returned to Michael. She felt Michael stirring under her touch. He awoke to stare right into Leandra's eyes. He felt his entire being respond to her look and he fought back the urge to take her in his arms and hold her. He was glad he felt no desire to harm her. He stood and looked around him.
"Normally, I would say this was my worst nightmare come to live. Under the circumstances, I am grateful that we might fight side by side in a mutual agreement to drive those that would kill us, away. They Will come tonight! They have already begun their killing spree and they will be here sooner than we wish."
"They have weapons and we nothing to battle them with."
"You have your smarts, you can fight with a fury only those of us that can change could know. We must be ready to give our last breath to the enemy if that is what it takes to defeat the humans."
"I am with Michael. We Must stand and fight if we are going to survive as a species."
"Ok Michael. Tell us what we need to do to defeat them. We will follow you unless it appears you are Not fighting to save us also!"
"Wait! I have a question? Where is the rest of your clan? Why are you the only one fighting?"
Michael turned to look at Deanna just as she was changing. She was larger than most of the She-cats. Her breeding was a true breeding between her father and mother, both from a line that was much larger and vicious than most of the prides.
"I told you, Deanna, our clan was attacked and nearly wiped out. Those that did survive are not fit to fight. We must do this with out them."
Darkness had fallen now. The shadows that followed them through the trees left to question whether it was their own or those of the enemy. Leandra and Michael walked side by side. Now and then, he would gently reach down and touch her fur. She growled low, not an unfriendly growl at all. They found a place that allowed them to look out over the den and gave some cover to them. The moon was full and gave off nearly as much light as the Sun.
"We must stay low until we have the humans drawn in close enough to ambush them. If they see us first, their weapons could hurt enough of us to be costly.
There was a sound to the right of them. Behind them, there was another loud sound. Michael looked over at Leandra. His eyes said it all. Fur standing straight up, from head to tail told Michael that she understood.
"God Michael, they are all around us! What do we do!?!?"
"We stand and fight daughter!!!! You don't need a beast to tell us how to do that! Make a circle and do not let them penetrate the lines!!!
The others did as Deanna told them to do. Fifty She-cats stood in the circle, a site most men would run from if he had half a brain. These men did not care. They moved in slowly, deliberately, weapons readied. One of the humans spoke out loud.
"This is where it all ends for you freaks of nature! Tonight, under a moon-lit sky, we are sending you to where-ever it is that Cats go! The beasts are all dead! We took care of that earlier! One thought he was safe inside of a car with the doors locked! Funny thing is, humans don't need to get too close to the creatures. Just a little fire and well, fried beast-man is back on the menu!"
Leandra saw the look in Michael's eyes before she heard the words come from his mouth. He said his brother Jordan's name. The intensity of his words and the snarl that followed told Leandra that tonight, would not be a quiet night nor would it be a night void of blood. She reached out her paw to stop him but his strength was too much for her. He shoved her paw away and stepped forward.
"Tell me, before I kill all of you, I want to know what we did to you that has caused you to hate us so much that you are willing to die tonight!!!"
There was a silence in the air. Even the wind stopped blowing as if it wanted to hear every word spoken. "You are Freaks!!! You taint our blood and corrupt a good world! You take our men and women at will and make them your slaves! You are more disgusting than the witches of the East Coast! One of you killed my Grand-father long ago, just because he was human. No other reason!"
"We are not the ones that killed them! We stay to our own and bother none! You... you killed my brother and now I must avenge him! No more talk!"
"Wait! Who are you? I want to know who it is that I kill or kills me!"
"I would tell you to remember the name, Michael, but you will Not live long enough to care!"
The sound of high powered rifles resonated through out the forest. Screams of She-cats dieing could be heard all around the circle. Leandra jumped from the circle into the cover of the Forest. Michael turned to follow her. He felt claws dig deeply into his back, blood flowing freely from his gash. He turned to kill who-ever had attacked him but stopped as he looked into Deanna's eyes. She swayed from side to side as Michael reached out to catch her.
"Why? Why did you attack me???" Michael felt the warmth of blood on his arm. He lifted Deanna and knew. She was bleeding badly from two gunshot wounds. He could not save her.
"Michael, the man that seeks to kill you... I know him. He will not stop until you are dead."
"Why, Deanna? Why does he hate me so?!?!?!?"
"He was in love with your mother. She never told him what she was. He never told her. He was from a tribe of Beast-men that had found a cure to their beast side. He wanted a son that was pure blood. She gave him You! Kill him Michael. He will kill you if he can. Save my precious daughter."
Deanna paused and took in a deep breath. She had changed back to human form. Michael knew she was almost gone. He brushed the tears from her eyes. "Michael... love my daughter and take care of her. But first, kill... your... fath..."
Michael laid Deanna on the ground gently. Tears filled his beast-man eyes for the first time. And then, he heard Leandra scream out as another shot rang through the forest.
"No-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! God, no!!!!," Michael cried out.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Half-lings Pt.4

