CuteWriting... Don't Miss It.

Once in awhile, you run across a blog site that just makes you stop and say WOW!!! You start out thinking maybe you will look for a moment and then move on. You realize, as the phone rings and you must look at the time that you have spent, well, longer than a moment there. You run the things through your mind that you are finding there. And if you are a writer like me, you find yourself glad you stopped in.
I found just such a site today. A site that I call the "Super WalMart" site of blogs. WalMart... You know, the store that you can get everything you need, all under one roof! Well, that my fellow writers and readers is what this site I was introduced to today is. The "Everything you ever wanted to know to write but were afraid you wouldn't find it" site.
CuteWriting has something for all writers. She has placed inside informative links and well written blogs that will guide you through writings little bumps and scratches. From "Your Complete Guide to Typing on QWERTY" to "Publishing Your Short Stories How-to Guide", she gives you avenues and places to go so that your writing experience can be what it really should be. A writing experience.
If you are a writer or you are thing about the idea of being a writer, go have a look. She has something for everyone and I promise you, it won't be a wasted trip. There is more to her blog then just blogging.

A little bit more about that word... Bipolar.

I sit here tonight, 2 a.m., wishing I could fall to sleep. I fear it will escape me once again and the prospect is both pleasing and tiring to me. Insomnia is no stranger to me. I have know it well for 20+ years. Why I suffer is perhaps for another write. Tonight it is because my mind is too busy pondering things. I am a writer. It is what I do, what I love... my passion. With that being said, I, like a million other writers want to be the best at what I do. I want my readers to always want more of me. What writer doesn't?
But tonight, I don't write about being a writer. I write about the one that writes and carries with him a little more baggage. With my desires and fears of writing, I carry the tag of a Bipolar. You know, that guy that starts 20 projects, but not because he has so much time that he needs 20 projects going. He starts 20 because he doesn't sometimes finish the others. That would be me. I consider it one of my greatest accomplishments that I have finished so many stories and even have several novels published.
Perhaps you live with it, know someone or... maybe you even are someone that shares this disorder with me. Maybe you know the guy that started 20 projects and 19 of them sit unfinished, scattered from one end of his home to another. Maybe I can shed a bit of light on this for you. It isn't that we didn't intend on finishing them. It isn't that we don't care if we do or don't. But with completion comes the opportunity to be judged. The chance to have someone evaluate what we have done and say "wow, it's great" or "man, you suck." Even simpler, kinder words meant only to help or point out a tiny flaw can send me into a LOW that will take weeks, maybe longer to come out of. Something innocently said that caused me to think on it, much longer than someone else would. Too long some would say.
I saw words tonight that were I suppose meant only to offer an idea to change something. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I worked it through my head for hours and simply could not shake it. Tears fell like someone had died. The sheer realization of how thinly clad my heart was made me sit and wonder how it is I even function some days. The fear of failing at anything isn't always the failure part. It is the embarrassment that hits my system so hard that I can barely think. Even as i sit and write this, I wonder if I should. Do I paint myself a freak or whiner or do I open eyes for others to see that they are not the only one in the world that does these things, feels this way?
Thinking that I may fail at something that I love or want so badly leaves me questioning everything around me. Things I know to be good for me and yet so afraid I will not be able to give it my all leaves me not following through at all.The things I have lost because I was so busy thinking I would fail that I didn't take the time to step up are too many to count. I only know that I lost them because of my fear of failing. Fear of disappointing someone. This is my life, the way I live each and every moment. This LOW is nothing new to me, but each time, I wonder where it will take me this time. Braver in leaving than in staying.
Tonight , I hurt inside. Tonight or is it this morning... it all runs together for me, I will sit up all night and think on one simple thing that my heart feels. Tonight I will be alone and I must ponder that too. Morning will be here before I know it...

Fabric...

