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Is there Life after A Death...

Strange that I would write a novel about a soul that wanders the world not yet rested. A lady that was filled with love and yet in one sad moment, she took her own life. All she wanted to do was love and be loved. But the novel doesn't simply rest on Christines ability to find peace. Achieving that goal involves new people, new loves but also... the ones left behind.
Life after death. Not what you think here at all. I am not going to debate one of the most ancient of old questions. That is for someone elses blog. I am talking about "life" in the "living" mode after a loved one {mainly a spouse}has gone to heaven. What happens to the one that is left behind? What is their life to be now? I think for some, they simply move on with their lives. Some take time to go away and reflect for a time before beginning they return to life normal, what-ever that may be. And then... there are those of us that sit in limbo, like Christine, wondering what their purpose now is in life.
This I believe is especially true for those that were care-givers. I remember when Sheila first could walk again after so long of needing me to help her. I was devistated. I suddenly wondered what my purpose was. For so long I was her stand up, lift up, lay down, lift her legs into her bed, tucked her in guy. Now... what was it I was supposed to do? It took time to go back to the "normal" everyday life. I had to redefine my purpose all over again. I adjusted just in time for her to go back into the hospital and come out in a wheelchair and needing again. We did this more times than I care to say but each time I had to start over. But at least I knew what was expected of me when we did need to readjust.
And then one day... she was gone forever here on earth. All I had done for 24 years, everything I knew about how we lived and how we sgheduled her illness around our life, was gone. I wasn't going to get up in the night to take her to the bathroom. I wasn't going to readjust her pillow or turn her just so and try to make her as comfortable as possible. I wasn't going to lift her into the van or kiss her good morning or kiss her goodnight anymore, except in my dreams. My world had changed in a most terrible way. The only thing that was still very familiar was the endless flow of tears.
BOOM!!!!! Jump ahead now to present day, two years and a month later with me. Still the sorrow, the unbeleviable pain and loss that still holds me in its grip. The tears still flow and the dreams are never ending. There is Love after the loss but at what cost. The fear that I may forget Sheila if I give my love to another. Yet the love is there and the want is there. The desire to give everything I am to another, does that nullify my place with her in heaven? DO I lose the right to hold her in heaven?
And my new love. What of her? Will she live with a man that has not let go of his past? Will she ask me if I love only her? The heart wants to love again but the mind is still afraid. Afraid that I might love again and then face again the horrible, soul torchering feeling of loss that I felt when Sheila went to heaven. I can proclaim my love but only in words. When I say I love you, am I lessening my love for My Sheila? How much of me is there to give? Will it be enough to cause my new love to stay or will the Ghost, the very essence of My Sheila cause her to one day say, "enough?"
I walk around in a daze often, unsure of what it is my purpose really is. I strive to find new purpose, a new reason to get out of bed each day. I got up each day because Sheila loved me and needed me. I knew every single day what it was I was going to do and whom it was going to be with.
Is there life after the death of a spouse you loved with all you were? Yes, I truly believe there is. Some times it takes a little time and patience and the right love to bring it out. But be encouraged, there is "life" after the death of a deeply loved partner. It just has to be found in it's season and in it's time. I will write more on this as I do have more thoughts.

Things I know about being alone in a crowd!