Leandra finished her work and as she left, closed the door tight to her store. She had owned the exotic shop for 5 years. Through the shop, she was able to stay in contact with people that searched, more likely hunted her kind. They were drawn in by the animals she had that were nearly un-acquirable any where else in the world. It also gave her the opportunity to save animals that were to be sold and killed for their precious furs or other parts. Lori had helped her off and on for the past 3 years.
"So where are you going now?"
"My mother phoned me and said there was a problem at home. I need to get there before dark so that no one has changed. Though we communicate well as She-cats, we must communicate through our minds with a lot of the pride. Many are young and have not mastered the use of the vocals as cats."
"Leandra, please be careful. You are the only real friend I have and I don't want to lose you."
"I'll be fine Lori. You take care tonight and I will see you tomorrow."
Leandra could feel the coming of night-fall. Though she was fairly certain she would not hurt Lori, she did not ever want to find out she was wrong. She drove as fast as she could and wished she could change as she could move faster as a She-cat. No roads to follow and no speed limit to obey. She would be to the den in half the time as a She-cat.
Michael stood his ground. Deanna seemed set in her decision. He knew he had to find some way to make her understand how much a threat the humans were. There wasn't much time left as he knew the humans would be back in full strength tonight.
"Deanna, please, hear me out. Some of my clan were killed last night, by humans. Those that survived were injured badly. They found us somehow and they know you exist too. I believe that the leak was through your pride."
Deanna snarled at Michael. She shook her head and clenched her fists.
"If I could turn right now, I would kill you for even saying that! My pride is loyal to me and I don't believe the words of a Beast-man, ever! Soon, my daughter will be here! When she comes, we will deal with you and then seek out the rest of your kind and kill them all!"
"Deanna, I don't understand. Leandra is from the same breeding as I am. You took a human to be your mate and the result was Leandra. Why do hate others like her?"
"You are Not like my daughter! She is a She-cat and you... you are nothing more than a dirty beast! Your kind would kill us or en-slave us if you could!"
"Deanna, the beast-men that wanted to take you as their personal slaves and breeders are gone. I am the one they follow now and they do Nothing unless I say to."
"Tell me why the humans want us all dead suddenly."
"They found out that we were living and working among them, with out them knowing. It scared them and angered them and now, they want us all dead. We were a fable, a wives tale before they found out. Now, we are real and they want us dead!"
"Their are millions of humans. We could not defeat them all even if we wanted to! They will just keep coming and..."
"No, you are wrong. The people that want to kill us are a private group. They do not talk to others and they cover our existence with lies. Killing us would never be spoken of outside their group."
"How is it you know so much about these people? Maybe you are the leak and you want us together so you can help the humans kill us."
"Deanna, if I was your problem, you would be dead right now." Michael's voice was soft but the tone was anything but gentle. Deanna knew he was probably right. Though she would give him a fight, Michael in his beast form was more than she and most of her pride could survive. She wished Leandra were here.
Darkness was going to come way to soon for her. Her mother rarely bothered her at work unless it was serious. She wondered what could have happened in the short time she was gone. She drove until she reached the forest. Parking the car, she quickly existed the car. The desire to change was strong and she could feel her senses strong. She stopped to smell the air.
"Damn!!!!!!" She smelled once more to be sure she wasn't just smelling something that lingered on her. "Michael! He is here! What the hell does he want? God, if he has harmed my mother in any way, he will hate the fact he was even born!" She raced through the forest at speeds only a She-cat could find. The branches cut at her face and she growled and snapped at them as she ran. Finally, she reached the opening to her den. The first face she saw was Michael's. Without stopping, Leandra lunged at Michael. Her claws instinctively ripped through her skin and her teeth grew. She hit Michael with the force of a large Mountain Lion. Taking him by surprise, he tumbled to the ground as Leandra clawed at his face. Gashes opened from his skin and blood spewed over both of them.
"Change, Damn you!!!! Fight me or I swear to God, I Will kill you!!!"
Flipping her over on her back, even in human form, Micheal's strength almost too much for Leandra, he held her to the ground.
"I won't fight you, Lea!" He had called her Lea since they were children. Just at hearing the name from his voice, Leandra felt herself soften. It angered her that his voice alone could do that to her. She resisted the want to change to human.
"I am Not here to fight you, Leandra! I am here to ask for your help! Please, stop this and listen to me!!!" Blood ran from Michael's face and he knew he would need to change soon to heal. He did Not want to do that yet.
"Leandra... we must listen to what he has to say. Charlene just told me that two of our pride were found dead, In their human form! Someone is already starting to eliminate us."
Leandra began to change again. Her features soon that of a beautiful young woman again, Michael stared into her eyes. Did he see something there? Could she have feelings for him? Michael wanted to kiss her but he knew this was not the time. He could feel himself getting weaker from the blood loss. He saw Leandra begin to cry as she cradled his head in her arms. Leaning forward, she whispered to him.
"Tell us, Michael. What do we need to do?? Don't you die on me. Change, Michael!! Damn you, Change and save your life!!!" Her tears flowed over his face. Michael could feel his body changing. He closed his eyes tightly. Leandra heard his words as he changed.
"Please, please God, don't let me hurt her. I love her..."

