Thursday, May 27, 2010

And "This too, shall pass.... 'gimel, zayin, yud'

'gimel, zayin, yud'... {translation>> This too shall pass}. Words written on a ring given to King Solomon. Powerful words that caused this great King to replace his smile with a frown. He realized in reading those words that everything he had, all that he possessed from his riches to his wisdom would one day be gone, just as everything on Earth was destined to be in time. Simple words written that have flowed down through the Centuries and been re-told and re-quoted and even claimed by people that had no right to claim them as their own.
 So what has this to do with anything I am writing about today, you may wonder. The answer is, Everything. The words crept into my head today, completely out of no-where, I might add. Nothing really new for me. Sadly, they did to me exactly what they had done to a King, thousands of years before I was even thought of. Centuries have passed and yet those words took me from that smile to a state of depression in less than an instant. A place that has left me today, evaluating, analyzing my life and what I have or have not accomplished. The feelings that whatever I Have done in this life, it is destined to pass away one day.
 The only real chance one has of leaving their mark on the world is to do something great! Something bigger than life. The fact that it is "bigger than life" allowing for that person to live on, long after they have left this world. Elvis did that. Hemingway did that. Even Wyatt Earp did exactly that. Singers, writers, cowboys... common people that became Uncommon by their works. They did not hide away in some room, working every day to try and find that song or novel that would make them a household name. Perhaps not the dream or desire of every person, but certainly the dream of THIS man. But... I think of the people that stand on corners and sing their hearts out, hoping for that one break, one song, that will take them from the corner of "15th avenue and no-where's land" to the memories of people they have never met.
  What is this really all about today? The face of depression. A look inside, up close and very personal, at what depression looks and feels like. Playing and replaying a song. Crying inside for reasons you don't even know. looking back on where you have been and what you have accomplished and feeling a bit lost and empty. A void that one tries daily to fill but can not. Sadness that makes you want to avoid contact with anyone for fear you will suddenly be over-whelmed with sorrow. Fear that you will never reach the top of the Mountain you have climbed and feel from and climbed again. Sorry that you can not talk to anyone because you simply can't find it in yourself to strike up a conversation.
  " 'gimel, zayin, yud'... This too shall pass."  I wonder sometimes. Will it pass or simply find a place to hide until a time when it suddenly surfaces again, the reason again not really known. Surely, time will pass and perhaps I Will find that special word, that chapter or 10 that grabs the attention of someone that says "Wow, let's make this available to everyone." And If I do find it, will it too then "pass"? I wonder if the world really understands the words I write here today? Words written between lines that will go unseen. Songs playing over and over in my mind. In time, will any of it really matter?

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Silence can be so Loud... Final Chapter

As the knife neared his heart, Kindred thought about the woman he loved. He thought about the monster that was going to take his life. And he thought about the souls that had plagued him all of his life and had suddenly ceased their desires to see him dead. In an instant, it all came back to him. The abuse as a child that had created the man that he was today. The hatred and the love he had received, a mixture of good and evil that caused the very way he thought. His daily actions as well as the way he loved and left were a direct result of the abuses he endured through out his entire life. He realized that the fear of loving forever was given to him by this woman that sought to kill him. He thrusted his hands out in front of him, stopping the knife less than an inch from his heart.
 "N0, Mother! I will not let you take from me another moment of my life!" Kindred pushed his mothers arms away from him. He leaped to his feet and faced her. "I should thank you for trying one last time to kill me."
 "The pleasure will be all mine, little boy," she hissed at him. "I will love watching you die. But mostly, I want for your girlfriend to see it all! I want her to see what I saw that day! You, her love, dieing right in front of her!"
 She lashed out with her knife, cutting Kindred across his arm. The cut went deep and Kindred stepped back away from her. Blood ran down his arm and the pain was excruciating. His mother through the knife at him, striking his side. Kindred pulled the knife free and tossed it into the trees. From the side, he saw Clarise stand slowly. She walked to Kindred and placed her hand over his wound. He touched her hand and smiled soft.
 "It is ok, sweetheart... it doesn't hurt anymore. She can't hurt me anymore. I know now that the pain of her slapping me when I tried to love her no longer matters. It was long ago and i have found love with you. Nothing else matters now."
 "I am not finished with you, Kindred!" A gun appeared in her hand. As she took aim, a familiar voice rang out behind her.
 "You are finished with him, sister." They all turned and looked into the face of Kindred's Uncle and Aunt. "You promised if we disappeared long ago, you would not try to hurt him. You broke your promise and so we are here to protect him again."
 "Then I will just kill you first, like I should have done long ago!"As she turned to fire the gun at Kindred's uncle and hard breeze blew through the trees. Kindred watched as the ladies he had loved once all rushed at his mother. She fired the gun but the bullets went directly through their forms. They pushed into her and the gun turned in her hand. A second shot rang out and Kindred watched his mother fall to the ground. Blood ran from under her body and her lifeless eyes stared out at nothing. No longer did they possess the look of anger or hatred. They simply stared.
 "From us to you, Kindred..." was the last thing he heard from them before they faded completely from sight. As quickly as they left, so did the wounds from them disappear from Kindred and Clarise. Only the cuts inflicted by his mother remained. His Uncle and Aunt embraced him as Clarise tended to his cuts.
 "I am free, Clarise. Free to love you and stay at your side forever. She can not hurt me ever again. I simply had to stop allowing her to do so."
 "It appears, my darling Kindred, that the souls have forgiven you also. Now, with your Aunt and Uncle here to help, we can get on with our lives."
 "Stay with us for as long as you like, Kindred. We are not going anywhere."
 That evening, Kindred and Clarise walked hand in hand through the forest.  Kindred stopped and looked up as if he were listening to something.
 "What is it, love? What do you hear?" Her heart was racing with fear.
He smiled at her and kissed her. "Nothing, sweet lady. Do you hear that? I hear the sound of silence for the first time in forever. Silence, used to be so very loud...

