Saturday, June 14, 2008

Things I know about silence...

Silence... A word that is so multi-dimensional that it can bring with it everything from tears to smiles, from screams to an Abyss. There is a Silence that appears when your children leave home, even if just for college. But the word abyss didn't seem to have the full impact that I was and am experiencing right now. The "empty nest" syndrome is at times a silence we could all to without. A house so noisy with the sounds of screaming and laughing that it deafens you... suddenly in minutes, the silence can be more deafening than the sounds you were just hearing. Sounds that were likely often traced by your own scream of "Lets keep it down" or "inside voice!!" You find yourself wishing you could hear just one more scream or one more "Dad, she won't stop touching me!!!"
Today, an Abyss fell heavily over my home. Two little girls that I have watched and cared for, smiled and laughed with as well as cried with, left to go home with their mother. The house, empty of toys I have tripped over and books and papers strewn all over the tables, seems like that deep hole that is defined as an "Abyss." Oh, what a huge house it suddenly becomes again. Is that an echo I can hear in a room where they had art tables and a t.v. and DVD player?
Were they my kids? Did I help create them? No... but they were such a deep. fulfilling part of my life. they were my smiles and my frustrations in the morning. They have been my laughter and my tears for 2 years. And they have made me remember when my girls were little and when they were growing up. They have caused me to think about all the feelings that came with watching my two daughters go from toddler to teen to young ladies and even one to become a Mrs.
I won't take away from one single parent their heart felt Abyss for when their own children left home. I won't proclaim to know what they did or did not feel when their own "Abyss" came into their home. But I will say that this happening follows the blog I wrote about change. The write that said I did not do good with change and that the disorder causes the very tiniest change to be Gihugic. Words that for-saw and warned of an eminent Low that would sink me for a time.
It brings back to the surface thew blog about guilt and blame and reasons to deal with the blame in my own way. Blame taken on in the hugest form of the word that says that I have hurt another soul because this disorder leaves me unable to be who I need to be for some. The same disorder that caused me to move into a separate room, away from the woman I loved forever and ever because I could not be around people 24/7. A state of mind that takes me places most never want to go, even me. And yet... here I am today. A place described for you best in a poem I wrote for someone that wanted to know what a day in the life of someone with Bipolar Syndrome was really like. I close this blog today with that very poem. I will sit and I will ponder all that has happened. And I will once again question what purpose I serve here in this world.
An Abyss can be a deep hole in the ocean. Or... it can be a deep silence in your life...
-------------My poem---------
Even Angels Won't Go
To those that truly want to understand our day...

My mornings all start out the same everyday
I wake and I write down all the reasons I should stay
Still tired from the sleep that almost did not come
I write half asleep and I feel my fingers go numb
Confused as to whether I am happy or sad
wondering if the day will turn out good or bad
I think "damn I made it through another night"
but whether that's a good thing in my mind I will fight
this bipolar brain of mine is waking real slow
as I drift off to places even Angels won't go
The dark places I will go throughout my day
will help me decide if I go or I stay
You asked me to walk you through my day and so
I hope you will follow me where even angels won't go
I will struggle to do all the chores there are to do
perhaps they will be easier since along with me I have you
We will wash up the dishes from last night sup
and then I'll let you come with me and help me straighten up
We will run to the store but you'll have to watch me
sometimes around people I cease to even be
Instead I will become a scared and confused man
please be an angel and gently take my hand
Now listen Death black fairy as I whisper real low
quietly lead me from this darkness where even angels wont go
We will laugh just a little and smile now and then
but somewhere in my day the darkness will come again
If you will be patient with me and treat me with tenderness
I will give you the best of me because I never give less
Then this evening we will watch a little T.V.
and I'll play my guitar and maybe you will see
I'm am an author and poet and a songwriter too
After dinner I will write a love song for you
Now it's past midnight and I think it's time that I show
the place that I've talked about where even angels won't go
Look at the little boy so very sad and afraid
who remembers the wrong done to him as if only yesterday
The babysitter scared him first then crawled into his bed and lied
saying if he touched her and made her smile the monsters would all die
She reached down and did things that at seven he did not know
They didn't come to save him so it must be where angels won't go
Can you see the things she is doing to him and teaching him to do to her
tell me Death black fairy if you can also feel his hurt
Finally softly I begin to slip off into a restless sleep
hoping for awhile you will care enough to stay right here with me
You wanted to walk with me and experience my day and now you know
why I battle with myself daily to not go where even angels won't go...


Magdalen Islands said...

Your poem is well written, Darrel but I'm left speechless. Loads of hugs and a ton of smiles may help a bit, for a short while anyway.

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