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Half-lings Pt. 3

The night would be upon him in a few hours. He needed to approach Leandra while she was still in human form. Even though he had the ability to change or not change when he wanted, Michael knew that the power of the man beast was strong. He would be busy battling the desire to change to be effective in his quest. The Forest suddenly engulfed him and he knew he was near the pride's home. He could sense their presence already and his instinct to change was strong. He breathed in deep and drove on.
"What are you going to do, Leandra? You are in love with this man and yet your pride, your own Mother insists that you kill him. How can you do that?"
"We are stronger as She-cats and the purpose, the call for us is sometimes stronger than our human side can over-come. When I see him, he is just another Man-beast. It is my human side that wants to love him... That does love him. I simply have to let that go and become all She-cat to defeat him."
"Leandra, I have to ask this. If you saw me and you were a "Cat", would you kill me? Would you know it was me?"
"Lori, we are not savages! We can think and recognize those we know in our human form. If not, Michael would just be a beast and I would kill him without question."
"Then you wouldn't kill me?"
"I don't know, Lori. I have never had that happen to me. We stay at our den when we are She-cats. I hope that our bond is strong enough to keep me from harming you."
"Me too. We have been friends since first grade. When you first told me what you were, I thought you were lieing to me. I followed you one day from school and saw you go into the forest. I waited until it was dark and then I saw it for myself. I was only Ten years old and so I was upset because I couldn't do that. You smelled the air and found me. You didn't kill me then."
"I remember, Lori. I changed back and told you about my family. You are the only human that knows what I am. You have never betrayed my trust and I love you dearly for that."
"I will never betray you, Leandra. You are my very best friend."
Michael saw the opening to where Leandra's pride lived. He growled low as he sniffed the air. He looked like a Coon Hound, on the trail of a fugitive. The smell of the She-cats was strong and he fought the urge to change. Jordan stirred in the back seat. His wounds nearly healed, he felt re-energized. He too could smell the cats. He knew he would not, could not change until dark. Then smell still made his mind whirl and left him dizzy for a moment.
Michael sensed his brothers urge to change. He too knew that Only himself could change at will.
"Jordan, you need to stay in the car. I want you to lock the doors when I get out. You are Not to get out no matter what you hear! Should Leandra change, she Will smell you and come to kill you. You do Not possess the strength to kill her nor fight her off! Stay where you are!"
"I have no desire to die today, Michael. I'll be here when you come back."
"One more thing, brother. If it turns dark and I have not returned, drive. Drive as fast and as far as you can and do Not come back. If I survive, I will find You!"
Michael left the car and heard the doors lock. He prayed that the car would be enough to keep Jordan safe. He walked deeper in to the woods, following the scent of the She-cats. He shook his head often, trying to fight off the want to change. He knew that to walk into their pride as a beast would bring on an instant battle. That was the last thing that he wanted. He was almost sure that Leandra was the only one with the ability to change at will like he could. He hoped that he was right. If not, this would be his last trip to their den.
The forest suddenly opened up in front of him. He was instantly surrounded by the human form of the She-cats. Hissing and growling was all Michael could hear. Several of the women lunged at him and took his arms in their hands. Michael could have tossed them all to the ground. Hos strength was still that of the Man-beast, even in human form. Michael resisted the want to change and went with them quietly. He was taken to the front of their den where he was greeted with a slap across his face. The slap stung his cheek and he felt his talons grow from his fingers tips. He retracted them and stared at the woman in front of him. He recognized her at once.
"Deanna, I come to you in peace. I do not want to fight you."
Deanna stepped forward. She took Michael's face in her hands. Her strength was extremely evident to Michael. As a human, facing her as a She-cat would be a fair fight. He stood still and looked directly in her eyes.
"Peace, Michael? Do you beasts even know what that word means? I should kill you right where you stand. It would save my daughter, who somehow has fallen in love with you, the trouble of killing you herself!" She released her grip on Michael's face.
"The battle would be violent and the end results may not be what you had anticipated. I spared your daughters life the last time we battled."
"Why did you do that, Michael? We are enemies. Your purpose is to kill us. Why would you not follow through?"
Michael looked at Deanna, His features softening. He looked at the other women with caution. His voice was soft calm when he spoke. "I spared Leandra because... because I am in love with her. I do not wish to kill her but rather to be her mate."
Deanna stepped back and her teeth grew. She snarled at Michael and her teeth showed. Michael took a step backwards and spoke again. "Be angry with me if you will, Deanna, but it will change nothing. We need to talk of other things. Things that could destroy both your people and mine as well. The humans are coming to kill us all. We must stand together as one pride if we are to defeat them."
"Never" was the answer given by Deanna. "I will not ever stand beside a man to fight! I don't care if he is human or a disgusting Man-beast."
"Then Deanna, you And your pride will all die at the hands of the humans. Think about it Deanna. Do you want to watch your daughter die!?!?"

