Writing for You...

I looked at the name of my blog-site today and it made me wonder. "Things I Know about" was started for several reasons. I wanted a place to put my thoughts. I wanted this place to be somewhere that I could write openly and honestly about issues that effect almost everyone, at least once in their lives. Obviously, the experiences would be a little different from each other since I know that not everyone is bipolar. I know that those that stop here may have loved ones that are inflicted with this disorder. I know that people will stop here for their own personal reasons. They may pass through and never leave a mark on the page. I do hope though that when they leave, they are able to take a little something with them from my own past.
 But back to the name of the site here. "things I know about" started out with me telling you, the reader, about how things in my life had taught me new lessons. How the actions or happenings around me gave me choices of how I would react to each of them. And I wrote about exactly that. From being bipolar and suffering from Tourettes to losing the love of my life and how I would deal with it all, I wrote it down here for you to see. Sometimes, I dug so deep into my soul that I felt as if I were standing naked before each of you. I wrote about my smiles and my tears and the heart break of losing someone so dear to me, it was more like a physical part of my body was torn away from me. The pain was as real as any pain might be, should you have your arm or leg ripped off of your body. You felt it in my writing and I bared my everything for you.
 When I look at some of my writings that are more recently written, I tried to see something I had learned from the event or feeling I was writing about. When I write about my issues of trying to deal with my mind taking me to dark places, telling you how scared or how lonely or sad I am, am I telling you about things I know about? Am I simply writing my thoughts without giving to you a lesson learned? After re-reading a few of the blogs, I believe that I am doing that. i am telling you the roads that being bipolar takes me down. I am showing you that by my writing about it, being candid, that I Am dealing with it. I hope that I am telling you that you are not alone. That is something I know. I am displaying for you things that you as a bipolar person may encounter and that by remembering something you have read here, you will feel a bit less alone. There is a peace in knowing that others feel what you are feeling.
 Even when I wrote my short stories here for you, I am expressing my inner self. Writing is extremely therapeutic for me and so... I write. I write with all of my heart and soul, hoping that maybe it will bring at least of small measure of peace to your souls.
 Things I have learned or that I am learning each and everyday are things I want to pass on to you. I will sometimes write abstractly and may even seem confused in my writing. I am sure that the reader has been exactly where I am at the time of my writing. Lessons are brought to us every day in many forms. It is up to us to decide what we are going to do with them. Those days that I wish no longer to be on this earth are choice days. I can choose to stay or go. So far, thankfully, I have chosen to stay around a bit longer. I will continue to write as long as life allows me to do so.  

To be embarrassed or Not to be... Bipolar, it's not just for breakfast anymore.

I continue writing about Bipolar and it's effects because I noticed something in the responses from my readers. It was the same in almost all of the comments and showed me there is still an issue with being Bipolar. So many readers responded with thanks for being Open about my disorder. I had to sit and think back to when I realized there was truly a problem for me. It has been a long time and my memory struggled to bring back that time for me. Or perhaps, it was more of ME that didn't want to remember back Then. Was I embarrassed? Did I not want to tell anyone? Was it a "dirty little secret" that I wanted to keep all to myself?
 We need to have a look at what the medical field calls the Medical cause of Bipolar.   {{Bipolar disorder is frequently inherited, with genetic factors accounting for approximately 80 per cent of the cause of the condition.}} Chemical issues in the brain also are believed to be a cause of some becoming Bipolar.http://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/docs/CausesofBipolarDisorder.pdf reading more makes me think about whether we have any cause to be embarrassed that we are Bipolar. It says that not only is sometimes handed down to us but that also, it can be caused by a chemical imbalance in our brains. These two things alone show me that it is not our choice to be the way we are. As was said in my blog comments, NO ONE asks to be this way. So then, are we to be embarrassed by the fact that we are bipolar? If we stay embarrassed, nothing gets passed on to others that may need to know they are not alone.  The people that love us can not learn what is the best way to live with us or to deal with us when we are going through a "mood swing."
 Can I say that I am never embarrassed at the fact that I am Bipolar?  I can Not... times when I shake or twitch at the wrong time. Freaking out over seeing a bunch of sheep or having to turn away from a commercial that has that Damn Burger King, king in it. Finding it impossible not to Baa like a sheep when i see one and making the sound inside my head when people are close enough to hear, bursting inside for having to hold it inside. Of course I am embarrassed by these things. I have tourettes along with the Bipolar. The out-bursts are totally embarrassing, BUT...if i didn't talk about it to my loved ones, didn't tell You, my readers that I do the same things You do, then how would we each know that we do Not suffer alone???
 I hate being what i am. I am at the same time, scared to death of whom I might be if it was gone.  There is sadly, a comfort ability in being what I am. It is a place, a world I have settled into and live with as best as I can, each and every single day. I search for ways to lessen the harsh reality of what i have. I write... i am a writer. A published author who also has a CD out of 13 of my own songs. I am talented in so many ways.  I am nothing! I fail where I so wanted to succeed. I hurt people's hearts because of how i am. I become lost in a world of darkness that lures me to the side of a cliff. Without my writing, I would be completely lost.
 The reality of it all is this. You Will have family and loved ones that do Not accept that what you have nor your "issues" are anything that you can not just "get over." You Will have people that turn the other way when you try to talk to them about your disorder. Some because they think it is not real and others because they do not know how to deal with it nor what to say to you. the truth of it all is also that you will feel very alone and "disconnected" from the rest of the world, more times than i care to say. Life is a constant battle and happiness is a fleeting moment that says The higher your high, the bigger the smiles, the lower the Low that follows will be. And one more truth... YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Remember that, please. Some where out there is someone just like you. And somewhere out there is someone that Will love you exactly the way you are. Never stop believing. We live in a world of thoughts that are so fast we can not grab even one to fix it. But, we Live. That is what really matters.
 I hope this helps some of you and gives you a comfort zone to reach out to loved ones and tell them what is happening in your world. If you do not, they will assume that they have done something wrong. Do not let them carry a burden that does not belong to them. We are what we are and we must choose to face it and live it, or be out cast forever.  