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Silence can be so loud... Pt 7

Kindred searched his mind for a way to stop the souls from attacking Clarise. He knew that when they were finished with her, he would be next. His mother stood near the cabin, watching with eyes that held pure hatred. Hatred that he knew was for him alone. Her voice was no longer soothing nor comforting. He listened as she chanted to the souls to kill him.
 "Make him hurt as badly as he hurt me! I want to see him suffer a horrible death!"
 Kindred turned to face his mother. He had killed once for her to save her life. Now, she wanted him to die. He thought about the souls and how they to wanted him to die. "Why", he wondered. "Why would they want me dead if they said they loved me so? It doesn't make sense."
 A voice whispered in his ear. The sweetness of his Clarise enveloped his entire being. He put his ear closer to her lips and listened.
  "You have found your answer in your very own words. Search your soul and you will be free."
 Kindred thought about what he had said. He realized that the answer had always been there. He simply needed to understand the "souls." He turned and faced the trees. He could see movement and knew the dark people were watching. As he stood, the "dark people" came out of the trees. He could see their forms, their bodies, For the first time. Suddenly, the souls stopped ripping at Clarise's body. Kindred walked towards the "dark people." He watched closely as the souls began to meld with the dark people. The faces were all familiar. The faces of every lady he had ever loved and hurt. He struggled to understand what was happening, his mind going 1000 miles a minute. As he stood in front of them, one reached out and brushed his face with her palm. The feelings was calming and soothing. He could see sadness in her eyes.
 "Katie, why are you sad? What does all of this mean?"
 "Oh Kindred". Her voice was soft. "You have suffered so terribly because of us."
 "No, not you. You, the people that came to me in the dark were good to me. It was the souls..."
 "Our souls, sweet man. We were split in two when you left us. The side that loved you, will always love you, became your protectors. The side that hated you and wanted you to hurt as much as we did when you left, became the souls that wanted you to hurt."
 "Why now? Why did you rejoin your souls now?What made it all change?"
 "You did, Kindred. You saw your mother for who she was and is. You see her hatred and still, you love her. The lady that has your heart lies dying here. We are sorry for that. Your pain, the selfless giving to protect her and her willingness to die for you made it all happen."
Another of Kindred's past loves stepped forward. She too touched his face. She sighed at the feelings she had while touching his skin.
 "Kendra... I am so sorry for the way I..."
 Kendra kissed his lips to silence him. "Sorry isn't needed. You suffer every day with the pain you put us through. Your own soul has been forever tormented. We are the ones that say sorry, not you. The wounds will heal in time, but the scars, they will be with you a very long time. But no more will you hurt because of us. Go and save that one that loves you most. You no longer need to bleed for us?"
 "I still don't understand! Please, I need to know how this happened."
 "When we took from you, your heart and your passions, we tried to make you give to us what We wanted, needed... Craved. You gave without getting back. We wanted only to be loved by you. When you asked how we could love you and yet hurt you so, we knew that our love had taken from you your freedom to move on. Your allowance of our wounds gave to us all of you. Now, we wish you no more harm. We also simply want to live and love again."
 "Then I need only to let you go for me to no longer bleed for you?"
 "Yes, Kindred, Yes!"
 "But I do not know how." His tears flowed like a waterfall as he spoke. "I don't know how to let go."
 He feel to the ground and cried out as he held Clarise in his arms. Suddenly, he felt the sting and then piercing pain in his shoulder. He turned and looked into the face of his Mother, her eyes dark with horrid anger.
"I can help you "let go", little boy! I will send you to the place you sent the man I loved. This is where I give it all to You!!!"
 The knife was lifted high into the air. Kindred watched as his mothers arm fell, the knife quickly closing in on his heart.