Sunday, February 7, 2010

The Half-lings Pt.2

She knew she had to return to her pride. It was nearing dawn and her life would totally change during the hours of light. Leandra had long ago learned how to change no matter what the time of day or night it was. She was the first of her generation to have the ability to do so. Her mother told her it was because she been with a human before Leandra was born. The mixed blood had given Leandra a special gift. She knew that Michael's mother must have done the same for he too could change at will, though not nearly as fast as she could. As she began the change, she wondered how many of the wounds would show today. Hearing her mother call out to her, she finished the change and went to her.
"Are you hanging your head, Daughter!?!?"
"Mother, I.."
"Stop, Leandra! I do not wish to hear any more of your reasons! This time, you nearly cost the life of one of your own, not forgetting that you were almost killed yourself!" Her mothers voice softened now. "Leandra, I know what is happening. I have been there myself. You must fight the desire and destroy him... before he destroys you. I love you daughter but the pride is becoming weary of your antics. You are an adult now and the strongest of all, save myself. If you were not, the pride would have run you away or worse."
"Mother, you are wrong! You Think you know my heart but you do Not!!"
Seeing her mother move at such speed took Leandra by surprise. In a single breath her mother was in front of her. Leandra watched in fear as her mothers featured went from a beautiful queen, to a Leopard with strength beyond mans imagination. Her claws extended she gently took Leandra's face between her paws and pulled her to her own face. The scent of a fresh kill was still on her mothers breath and Leandra licked her lips and fought Not to change again. Her mothers low growl was telling Leandra everything she needed to know. Deanna loved her daughter more than life itself but she knew she needed to bring reality to her daughters mind. Squeezing Leandra's head between her paws, her heart ripped in two as she listened to her daughter cry out.
"Mother please, it hurts me when you do that! Please stop!!" Leandra knew not to pull away. Her mother's claws would tear her human form to tiny shreds.
"This is Nothing, Daughter." Deanna's growl made Leandra try to turn her head away. "Stop moving Cub! You do Not need more wounds than what that Man-Beast has already given you! Do not chance to talk aggressive to me and do Not tell me what I know to be true is wrong! You have loved the man Michael since you were a child. HE does Not love you! He wants only to see you dead! You, and all of your pride. Hell daughter, he waits to see the end of your entire people! When next you see him, you must kill him before he kills you. I am powerless against him because he has both bloods in him. He has the old dominate male blood and in that, he has the strength to kill us all. All except you.
Michael drove through the pouring rain. His site was not like a common mans. He saw through the rain as if it were a perfectly clear day. Jordan would sleep most of the drive. His wounds would only heal while he rested. By evening he would have 75% of his strength back. It would be enough to do some battle but never enough to win against a strong adversary. Michael would have to watch over Jordan until all of his strength had returned. Jordan was only part of the things going on for Michael. He knew that the humans would return to finish what they had started. He could not allow them to kill Leandra. His heart knew that as well as his mind did. He heard Jordan stirring in the back seat.