Carrie saw Evel putting his helmet on. She knew she had very little time to slow him down. She had to buy them some time. She was Not leaving without Derek at her side.
"Mr. Knievel, wait!" she shouted. He stopped and removed his helmet.
"Well pretty lady, what are you doing back here? I am getting ready to start my run."
"oh I know that sir. I am with WKLT in Cincinnati, Ohio. I heard about your jump and wanted it on my talk show. You might have heard of me. I have the Carrie Ann show."
"Maybe I have heard that name, I am just not sure. I could give you a quick interview or just some publicity shots if you want. The crowd will wait for me."
"Thank you sir. I really just need some good photos of you and your bike. Then I will film you jumping. Sort of a before and after shoot." Carrie began filming Evel as he posed for her in different ways with his motorcycle.Grammie had been right... he was a Ham. She only hoped he was going to "ham" it up long enough for Derek to get back in time to pass through the rip with them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He ran like a mad man through the traffic and people. The crowd had doubled and space was not a luxury afforded to him right now. He could hear the sirens of the cops all over town. He wondered if they had found the cop yet. He hadn't meant to hurt the man. He felt terrible about the way things went down.The cop had left him no options. A beat cop spotted him running and Gerek could see him talking on his walkie-talkie. He looked up at Derek for a moment then shook his head in an affirmative way. Derek knew the cop recognized he was the man they were all looking for. Derek began to run faster. The cop was now giving chase and he knew his time was all but gone.
Derek reached the back of the Palace. It was the one place that from where he enter the Palace, he could not be seen by any cop. He slipped inside and ran directly into Carrie, who was busy filming Evel. she dropped the camera when she saw Derek. "Oh thank God you made it back here, Love. We only have minutes left before the jump and we ..."
Derek interrupted Carrie. "Does Grammie have the clock!? Please tell me she does!"
Hey there little lady. You dropped the camera. Are we finished with pictures?"
"Yes, I am sorry sir. I should have said something to..." she felt Derek pull on her sleeve.
"If we are to get where we are going, the time is Now, Carrie. We have got to get to Nina and that clock!"
"Don't forget to get shot of me coming down the ramp on the other side."
"No I won't Mr. Knievel," she called to him as Derek pulled her along with him.
Nina saw them coming and squealed with delight. "There they are Grammie. They are coming this way!!!"
"Yes dear one, I see them." Grammie unfolded the blanket she had the clock wrapped in. She set it on a small table beside the ramp. Derek and Carrie reached them and both hugged Nina. "You haven't much time now. It takes 45 seconds for Mr. Knievel to make the jump. He will rip the Fabric at 35 seconds and 10 seconds for the Fabric to tear down far enough for Nina to reach it. You will take hold of it and drag it with you. No one else will see the Fabric. As soon as you are all through and the Fabric touches the other part, it will be sealed. Now go, he is starting to rev his bike."
Grammie stuck something in Nina's pocket. They each hugged Grammie and then she stepped back away from them. Carrie clutched the clock tight as they stepped as close to the ramp as they dared.
"I love you Nina so much. And I do so love you, My Derek. No matter what happens or what we find on the other side, don't you forget that." Derek kissed her once more just as Evel Knievel was coming up to the top of the ramp. The bike left the ramp and sailed through the air. Suddenly, as if the back of the bike had snagged on something, the front fell forward. The bike and Evel plummeted towards the ground. Nina watched as the Fabric ripped and floated downward towards her. A commotion ensued behind them that caused them all to turn around.
"Stop that man. He is under arrest for assault and breaking and entering!" The cops raced towards them and panic filled their souls. "I will shoot if you don't step away now!" The cop raised his revolver and took aim at Derek.
"Nina, pay attention! Grab the Fabric now!"
"Nina looked at her father and then at the Fabric falling around her. She grabbed the Fabric as Carrie was going through the rip. A huge light shown through where the Fabric had once been whole. Derek took Nina's free hand and as the alarm sound on the clock, Evel Knievel hit the ground and the Fabric came loose from his bike. Bouncing like a rag doll, the last thing he saw before passing out was Nina being pulled into some light by a man.
A shot rang out as the cop fired once at Derek. Derek winced in pain but never lost his grip on Nina. They fell the air until they hit solid ground. Nina layed on her back, watching the Fabric reseal itself. The sounds of the people screaming in the Palace were now gone. The familiarity of her home, the warmth, the smells all flooded her senses.
"We are home again. Daddy, Mommy... we made it back." Nina looked around and saw her father, laying in his own blood on the floor. Her mother was just standing up as Nina called out to him. "Daddy, daddy... talk to me please. Tell me you are alright. Oh God, please."
Carrie Ann rushed over to him and lifted his head onto her lap. "Derek, baby, talk to me please. Don't you dare die now on us. We made it back before I had fallen. Please..."
Derek stirred in her arms. He opened his eyes and smile a faint smile. I do not recommend the Caesar's Palace. They have crazy cops that shoot people."
"Are you hurt bad, Daddy?" Nina hugged him tightly.
"No baby, just a flesh wound. Daddy will be alright. I love you both so much. Never again am I losing either of you.
Nina felt something in her pocket. She reached in and took out a piece of paper. She opened it and as she read it, she began to softly cry.
Dearest ones, always remember me when you hear the clock. I will always remember your beautiful family. We will meet again in your future... But that my dear ones, readers and all................. Is another story. I hope you all enjoyed. Always, Darrel

Fabric...