You sit there in a room filled with people. These are friends, family, people you have known forever, it seems. They talk and you talk and conversations go by one right after another...some even overlapping one another. And yet, you are not there with them, not really. Your mind is somewhere else, far away and departed from this crowd. You wonder if it is truly possible to feel This alone with so many people standing 3 feet away from you. Can you really feel this terribly removed and disconnected when all of these people love you? Are the tears you feel welling up behind your eyes going to burst forth uncontrolably, causing the need to explain what you have no idea how to explain?
The answer to these questions is Yes! I sit and listen to everyone around me. It is Christmas, Easter, maybe just a family gathering. But I am not there with them. Perhaps physically but for certain not mentally. Tears escape my eyes and I try to dry them as quickly as I can to avoid detection. Someone, in a voice that seems a million miles away says "Where are you tonight?" "I am right here" I answer and add a stupid, over-exagerated smile to my answer. Too much going on and they are drawn into another conversation. They are content with your answer for now. Too much going on all around not to be. "I" am thankful for the business around me.
All I want to do is hold her once more. All I want to hear is her voice in this crowd of loved ones saying "Hey good looking, I love you." Longing for the touch of her soft hand on my arm, as she always did to comfort me or say silently she loved being here with me. Closing my eyes for a moment, hoping for a private moment with her just one more time.
"Do you know how much I loved you... love you even today? Did I tell you enough? Do you forgive me for the person I couldn't always be for you? Is there a way I can wash away this guilt and sorrow that may one day swallow me up and cause me to disappear? Can you say something aloud to me, Please, because God forgive me, I can't remember what you sound like anymore My Love."
"HELLO!!!!!!! Did you hear me, Uncle D? Do you want more coffee?" Where on earth did they all come from? I thought it was just me and my tears sitting here. They are all so good to try and keep my mind focused. But I am not here, not really here at all. I am a million "I am so sorries" away. More tears, even as I write they flow down my cheek. A hundred back-spaces to correct my spelling and a laugh out-loud as I respell again. "My God... you an author!? Thank God for editing."
Can you be truly alone in a crowd? Oh yes, my friends, you can. More alone than you might possibly imagine. And alone gives way to thinking. Thinking gives way to memories and memories make an entry way to tears. Tears... {sighs} to................................ D.

Things I know about Giving and Sacrifice...

I woke this morning and on the radio was a man talking about losing his spouse. As I listened to him, I found myself questioning his choice of words. In one sentence, he used two words as if they had the same meaning. As I pondered his words, I felt compelled to write.
"I can suffer less because I know the sacrifices I made were for her. I freely gave all I had to give her and did not mind."
That statement truly bothered me. The two words did not have the same meaning to me. They were NOT allowed to be in the same sentence. I thought about My Sheila and the life we lived. Never in all of our time together did I ever feel I had sacrificed anything. The meaning of sacrifice being basically the surrendering of anything for the sake of something else or to a claim it more pressing or important. This man was saying how he had wanted to go on to Art school but he was willing to sacrifice his wants for his wife. So he was saying he gave up something he really wanted because of her. Well, I say did he "give" it or "sacrifice" it? There is a difference to me.
When Sheila was so sick for so long, there were things that we had to do differently to adapt her illness to our lives. Notice I did Not say to adapt our lives to her illness. That was something we never did. If there was something we could not do, it was not sacrificed! It was simply replaced by whatever we had seen as more urgent or important. To call it a sacrifice would to me demean what had been done. I would hear people say "Oh he sacrificed so much time to be at her side." "He loves to fish but he is at the hospital with her every minute he is off." I wasn't sacrificing one damn thing! I was giving to her love and caring in the same manner that she gave to me always.
Sacrifice means losing something that you wanted MORE than what you took or did it it's stead. Abraham "sacrificed" a ram instead of his son Isaac. Baseball players "sacrifice" a player to get another home for a score. The tears I cried every time she hurt, the love and understanding I "gave" to her when she was so ill, were exactly that. They were given freely of my choice and would have been given freely for another 1000 years if God had allowed her to stay. I sacrificed nothing and received in return blessings uncountable. She was a Gift that was "given" to me by heaven.
"I will try and pick up where I left off before she was sick. A sacrifice I was willing to give her. I doubt I can ever recover the years and that's ok." His words just caused me to shake my head and want to scream out "Wake up! Pick one or the other because you can not have both." Doesn't that very statement sound like regret? Doesn't it sound like he feels he gave up so much for her? What a hero.
I will one day leave this world as we all do. I will not ever look back and feel slighted or cheated or as if I have ever "sacrificed" anything in this life. I have been more blessed than any one man ever deserved. And I would so quickly give all I am for another forever to Sheila if she were not in heaven.
So Mark Glennel... think about how your wife feels if she is listening to you in heaven today. You just told her this morning that "You" "sacrificed" so much for her. I hope you at least Made her feel like it was willingly "given."

A Bookstore For Everyone...

If you are looking for a great bookstore that has any book you are looking for...This is the one you want to go to. A store that will give you what you are looking for. The navigation of this site is so easy. They have books in every genre and finding the one you want is as easy as typing in the title or authors name. It is that simple.
For bookstores, this is where you want to be. While you are there, check out My favorites... Abduction and Until Death Do We Meet. I think you will enjoy them.

more about long term use of some medications.