"Why are we going back to the very place that you and were nearly killed? It makes no sense to me at all. Tell me there is not something going on between you and the girl."
Michael stared at the road in front of him. He offered no answer and Jordan knew not to push the issue.
"If we do not find a way to come to terms with the Pride, the humans will hunt us down and destroy all of us. It is the Only way, Jordan. We can not run our entire life. If we can find a way to convince the humans we can co-exist, we can then be free to live our lives as we have for centuries."
"How might we do that Michael? We are beasts, remember?"
"Not always, Jordan. We do exist as humans also."
"Half-lings, Michael. We are called Half-lings, remember?" Michael growled low. He hated that word. "not all of us can change at will like you and the she-cat can. You are the only ones that have that power. My father was Not your father. I am like the others. The dark and night still rule my world."
"Yes, and it is for Your world that I go to the cats and seek their help. We must either change the minds of those that want to kill us or destroy them."
The sun would not be gone for many hours. Michael knew that there was no way to negotiate with the cats unless they were in their human forms. He needed to make it to their forest before the sun set.He pushed down on the gas pedal and wondered if what he was trying to do were even possible. He would not know the answer unless he asked.
Leandra sat alone, looking at the scars on her arms and legs. She was grateful that the worst of them were covered by clothing. She would only have to answer for the purple around her left eye. Her human friends would no doubt think she had been abused by some man. She snickered to herself. She knew that in the strangest way, they would not be far from right. She needed the human contact and cursed herself for that. They were an enemy to be reckoned with. They had seen that before. She still had to figure out what she was to do about Michael. Her mother was of course correct. She had been in love with him for longer than she could recall. To kill him was something she knew in human form she could never do. And yet, she had a better chance to kill him that way than when she changed again. His strength had scared her earlier. Never had she known such power. Why had he not killed her? HE could have finished her and yet he stopped and allowed her to claw him so badly. Maybe, she thought, maybe he loved her too...
Leandra heard the sounds of her friends voices. They were screaming and yelling to her. "What happened to You!?!? Damn it, girl, don't you know how to just say No and get away from the creep that did this?"
Leandra smiled at Lori. She had been her best friend for most of her life. She was also the Only human that knew what Leandra really was. It was their secret and Lori had never betrayed her.
"It was a rough night, Lori. Don't even ask."
"Was it Michael?"
"No, Michael could have but he didn't. I am still wondering why he didn't."

Friday, February 5, 2010

The Half-lings...