Derek raced across what was now a full parking lot. People paid him no attention as he jumped over car hoods and slipped down alleys, trying to find the fastest way to the shop. He knew that every single minuted counted now. He had finally found a way to be back with both of his loves and nothing would stop him from making it back in time. He reached the shop and his heart skipped a beat. The door was locked and the lights were all turned off. The sign saying closed still hung in the door. Derek began to pound on the front door. He looked inside to see if there was any movement. Not seeing anyone coming to the door, he began to pound on the glass again, this time with a fury. He had to get that clock and make it back in time to save the only woman he ever loved. One last time he slammed his fists into the door. One time too many, it seemed. Suddenly the glass panel shattered into a million tiny pieces. Derek just froze, his hands still poised in the air, blood trickling slowly from cuts from the shards of glass. Cars slowed down and people called out to the beat cop.
"Hey there is a guy breaking into the Pisk shop!" one man shouted. "Someone get a cop!"
Derek panicked at the sound of the voices all around him. He still had a clock to retrieve. Stepping through the open door, he looked towards the table where the clock had last sat. "Empty!? How in the hell could it be gone!? Surely Grammie would have known we left it here!" He was still talking out loud to himself when he felt a hand grasp his arm.
"You have some explaining to do, young man!" Derek turned and looked into the face of a cop. The man held a revolver in his other hand.
"No, you don't understand! This is my Grammie shop! I forgot something and came back to get it!"
"And dear old Grammie couldn't just have opened the door for you?! Come on, you are going downtown."
A full blown fear gripped Derek suddenly. He didn't know where the clock was. He thought maybe Grammie saw it and was bringing it to them. Even if that were so, she would get to the Palace, only to find him not there. What then? He tried to pull away from the cop.
"Now don't give me any guff, youngster! I will use this gun if I need to. Just come along quietly and we will check out your story. If "Grammie" says you are telling the truth, then you and her can figured out the door."
Derek resisted again. "You don't understand! I have to be somewhere in just a few minutes! Please let me go! I have to find that clock!" Derek could hear sirens in the background. He knew more cops would be there in just a moment. He suddenly went calm.
"There, now that's better. See how easy this is?" The cop loosened his grip a little to reach for his handcuffs. As soon as Derek felt the change, he reached around and slapped the gun from the cops hand. The cop, in a bit of shock at Derek's sudden barrage, stood frozen for a moment. Derek grabbed the opportunity to wrap his strong arms around the cop and drag him into the back room of the shop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Where is he Mother!? He should have been back here by now! Evel is going to be jumping very soon!"
"I don't know where he is, Nina! Something must have happened that slowed him down. He will be here. I know your father and he isn't going to let anything stop him from getting back here in time."
A voice called out from behind them. Both turned to see Grammie walking as fast as her legs would allow her too. She was clutching something tight to her chest. "Nina, Carrie Ann, where is Derek?!"
"We thought he was at your shop! Didn't you see him there? He was coming back for the..."
"Clock. Yes I saw it after you all were gone. I grabbed it and hurried over here to you. I did not see Derek anywhere. I heard a bunch of sirens coming from over near my shop. Oh dear, I hope he hasn't got him self into a mess."
"What are we going to do Grammie?! We can't pass through the Fabric and leave him here."
"We have to get you through the Fabric Carrie or none of it will matter."
"I am not leaving without Derek, Grammie! I won't do it!"
Grammie grabbed Carrie by the shoulders. "You listen to me young lady! You have a daughter that needs her mother. That is your first priority right now. If Derek doesn't make it back here in time, I will be here to find a way to send him to you."
"How? How will you do that Grammie?! You know damn well that will be near impossible. Nina is going to pull the rip closed when we pass through it! There will be no way to get back. You said so yourself! Where is he???!!!"
"Mother, stop it, you are scaring me. We have to listen to Grammie so we can save you. We have to do that. Daddy will be here. We still have some time."
"I have an idea that might get us a few more minutes. You need to get backstage with the camera. Find Mr. Knievel and tell him you want to do a quick interview for a television station. He is a ham and begs for the publicity. He will not say no. Keep him busy for as long as you can. Nothing happens until he tears the Fabric so time doesn't matter. When he jumps is not relevant."
"Yes, yes, that will work. You wait here in case Derek comes back. Nina, you stay with Grammie so no one asks too many questions. We will get this done. I am going to have my family back. All of them."
Carrie disappeared behind a huge curtain, the camera poised already on her shoulder.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Derek figured that Grammie must have taken the clock and was bringing it to them. The cop was struggling to get free of his grip. Time was running out for him and for Carrie Ann. He had only one choice and it tore at him to have to do it.
"You leave me no choice! Your buddies are going to be here in a minute or two and I simply can't be taken by them."
Derek grabbed a pipe that was near by and raised it over the cops head. The cops eyes bulged as he looked at the pipe coming towards him. There was no where to hide and he slumped to the floor as the pipe made contact. Derek prayed he had not hit the man too hard.
"How much is this going to change history", he whispered. Derek reached down and felt for a pulse. A sigh of relief flushed out of him as he felt the blood pulsing through the cops neck. Hearing the sirens just outside the shop, Derek tossed the pipe down and ran out the back door. Now it was a true race against time. He prayed silently as he ran that Grammie would be with Carrie and Nina when he got there...

Fabric...

Derek turned towards Carrie's grandmother. He remembered her older but she still had the same smile. She had accepted him long before anyone else in the Pisk family had. When she died, she left the legacy of him being part of a wonderful family.He leaned in and hugged her and introduced Nina.
"We have met before, dear Derek. Nina comes to talk with me when her heart is heavy, though on a different plain. She has wonderful gifts and one day she will help many people. For now, we need to concentrate on getting this young lady of yours back home and living."
"What do we need to do, Grammie?"
"We must mark the clock to the exact time the Mr.Knievel, poor soul, rips the Fabric of time. When that happens, you three must be ready to pass through it and return to your time. You must be holding one another when you pass through or the one that isn't will be left with dear old Grammie forever. That would be a tragedy in that it would sends ripples through the Fabric as far back as John and Sarah."
"I don't understand, Grammie. Why will it effect things so far back?"
"Because my dear Nina, if one of you doesn't return to your time, then either your mother and father will have never met because they will be in different times or you will never come to be. The one that returns will remember this day but anyone left behind will have no recollection of any of this. Simply put, it will not have ever happened in this time line."
"No event, no memory."
"Exactly Derek. So you see how important this is that it happen perfectly. Not that I would mind finishing out my life with one or all of you, but that simply isn't the way it is to be. It would follow back to our ancestors because all time would change. How much, I don't know so let us do this right the first time."
Grammie went to the back of the shop and brought out the clock. It was a beautiful clock that appeared to be as perfect as the day it was made. Looking like a curvaceous woman squatting, it's colors of blue and purple sparkled. Two cherubs adorned the the lower part of the clock. She placed the clock on a table and took out a small key to wind the clock with. The sound of it ticking echoed through the shop. Grammie went to the door and pulled the shade down. She turned the sign over to read closed and returned to the clock.
"This clock will travel with you through the Fabric. Be careful not to damage it or it will drop you in the middle of whatever time you are passing through. When the alarm goes off, you will have one minute to pass through the Fabric rip. Once you are through, the Fabric will seal itself and all will be as it was. Mr. Knievel will do his bounce off the ramp and re break every bone again. Silly man anyways."
"How do we get high enough to pass through the rip, Grammie?"
"The rip will follow the poor man down to the floor. It is on his impact with the ground that the fabric will lose it's grip. That is when you will jump onto the platform and pass through the rip."
"And no one is going to notice three people standing on the platform, suddenly disappearing into the nothingness of space?"
"That is where Nina will become very important. Nina, my dear young lady... you must listen closely to me now."
Nina turned to face Grammie so as not to miss a single word. Fear filled her eyes and Grammie saw it as much as felt it. "You must reach out at the moment you are all through the Fabric and pull it closed behind you. When you do that, the time will be closed and lost forever. No one will remember seeing anything except others gifted as you and I are. That will be all and you will return to the moment before your mother fell. From there, you three will simply pick your lives up anew, as one family."
"I still don't see how anyone is going to let us get that close to the platform."
"You must have faith in Grammie, Derek." She smiled at him gently. Remember, I have already lived this day before. I simply don't know what happens after you pass through the Fabric. You will all dress as cameramen. Evel had a hard time getting people to film his adventures. He welcomed any and all publicity. You will be fine and no one will think it strange you are there. Now we must hurry and set the clock. Time is running out for you. Your camera and clothes are hidden behind a curtain next to the platform. Now go and God be with you all. Perhaps we will see one another again."
They hugged Grammie and thanked her for all she had done. The walk to the Palace was quick and they went in the backdoor of the building.Exactly where she had said they would be were the clothes and cameras.
"Obviously not our time or these would have been gone by now."
"Let's get changed quickly and move towards the platform, Derek. It is only half an hour until show time. Nina, hand me the clock please."
"I don't have the clock, Mother. I thought you or daddy grabbed it."
"Are you kidding me!? We left without the freaking clock!? Oh My God! We only have a little while! No one move! I will run as fast as I can and be back hopefully in time to do this. If I don't make it, get yourselves out of here." Derek hugged Nina and turned to Carrie Ann. He took her in his arms and held her the way she had longed to be held for so long. "I love you forever, Carrie Ann. We are going to be together, I promise you that." Their tears mingled together as Derek pressed his lips to Carrie's. He kissed her long and deep and she felt her knees begin to weaken. His strong arms held her to his body until the kiss was finished. Dizzy from the kiss, she watched as the man she loved ran out the back door and disappeared.