I know I can not possibly list every drug that has harmful side effects both before and after long term use. I will try when I write to touch on those that I have had personal experiences from. Please understand that I am in no way trying to tell you to stop taking ANY medications you are on. That is for you and your doctor to discuss. I am trying to give you some insight that perhaps you don't know or have forgotten you were told by a pharmacist or medical provider.
I remember that last night as if it is happening as I write. My Sheila was so ill and in so much pain. But after 24 years of seeing her recover from things NO ONE seemed to recover from, I had no thoughts that when I kissed her as she went into surgery, that it would be the second to the last kiss we would have. The last was when she went to heaven 4 hours later. I had been told for 20 years that it would not be the disease that took her from me. It would be the effects of the long term use of the medications she so needed to live. Seems to me so much an Oxy-moron to say the meds she needed to live would also eventually take her life. Steriods such as Medrol and Prednizone, which kept her disease in check more times than any had very harsh long term effects. When I asked the surgeon why he couldn't save her... Told him he had to save her or i would be lost forever, he explained this to me. The medications she had been on for so many years had finally destroyed the lining of her intestines. They had perforated and left her system septic with poisons. There was nothing left to do but be with her until she went to heaven that night.
Yes, she needed them to live... but they in the end took her from me. This is why I say "Do NOT just stop taking something you are on because of what you read here. But if you have new knowledge then talk with your doctor. That is what he is there for.
Another I know of and walked through very recently was Zocor, a statin used to control cholestrol and tryclicerides. The name is only one of many statins used today. Lipitor, Crestor and Lescol are some others used very heavily today. You are told when you start them that they may cause muscle cramps, abodominal pain, headache, nausea, vomiting, constipation, diarrhea, headache, rash, and weakness. These are all very real side effects and caused me NOT to be able to take statins for my Cholestrol control.
One side effect that is rarely mentioned but hit close to home is Rhabdomyolysis. This disease is very real and less than a year ago almost cost my father his life. His muscles were weakening and he was urinating less and less all the time. The family finally told him he really needed to see his doctor. By the time he was being seen, his kidneys had shut down. he was sent to CCU and measures were taken to try and reactivate his kidneys. Through God, Prayer and some very knowledgeble doctors at the Mercy Medical Center in Mason City, Iowa my father regained the use of his kidneys. He was hospitalized for almost a month and yes, we nearly lost him. The long term effects from a medication meant to extend his life was nearly the death of him. Very few of the millions of people that are on statins truly know the depth of the effects these meds can have on their body.
I will include a site that might help other people on meds for depression or being bipolar. I hope that my writings will help awaken the world to things they are taking into their bodies and the effects they "may" have on them.

Again, I want to say that if you feel you are having new pains or aches, see your doctor. He can help you through this issue or issues. Remember, there is no question that can not be asked of your physician. You deserve and have the "right' to know.

My first Award... What a treasured gift.

This award was given to me by Wynn and is so very special to me. Things such as this Award give to me the courage to continue writing about the things I know about in life. It is one I will keep with me forever. Thank you from my heart for this award, Wynn. Always, Darrel

Things I know about long term effects of medication...