Monday, May 24, 2010

Silence can be so Loud... Pt 6

Clarise held on to Kindred as tight as she could. He walked to the door as if he were in some sort of trance. "Kindred, please listen to me. She is not going to help you! She will hurt you like she always has. She wants you to suffer like she thinks you made her suffer! If you go outside, the souls will be waiting for you too!"
 As if Clarise had pushed the right button, Kindred stopped. He looked at Clarise as if he had no idea where he was or why they were here.
 "The cabin, Kindred. We are at the cabin to stay safe. Your mother wants you to go outside so she can destroy you. She doesn't love you. She never loved you. But I do, Kindred... I love you exactly the way you are. Stay with me Please?"
 "I love you too, Clarise. We have to end this. You know that we can not go anywhere until this is finished. Now I see it all so clearly. Mother never did love me. She only needed me because when Father was hurting me, he wasn't hurting her. I was the buffer that allowed her a time to recoup from his cruelness."
 "Yes, yes, Kindred." Tears flowed from her eyes as she touched his face. "But he is gone now. You no longer need to protect her from him."
 "And the souls, Clarise? How do I defeat the souls? They are still out there, waiting."
 "You must find a peace with them also. Understand that you were not responsible for their happiness nor their sorrow. They chose to be with you and took the same chance that everyone who falls in love takes. Your heart simply wasn't ready nor able to give itself to anyone."
 "They don't care, Clarise. They still want their souls reunited with their hearts. How do I do that? It was so many years ago."
 "We have to face them to find a way. Pray that the "dark people" are near by. One by one, we will defeat them. We have to leave the cabin to do that."
 Kindred took Clarise' hand and touch her in his arms. He kissed her deeply and held her close to his body. "I love you, Clarise. No matter what happens, remember I truly have loved you."
 Kindred opened the door of the cabin. He stared into the face of his mother. She looked to be 100 years old. The anger and hatred had taken away her beauty and left only a shell of the woman he once killed for.
 "Kindred, my baby boy" she said to him, with her arms out stretched. "I am here to save you from those terrible ladies. Come be with me, little boy."
 Kindred looked at her open arms. Arms that had teased a little boy so many times, only to strike him and hurt him when he reached back for her. He pushed her away from him.
 "No Mother, I will not reach for you again. The little boy you seek to destroy is gone. He grew up into a man. You can not hurt him anymore."
 Suddenly his mother's face became contorted. Her anger was all that could be seen. She struck his cheek with her fingernails. Blood ran from the wounds and Kindred stumbled backwards.
 "You stupid little boy! You will never grow up! You will never know peace or happiness! I will see to that! Souls... the souls are here and they will help me kill you!  Poor, poor ladies. Taking from them the love they so craved and needed, just like you did to me! Shame on you, Kindred!"
 Clarise watched in horror as Kindred's shirt was torn from his body. Cuts began to appear and Kindred cried out every time a new cut appeared. Kindred did not try to cover his heart this time. Clarise stood in shock and fear as he allowed the "souls"to rip at his chest. His mother scratched his face and his arms until they too bled. Clarise thought the look on Kindreds face was one of relief, not fear or pain. The wounds seemed to give him a pleasure of some sort. Or maybe, Clarise thought they gave him Strength. She wanted to help him. Clarise grabbed his mother and tossed her to the ground. The look of surprise was in his mothers eyes. She stood and scratched at Clarise. Clarise again pushed her to the ground. She turned a again to Kindred.
 "Fight Kindred... get up and fight! We can defeat them!"
 "I am facing them, Clarise! One by one, I am facing them, remembering and apologizing."
 "Kindred, they are killing you! The souls are taking a little bit of you each time you remember. You think you are winning but they are stronger. Call to the "dark people". Call them Now Kindred!! The souls are taking you away from me!"
 The cuts seem to lessen, but Clarise could see that as they did, Kindred became weaker. They truly were killing him, one soul at a time. The cost of forgiveness seemed to be very high. Clarise had to find a way to stop them. Kindred's mother rushed her one more time. This time, Clarise held nothing back. She did not have the luxury of time to do so. She met her with a force that knocked Kindred's mother completely off her feet. Her body fell backwards and her head struck a rock, hard. Blood trickled from where her head had hit the rock, Clarise cared none whether his mother was dead or alive. She only knew she could now focus on Kindred.
An unseen force hit her in the chest. Her blouse was ripped open as Clarise felt the first sting of pain from a cut to her chest.  It was followed by another and another, so quickly that Clarise had no time to protect herself. She collapsed to the ground, beside Kindred. Blood covered her body now. The wounds were deeper than before. She could feel life ebbing out of her. She reached over and took Kindreds hand in hers. She stared deep into his eyes.
 "I love you Kindred. I would never hurt you as they have done. Their memory has haunted you for so Long, love. Destroyed your childhood and seeped into your adult stage. I will die for you if that's what is needed to save you. I have known your love, felt your heavenly touch. I have no regrets."
 Her body spasmed as more wounds appeared. Kindred realized that While the souls were so intent on killing Clarise, they were Not trying to kill him now. She was drawing their attention, just as he had done for his mother so many times as a young boy. He could see... feel her letting them take her so that he would live. He suddenly knew what he had to do to save them both.
 "N-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!!!! I will Not let you have her. She is mine! I am here! Come and destroy me if you think you can!"
 As if he were a magnet, suddenly his body was ravished with cuts and blood. The souls seemed  almost in a frenzy. Kindred looked down and saw Clarise, her body lifeless, her eyes wide open.
 "N-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o, No-o-o-o-o-o! Damn you!"
 He fell to the ground beside her and covered her body with his.

