To be embarrassed or Not to be... Bipolar, it's not just for breakfast anymore.

I continue writing about Bipolar and it's effects because I noticed something in the responses from my readers. It was the same in almost all of the comments and showed me there is still an issue with being Bipolar. So many readers responded with thanks for being Open about my disorder. I had to sit and think back to when I realized there was truly a problem for me. It has been a long time and my memory struggled to bring back that time for me. Or perhaps, it was more of ME that didn't want to remember back Then. Was I embarrassed? Did I not want to tell anyone? Was it a "dirty little secret" that I wanted to keep all to myself?
 We need to have a look at what the medical field calls the Medical cause of Bipolar.   {{Bipolar disorder is frequently inherited, with genetic factors accounting for approximately 80 per cent of the cause of the condition.}} Chemical issues in the brain also are believed to be a cause of some becoming Bipolar.http://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/docs/CausesofBipolarDisorder.pdf reading more makes me think about whether we have any cause to be embarrassed that we are Bipolar. It says that not only is sometimes handed down to us but that also, it can be caused by a chemical imbalance in our brains. These two things alone show me that it is not our choice to be the way we are. As was said in my blog comments, NO ONE asks to be this way. So then, are we to be embarrassed by the fact that we are bipolar? If we stay embarrassed, nothing gets passed on to others that may need to know they are not alone.  The people that love us can not learn what is the best way to live with us or to deal with us when we are going through a "mood swing."
 Can I say that I am never embarrassed at the fact that I am Bipolar?  I can Not... times when I shake or twitch at the wrong time. Freaking out over seeing a bunch of sheep or having to turn away from a commercial that has that Damn Burger King, king in it. Finding it impossible not to Baa like a sheep when i see one and making the sound inside my head when people are close enough to hear, bursting inside for having to hold it inside. Of course I am embarrassed by these things. I have tourettes along with the Bipolar. The out-bursts are totally embarrassing, BUT...if i didn't talk about it to my loved ones, didn't tell You, my readers that I do the same things You do, then how would we each know that we do Not suffer alone???
 I hate being what i am. I am at the same time, scared to death of whom I might be if it was gone.  There is sadly, a comfort ability in being what I am. It is a place, a world I have settled into and live with as best as I can, each and every single day. I search for ways to lessen the harsh reality of what i have. I write... i am a writer. A published author who also has a CD out of 13 of my own songs. I am talented in so many ways.  I am nothing! I fail where I so wanted to succeed. I hurt people's hearts because of how i am. I become lost in a world of darkness that lures me to the side of a cliff. Without my writing, I would be completely lost.
 The reality of it all is this. You Will have family and loved ones that do Not accept that what you have nor your "issues" are anything that you can not just "get over." You Will have people that turn the other way when you try to talk to them about your disorder. Some because they think it is not real and others because they do not know how to deal with it nor what to say to you. the truth of it all is also that you will feel very alone and "disconnected" from the rest of the world, more times than i care to say. Life is a constant battle and happiness is a fleeting moment that says The higher your high, the bigger the smiles, the lower the Low that follows will be. And one more truth... YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Remember that, please. Some where out there is someone just like you. And somewhere out there is someone that Will love you exactly the way you are. Never stop believing. We live in a world of thoughts that are so fast we can not grab even one to fix it. But, we Live. That is what really matters.
 I hope this helps some of you and gives you a comfort zone to reach out to loved ones and tell them what is happening in your world. If you do not, they will assume that they have done something wrong. Do not let them carry a burden that does not belong to them. We are what we are and we must choose to face it and live it, or be out cast forever.  

Balancing the Scale...