He drove for what seemed liked hours. The rain was relentless and his eyes grew weary. The constant slapping sound of the windshield wipers echoed in his head and tried to lure him to sleep. The trees sagged from the weight of the soaking rain fall. They looked like old men, backs bent and touching the ground at times. He drove past a golf course, that's only occupants were four deer, standing drenched in the cold. Steam rose from their backs as the rain covered them, though it seemed to go un-noticed by the deer herd. Michael rubbed his eyes and rolled his window down. The rain and cold felt good on his face and arm and did what he wanted it to do. The rain woke him and he sat straight in the seat and tried to focus on the road. What was behind him needed to stay there. If it caught up with him again, Michael was sure it would kill him. It's very presence was enough to do that. Michael needed to re-gain his strength before he had to do battle again. The wounds would heal themselves, sure enough. It wasn't those injuries that bothered him. It was the wounds that had sliced into his soul and stripped him of part of his powers. Which powers he had lost, he wasn't yet certain of. How long they were gone for was any ones guess. Michael did not have the grace to second guess anything right now.
She sat near the entrance to the valley. Tree covered, the way in was nearly impossible to see unless you knew what you were looking for. She licked at her cuts and watched them close with each touch of her tongue. She winced in pain at the deeper cuts. Her fur was a tangled mess and she hoped to have it all in place when the change came. When had he gained so much strength? The man Michael could never have come so close to defeating her in the past. She hated him for reasons she was no longer sure of. Leandra had come from a long line of She-cats. Her mother and the others had slowly but surely gained dominance over the males in the pride. Rearing their daughters to be killers was only one part of their training. Hating the males and slowly killing the strong ones was a bigger challenge. A challenge they had finally won. Now the males hunted and watched over the young as her mother and aunts had once done.
Michael pulled into a rest area that had a shower. He washed the mud from his body and thought about the man that had once owned the vehicle he was driving. He had not meant to hurt him. He merely needed the vehicle to get away from Leandra and her pride. If he had waited until he had fully turned, perhaps he would not have been so vicious with the man. He may have felt some human compassion and allowed him to live. None of that really mattered now. What was done, was done. he had to survive and to have waited longer would have left him vulnerable and probably dead now. Alone, he would have killed Leandra. The strength of her whole pride had been too much for him. Michael knew inside that it was not the pride that had caused him to nearly die. He knew that he had held back from releasing his full power on Leandra. He was completely aware of Why he had done so. That knowledge angered him. He lashed out at the shower stall with his hands. As the shower stall wall shredded into slivers and fell to the floor, Michael cursed under his breath. Hearing a voice behind him, Michael felt his body responding to what could be an enemy. Teeth sharpened and lengthened. His hands stretched and his nails became like steel.
"Put them away, Michael. I do not wish to be the recipient of the talons."
Michael turned and looked into the face of his brother, Jordan. He wasn't sure how he felt about seeing him here.
"How did you find me, brother? I left you many miles away!"
Jordan could feel the anger in Michael. He stepped back and a shudder went up and down his spine. He knew that Michael could kill him with just a single lashing out of his hand. Jordan wondered if it had been a mistake following his older brother here.
"Please Michael, I do not want to fight and I want to die even less."
"Why did you come here, Jordan? I should kill you just because you left the caves. You took a huge chance that you could have been followed."
"I wasn't, Brother. I swear."
"And if you had been, we would both be dead right now. I do not have the strength for another battle at this time. Tell me now why you are here?!?!"
"We were attacked in the night, while you were away."
"Attacked??? Attacked by what?!?!?!?"
"Humans , Michael. They found us and came at us with every weapon they could find. We lost five of our pride. I used what powers I had to keep those that died from changing. The humans did Not get the proof they sought to prove we were half man."
"Did they say anything during the attack?"
"The last we killed said there would be more. He said the cats would be the next to die."
Michael looked at Jordan, his eyes softening a bit and his teeth receding. His thoughts raced to Leandra and he felt his heart race. He could not let his brother see his reaction.
"Then this is a battle for all halflings. We will find a way to defeat the weaklings together!"
"She-cats and Man-Beasts fighting side by side, Brother!? You must have been injured far worse than it appears."
Michael's growl and the quickness of his bite told Jordan he had stepped where he was not allowed. One bite from Michael's powerful jaws was enough to tell Jordan to say no more. He would be healing from this bite for a long time.
"Get in the car, Jordan! We have far to drive..."