Friday, May 21, 2010

Silence can be so Loud... Pt 5

The cabin looked as if it were 20 miles from the car. In reality, it was only 100 yards.The length of a football field. It seemed so much further to Clarise and Kindred. The cuts and scratches were deep and their bodies were weak from the last encounter. Kindred ran to Clarise and tried to shield her body from the unseen souls.
 "Just keep running, sweetheart. It isn't too far now!"
 They reached the door and realized it was locked. Standing still was the worst thing they could do. The souls cut as deep as they could. Kindred could hear their voices as they tore into his back, trying to reach through to his heart. He cried out and pulled Clarise to his chest, covering her heart so the souls could not touch it. Kindred tried to put the key in the door. A deep laceration to his hand caused him to drop the keys. In desperation, he reached for a brick and ran towards a window.
 "No-o-o-o-o-o Kindred," Clarise called out, "Do Not break a window! The souls will use it to come inside the cabin! I'll get the keys!"
 Kindred dropped the brick and ran back to Clarise. She stood with the key in her hand. She was trying to unlock the door but the blood running down her face was clouding her vision.
 "I can't see the key-hole, Kindred! Please, help me!"
 Kindred grabbed the keys from her, stopping only for a moment to touch her face. He wanted to cry, but he knew he needed clear eyes to unlock the door. Clarise fell to the ground, trying to protect her chest. Kindred turned to pick her up.
 "No, no... for God's sake, for My sake, just get us inside the cabin! They are too strong out here!"
 The door suddenly opened. Kindred reached down and scooped Clarise off the ground. He carried her limp body into the cabin, kicking the door shut with his foot. He laid her on the sofa and feel to his knees. Tearing his shirt off, he tried to wipe the blood from her face. Clarise appear to be lifeless. He quickly checked for a Pulse. A sigh came from him as he felt the speeding "thump, thump," of her racing heart. Clarise stirred under his touch.
 "Safe, Kindred?"
 "Yes sweetheart, we are safe for now. They can not come inside the cabin. Apparently, my Aunt and Uncle's spirits are still protecting me here. Let's get cleaned up and allow these wounds to start healing. Then we will find a way to beat these things, once and for all."
 They showered and put on clean clothes. Kindred found food in the pantry and the refridge. The cabin appeared to be well stocked and the freshness told him it had been done recently.
 "I don't know who has been to the cabin. I thought I was the only one that knew of it other than you and my mother. I seriously doubt that she stocked the cabin for me."
 "Right now, I don't care who did it. I am just relieved we are here. Kindred, we need to talk about one more thing.  This is something you, yourself, will need to help me with. I understand where the "souls" have come from. You mention the "dark people" and speak as if they help you. Please tell me who they are. I need to know if they are friend or foe."
 "During the worst times of the abuse, I would go to a wooded area behind our house. I would stay there sometimes until far into the night, waiting until I thought my father would be passed out. It was during those times that I would try and escape from the realities of my life. Sometimes I would drift to sleep and the "dark people" would come to me and help to heal my wounds. I could never really see them but I knew they were there. Somehow, they made my hunger go away and made my belly fill as if it were full. They would touch me and make my cuts hurt less until they healed. I call them "dark people" because they only came in the night and I could not see them."
 "Something your mind conjured to cope with the horrible things that you were fighting."
 "No! No, you are wrong, Clarise. They were not fake nor fabricated by my mind. They truly exist and have saved my life more times than I can remember."
 "Kindred, I am not belittling them. I am just saying that perhaps..."
 "When we need them, they Will be there for us, Clarise. I need you to believe or they may not help us. Sooner or later we are going to have to go outside. I won't do that until night time. I, we need the help of the "dark people" if we are going to win."
 The windows shook as the "souls" tried to enter the cabin. Kindred walked around the cabin as if he did not even hear them. Clarise found herself clutching at her chest at every sound, fearful that they would get inside somehow and take her heart. They slept off and on, feeling safe to drift off, without the fear of the souls coming in through their sleep. Clarise was startled from her rest by the sounds of a door slamming shut.
 "Kindred!?!?" She looked at the front door. It was still locked. Searching through the cabin, she panicked when she realized Kindred was not inside. She raced to a window that gave her full view of the forest. Her eyes searched frantically for Kindred. She called out to him from the window. Suddenly she heard the front door open and saw Kindred enter. She threw her arms around him and kissed him deeply. As quickly as she had done so, she shoved him back away from her.
 "Where were you!?!?!? Why did you go outside?!? You left me here alone, damn you!"
 Kindred took her in his arms. "You were safe inside, Clarise. I had to be sure the "dark people" were here with us. They will be here when we need them. I hoped they might have some answers for us as to how to defeat the "souls."
 "Clarise, you do know why I was institutionalized, right?"
 "They told me it was for your own safety. They believed that you were hurting yourself... that the wounds they found on you were put there by you."
 "They locked me up because I told them of the souls and dark people. I tried to explain that those that hurt me, used me for their own pleasure and satisfaction, mainly my father and his insatiable appetite to inflict pain, had created a new world for me. A world where I could be safe and without shame and pain. They tried to be kind but told me that that world was not real. I lost control and they sedated me. They made me Sleep, Clarise! In their good intentions, they opened the door for the souls to come in and try and kill me. When they came in the next morning, saw the wounds and my bleeding, they refused to believe that the "souls" had done it. The doors were locked and my nightmare became my reality. They would search my room for anything I could have used to cause the new wounds every night. They would find nothing."
 Kindred suddenly stopped speaking. Clarise saw his eyes widen and fear take over his looks. She stared at him as he looked around slowly. Then, she too heard it. Her heart beat twice as fast and she took hold of Kindred's hands. The voice was soft. It sounded so gentle and kind. Clarise held Kindred closer.
 "Do not listen, Kindred. Cover your ears! Do something to block it out!" She knew he wasn't hearing anything she was saying. He heard only the soft, reassuring voice of his Mother.
 "I will save you, baby. Mommy loves her baby. I won't let any more harm come to you. Mommy knows how badly you hurt. Let me take it all away for you. I Love you, Kindred. Please don't leave me out here, baby boy."
 Clarise held on to him tight. She cried out and wrapped herself around him. She panicked when Kindred stood, as if she were not holding him at all. She screamed as he walked towards the door.


Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Silence can be so Loud... Pt 4

Clarise wondered if bringing so much back to Kindred's memory at once was a good thing. She feared it might be too much for him to take in while he was still battling the "souls." She also knew that knowledge was strength and that without knowing all that he was up against, Kindred was far too vulnerable. She took his hand in hers and held it tight.
 "During a "visit" from your mother a few years back, your Aunt and Uncle disappeared. Your mother had tried to steal you away again. Your Uncle discovered her pushing you into her car. She had found a way to Lure you back and was about to leave when he found you. Feigning kindness, she led him away from you, out of your sight. Your mother had a way with deception and somehow she made him call out to your Aunt. When the authorities came to check on you, they found the cabin empty. They searched for you and your Aunt and Uncle for weeks, using dogs and people.  Your picture was all over the news for a week. Someone called in to say they had seen you with your mother and authorities closed in on the area. They found you in a warehouse your mother had rented and took you away. Your Aunt and Uncle were never seen again. It has always been believed that your mother killed them and buried the bodies somewhere."
 "They were never found though and that means they could still be alive."
 "Kindred, that was so long ago. If they weren't killed then, they would have starved to death long ago. If they were alive, they would have come to you by now."
 Kindred did not respond to her. He stared straight ahead and drove.
 "Kindred, there is something else we need to talk about before we reach the cabin. It is important."
 "We will be safe at the cabin. You said so yourself."
 "Yes, I did, but we can not stay in the cabin forever. Sooner or later we have to go outside. We already know the "souls" are right with us. We saw that when you stopped the car. We have to discuss the "souls." The only way to beat them is to face them. What is it that you have done to them that has caused them to follow you."
 Kindred slowed the vehicle down as he looked at Clarise. Such a beautiful woman, with her long tresses of Auburn hair and her intoxicating green eyes. Kindred drifted back to when they had first touched... first melded into one. She had opened a new world to him. A world that showed him that there could be love without payment. That he could give and be given to. Not a one way street but pure, unconditional love. He had fallen in love with her from that first moment of passion. He was still, very In love with her. He looked away before he spoke.
 "I took their souls from their bodies."
 Clarise looked into his eyes, tears streaming down his face. "How Kindred? How could you take their souls?"
 "I broke their hearts and by doing that, their souls had no where to be. All the years of abuse had opened doors into places you don't even want to imagine going. I found portals that hid me from the shame of not being able to stand up and fight for myself. Places that a little boy could go that allowed me to Not be where ever the shame was. But the portals were not free to enter. I had to pay in souls. Each time I broke a heart, I exchanged their sorrow for my safety. Now, they want to be reunited with their hearts. Each time one heals, their souls try to destroy me. That is the only way they can be restored."

