Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Low's and a Freight Train...

I once believed that you could NOT stop a freight train that was in motion. I learned very recently... that simply is not true. Today, I sit and think of the New Year coming. I know that with the changing of the calender, so many new things will appear. Doors that have been open forever may close, making way for new ones to be opened. New roads to walk on and new hands to hold as you journey into things and places Unknown. Not All will be new. Some of the places we have been and people we have known for a lifetime will be refreshed and begin anew. AND some things... will remain exactly as they have been for a very long time.
This morning I was asked about the Bipolar Disorder. When asked, I always feel compelled to answer the question of "what is it" and "how do I know if I have it?" The link of have placed here gives a very good "Medical" description, which of course is where one should look first. It is very important that if you do think you may suffer from this affliction that you contact your Doctor and discuss it with her/him. They will know the proper channels to take in order to determine what it is you feel you may have.
But truly, a doctor is only going to be able to take you so far and then the individual personality traits step in. Though most Bipolar people have the same initial signs and actions that come with being Bipolar, each and every person is different in some ways. Some may suffer deeper Lows and deal with their issues unlike another Bipolar person. Depression is Always factored in as part of being Bipolar. Though one can be depressed and Not be Bipolar, no one that suffers from Bipolar disorder is with out Depression. How life's obstacles and sadness is faced and dealt with also have a great deal to do with how deeply effected you are by the disorder. What triggers a Low often evades the patient and there may be times that No reason s found. It simply comes on and effects your daily routine, your love life, your thoughts and decisions and it effects your ability to function in the "outside" world. Small things that never effected you or that do Not effect most people may set your emotions on a downward spin. Tears that may go on for hours or even days. The feeling of being worth nothing to anyone or that everything or everyone you touch will turn into a disaster. A desire to be alone a great deal of your time and the fears of what may happen if you stay in the Low too long are always thoughts inside the head of a bipolar person. Highs that cause you to believe that there is not a single task nor a single person that you can not fixed or finish. But in the end, the Low slips in and the realization that you are NOT a Super human sets in.
Today... actually last night, I had a life altering situation come to me. And in that situation, the very question that was asked of me, was answered. The Low that has set it's Talons into my mind is as strong as they get for me. As I describe it to you, you will have a first hand experience with a bipolar person in a low. Confusion and a feeling of dis-connection from the rest of the world settle inside my mind. Uncertainties and the barrage of guilt and anger and sadness and fear all coupled together by a string in my mind layed the foundation for a Low that will take me from one end of being lost to the other side of feeling empty and alone. I will process and assess and I will take blame and atone. I will feel as if I don't deserve to know happiness or love because I have hurt someone, in some way... whether or not that actual hurt even occurred.
Is it cold in the house today or is it simply my sadness that has left me wrapped in a blanket, feeling as if it were 20 below zero in the house. Turning the heat up in the house only to find oneself roasting and turning the heat back down again. The world, for now, suddenly seeming less safe and less inhabitable by one such as myself. Smoking far more than normal and searching the empty space around me for some type of security, anything that I can take hold of and hold close to me as if it were a life line to reality. A door, once open with a "welcome" mat in front of it, now closing, though I struggle with whether or not that can even happen. The door closing from the inside and myself standing somewhere outside. Afraid and writing with all that I am because it is a "safe place" for me. Scared of where this Low may take me and so I fight with all that I have inside of me to stay afloat in a sea of sadness and silence and fear.
THIS... this is My world. This is what being Bipolar is to me. The emotions tearing at me and the knowing that I will have to face this up close and personal and that it will take all that those that love me unconditionally have inside of them to pull me out of this train wreck. "You can't stop a freight train in motion"... Unless you take the tracks away it rides on. Always, Simply Me.

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