I have spoken so often of My Sheila and things I learned from being with her. One doesn't love and walk with a chronically ill loved one and not see the effects of the medications in different ways and places. It is a phrase that becomes second nature to watch for and to ask about when careing for that loved one. Have you ever sat in front of the television and found yourself shaking your head at a commercial for any number of medications being advertised? Shaking your head and maybe even saying aloud "Oh yeaaaa, I want to take that one! All I have to worry about is stomach aches, cramping, feelings of bloating or nausea, muscle discomfort or blurred vision." they end it with "some side-effects may include depression or increased thoughts of suicide. See your doctor if you experience any of these symptoms." Oh... you think?????
I have admittedly, found myself laughing at some of the incredibly long lists of side effects to some medications. The problem is... it really isn't funny at all. There are medications, and Not just prescription meds, that can cause very serious long term health issues and even death. Many of them are pills taken each and every day by millions of people and the ones taking them don't even have a clue.
I am going to spend a blog or two on just this subject because I think it is something that is important enough to warrant the space and time. It might even save a life. What I tell you here is not something I worry about being chastised for as it is medically known. It is the fact that it isn't always "commonly" know. If I were selling a product and I didn't want to scare my customer away, I might not write the bad things in Bold lettering either. And when was the last time you read that 3 page info sheet that comes with your meds? Yea, me either for a long time.
Coming from a family of medical issues, medications have been a part of our world for a long time. What my father did not pass on to my siblings and I, mother filled in with. What I did not give to my daughters, Sheila gave to them. We pass along so much of our medical history to our children and they too will follow suit. High cholestrol, high blood preasure and muscle cramps or headaches such as migraines are a part of our make-up and sometimes daily issues. We have often said if a local pharmacy runs low on a med, they call us for refills. We smile but do know in fact it isn't a joke. We do take it seriously, as should you.
I will talk about one now that you may or may not know about. This information however could save your life. The leading seller in over the counter pain relievers is silently killing people and they don't even know it. Acetaminophen is used world wide. People sometimes take far beyond the "normal" or "recommended" dosage of this pain reliever, most often in the form of Tylenol. This medicine is known by the producers of the medicine to cause not only long term health issues with your organs, especially the Liver, but few know this fact.
My liver profile was abnormal and caused my Doctor to question why. What pill was I on to cause this was a huge concern. None that we could find right away. The only thing I could offer for help was the fact that I was taking in the upwards of 10,000 to 15,000 mgs of this medicine a day for cramps and in general pain. Suddenly it became very clear where the issues I was having were coming from. The side effects from taking so many Tylenol was that it was destroying my Liver. Silently and for certain, this "over the counter" pain reliever was killing me. According to Earl L. Mindell and his studies, Acetaminophen is a leader in liver failure. The end results of this side effect can be death. I backed off on my use of the Tylenol and began taking it as prescribed, in Normal doses and my Liver profile went back to normal. That is a huge plus to me. I am doing better and feeling good about disclosing what may be unknown information to you. this is only one such medication that carries with it a very high price for long term usage of it.
I will post this and write more in just a bit. I hope that I have helped someone get a little bit wiser today. Darrel

Another beautiful site that will touch your hearts... Angels are everywhere.

Here, for your smiles and warmth is a site that is filled with love, inspiration and the knowledge that Angels walk beside and among us each and every day. She will inspire you with her stories and thrill you with her gift of love. I am a forever fan of this lady. Please stop in and say hello. You will walk away feeling lighter and smiling. Darrel

A few reviews from readers of my novels...

Here are just a few reviews that came in for my two novels. I love seeing them as they encourage me to keep writing. Thanks to all who have read my novels and a special thanks for the reviews.The first reviews are for Abduction.
Customer Reviews
Number of Reviews: 8
Average Rating: 5 stars

Lindi
Linda, A reviewer, 01/16/2008

I have to say once I picked up this book I couldn't put it down. I read this in 2 days and can't wait for the next one. It has you in suspense from beginning to end. When I pick up a book and lose interest in it at the beginning I just never finish reading, this book however has you locked in from the beginning. The way it was written was excellent , going from one place to another. I believe that's what keeps you reading. An excellent book that I would recommend highly to those who love suspense.

Also recommended: I have also read Until Death Do We Meet which is another excellent book. Another book that I couldn't put down and would recommend.

Absolutely fantastic!
Janice Brodie, a retired nurse and author of poems, 05/05/2006

I'm reading Abduction by D. R. Day and it is so good, I can't put it down, I just started it and am already half-way through! A must read if you like mysteries, and I love them! Buy it, you'll be so glad you did!

Also recommended: I also enjoyed Till Death Do We Meet by D R Day, it's just simply awesome! I read it in just a few days, and it keeps you on the edge all the way thru it!

Abduction is a must-read!
Kelsi Galley (kelsijewel@yahoo.com), a crime novel enthusiast!, 10/23/2005

This is one of the better books that I have read in quite sometime! It was full of raw emotion and some really distrubing details! I LOVED IT! This author is truly gifted, I just couldn't stop reading it! Watch out for DR Day! He is going to be one of the greats and I don't say that lightly!