  "Then we need to find a way to return their souls with out you having to die."
 As Kindred thought about what Clarise had said, the cabin appeared through the trees. He could see that the bark had been torn from the Pines that stood around the cabin. He knew exactly who or what had done the damage. He stopped the car and looked at Clarise.
 "They are already here, Clarise. They will be waiting for us when we stop."
 "We will have to run as fast as we can to the cabin. Once we are inside, we will be safe. Just don't stop or look back, Kindred. The pain will only last for a while."
 Kindred pulled Clarise to him and kissed her deeply. He had fallen In Love with her all over again. She didn't care about the pain she would have to endure for him. Never in his life had he been loved this way. Their kiss was broke by the sound of unseen hatred rocking the car from side to side. They kicked their doors opened  and as their legs were exposed, blood and pain and screams became their only thoughts.
 "Just make it to the cabin, Kindred. Don't stop..." Her voice was replaced by the most horrible screams. Kindred felt his heart skipping beats, breaking for the woman he loved.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Silence can be so Loud... Pt.3

Clarise shook Kindred's body as hard as she could. She needed to wake him from his deep sleep before the "souls" ripped her body into shreds as they were doing to Kindred's. She did not want to uncover his body but the pain from the unseen enemy was becoming too much for her to bear. She feared she might pass out from it all and then Kindred would be lost to her forever.
 "Please Kindred... wake up Now, before it is to late!!!"
The souls pulled at her body, trying to roll her over. Clarise was no longer sure if they wanted to reach Kindred's body or wanted to get to her own heart. As long as she protected Kindred, she too was the enemy and the target of their hatred. She felt Kindred's body move under her. She could feel him fighting back. Whether it was toward the off or wake, she was unsure. The only thing that mattered to her right now was that he Was fighting.
 "Clarise." She heard her name slip from his lips. "Help me, Please."
 "I am here, Kindred! Wake up and look at me! See me so that they will go away! They are hurting me, Kindred!"
 As if a light had been turned on suddenly, Kindreds eyes were opened as soon as Clarise had spoken those last words. She watched as he looked around quickly, felt his arms move around her body. In one single move, Kindred rolled over completely and covered her body with his own. She immediately felt the unseen stop tearing at her body. The change from such intense pain to no longer feeling them hurting her was so over whelming, Clarise remembered only looking at Kindred for a second... and then, she passed out.
How much time had passed since she had fainted? Where was her home, her bed? She knew they must be in a car, as she could feel the movement, hear the tires singing their song as they rolled down the highway. Clarise sat straight up and looked at Kindred. Her body ached from the cuts on her skin. Cuts that seemed to be healing quickly. She felt the back of his hand gently caress her cheek.
 "I am sorry they hurt you, Clarise. Soon we will be to the Cabin, where we will be safe for a short time."
 "Don't be sorry, Kindred. I wanted to protect you. I was where I was by choice. I remember you waking and covering me with your body. That is the last thing I can recall."
 "I bathed you and treated your wounds as best I could. They Will heal in a short time. They always do. All but the memory will be gone. That part, it pains me to say, I can Not take away nor fix for you."
 "Sh-h-h-h-h-h-h, it's o.k. We will fix this together, sweet man. I assume we are on our way to the cabin."
 "We should be there before day break." Shadows lit up the trees as they passed them. Lights that appeared to be out of place, flickering all through the darkened forest. She watched them appear and then disappear. Kindred looked at Clarise. "They know where we are going. Both the souls and the dark people will be there when we reach the cabin. We are safe inside, as it has always been for me."
 "Yes, we will be good inside, at least until they find a way inside."
 "Tell me why, Love. When they "Shocked" me at the home, I lost so much memory. Only the terrible things remain for me. You are the only link I have to them. Why am I safe there at the cabin, Clarise?"

 "After your father died, your mother's anger and bitterness became fierce. You were found to be not guilty of any wrong doing by the courts and that angered her worse. She kept her feelings silent during the proceedings and the court sent you back home to her. She picked up where your father had been when he died.  She would beat you and cut you, holding you after she was finished, until you stopped crying and hugged her back. And then..."
 "And then, she would start again. I remember things when you talk about them. But why is the cabin so safe?"
 "Your aunt and Uncle would come to take you on weekends. They brought you to the cabin and tried to make your sadness and pain go away. They even fought for you in court but the "powers that were" thought it better for you to be with your mother. She would find you here sometimes and wait until you wandered off into the forest alone. She would attack you until your Aunt or Uncle would find you. They would take you into the cabin and chase your mother away. She could not get inside the cabin to harm you. The cabin remained your place of safety after that."
 "What happened to them?"
 "Isn't it enough to absorbed for now, Kindred?"
 He stopped the car and looked at her. "Tell me what happened to my Aunt and Uncle, Clarise. I must know!"
 Suddenly, they felt the car rock to one side and then, to the other. The windows rattled as if they were being torn from the car. Things heard, but unseen, struck the windshield over and over until a crack appeared in the center. Panic was in Clarise's eyes as she began to scream and cry.
 "Drive Kindred, drive!!! I will tell you about them after we are back on the road! Hurry, please! They are going to get inside if you don't drive Now!"
 Kindred put the car into drive and pulled out on to the road again. The shaking stopped and all that was in front of them was the highway again.
 "Now, Clarise... tell me where my Aunt and Uncle went to." 