Fabric...

"We need to go back to our time, Nina. We have to find out what is special about this time. Your mother came here for a reason and we have to..."
"Wait, no. Daddy we can not leave mother here alone! What happens if we can't get back here? "
"We got here this time, so no reason why we can not come back again."
"Don't you understand how you got here Daddy? You haven't crossed the barrier of the Fabric in so many years. I called to you from here but you didn't hear me. I sent a car back to you so that you could get here. The gift will be strengthen in you now that you are here but then..."
"I understand now, Nina. But if we don't know what happened here today, how will we find your mother? And why can't you just call to her or send a car, like you did to me?"
"Mother always covered herself in a cloak so that she was hard to find. I only found her this time because she cut herself while shaving this morning. Her blood left a direct trail to the time she went. Once here though, it is no longer existent in this time. It was a one time good thing."
"Then coming here was a waste of time. We have no way to locate her and she could be any where in Las Vegas."
"No, this is where I came to when I followed her. Caesars Palace has something to do with why she came here. We need to find out what event is happening in there today."
Together they walked through the crowds of people to the front doors. There on the wall beside them was their answer. A huge banner with a motorcyclist on it.
Evel Knievel to perform here tonight. See the greatest motorcycle jump of all time. Watch his death defying leap over the top of our Fountain.
"That's it, Nina. That is why your mother chose this spot. When Knievel jumped the fountain, he crashed. No one saw it but I remember seeing a tiny light at the top of the screen when they showed it on T.V. The light was Knievel tearing the Fabric because of the fire from the bike and the speed he traveled. He never knew why he failed and blamed it on the bike. The truth was that the rip he caused snagged the bike and tried to suck it into whatever time he opened."
"Mother is trying to use a rip that was caused by someone else. If she does that, it won't cause a fire and she won't be caught in this time."
"Yes, but she would need a clock. An alarm clock made special that was very rare... almost non-existent in our time. Somehow, she must have found one and is going to use it to go back in time. It's her only chance to do whatever it is she is trying to do and beat the Fabric."
"Then we need to find where they sell them here. We should be able to find mother there. Daddy, do you love mommy?"
The question was so quick and out of left field. Derek stood and stared at Nina for a moment. He took her by the hand and sat her down on a bench outside the Palace. He took her hands in his and smiled softly at her. "Nina, love was never an issue for your mother and I. The love was and is always there. I think that your mother wanted more for you. She..." A tear ran down his face as he spoke. "She wanted us to be a family."
"We were a family, daddy." Nina's tears made Derek cry even more. Here sat a big man, muscled-toned, a five o'clock shadow of a beard on his face, huge hands that now covered his daughters face, crying for all the world to see. The sadness in his face, the love in his eyes were so evident.
"No baby, we weren't. Not really. I was always working to hard to make us a family. I only realized it after I came home and found the note. It devastated me and I cried for weeks. I waited for you and your mother to come back... you never did. I love your mother with all of my heart. She was always the greatest gift to me. When you came along, everything was perfect in my world. I never saw what my work was doing to our life." Derek pulled Nina to his chest and his teardrops fell into her hair. It felt as if it were raining to her as she soaked his shirt with her own tears.
"Let's go find mother and make this all right,Daddy."
Locating a phone book, they found the only shop that dealt in antique clocks. They hailed a cab that took them to the shop. Derek handed the cabbie a ten spot and they headed for the door. Had he looked back, he would have seen the cabbie scratching his head, looking at the ten dollar bill he had just received. 1984 the date read. The cabbie smiled now. "I got me one of them, what-cha call it's. A misprinted bill. I bet it's worth a small fortune. I won't be driven a Cab no more. I'll be hailing one!" he said out loud as he drove away.
The little bell at the top of the door rang as they entered the shop. Turning quickly towards the sound, Carrie Ann found herself face to face with her daughter and her husband. She began to fall to her knees and was caught in the arms of the only man she had ever loved. The three of them hugged one another tightly. Derek took her chin gently into his fingertips. He tilted her head back and kissed her deeply. A kiss that said I will never let you go away again. Carrie returned the kiss in like.
"Hey you too, we need to get moving here. You can kiss later, when we are home safely."
Derek looked down at Nina and smiled. "Let's do what you came here to do Carrie and get back to our own time. You already have me back so let's just go and start fresh now."
Carrie looked at Derek and began to cry again. "We can't go without going back in time."
"Sure we can. I am here now, we are all together. Let's just go!"
"Derek listen to me! This is only an essence of me here. Part of me is still back there in our apartment. I slipped down our steps and fell. Nina didn't find me, she only found the plans for me to try and fabric again. Part of me is laying on the floor, dieing. If I don't do this, I will die there. Please help me, my love. Don't let me die now that I have found you again."
Derek held her close to him and cried. He would not lose her ever again.
"Let's do this, Carrie Ann. Let's save your life!"