Very Well Written Book
A reviewer (bigapeslilmonkey18@yahoo.com), A reviewer, 09/19/2005

This book was very well written. It explains very well in detail and it also makes you want to keep reading and not put the book down.

Journey with a madman...
Denise Misencik, an author; www.booksbydenise.com, 05/29/2005

The helpless fear known to those who've had a child missing can only be made worse by one thing: when physical evidence of that child's torture is delivered to you. That's the horror that Police Chief Johnathon Campbell is dealing with. This thrilling page-turner takes you on a journey through hell with crystal clear descriptions that leave no doubt as to the madness of evil. I was as much a prisoner to this book as the young abductees in the story. Great read!


captivating reading
Michelle (moonliteyes_78@yahoo.com), an avid reader, 02/02/2005

what an outstanding novel .i read it from cover to cover , it was too hard to put it down ,dramatic and suspenseful understates the story and oh i hated for it to end ....hurry with the sequel mr Day

Awesome Book
Sheila, A reviewer, 12/21/2004

D. R. Day wrote an awesome book. It is a book that I would re-read. The characters come to life right before your eyes. I will be looking forward to reading more books.

Also recommended: James Patterson's Violets are Blue.

Your worst fears..., May 29, 2005
By Denise Misencik "Author - Bound by Honor" (Burlington, WA USA) - See all my reviews

The helpless fear known to those who've had a child missing can only be made worse by one thing: when physical evidence of that child's torture is delivered to you. That's the horror that Police Chief Johnathon Campbell is dealing with. This thrilling page-turner takes you on a journey through hell with crystal clear descriptions that leave no doubt as to the madness of evil. I was as much a prisoner to this book as the young abductees in the story. Great read! Comment | Permalink | Was this review helpful to you? (Report this)

Very Mysterious and Action Packed, January 16, 2005
By Orion - See all my reviews

The first 3 chapters of this book has everything great suspense and mystery a lot of emotion a loving father trying to find his daughter and blaming the boy that loves her for her kidnapping it has a lot of mystery in it as well the mystery woman that kidnapped his daughter has yet to be revealed this is a great book I suggest anyone looking for a great mystery/drama should check it out Comment | Permalink | Was this review helpful to you? (Report this)




Great book, April 6, 2006
By Shelly R. Wilson "Shelly R. Wilson" (Mertens, Texas) - See all my reviews

This is a very good book. It is full of suspence and kept me on my toes. I didn't want to put the book down. It was about a stubborn cop father and daughter. Because of his inability to let his daughter choose her destiny, they got into a big mess. I won't tell what happens. You'll have to buy the book to find out. It's worth it. Shelly Wilson author of What's Wrong with MY Child? Struggling with Sensory Integration Dysfunction. Mr. Day is going places!!! Good Luck!


The reviews for Until Death Do We Meet...

Customer Reviews
Number of Reviews:
Average Rating: 5 stars
Write a Review

intriguing
Mary Monaco, A reviewer, 06/08/2006

wonderfully written novel and not at all what you might think it would be like.Not your average love story as there is quite a bit of drama and mystery involved as well.sure hated to see it end

Also recommended: i also enjoyed 'Abduction' by this autor who is listed as D.R.Day on this novel

Must Read
Heather (mama_bear50627@yahoo.com), A reviewer, 04/06/2006

I gave this a 5 star review because I believe that it is a must read and that it was very well written. Things were very well in order and some scenes showed a lot of passion and respect for the living and the ghosts. I believe that this book receives a 5 star rating. the way it was written and is read you could easily put it to a real life situation in a lot of occasions. I do recommend this book along with Abduction.

Also recommended: Abduction also written by D. R. Day

Continueing from Guilt and Regrets...

