Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Welcome to My World...

Because it is Tuesday. Because it is cold and quiet. Because it just is. Reasons why I am in a low. I fear sometimes that my readers may look at this and say "Whoa, no thanks." And yet, I write. I write about my day and about where this disorder sometimes takes me. I write about the things that come to my mind sometimes so damn fast that I can not capture one single thought without ripping the other thoughts to threads. I fear what is and am afraid of things that don't even probably exist outside of this Bipolar mind.
I hear family and friends saying "get over it", "Move on", stop being so dramatic." Their words not only echo in my brain... they cut me and make me feel as if I am less than they want me to be or more than they want to believe. Challenges like getting out of bed are softer than the tasks of getting Into bed. Fearing what I might wake up as or where my mind will be when I wake. Knowing that in my sleep, I have NO control over my thoughts nor how they might set the standard for where I am going the following morning. How do you tell someone you love that it isn't them... it isn't laying beside them that is an issue. It is ending the day that you have some control over and not knowing what the next day will bring.
Life is good and yet, I fear that I have not truly accomplished anything. Not fully. Always half done. A CD that is GOOD and yet 100'2 sit in my closet, unopened, unheard. 1/2 done because they are only fully done if they are successful. Two Novels that sales have gone down on. Neither seeing #1 best sellers lists and yet... they are good. 1/2 done. Not finished because finished would be huge sales. So many half things in my life and yet, I try so hard to make them the best that I Am.
Welcome to my world. A world of successes that aren't. A world of seeing things always out of proportion and abstract. A world that keeps me going and yet stops me at every corner. Welcome to my Bipolar Day. Today, I deal with it my way... Tomorrow???? Who knows?
The world of a bipolar runs in such intense motions. Whether it is up or down, the intensity is always the same. The roller coater ride is never ending and you just have to hold on tight and hope there is still a Track around the next bend. This, is my world...

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