Sunday, September 28, 2008

Things I know about Open Honesty...

As I sat here this morning, pulling the blanket over my legs to sheild me from the cold, cold, cold that is sneaking through my window, I thought about all the blogs I have written here. I re-read some and skimmed a few others. I imagined for a minute that it was not myself that had written them, but another person. I was the one looking in from the outside. I read with almost awe at the sheer Honesty that has been written into these blogs. Not at the skill or in a puffed out way but awe that the words flow from the pages in a way that leaves no doubt that the writer has lived each moment he has written down.
I read about my wife and the life we lived together. I cried silently as I remembered many of the things I had written down. I read about the Bipolar and the many ways it has effected my lifes desicions. I saw the words telling of things I had done and places I have been. Some of the writes simple and some at a depth that I wondered how I had written them. And again, as I read it all, well a lot of it, the word Honesty came back to me again. {Honor; honorableness; dignity; propriety; suitableness;decency}I looked at the definition several times. A thought crossed my mind. Was being so open, so honest, so open always the right place to be? Can a person be too open and honest? And if I didn't always finish a story,did that qualify as being "dishonest?" Was there truly such a thing as dishonesty by ommition? I thought about it and went back to see some of my blogs. Did I always tell the entire story?
I thought then of the many people I have the honor and yes, sometimes the Dishonor of meeting on-line. I remember so many that were not who they portrayed themselves to be. Sometimes a terrible disappointment when I would discover who or what they really were. I remember being proud in knowing that should you have chosen to meet me face to face, I would be exactly the person you knew on-line. But perhaps even there, the omission of some faults, a few quirps would come through when you were with me for a day or two. Did I lie? Did I falsify myself by not telling you that sometimes I twitch when feeling nervous or cornered? Was I dishonest when I "forgot" to mention that we would not probably go to a department store because i might freak and I didn't want you to see that part of me? So very honest in every way and yet...
So as I re-read some of the blogs, I wondered if I had told you that though Sheila and I had the most beautiful life, inspite of her illness, did i tell you I had cheated on her. Cheated on a woman that gave me nothing but pure love. Did I mention that we stayed together even after my infidelities and that I loved her with all of my heart, through out it all? Had I told you that the Bipolar often rendered me unable to move from the place i stood in the middle of the grocery aisle? That I cry nearly every night in my sleep?
Honesty I think something you can be without telling the whole story. There are things within each of us that are ours unless or until our hearts are ready to tell them. I search the blogs for stories of my yester-years. Ilook for tales of who i am today and things I do. And I realize that there are things you don't know about me. Things that my heart isn't ready to lay open for you. NOT bad things... I promise I never buried a body, I never robbed a bank nor have I caused physical harm to any others. I don't know if I qualify for the integrity part of honesty. The faithfulness went out when I told you I had cheated.
But... I do hold true to my sincerity in everything I write. I am fair and Lord knows I am straightforward to the point of perhaps a bit too much. Which I think brings me to the place that I originally started looking at my blogs for. A question in my mind. Can you be too open? Is it possible to be so honest it causes people to shy away from you? I have been more open in some sites. Open to the point of where some decided my issues with remembering or my openess concerning where the bipolar takes me at times, were more than they care to know. And they left. So now, with this written and my thoughts open as much as they can be, the question remains unanswered for me.
Honesty...a word to often easily tossed to the side and a word sometimes I fear taken to extremes... Darrel

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