I spoke of the Guilt that I felt over so many things with Sheila. The inability to watch her hurt as I had for so many years. The needing a place to be where I was able to feel disconnected from all that made me feel guilty. And through it all i learned that a "doorway" or a wall was not ever going to keep those feelings away. My love for her was simply too strong and yet, there I was. The guilt, the hatred of the man I had become and the feelings of unworthiness had taken over where strength had once stood.
And were there regrets in all of this? I might say Are in place of were for that question. My answer of course would be Yes! I have heard something said to me by a million people, including Sheila's Doctor, who happens to be my doctor also. "You gave her 29 more years than the doctors gave her just by loving her." "You made her life more enriched and gave her reason to live and endure all the pain just because you loved her they way you did." "Without you, she would have been in a home or worse." All of these words mean very little when you are Me. Yes, I stayed beside her for 60 days without going home when she was in a coma. Yes, I never once let her feel as if she were too much for me. And YES!!!!!, we lived the life of adventurers and saw the world while living. Ours was a love for all times... the fairytale love that would'nt fade when the last star went out. but did it all pale in the light of where I went?
My regrets were never the life we lived. Regret is defined as a sense of loss, disappointment, dissatisfaction. It is a feeling of sorrow or remorse for a fault or an act one has done. And the strongest definition of Regret is this: {A sense of loss and longing for someone or something gone. A feeling of disappointment or distress about something that one wishes could be different.}
When the Bipolar really took hold of me, though it had been there for a very long, long time, I did things that I can NOT ever now take back. To me, guilt becomes Regret when the things you feel guilty for can no longer be fixed or changed. When My Sheila went to heaven... the chance to make things better, to make a very worng a right again was no longer within my grasp. I could not turn to her anymore and say "I am sorry, My Love." I would never be able to celebrate our 25th anniversary, only 6 months away from the day she went to heaven, the way I had planned in my silly little bipolar mind. I could not LOOK at her and touch her face and say "I love you more than I love life itself."
I told her weeks before she went to heaven, not ever believing she would leave me, that I was still In Love with her. I told her that no matter where I was or what I had done, I was still her man and she would always be my girl. She told me her love was for me only for ever. Oh how I cried that night when i got back to my side of the duplex. I wanted to be all I had failed to be for her. I wanted to never let her think for a moment that my love for her wasn't everything it had always been. But I could not now. I CAN not now! Yesss, I know... She knows. I hear that each and every day too. But it isn't the same.
I regret having needed to live alone as such. I regret not reuniting and living in one single dwelling as man and wife as we had for 20+ years. I regret, as the definition says, that things could not have been made different before she went to heaven. I live with this each and every single minute of my life. How I want to reach out and pull her from heaven... to hold her and tell her how MUCH I miss her and love her. How I am sorry for breaking her heart and hurting her because i was too weak to stand tall sometimes.People looked at us and said "He is such a good man. He is so strong for her and stands by her always. He is such an angel."
They just have to turn it around. She was MY strength, She was the strong one and SHE was such a good woman. She was everything the world thought I was. She was and still remains My Angel. And I REGRET that I can not change what I did now because regret comes in it's strongest form AFTER it is Too late to make a wrong... a right.
And the tears I cried while I wrote this for you, the tears I cry at night for what I can not forgive myself for, perhaps make me just a little bit more worthy...

Things I know about Guilt and Regret...

