Monday, October 12, 2009

Lost... another place to be in a Bipolar World.

Lost. The definition of this word is vast. It can mean anything from losing your wages at a poker game to not having a single clue as to where you are. The one I want to focus on is this one. { : unable to find the way b : no longer visible c : lacking assurance or self-confidence : helpless} This definition personifies the very being of a bipolar person. Some people have commented to me, saying "How can you speak so freely of All bipolar? Not everyone is You." They are very right and not every bipolar person has the same actions or reactions. But when you Generalize the disorder, similarities are found and most share the same issues and fears. Having said that, I am going to return to the thoughts of being Lost.
"Unable to find your way." That is one that dances through my brain so much these days. "No longer visible." That one I sometimes dream of. To be invisible would be to not have to hide or be embarrassed about the actions that come with being Bipolar. It would mean not having to explain my ways or to know in my heart that there are people I love dearly that simply choose to ignore this disorder or imagine that I can just "let it go." I don't think that these people can truly understand the depth of what being "lost" inside your mind truly means. To walk around, knowing you Want to do something, knowing there are things you Should be doing and yet not having the ability to find a way to do them. Physically, Yes... mentally, no. To feel as if you didn't belong in this time or in the place you are is a frightening feeling.
The "alone in a crowd" feeling comes in to play all too often in those scenarios.
Today, I am lost. I talk about this because sometimes there are still those that feel "alone" and think that their actions, their fears and movements are strange and that no one else in the world does them. I write because I want people to know that they are NOT alone and that the feelings they have inside are not crosses they have to bear alone. Lost has so many meanings but for me, someone that Bipolar is a part of my Everyday life, sometimes every single minute. It means waking up and it being a huge issue whether to sit or stand. Standing in the middle of the kitchen, staring out the window and thinking about all I could do and wondering what I WILL do.
LOST... standing in my own living room, wondering sometimes what keeps me inside so much. I Love the outdoors and yet... there is safety indoors. Not safety from "danger." I live in a tiny town that shoplifting is a "get in the paper" thing. lol. Safety from confrontations. A safe place, where I do not have to explain anything about me. No one to tell me I can fix this. No one to shake their head or whisper when they Think I am out of ear-shot. No body to feel as if I need to say "I am sorry" to because I twitch or shake. The only place I don't feel lost is right here. Writing is a place I can go and just Be. And I am thankful for that feeling.
If you feel "Lost" please, don't feel alone along with it. You are Not Ever truly Alone. There is a whole world of people that feel exactly like you do. I write this so that you know... Today, I am lost. Tomorrow, maybe it will be better. Always, Darrel

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