Fabric...

The year is 1812. It was a time of fighting and deception but also a time that witches still cast fears into the hearts of even the most wise of scholars. Between 1610 and 1840, it is estimated that over 26,000 accused witches were burned at the stake. Starting in Europe, the execution of witches quickly spread to the Americas. Pennsylvania and Massachusetts were prominent places for witch hunts and executions. In a small village in the state of Ohio, still a young state, having only been named a state in 1803, a family moved onto a farm outside of town. They were quiet and kept to themselves. John Sewald and his wife Sarah schooled their four children at home, though the townsfolk had asked them repeatedly to join their communities school. The children, thought to be peculiar by most of the town, stayed to themselves, seldom venturing in to the towns streets. Speculation as to where the family came from grew to town gossip. Lady folk, taking preserves and goods to the family swore to have witnessed the children dancing in horrible and often erotic ways in the wooded area that surrounded the farm. Carcasses drug home by family dogs of chickens and squabs hastily added to the gossip.
"They came here from Salem," some would whisper. "Oh, they are witches alright! I have seen them make things fly through the air," others would say. It wasn't long before panic began to envelop the town. Men talked in private of burning and hangings. Women grabbed their children up when John or Sarah came to town, for fear the "witches" would eat their children. John and Sarah became increasingly uneasy and decided they would leave and find a new place to live.
"We can not, being of God fearing people, allow these creatures of Hades to go to another place and cause harm!" The screech's of Lucas Beard was heard through out the community. "We must go to them and end their legacy, lest it become a part of our own State."
"But what of the children?" asked Lauren Pisk, a stately woman left with riches beyond a mans dreams by her late husband. "They are but innocents in their parents teachings. Surely they are young enough that our church can exorcise the spirits from them. We must save the children, at least!"
"No woman! They are inheritances of their families disease. They will spread it like wildfire throughout the State. They must die with their family, so say I! Those in favor, say Aye." The echos of his words resound through out the town. Lauren Pisk was cast aside as the men made a plan to execute the "witches." "Should you come betwixt this casting out of these demon people, I shall have you hanged myself, woman!" Those were the last words that Lauren Pisk was to ever hear from the men of this tiny village in Ohio.
Lauren took her horse and carriage and in the still of the night, on March 21st, 1812,went out to the Sewald farm. She explained to the parents what was to happen that night. "I can not secure all of you. We would surely be found and all would die. I came to rescue the children that they might live. You must find ways to hold the men down until we are far from here. There is no time to settle and think. If you love your children, then you must do this for them."
There was no question as to John nor Sarah's answer. The children held hands and began to chant as one. A light in the forest shone through and the carriage and Lauren Pisk and the heirs to the Sewald estate disappeared into light. Shortly after midnight, 30 men rained down on the Sewald farm. Knives and torches and ropes filled their hands. John fought them off as best he could, taking to the grave four of the towns men. He was taken down and tied to a rotting tree outside the house as Sarah watched in horror, afraid to come out of the hollow she had hidden in. The tree was set afire and Johns screams could be heard into the village square. People of the village closed their windows to shield their own children's ears from the horrible sounds. The men searching for Sarah and the children, found Sarah hidden in the hole of a tree stump. She never left the stump, but burned to death where she had sought refuge. All through the night they searched for the children. In the mornings light, they saw the wagon marks that led from the farm and suddenly vanished. All of them knew who had taken the children.
"Shall we give chase and kill them all, Lucas!?"
Lucas stared at the tracks leading away from the farm. His face contorted in anger, he turned towards the men. "Nay, I say let the wretched woman and the demons find another village to destroy. She shall pay by god's own hand one day. We are finished here!"

In a town far from the village, one year later, four children and their savior sat near a bridge on the East side of their property. Each held a candle and a knife in their hand. They were surrounded by baby dolls just outside of their ring. A safe place for the dolls. Lauren Pisk began the chant and one by one the children chimed in until the sound echoed through the forest around them. Though there is no records of why it happened, in a small village, somewhere in Ohio doors began to lock themselves, trapping men and women alike inside their homes and their barns. The buildings were struck by freak lightening some say. The only fact known was that all the men and women of the village burned to death that day. Only the children were saved as the fires happened when all were out to play. Lucas Beard screamed out the names of John and Sarah Sewald with his last breath.
The Sewald children grew to be prominent members of their community. No one ever questioned where they came from as their "mother" told them of the tragic story of how their father was lost in a fire and she, their "mother" brought them here to raise. Their legacy to move evolved into the magic of time movement, though to disturb the Fabric would cause a "fire" that could send time into a tailspin.
Born to Lauren Pisk were children from her second husband. The ancestors of one Carrie Ann Pisk. Johnathon Sewald Jr. raised his family in the rights of his mother and father. When Carrie Ann Pisk met Derek Sewald, she knew from the moment she saw him, they were going to be married. And after centuries of silence, the Sewald legacy would be reborn again in full strength. And they named the rebirth Nina.