As I sit here this morning, the sun barely showing itself, thoughts flood my mind. The words Guilt and Regret slammed into my head and I wonder how different they really are. Guilt is defined in brief as "state in which one experiences conflict at having done something that one believes one should not have done (or conversely, having not done something one believes one should have done)." Regret has the meaning of "a feeling of sorrow or remorse for a fault, act, loss or disappointment." It is also a sense of dissatisfaction.
It appears to me that the two words are very much alike and yet when applied to life, they are not so similar. I take you to a lifetime of love and care-giving. A story you have read about before and yet, no matter what I tell you, there always seems to be more to say. It is perhaps impossible to write 24 years of love and life and sickness in a few blogs. Memories that span what was to be forever don't fit so neatly in a write or two. Thoughts that aren't as far away as one would think the years would have made them.
Guilt at doing or not doing something is where my mind often goes these days. Words that may cause the reader to suddenly see me in a different light. If I am anything in my writes and the who I am here, I am honest to perhaps a fault. What I write are not excuses in any way. They are reasons for things that happened. I remember walking into the hospital room where Sheila laid and seeing doctors cutting on her neck. They were doing what I had not yet been educated in yet. No longer able to draw blood as they needed it, they were doing a "cut-down." I freaked and ran in to pull them off of Sheila, only to be pulled outside by orderlies and have the procedure explained to me. Someone was to have stopped me before I entered and failed. Then began the side effects to all the meds she had been on for so long. More cut-downs and infections of the skin that needed lanced and packed. All terribly painful and all so needed for her to live. Watching her as I held her hand, doctors cutting over and over. And then one day it happened... I turned away in tears. No longer able to watch her in pain, I simply lost connection with life. I cried at the thought of taking her in each time this had to be done. More times truly than I care to count for you.
The guilt that riddled my soul because I was no longer the Anchor that she could hold too as I had been for 10 years. Guilt that tore at me and made me feel less and less worthy of this woman's love and trust. A man that now feared seeing the woman he loved being hurt, even if it meant she would live. What man prayed to God to "no longer allow his love to hurt" no matter what the cost? The "adenosine" used to slow her heart when it raced over 200 was just another treatment used to save her life. Injected slowly, it stopped the heart for seconds at a time and then the heart restart in it's normal rhythm. Holding her hand and my breath as I watched her flat line for 6 to 12 seconds was so frightening. She had this procedure done over 50 times before they decided to do a "heart ablation." It worked for 2 weeks and then we were back to where we had been before the operation. Again, guilt because I had such a hard time seeing all of this happen. Where there should have been strength, there were tears. And I live with that guilt even today.
So much had happened that we found a duplex and lived side by side. The doorway connected us always but I found my mind needed to feel as if I were separated from the pain she was in sometimes. I never left her side through 24 years but I did move into my own side. Bipolar crept in and though we bonded more and more with each medical crisis, I felt and feel always that I let My love down. I let God down, who entrusted her life to me. The guilt that comes with it all is something few could understand and fewer will ever know. I pray one day that no one ever have the reason to feel it.
Regret??? How is it the same? How is it different from guilt? I will tell you that in my next write. We were blessed with 24 years of love and cherished memories. But none of it came without some guilt or regrets.

things I know about "white Lies."

White Lies... we tell them weekly, if not daily. There are so many kinds of lies. Some are terrible and used to get us out of trouble. Others are used as a form of covering for a wrong or to avoid chastising.But the one on my mind this morning is the "white lies" as they are known. We tell the for various reasons. We tell our children all about Santa and the Easter Bunny. These are fun things that give our children dreams and excitement. We tell our friends how nice they look or that they don't look so heavy to spare hurting them. We can justify a white lie in almost any situation.
When does a white lie become something more? Is it when we have to add another "white lie" to cover for the first one? Is it when someone finds out we told the lie in the first place? I sit and wonder sometimes. Can't white lies be just another word for deceived? And if it is "justified", will it be considered just a little white lie when we pass on what we did to another friend?
I think about when My Sheila was so sick. Often the doctors would wait until i was in the hallway and they would talk to me there. They would smile and tell Sheila she was doing better and then tell me she was failing. A white lie to save scaring the patient, easily justified by not only the doctor, but by me. But sooner or later, she would need to be told where she really was in her healing. She would then ask how long I knew. Another lie to now save my own butt from being on the line? When would this one end and how many more "white lies" would need to be told?
I think there does come a place where we can become comfortable with telling the "little" white lies. Perhaps even too comfortable. "Do I look fat in this dress?" "Can you tell I am wearing cover-up make-up?" "Hey, what do you think of the pictures my daughter drew me?" The list can go on forever and anyone of those questions answered in any other way than a white lie will probably NOT have a good outcome for the person being asked.
Again I go back to Sheila... her last few hours here on earth. How do you tell the woman you love with all you are that she is not going to be with you come morning? How do you say the words "You are dying, my Love." Does heaven close it's eyes just long enough... does it cover it's ears to give you time to tell her she looks wonderful? I wonder.
I could not look into her eyes and say any of those words. I could not speak them and could barely breathe while thinking about what to say. I stood at her bedside and told her she was just getting sleepy from the meds. I told her she was going to sleep for a while. I wonder now, two years later if all the times I told her she was fine, all the "white lies" I told her so she wouldn't be scared, were in fact justifiable. Why, when just simply saying "You are doing so good" will give hope to someone that thinks there is none, would I say anything but that?
What I know about "little white lies" is this. Wrong or right, and I am sure they lean on the "wrong" side, they are used with all the very best of heart and meant to ease ones suffering or fears. I will take it up with My lord in heaven when the times comes. I think that all is known and that compassion will side with me.

