Wednesday, October 1, 2008

The measure of a Man...

Today was again one of THOSE days for me. There seems to be a lot of those lately. I sat and thought about the phrase "A good Man." I ran through my brain the "good" men I could think of in just a minute or two. Jesus of course came to mind first. The true personification of a good man. I thought of my father. A man that taught me right from wrong. Taught me how to fight and all the reasons a man shouldn't. He taught me about God and the spiritual side of God's word, things that would one day help to keep me here on this earth when I really didn't want to be. His love and discipline took me through many fires.
What made them "good men" in my eyes? They gave so much of them selves. They love unconditionally and never asked for anything back except to be loved and treated with respect. Their hearts true and honest. Their actions a lesson in being a good person. To be remembered by their loved ones and friends, every life they touch in this world. He has a strength that simply pours out of him. You can feel it and know it is there.My father still shows these qualities and has my love and respect.
And then I looked into that imaginary mirror that reflects our inner self back at us. Not a wanna be or how we wish we were. The true Us. I thought about what might make me a good man. I thought about the times my daughters or family have seen me in my bipolar state. I remembered them seeing me crying more times than perhaps a daughter should see their father crying. Where is the strength in that? I wonder. What do they see when they look at me? Do they see a man that they can come too and know he will be there. Do they look at me and see the strength that I have down inside. Or do they see what the world sees? A man with a disorder that prevents him from doing things that a "normal" as they call it, man would be able to do. To go in to a store without worrying if he was going to freak. To walk through a crowd, proudly holding his head I just because he is who he is.
Tears flow as I write this, wanting to be someone that will be remembered for the gift of smiles and love and warmth I have tried to give without expectations of anything in return except to be remembered. Wanting so badly to be remembered as a "good man." A man that stood up when he needed to and was a strength to all around him so they knew they could lean on him if they needed to. To trust him with their secrets and their sorrows.
Does this disorder rob me of being seen as the man i truly am inside? Does it mask the true man that loves with all that he is and gives the very best of himself so that others can know smiles or happiness? To be willing to be without or do without so that others can smiles. Willing to know the sadness of anyone he meets just so that another can know happiness. I really wonder what those that are around me see? Someone too weak to fight some of the battles that have come against me from time to time. Or do they see the man that stood by his wife through some very hard times? The man that loves them soooooooo much he sometimes can not contain it. A man that cries because he isn't afraid to show his warm tender side.
Do I measure up to being a good man? I wonder... I hope that I do.

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