Fabric...

Derek hugged Nina a little longer and then took her shoulders in his big hands. He stared down at her and saw her mother in her eyes. He fought back the tears that reminded him how much he was still in love with Carrie Ann.
"Nina, why did you come here!!? Don't you know how dangerous this can be for you!? Everytime you do this, you take a chance of never coming back. I had hoped your mother would have told you this."
"I had to come daddy... she is in trouble."
"What did she do that she needed to go back to damn near before she and I were born?"
"She goes back daddy because..."
He saw the tears in her eyes. How many times had he wiped the tears from her mothers eyes. She would be crying many times when he would come home after a long day at work. When he would ask her why, she always said the same thing.
"Because I miss you! Because your daughter cried herself to sleep again! Because all I wanted was you and Nina. And all I have is Nina."
He could hear her words so clearly in his mind. He wanted them to never want or need for anything should something happen to him. He thought that his hours and hours of dedication to making money to give them a better life would be understood, appreciated.He never thought she would take his Nina from him and leave.
"She goes back why, Nina? Tell me why she chances everything to go back to a place she has never been before?"
"She does it to try and save hers and your marriage daddy. She is trying to find a way to bring you back and lock us in a time that you would not have to work so hard to give us what you wanted us to have. She does this for us, Daddy."
Derek just stared at his daughter. He could feel tears streaming down his face. He had given all he had and lost her. Now she was giving all she had to keep him. he hugged Nina once again, sobbing into his little girls shoulder. He loved them more than he loved his own life. They were his life. They truly always had been.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
She walked into the bakery as if she had been there a million times. The woman behind the counter watched her as she entered. She was a stout woman with a huge beehive hairdo that seemed out of date to Carrie Ann. She knew her in an instant, although by the time Carrie Ann could remember her, this woman was frail and grey haired. She looked at her and smiled softly.
"May I help you, young lady?" Her voice so startled carrie that she almost fell backwards against a coat rack. She had not heard that voice in fifteen years. Her grandmother had raised her since her mother walked away from her when she was only five. She was a kind woman,but strict with her rules for Carrie. Her strictest of all was "no Fabric."
"Your mother did it once to often and now she is gone to us forever. You must not use this gift ever, Carrie Ann." Carrie knew her grandmother only told her this story to help her not hurt so much. Carrie knew her mother had not traveled to many times. She watched her through a crack in the door as her mother packed her suitcase and without even a kiss goodbye, had walked out the front door and left with a man. Not too many Fabric moves... too many men.
"Miss, can I help you find something?" Carrie was brought back to the present, or whatever time this could be called, by her grandmothers voice.
"I am sorry. I was day dreaming I suppose. I am looking for a clock. Not just a clock really. It was a clock that was made in this time that was special."
Her grandmother looked at her through squinted eyes. Carrie realized what she had just said to this lady. "What I mean to say is that I was told it was made by a clock-maker by the name of Rawlings. A friend told me you carry his works."
Her grandmother , still looking at her with question in her eyes, nodded. "Yes I carry his clocks here. But few people know that and fewer ask for him by name. Might I ask what your interest in his clocks could be?"
Carrie could feel her palms starting to sweat. The Fabric, the fabric is going to tear, is all she could think of. She had to be so very careful if she was to get back out of this time. One tiny rip and she would be here for the rest of her life. No more Nina and no chance to ever have her Derek back in her arms again. God, why had she ever gone away? What was she trying to prove to him? Did she just expect him to follow her, run out and stop her from going? She had slipped out while he was working. She had made certain he couldn't ask her to stay then. If he had, she knew she could not have gone. The lesson she wanted to teach him about working so much had slapped her right in the face. Derek had NOT come to stop her nor did he beg her to come home. He simply told her he would love her until the last stars in heaven had gone out. He promised to keep her and Nina always well taken care of. And he told her that he would take her back if ever she wanted to be with him. But she didn't want that. Oh no, this stubborn girl insisted in her heart that HE be the one to come to her.
"I need the clock to set time right. It is the only way I have of going back to an exact time. A moment when I walked out on a man without giving him a chance to ask me to stay. In just a few hours, Evel Knievel is going to make a jump on his bike. He will fail. His bike will catch on a time rif and fall to the ground. At that exact moment, I have to set the alarm to go off. It will take me back... take us back to the moment I am looking for. I need that clock maam. Please, please help me."
Her tears poured down her face and she sobbed uncontrolably. Had her words just sentenced her to life here, in 1967? Had she just sealed her own fate because of the love she had for Derek and Nina? How could she even be sure that Derek and her Nina were even here in this time era? She had to believe that they were. Her sobbing seemed never to stop. Her grandmother came around to the front of the counter. She took Carrie in her large arms and held her tight. She rocked her gently as she had done after Carrie's mother had left her. And she cried softly with Carrie, just as she had done so many years ago.
"Now, now, My beautiful Carrie Ann. We will fix this. You just let grammie help."
Carrie pulled away from her grandmothers arms. She looked at her through eyes that were huge as saucers. Her whole body trembled as the voice echoed through Carrie's mind. "Oh dear God... you know me. What have I done this time? What have I done!????"

Fabric...