Depression... Not just another word.

Here it is, Saturday morning and I am ready to write about a subject I have written on many times before.  I write often about it because i believe that in one way or another, it effects more people than perhaps people know. It's out-reach goes far beyond the person that has this disorder. It touches the lives of not only those near by but also the lives of people often not even associated with the inflicted. I am writing about depression, an illness that effects more than 19 million Americans and 1.7 million across the world. I write about this because sometimes I will go to a site that is dedicated to depression and after reading it I feel as if I know little more if anything about what it really is.
 Depression to many is simply a word or a diagnosis. So you were told by your doctor that you are depressed. D-u-u-u-u-u-h. You pretty much knew that when you went to see them. But what does that really mean to you and to those around you?  We all have our bad days or days we simply feel like the world is against us. What separated you from a million others that caused your doctor to say "hey, you are depressed.?" That is really one of the questions that rarely are answered for us. There is still so much unknown about things like depression and about Bipolar disorder. Sometimes I think that the real answers come from the very people that are effected by these disorders.
 Depression touches so many lives in so many ways. I live it daily and feel it almost always. One difference between myself and someone that is having a down day is this. People have down times but their life in general is a happy one. That isn't to say everything is grand for them. It merely means that though they have a bad day now and then, the good days are more common. For myself and millions others, I have the opposite. I have good days but the sad or lost and confused far out weigh the good days. When i am having a "grand" day, I am still fully aware that tears or sadness or the feeling that I simply am not good for anything or anyone is always just a breeze away. Anything small can and too often does trigger those feelings and changes my entire day... sometimes, my week or month.  I don't "bounce back" and go about my daily routine. I carry it with me and as the day or week goes on, I add to it until the weight is too much to carry. Sound familiar? I am sure to many of you, it does.
 People, medical sites can tell you all about the medical effects of depression and/or being bipolar. It doesn't really click unless you feel what they are saying. I don't mean have the symptoms. I am talking about Feeling the very words of someone that has been there or is there. I am writing about those that love someone that is suffering because they too suffer right along with you. To watch you go through battles inside, knowing the very best they can offer you is an ear or to love you often leaves them feeling useless to you. They want to help you but don't truly know how. And how do we expect them to do something that we ourselves have no idea how to do, even for ourselves? And so... we take on that guilt as well and make it our own.
 Being diagnosed, as I said before, is just a term. A simple word that is tossed around so easily today that I often wonder if some even really know what it is. It isn't about being sad for a moment or even fora day or two. Hell, life does that just because it is fast pace and demanding today.  The very best of the Lot feel that. It is the silent, behind the scene feelings that are destructive. The feelings that no one would nor could understand and so we suffer alone, in silence, crying in secret, feeling as if we serve no purpose other than to hurt those around us that separate us from the rest of the world. It is the need to feel and to know why we are this way that drives us. Answers that never seem to come. Doctors and therapists telling us what medically can be done and us, inside, screaming "no thank you!!!!" Fears that no one but those that suffer can imagine, whether real or self induced, fears that are as real to us as the very air we breathe.
  If you suffer from these disorders, I hope you have a good "support team." The safe places we have, few and rare, are the only thing that gives us reason to continue the journey our feet have been set on. Loved ones that really Do care and that truly Do believe that there is something not quite right for you are more important that anyone could imagine. And those that Do NOT believe or that feel there is nothing wrong with you that you can not simply "get past it", can destroy all that you are without even realizing it and sometimes, sadly, without even caring.  They have a way to bring you to places they do Not even want to try and imagine and for certain would not EVER want to follow you there.
 If you are someone that lives with or around a person inflicted with depression or bipolar and you love them as best as you can, then I say God Bless you and thank you for that. You may in fact be a binding tie that keeps that loved one here on this earth. You too have a "power", or perhaps I should say a "gift" to touch and help that loved one survive and function in a world that is mostly abstract and threatening to them.
 I don't know that I have written anything different or new here today. I hope that I have at least caused you to stop and think for a moment. To reach out and grab One thought for a minute, something that for those of that do suffer consider a rare and beautiful moment. Depression is sooooooo much more than just a website that writes about it. It is a way of life for some of us. Rough, sad, scary or otherwise, it is our world and we need You, the one looking in from the outside to believe that it IS real. After-all, who would ever ask to be This way? Ahhhhhhhh, but that is another write all in itself.    Darrel