Friday, May 14, 2010

Silence can be so Loud... Pt. 2

"They will come looking for you, Kindred. You must know that."  "I do, Clarise, but they won't find me. You know that I can be sure of that, don't you?"
 "I only know that I want to protect you in any way that I can. This is one of the first places they will look for you. They know of our bond. We have to find a place where you can hide until we can think this through."

 "Clarise, it is not the people from the "home" I am worried about. The souls I have hurt have come back. They are trying to destroy me before I can make it all right." Kindred stood and walked to her radio. He turned the volume up enough that he felt it would drown out their conversation to anyone but them. "They can only reach me if it is silent. When the home took my music away, they came back.  The further away I get, the harder it is for them to find me. We need to get to the cabin as soon as we can."
 Clarise studied Kindred. She watched his eyes flutter from side to side as if he were watching for something, someone. She knew she could deny him nothing. He had saved her life more times than she could remember. She loved him very much but she also knew that staying with him meant having to watch the horrors she had tried so hard to forget since he had gone away.
 "I'll take some time off from work. We can leave as soon as you want to."
 "My father was a cruel man, Clarise. It was because of him that I became what I am today. He forced my hand when I was just a child. I only thank him for causing me to search out the people in the dark. They saved my life and in turn, I found you. I only wish others could see them, like you do. Then they would not think me crazy."
 "You are far from crazy, Kindred. You are the smartest man I have ever known. Have you talked to the people in the dark yet?"
 "No, but they know I am free right now. They always know. We should get to the cabin as soon as we can. As much as they know I am free, so do the "souls." Once we reach the cabin, I will seek out the dark people and they will tell us what to do."

 "Kindred... you do know that you did Not hurt all of those souls, right? Have you come to realize that yet?"
 "If that is true, then why do they seek to kill me? Help me, Clarise. Help me to remember, please."
 "I found you five years ago, Kindred. I was coming home from work and saw something in the road. I wanted to just pass it by but something told me to stop. I found you, curled in a ball, the rain falling on your face. I was drawn to you immediately and tried to help you into my car. There was something out there that night. Something both good and bad. They tugged at you as I was putting you in the car. The voices were a mix of "save him" and "let us have him." When I got you into the car and touched you, I could see into your mind. I saw the little boy, reaching out to his mother for comfort. I heard her words of hatred, felt your very soul cry as she slapped you. Over the next four years, each time I touched you while you slept, I learned more. I saw the people that you tried to help and watched each and every one of them want to be with you. I saw women fall in love with you only to hate you when you told them you were leaving. I saw men want to be You and have your knowledge and your charm. They tried to destroy you when they found they could not have it."
 "And you saw the dark people come to me? You saw the souls of those that I had hurt trying to destroy me?"
 Tears streamed down Clarise's eyes as she held Kindred. She wasn't certain if she held a man in her arms or a little boy, still reaching out to his mother. She cried softly and felt Kindred's huge fingertips brush the tears away.

 "I saw it all, Kindred. I learned that the "dark people" had come from another plaine, somewhere far away from our own world. They came in the dark to help you. Times when you were alone in the silence, vulnerable to the "souls."
 "And the souls? Tell me again where they came from."
 "They too came from another place. A place that is evil and cruel. The place that your father exposed you too every time he struck you or your mother. He opened some portal that you and I closed for a while. A place that somehow has been re-opened."

 "We have to go there and close the door forever, Clarise. You know we must."
 "Yes, Kindred... we must go there. But remember, we might not win. If we lose, we both may die."
 "Do you love me enough to go there with me, Clarise?"
 "I do. We will go to the place in the mountains that you first found them and face all of them."
 "We won't die, Clarise. We will win this time, completely. We will spend the rest of our lives together."
 Clarise watched him as he drifted off to sleep. She layed him down on the bed and covered him. She layed beside him and tried to sleep. She wondered if her own words were true. Would they survive the silence?
Clarise was suddenly startled from her sleep. She heard before she saw Kindred fighting in his sleep. She turned and saw the blankets pulled back. Unseen fingers were tearing at his chest. The skin was torn away and blood covered his body. He screamed out in the night and tried desperately to fight off the creatures that were trying to steal his heart from his chest.
 "Just take me... make it all end!!!!!!" 
Clarise heard his words and tossed back her blankets. "No-o-o-o-o Kindred, No! Do not give in t them! I will not let you go!"
 Clarise covered his body with hers. She screamed out in both shock and pain. Never had she felt this before. Never had they torn into her skin. She writhed in pain but refused to move from Kindred's body. "Fight, Kindred, fight! Don't you dare give up now. I just got you back and I am not going to lose you again!" Her body was filled with unimaginable pain. She cried out again and again, still refusing to let them take her Kindred. "Wake up, Kindred" she cried... "Please wake up for both of our sakes!!!!"


Thursday, May 13, 2010

Silence can be so loud.