Spring has Sprung... I think. Sixty degrees when I went to bed and snow on the ground when I woke. Sounds like Spring to me. Well, at least in Iowa, U.S.A. So, I do the balancing act, as I do every year. I rush to get things done when it is nice and then huddle in the warmth of the house when the nasty weather rears it's head again. While thinking about this, I had another thought. Isn't that really what I do with my Life? Try and balance the good and the bad, while trying to process what makes me a good or bad person?
I look back through my life and try so hard to see the "good" man that many have tried to show me. As a youngster, I surrounded myself with those "less fortunate" than me. That is not to say I had More. It is writing of a time when I was my blind Brothers eyes and I made friends with kids that had any and every physical affliction one could imagine. My father was sometimes leery of opening the front door because he wasn't sure who would be standing there. Would it be the deaf kid from next door? Maybe it was the kid that was born without a nose, save the two holes that made up the center of his face. He might even find the boy that was born with one breast that grew like a girls while the other stayed flat like a boys. Whether they were blind, crippled, slower in thought or just Different in some way from other kids, they made up the group I hung with and called my friends. Money nor material things meant nothing to them. Friendship was the most valuable commodity and sadly sometimes, the most easily traded.
I played the balancing act in those days too. I would slip away to the river to meet friends that had No afflictions from time to time. But the two worlds rarely met and when they did, they simply were not compatible. I grew up following the same pattern. One side of my world, being a hero and the other side of the Spectrum, I was "freak" because no one could understand why I would hang with kids that were so unlike me. Was I a good kid or was I merely someone that felt more comfortable with kids that depended on me, looked up to me and appreciated me just for being there? I am still processing that one after 45 years.
Enter, present day. I think my father is still a little afraid to open my front door. He might still find someone standing there with afflictions that make them unacceptable or at the very least, avoidable by the rest of the world. Still trying to balance my life but now, it is for a different reason. I am trying to decipher of I am a good man or a not so good man that surrounds himself with reasons to look good to others.I want to believe so badly in my heart that the good and kind things I do today are because I simply have a good heart. I want to feel inside that I Have reached out to those "less fortunate" because of a love that was instilled in my soul many, many years ago and not because I am trying to find a balance in my life.
DO I Make any sense to you at all??? Welcome to my little world of Bipolar and uncertainties. Of black and white and Grey and Abstract thoughts. What truly gives cause to someone, anyone, calling me a good man? I have hidden from the world a often as I could. I have loved and left and have cheated on hearts that loved me simply because I was me. A confusing occurrence all in and of itself. Issues in my life that find me driving to the Lake, early on a calm, dark Spring morning, to sit, headlights on the river in front of me, and cry. To try and convince myself that I am worthy of the love and the friendships that are part of my daily living. To tell myself that I reach out and help people enough to balance the hurt and pain I cause those that choose to love me. Do the words "Good Man" apply to me, even though I have hurt so may over the years? For every wrong I do, making certain I do something that is right... Is that balancing or do the wrong always weigh more than the good?
I guess that I wonder... can one truly balance the scale once it is loaded with so much sorrow and remorse for causing someone to cry? I wonder...

2010... New or Used?

Today begins a New year. 2010 arrived very much in the same way that 2009 had arrived one year ago. As I look back on the past year and reflect on where I have been and where I wanted to go, I find many places, goals, if you will, that I did not make reality. Goals that weren't missed because they were unattainable. Every single one of them was with in my reach if I had pushed a little harder... reached out further and applied myself more aggressively. Some of them were so close I could feel them being finished. Others I let sit, knowing that with a little effort, I would have made them reality. Unfinished, unrealized because of that part of me that says "what if I fail?"
I heard the statement today :Same crap, different year" and it really hit me hard. I realized that the goals I have set for myself are not "failure" goals. They are not pre-destined to collapse some-where just short of the finish line. All of the elements for success are already in place. Certainly they will not happen on their own. They will need a little help on my part and perhaps, yes, a break or two. The right eyes to see what I have created. The avenues opened up so that I can get my works through to the person that needs to see them. But each and everyone of them have all the potential to be a success. It Doesn't Have to be the "same crap." It only has to be a New Year, a different Year. That is the only thing that I have no control over.
Novels waiting to be published and free-lancing that just needs a push out the door. people and places that are there, like fruit in a tree that is ripe and needs only to be harvested. People that are dear to my soul that can help me simply by their encouraging words are still in my life. They are still as near as a screen. No miles in between, no distance running to catch them. Just a simple, caring hand reached out to say "I am Still here. I have not left. I am going No-where except forward and I would love for you to come along."
Discipline... Causing myself, Making Myself set boundaries for where I spend my time and how wisely I make use of it. Knowing that it can only get away from me If I allow it too. Again, Knowing there are always variables to everything in life but understanding that fact and having alternatives ways of still accomplishing my goals. Easily done? No, not always for me. My mind simply doesn't always work on that even of a keel. Sometimes, life takes me away for a time and I need to readjust my mind set. But that doesn't mean that I can not still do what I have set out to do. Does it? Can I truly do what I believe today, this first day of a New Year, I can accomplish? Will life and things that have plagued me for more years than I care to count slip in unseen and take away the desire and the belief I have today in myself? Will it be another "bipolar" year for me? Does it have to be? Really????
{Sighs...} I guess it all depends on myself and those that I surround myself with. On the encouragement of those that matter to me. I think that without that very important element, it could be the "same crap with just a different Year's Date."