Just my thoughts

Sitting here today, listening to music, knowing my low is settling on for the long haul. My mind travels in all directions as Elvis sings to me "And I Love you So." The words take me to a million years ago, it seems. To my first love and through out life, all the places I have been, the things I have done. Sometimes, when a person is down inside, they seek out those things that have brought joy and contentment to their lives. The past and present and sometimes if one dares to dream, the future. Remembering a time before the Bipolar and tourettes shoved the simple life aside and changed my world. Things that seemed so easy became nearly impossible to grasp. Anyone that is bipolar, depressed or simply feeling as if they are not connected to the world or anyone around them knows the feelings I write about here.
A heart that seeks so many things. To find acceptance for who he is. To find where it is he belongs in this crazy world. A place that everyone feels the same and so there is no need to say "Please don't judge me or tell me to "fix it." Seeking a chance to go back and do things right but knowing nothing done can be undone once time has gone by. To walk with out wondering how many eyes are watching you or if you have made some movement or twitched without realizing you did and someone saw it. Not wanting to have to explain it all. The need and desire to find a place that is hidden to slip into when I need too. Wanting to back time up a bit and reach out for something beautiful and hold on to it tightly. So tight that it is still with you when you reach the place you had just been.
I look around me and I see a "support team" that is so good and so understanding. I click or twitch and they simply go on about their business. I really should be quite content but my mind wont allow that. I have never forgotten one single incident in my life. The good and the bad.The thoughts have inter-acted with one another and gives to me a vast imagination to write. This once again is the world of a bipolar person. Abstract, confusion and fear that I have or will hurt someone and that tears me apart because it is NEVER EVER meant. I think there are many that know exactly where it is that I am right now. ..................

Thursday, February 4, 2010

What is success and how do you know you found it????

How do you measure success? The definitions all point towards the achievement of a goal that one has set for themselves. They also mention becoming famous and/or rich, though I think that one may indeed go hand in hand today. I read and then re-read the definitions and try to find myself inside of it. The truth is... I am not sure that becoming rich nor famous is the ultimate height of being successful. I sometimes believe that success is being where you wanted to be right when you were there.
I have been called a success by some and yet I still fail to see that in myself. Having published novels and a CD produced with my own songs on it Should really spell out success. I am sure that it would and does for some people. For me, if it does not come with your name being in homes at the dinner table or recognized for your Achievements, then is it really success? Doesn't the word scream out for more than "accomplishments?"
I look at my life and think about all the places I have been and all that I have done. I managed to grow up without harming anyone physically. I made a lot of friends along the way and am remembered by many of them, some years after I myself had forgotten their names. I served my country in the Air force and married a beautiful woman. We waltzed through this world, adversaries and all, hand in hand and raised two beautiful daughters. We battled a disease that tried hard to take our freedom and our happiness away, but we won that battle. I served the Lord faithfully for many years and hopefully planted seeds in the hearts of some young people.
Sometimes, to see success, I look towards my father. I see all his children rally around him and seek his advice when life slaps them in the face. I watch his grand children look up at him with love and respect and think to myself... this is a measure of success. Though wealth was never his or my mothers, they have waltzed through this world together for almost 60 years. They still hold each others hand and their love for one another is without question. I wonder if perhaps success is something other than fame and money. It may be that the word truly means being remembered only because you are you.
If I sit and think about myself, perhaps I have seen success at times in my life and was so busy looking for the pay check that I missed it. It is said that history is destined to repeat itself and I wonder in my mind if I might be doing that. Am I so busy reaching for the fame and money side that I am missing the success that lies in front of me. I Have published novels and I Have produced a CD that will live on forever. I do have beautiful people in my life and have been blessed more than any man deserved to be. If all of this is true, then why do I still seek what I already have? What event or happening will it take before I am content to simply live my life out?
Abstract thoughts perhaps, but thoughts that bring out the question.. What is the true meaning of success? What personifies the word and how do we know that we have achieved it? Just rambling thoughts of a man that is caught in a world that is often to fast and too harsh for me to settle in my heart. "Being where I want to be when I am there." Hmmmmmm????

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