Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Getting over Versus Moving on...

Getting over versus Moving on? Are they the same? I have pondered this for some time now. Today, 3 years and 17 days after Sheila went to heaven, I still find myself going to a secret place and crying for her. I still see things that personified her and my heart aches. I look around and see how life has gone on for me. Not in a bad way either. I am surrounded by those that love me and care for me. Family has been supportive to the points they felt they could be. I am not alone and enjoy life as much as my body will allow me too.
The question beats at My head and heart and it asks me... have I gotten over her death or have I simply moved on? Everyone has ways of mourning and ways of saying "see you later in heaven" to their loved one that has gone on before them. I don't think there is a right or wrong way to deal as long as it is respectful. I do not believe that there is a time limit, a determined length of time mourning when suddenly someone says "hey, your time is up and now you are bordering on the not so normal." I do know there are people who DO believe there is a time frame. A point when you now need to "seek counseling." I think about that too, just like others.
After over 3 years, is it normal for a spouse to still cry in the night for his lost love? Have they crossed some imaginary line now and need to be done with mourning? Have they been given enough time to sort out the "God, I should have said...", "Oh I wish I would have done ...", "God, did she know how much I truly did love her?" Should a man still shudder inside at the thought of some of her things NOT being on the walls or on cabinet shelves? So many questions and really, no answers.
But then I look at myself and see my heart opened up and accepting love from someone other than her. I feel my heart loving and giving of myself and I wonder what it means. And it scares me. Am I moving on or am I getting over her? To move on I think is a journey in life we must do. If not, we will simply shrivel up and die, if not physically, mentally and emotionally for certain. But have we truly "moved on" if we are not "over" the loss? Would we still cry our hearts out at the memory of our loved one if we have gone forward?
Yesterday, a meadowlark flew directly in front of my vehicle. The meadowlark was her favorite bird and it's cry as I drove down the road would always make me say aloud, "Hi baby." I saw the bird, heard it's cry and then, I cried. I said to myself "Why did you go away? Did I do something to make you feel it was o.k. to go when you did? Did I love you enough, tell you enough, SHOW you with all that I was that I still was so very In Love with you?"
Those that feel I was no longer In Love with her because i had lost my way and broke down, I guess that is for them to sort out. I would go further insane if i tried any longer to convince those that do not believe that my Love for her never diminished. SO I will no longer try. Words that echo in my mind, actions that spoke louder than any words validate my love for her. Hearing her say to me each day, "hey good lookin'" or the kiss we shared each night before bed and each morning as we woke speaks volume to my ears and my heart. When I close my eyes, I still feel the warmth of her tiny hands on my face. When I am walking alone, I still hear her laughter and remember what a beautiful love we shared. A love rare and enchanting, though not always a fairytale.
Getting over or moving on??? I think that to get over is the same as "forgetting." To move on, you can bring with you some of the yester-years and gently fold them into your today's and tomorrows. Mix them tenderly so that they meld in like melting chocolate, smooth and delicious. Your life with that beautiful someone that has left you with a legacy of memories and the smiles and trials and new memories you will add every day for the rest of your life. That is I think how it was meant to be. That is how I believe life "moves on." A love that had no beginning because it simply always was and the love that has no ending, not until you are one again in Heaven.
I wonder what the world thinks of me. I ponder these things and look for answers...
Always I am .......... Darrel


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