The car came over the last hill and was approaching fast. Derek stepped onto the shoulder of the road, anticipating the swerve towards him. As the sun moved across the chrome of the front bumper, Derek sheilded his eyes with a hand to his forehead. He could see the car clearly now. Confusion slipped into his mind as he looked at the car. A relic, he thought. No. Something more. This car seemed completely out of place and yet exactly where it belonged. The Chevy was almost an indigo blue. The 1965 Chevrolet Chevelle SS 396 was beautiful as it slowed down to stop. The window came down as it came to a stop beside Derek. The most beautiful brunnette appeared in it's stead. Her eyes were so dark they looked like coal. Her long hair hung past her shoulders. He thought of Katherine Ross, the actress from the 60's.
"Well stud, she has gone and done it again. This time, she doesn't know if she can get back or not."
Derek stared at this beauty as she spoke. The voice was even that of Ms. Ross. He half expected Sam Elliot to suddenly appear beside her. "Are you really...?"
"Of course I am, young man. She has stepped into a time that doesn't have the needed, shall we say, elements to get back home to your daughter."
"Damn her! Why does she insist on doing this!? Did she leave Nina alone in our time?"
"Yes, but Nina went searching for her."
"What are you talking about? Nina doesn't travel."
"Derek, you have been gone a while. Your little Nina isn't the same as when you left her."
"I didn't leave her!!! Her mother took her from me! We have to find her, bring her back somehow."
"It looks as if you and I will be going on a little trip."
Derek threw his duffle bag in the back seat and climbed into the passenger seat. The car was moving almost before he got his door shut. He looked at this image of Katherine sitting next to him. He reached out to touch her face.
"You know you aren't allowed to do that Derek. It would set the time fabric on fire and we don't want that, now do we?"
"Why doesn't me getting in the car hurt the fabric?"
"How long has it been since you crossed the fabric?"
"Too long, obviously. Where are we going to?"
"Over the next hill, everything you remember will be gone for a time. We will roll down the hill into Las Vegas and it will be the Las Vegas of 1967. We will arrive as Evel Knievel is attempting his jump at the Palace."
"Why then?" She said nothing at all.She simply drove. "I said why then!?!!" Still she did not answer him. She pulled into the parking lot of the Caesars Palace, and stopped the car.
"This is where you and I part ways, Derek. You must find Carrie Ann and bring her back to your time. If you can not, then you will both be stuck in this time forever. I wish you good luck."
Derek stepped out of the car, removed his duffle bag and the car sped away. There he stood, at the doorway to one of the largest Casino's ever to grace Las Vegas.He thought about what Katherine had said about his little Nina. True enough, time had gone by and he had missed some of Nina's growing but surely Carrie would have told him that Nina could now move through time. This was huge and he should have been told about this. He and Carrie had traveled through the fabric many times. They had done it mostly because they could. But now and then they would travel to retrieve an item they needed for their collections. He had given it up after Nina was born and never used it again. Why they could travel, he never knew. He only knew that Carrie was addicted to it and that she would pass through the fabric still, just because she could. He also knew that each time you traveled, you became more part of the time era you had gone to.
Derek heard the voice long before he saw her. He smiled and turned to see his daughter, running to him, her eyes filled with tears and her arms spread wide open to greet him. "Daddy, you came. I knew you would. You always come to me when I need you the most. I love you Daddy. We have to save mom."
"We will, little angel. I promise you, we will."

A little something New...

Today, I am going to try something a little different. Not something really new to blogs, as I have seen others do this before. Something a bit new for me though. I thought that perhaps for the next few days or so, I might write a short story for you. I have no idea what it will be about. I have no beginning, no ending and no clue where it will take me. This is how I write all of my novels also. We will be surprised together. So if you will, come along with me on a journey. Let's see where it will take us. Always, Darrel

Ten miles, the sign had said. He was certain he had walked much further than that by now. Two cars had passed him in the last hour and a half. One slowed as if to pick him up, speeding away as he reached for the door. The second car was filled with high school kids out for a joy ride. They had simply swerved to try and hit him. Brushing the dust off of himself, he ruffled his long black hair to make sure he had no sand fleas hiding inside. If he had cut his hair before leaving Dayton, maybe, just maybe he would have been picked up by now.
Derek Sewald thought about the events that had started him on this trek across the country. He had given Mosh Enterprise the best part of his twenties. A skit in the service and straight to them, manufacturing steel rods for buildings was all he knew. It had been tough work, sometimes his arms would ache from a long days work, but it was honest work. His arms were toned like the hardened steel he worked with and his chest taught as a Marines bed skirt. With baby blues to boot, he was every woman's dream and every mans nightmare.
After ten years of long hard work, they had simply said they didn't need him anymore. Jobs were failing and work was hard to find. He had tried his hand at a few other jobs, saw mills that went under, a cabbie for a time. He even flipped burgers for a while. An honest enough job and no less hot and sweaty than his steel working days, but not something he could hold with. He woke one morning, eleven days ago, packed what he considered needed items and shucked the rest into the green bin behind his apartment. The best of his twenties and it all fit in a Marine duffle bag and a back-pack. Not much to show for so much sweat and muscle pain. He set out in the early dawn and never looked back.
He saw the car coming over the hill. It was miles away when the sun first reflected from the Chrome on the fender. Dust swirls in the sky are all that told him it was still coming when it dipped behind the hills. Were the high school kids coming back for a second try at hitting him? Maybe some old farmer bringing his things to some far away town. He didn't much care really. It was coming towards him which translated into, going the wrong direction for him.
She came rushing back to his thoughts. He never really stopped thinking about her. He knew all of the reasons her mother had taken her away from him. He was a good father but a poor husband. He worked hard so they had it all, but somewhere in the mix of things, he had left her mother lonely one too many times. Her last letter to him came just as he was being told he needed to move on. He had saved no money as all he made went to Carrie Ann Pisk so she could care for Nina. She hadn't asked for any of it. He simply felt it was hers to have. Eleven years old now, she had her daddies dreams and her mothers ambitions. A poor mix that would leave her where he was today. Alone and regretful. Wishing he had done more with their lives than worked to live.
The letter was short and left him with nothing more than worry and a feeling of needing to reach her soon. "Daddy, she has done it again. This time I fear she is in too deep to get out. She still loves you, I know she does. Please come help us. She would kill me if she knew I had written you. I need you Daddy... We need you. Love your little Nina." What else could he do. His daughter needed him.

