Friday, February 5, 2010

Just my thoughts

Sitting here today, listening to music, knowing my low is settling on for the long haul. My mind travels in all directions as Elvis sings to me "And I Love you So." The words take me to a million years ago, it seems. To my first love and through out life, all the places I have been, the things I have done. Sometimes, when a person is down inside, they seek out those things that have brought joy and contentment to their lives. The past and present and sometimes if one dares to dream, the future. Remembering a time before the Bipolar and tourettes shoved the simple life aside and changed my world. Things that seemed so easy became nearly impossible to grasp. Anyone that is bipolar, depressed or simply feeling as if they are not connected to the world or anyone around them knows the feelings I write about here.
A heart that seeks so many things. To find acceptance for who he is. To find where it is he belongs in this crazy world. A place that everyone feels the same and so there is no need to say "Please don't judge me or tell me to "fix it." Seeking a chance to go back and do things right but knowing nothing done can be undone once time has gone by. To walk with out wondering how many eyes are watching you or if you have made some movement or twitched without realizing you did and someone saw it. Not wanting to have to explain it all. The need and desire to find a place that is hidden to slip into when I need too. Wanting to back time up a bit and reach out for something beautiful and hold on to it tightly. So tight that it is still with you when you reach the place you had just been.
I look around me and I see a "support team" that is so good and so understanding. I click or twitch and they simply go on about their business. I really should be quite content but my mind wont allow that. I have never forgotten one single incident in my life. The good and the bad.The thoughts have inter-acted with one another and gives to me a vast imagination to write. This once again is the world of a bipolar person. Abstract, confusion and fear that I have or will hurt someone and that tears me apart because it is NEVER EVER meant. I think there are many that know exactly where it is that I am right now. ..................


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