Things I know about "festering"...

Festering/fester... this word has so many meanings. The definition you use depends on where it is applied. Fester can be talking about wounds or a feeling inside that builds up from a thought to anger or hatred. The wound can be a cut or blister that worsens. It can also be a "wound" that is inflicted on the heart and soul.It can come as easily from friends and family as it can from your enemies. The ones that come from loved ones are for certain the ones that cut the deepest. Many times we don't speak our thoughts at the time of the hurt. We imagine that it will simply go away on it's own. But many times it does not go away. It gets tucked down inside of us somewhere and that is where it "Festers." If allowed to remain and get worse it can leave a hole where it laid.
The only way to stop the "festering" from getting worse is to face it up front and personal. Do I have issues that have festered inside of me? Certainly. I would be lieing if I said I did not.It is easy to sit and write the things you need to do to get past the festering inside. There are many support groups that are very good. They can help you through some of the issues that caused the problem. They can help you to find a way to rid yourself of things in your life that truly do not want to hold on to any longer.
Why do I write this today? Because writing is my way of dealing with issues of my heart. Today I went into a local store. As I approached the counter to pay for my drink, my eyes fixated on a tin can. A simple tin can that took me totally by surprise. As I read the outside, I saw it was for a local woman that had been diagnosed with cancer. Now please, don't think me heartless. On the contrary, my heart immediately went out to her family. No one knows better than I do the financial burdens that a or terminal illness can cause to a family. It can be so damaging to anyone. So here I am staring at this can and feeling the tears run down my face in the middle of the store. The clerk had no idea when he said to me, "Yea, it is sad, isn't it? What a terrible situation to be in." I just stood there, still staring.
Twenty some odd years ago, Sheila got sick. So sick she spent more than I want to count right now, nights and months in the hospital. If you have read my blogs, you know the story by now. So where does the festering come in? The can was for donations to try and help this woman's family handle the financial burdens that were already becoming a reality. They needed money to help them with prescriptions and other needs at home. I thought back to all that Sheila's illness brought to us. Never do I nor would I look back and be upset for what happened. Our life was a beautiful one and we learned more about the strength of true love and all it could endure.
In all of that love and all of that learning, there was still undeniably bills that seemed almost not possible. Sheila went through a 1 million dollar policy and then a 350,000 dollar policy. She finally reached a place where she was of course no longer insurable. I have my thoughts on that too but they are for another time. I know there are more people than I can count that have been here and done this. Hospitals calling to say they wanted their money. The 50,000, the 300,000, even the 500,000 thousand dollar they received weren't quite enough. They need that left over 2 or 3 thousand that was ours to pay. I can boldly say that only one hospital over all the years and all the hospitals we were in, and they are many... ever took a moment and cared and said "It appears the balance has been zeroed out. Good luck with your wife, and God Bless." That was the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minnesota. They were wonderful to us and I will forever be grateful to them.
Many times in our life, we struggled just to feed our daughters. We never allowed it to take us down though and I worked good paying jobs that helped us. But still we lost a lot of things trying to keep up with payments. We never gave up and managed to buy a beautiful home and live a very nice life in the country. It took perseverance and a "never say quit" mind set to do these things. Many times in our life we could have used a "can". Many times we looked for help but were unwilling to place a can on a counter. Yes, our life was beautiful and I will never Know a love such as ours again. But to say that we weren't beat down by the financial burdens would simply be a lie.
And I realized as I cried at that counter that "festering" inside of me was an hurt and sorrow because there were things I never gave to my love because hospitals and doctors needed to build a new wing or higher another vice-administrator. I think without the kindness of Mayo and a kind man, we might have never seen the things she and I shared with our daughters. Today, I live a simple life. My wife has since gone to heaven, March 8Th, 2006. Not so long ago, trust me. I wonder what a little thing like a "can" on a counter, collecting for us might have done for our lives.
I don't want this festering anymore. We lived a good life and I knew love beyond what any man deserves to know. And life goes on and we survive somehow. God, family, perseverance. Sheila's saying..."Quitting is never ever an option!"
I placed a 5 dollar bill in the "can" and said a silent prayer for the family.