  It didn't last long... it never did. The pain stayed with him just long enough to remind Kindred  that he was not alone. The watchful eyes of the souls that had felt the sting of his whip were never far away. Unseen fingers reached out from an Abyss and ripped at his skin. His chest bled as the souls tried desperately to tear his heart from his body. His screams of pain went unheard by most. Perhaps they were more un-noticed than unseen. Either way, it mattered very little to him. The only thing that Did mean anything to him was freeing his soul from the ones he had hurt. Each cut, each shredding of his skin, brought him closer to that reality. But how much more did he owe? When would enough truly be Enough!?!?!?
 The walls, white as the purest first snowfall, surrounded him on all sides. The voices echoed in his brain like the sound of a huge church bell, ringing in the new day.  Kindred held his hands over his ears but the sounds came from inside, not outside. His hands did little more than warm his ears. They blocked nothing out. Not the bells, not the voices, not even the screams of the souls, waiting for their release to their final resting place. He had to escape from this place that held him hostage. He had to find the woman that could make this all go away. She had been the only one that had ever truly loved him. His Father dead before Kindred was nine and his mother... oh how she hated Kindred. She would have rather stayed with a man that beat her daily and smelled of whiskey and urine than to have seen him dead at the hands of her only son.
 Kindred was only eight years old when he slipped into his mother and fathers bedroom, that terrible night. His father was too busy tossing his mother across the room to notice him enter the bedroom. Too fixed on causing Kindred's mother to hurt in ways one could not imagine without going a little bit insane to see him walk up behind his father and take aim at him. His father only noticed Kindred in the room after the second shot rang out. He turned and looked at his son, both anger and pain burning in his eyes. His father, in his last moments of life, grabbed Kindred and threw him across the room. His mother, the woman he had just killed to save, threw herself onto his fathers dead body. She cried out as she held his lifeless form in her arms. Kindred, laying crumpled against the bedroom wall, heard his mothers words of hatred. They were burned into his young mind forever. Words that would set his feet on a path of destruction that would touched every soul that came into contact with Kindred.
  "You horrible boy!!!!!! You just killed the man I Love!! You shot your own father!!!!!!! I hope you rot in Hell!!!"
  "I have to get out of here! I need to find Clarise. She will help me escape this insane world that reaches out to destroy me. She understood I wasn't a bad man. She knows I had to do what I did."
  The door to his room opened. The intern was new, unfamiliar with the patients locked behind the doors. Kindred seized the opportunity and over powered the young man. Tossing him by his foot and arm into the far wall, Kindred watched the young man fall to the floor. His mind spun, and for a moment, he saw himself laying where the young man was. He heard his own crying, listened to himself pleading with his mother. "I love you Mother! I did it for You! Please love me Mother... Please, please forgive me! I Love you!" And he saw his mother stand and walk over to him. He knew she understood. How could she not. He had just killed the man that had hurt her since long before Kindred was born. Kindred saw himself reaching his arms out to her, ready to be held and loved. And for the millionth time... Kindred felt the sting of her hand on his face. Oh how it hurt.
  "I hate you!!" were the last words Kindred would ever hear from his Mother.
He walked out the door and made his way outside. He had not seen the outdoors in a very long time. The intern had $18.00 dollars in his pocket. Kindred would pay him back as soon as he could. He hailed a taxi and went straight to Clarise's house.  Her car was parked in the driveway so he knew she was there. Kindred paid the driver and walked up to the door, ringing the bell as he watched the taxi pull away. Clarise opened the door and Kindred saw first fear in her eyes. The fear was quickly replaced by confusion.
  "Kindred, how... what, what are you doing here? I thought..."
 "I had to get away, Clarise. Please, I beg of you, don't turn me away."
Clarise touched his cheek with her tiny hand. She opened the door wider to let him inside. "I would never turn away from you, Kindred. I love you. Come in and tell me what happened. no one would tell me where you went to. I truly thought you were dead." She hugged him tight.

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Depression... Not just another word.

Here it is, Saturday morning and I am ready to write about a subject I have written on many times before.  I write often about it because i believe that in one way or another, it effects more people than perhaps people know. It's out-reach goes far beyond the person that has this disorder. It touches the lives of not only those near by but also the lives of people often not even associated with the inflicted. I am writing about depression, an illness that effects more than 19 million Americans and 1.7 million across the world. I write about this because sometimes I will go to a site that is dedicated to depression and after reading it I feel as if I know little more if anything about what it really is.
 Depression to many is simply a word or a diagnosis. So you were told by your doctor that you are depressed. D-u-u-u-u-u-h. You pretty much knew that when you went to see them. But what does that really mean to you and to those around you?  We all have our bad days or days we simply feel like the world is against us. What separated you from a million others that caused your doctor to say "hey, you are depressed.?" That is really one of the questions that rarely are answered for us. There is still so much unknown about things like depression and about Bipolar disorder. Sometimes I think that the real answers come from the very people that are effected by these disorders.
 Depression touches so many lives in so many ways. I live it daily and feel it almost always. One difference between myself and someone that is having a down day is this. People have down times but their life in general is a happy one. That isn't to say everything is grand for them. It merely means that though they have a bad day now and then, the good days are more common. For myself and millions others, I have the opposite. I have good days but the sad or lost and confused far out weigh the good days. When i am having a "grand" day, I am still fully aware that tears or sadness or the feeling that I simply am not good for anything or anyone is always just a breeze away. Anything small can and too often does trigger those feelings and changes my entire day... sometimes, my week or month.  I don't "bounce back" and go about my daily routine. I carry it with me and as the day or week goes on, I add to it until the weight is too much to carry. Sound familiar? I am sure to many of you, it does.
 People, medical sites can tell you all about the medical effects of depression and/or being bipolar. It doesn't really click unless you feel what they are saying. I don't mean have the symptoms. I am talking about Feeling the very words of someone that has been there or is there. I am writing about those that love someone that is suffering because they too suffer right along with you. To watch you go through battles inside, knowing the very best they can offer you is an ear or to love you often leaves them feeling useless to you. They want to help you but don't truly know how. And how do we expect them to do something that we ourselves have no idea how to do, even for ourselves? And so... we take on that guilt as well and make it our own.
 Being diagnosed, as I said before, is just a term. A simple word that is tossed around so easily today that I often wonder if some even really know what it is. It isn't about being sad for a moment or even fora day or two. Hell, life does that just because it is fast pace and demanding today.  The very best of the Lot feel that. It is the silent, behind the scene feelings that are destructive. The feelings that no one would nor could understand and so we suffer alone, in silence, crying in secret, feeling as if we serve no purpose other than to hurt those around us that separate us from the rest of the world. It is the need to feel and to know why we are this way that drives us. Answers that never seem to come. Doctors and therapists telling us what medically can be done and us, inside, screaming "no thank you!!!!" Fears that no one but those that suffer can imagine, whether real or self induced, fears that are as real to us as the very air we breathe.
  If you suffer from these disorders, I hope you have a good "support team." The safe places we have, few and rare, are the only thing that gives us reason to continue the journey our feet have been set on. Loved ones that really Do care and that truly Do believe that there is something not quite right for you are more important that anyone could imagine. And those that Do NOT believe or that feel there is nothing wrong with you that you can not simply "get past it", can destroy all that you are without even realizing it and sometimes, sadly, without even caring.  They have a way to bring you to places they do Not even want to try and imagine and for certain would not EVER want to follow you there.
 If you are someone that lives with or around a person inflicted with depression or bipolar and you love them as best as you can, then I say God Bless you and thank you for that. You may in fact be a binding tie that keeps that loved one here on this earth. You too have a "power", or perhaps I should say a "gift" to touch and help that loved one survive and function in a world that is mostly abstract and threatening to them.
 I don't know that I have written anything different or new here today. I hope that I have at least caused you to stop and think for a moment. To reach out and grab One thought for a minute, something that for those of that do suffer consider a rare and beautiful moment. Depression is sooooooo much more than just a website that writes about it. It is a way of life for some of us. Rough, sad, scary or otherwise, it is our world and we need You, the one looking in from the outside to believe that it IS real. After-all, who would ever ask to be This way? Ahhhhhhhh, but that is another write all in itself.    Darrel 

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Stress and writing... a great release.

Funny how when ever I have deep thoughts, this is where I come to. It is the writing that releases the inner soul and allow me to drift away from life around me now and then.I find myself almost in that "looking down at yourself" sort of feeling when I write. I am sometimes amazed as I watch the words appear on the screen as if they were there and simply needed to be activated somehow. My thoughts become a bit abstract and I move from place to place and try to remember where I have been since the last time I came here. Perhaps... I should come here more often.
I saw my therapist yesterday. There was a time that a statement like that would not have been made public. It was almost embarrassing to have anyone know you were seeing a "Shrink." Today, I think it is almost a status thing. If you live and breathe the air, you see a Phsychiatrist. There is no shame in it. People see therapis for many different reasons today. We live in a very fast pace, stressed world today. Life is non stop and the entire world seems to be shortening the time that was used for "getting a good nights rest." The sleep we used to almost covet we now have replaced with the World Wide Web, better known to most as the internet.
At night, when the world used to sleep, I am sitting up, staring at a screen, sometimes typing to a friend, other times doing work that brings me in a nice supplemental income. Whatever my reason for being here, I Am here until the very wee hours of the morning while my family sleeps, not 25 feet away from where I sit. It relaxes me to be here and gives me a place to lose the days events or to write them down so that I never forget them. It doesn't steal away hours of family time as the family sleeps as they should. But for me, and I think Millions of others around the world, sleep is a needed evil that only happens because my body insists.
As I was saying aout "abstract"... I went off the beaten path for a moment. Or did I??? Stress can take from you the very essence of what sleep is intended to do. It robs you of the sleep that yourbody needs, wether You believe that to be so or not. Even when you do succumb to your bodies desire, hmmm... more insistance that you lay dow to sleep, your mind is never ceasing to keep thoughts and images and fears and needs from invading your precious sleep time. Andddddddddddddd, back to my "Shrink" visit. When I feel the stress of the world around me, I want to run somewhere and hide. I want to find a place where no one knows me and just be one of many that owes no one an apoligy or takes on the pains or burdens of someone we love.
It is no secret to most of my readers that I am Bipolar. I suffer daily from a disorder that leaves me spinning at times. It causes my mind to go places that most would not go and those that dare to would run screaming away as fast as they can. For me, it is simply my world. Stress is a daily part of my life, as it is with half the world, I am sure but for me, it is just a little more... did I say "little?" It is a lot more ummmm, mixed up. Stress brings to my world fear and nervousness. I find ways to deal with it and try to go on with my day as best I can. Some days, the "other team" wins.
Sooooooooooo... She says, {my Shrink} that it is good to think and try to find alternate ways to deal with the stress in my life. Funnel it towards something positive like my novels or writng or singing. Something that will take the many abstract thoughts and channel them into something good. So far, again, the other team is scoring and looking towards that Victory Bell to ring. She says that in facing the issues that keep my sleep away, it may help to make them not so prominent in my mind. We shall see. ;) My real point here is to say that writing is a healthy alternative to an unhealthy thought mechanism. It gives me a place to be and a world where no one judges me nor looks at me differently. Because truly, I am not so different from you or you or you. I simply see things diffently than others might. Not always in a bad way. I wonder in my mind how others deal with their daily stress and if Others feel the need to get away from their daily stress, just for a little while, to try and grab a thought here and there and find some peace that will allow the to sleep One night, without interruption. Does that exist in the world I live in????

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