Things I know about Unprovoked tears...

Tears... not a new word or even a subject I have not written about before.I wrote about tears in the night and I have written about tears from a man and how they are viewed. This morning, as I sat here going through my mail, doing surveys, answering mail that had sat way too long, it happened. The very reason I am writing right now. As I looked at my friend list, I felt a sadness trying to reach out and take me. I didn't have a clue why nor even where it came from. Hell, being Bipolar and half nuts sometimes, I shrugged it off to a little of everything. I even thought that maybe, just maybe it was an after feeling of having had so much fun vacationing and then coming home to such silence. Anyone of them would work, I am sure.
But this was something sort of new for me. An event, maybe we can call it that took me by surprise. I could feel the tears begin to slip down my cheek. I wanted to fight it and at the same time, something inside of me wanted it, perhaps more needed it. I began to write feverishly and try to avoid what felt like it could be huge. I heard all the things that I have seen in writing concerning my blogs. "Too much Sheila", "You seem so lost" and all the other words that rushed back into my head.
I needed so to talk and yet wanted to be silent at the same time. I was afraid that if I talked it would come so alive inside and outside of me.
I opened this site and for the first time in soooo long, I had 2 visitors. Two from 75 in day or two. I wondered if perhaps my writings were not reaching out to hearts and souls now. Had a lost the passion in writing? Had something become quiet inside without me seeing it? I didn't think so. What were these tears for? Where did they come from? Why did numbers for a day bother me so? I had friends that would have gladly talked to me. They always offer if I need an ear. Such wonderful friends and such blessings from heaven for me. A few that are near my heart said hi, one that is deeply dear to me... not available to talk. It just added to the tears. Silent, unprovoked tears that truly came from no-where and every-where.
I remember times in Sheila and my marriage, when I would find her crying alone. I would cuddle her and love her and ask her why she cried. What had i done to bring such sad tears from this woman I loved so much? Her answer was given to me in a gentle hug and soft kiss. A whisper that told me I had done nothing. She said she simply needed to cry. Perhaps, maybe I also just needed to cry. It made no sense to me when Sheila said it, but I excepted it. It makes no sense to me that I sit here, exposing myself, making my heart and soul vulnerable to anyones thoughts or writing. And yet... here I sit, tears flowing, feeling more alone than I have felt in forever. Feeling as if I am facing this Abyss alone. Wishing so mnay things had been different, knowing I can not change any of the past. Knowledgable in the fact that I can only change my future. A deep rooted learning that tells me that no one can have control over my heart or my soul, my very life,unless I myeslf give that power to them.
Perhaps in all of the sobbing, there was a message, a lesson that I needed to see. We say we need to clear eyes if we are to focus and fix issues. I wonder niow if in fact, we need tear filled eyes to cleanse our soul. Cleansed by the tears that have come, unprovoked but a little bit ordained by one so much bigger and so much more wise than me. I think when the tears do pass that I may have a better understanding of their importance in living and seeing clearer. I don't truly know. I only know the tears are warm and cascade down my face faster than I can stop them. they are so very real and why I wanted to share this with you, I don't know. Will more than 2 actually read this and feel the sadness of my soul? I don't know the answer to the question racing through my head. I dont know where these tears originated mentally nor where they will take me today. I will mow the lawn and do some laundry and keep myself busy, perhaps warding off what promises to be a heavy Low for me.
Unprovoked tears? Maybe, or maybe not. My subconsious knows that answer I am sure. Alone in a crowded world, surrounded by friends and loved ones. Wanting to be loved and felt by everyone yet feeling dis-connected inside my very being.Have you felt this sadness, this lonliness that threatens to take me down today? I wonder... Hugsss to the world and Hugsssssss, to me too...Always, Darrel........ Forgive me for this write because I know "I" will not. Darrel

things I know about family/friends...

This morning I want to write about the friends that become family. Not by marriage or any legal matter. I am talking about friends that through your heart and their love and caring, become as much and sometimes even more family than your own family. They touch your heart and soul in wonderful way and when you are with them, they ARE family.
The last four days, my daughter and I spent with her best friend and her family. What a fantastic blessing they were. AS most know that read my writings, I am severely Bipolar and Turrets. I don't like being away from the safe place that my home and surroundings are for me. When my daughter approached me with the idea of going to visit her girlfriend and family in Minnesota, my heart pounded. We have known them for many years now and they have been so like family to us. We talked about it and she and the family understood that I may last for only one day. There were places to go wish translated to me as "People" to deal with. There was their family to meet which transferred to my brain as "A place to go and feel cornered."
All of these thoughts ran through my mind. I am at least somewhat comfortable with my own family. And then it hit me. We weren't going to meet strangers. We were going to enjoy "family." We of course took the trip and when we arrived, I could feel the "family's" love surround us. They were so very happy to see us and we the same for them. We went to Lake Superior and I feel in love with the scenery before me. Watching the waves hit the rocks and cascade over the top of them. Watching those same waves rush up to touch our feet, like little Nymphs, flirting with us, trying so hard to get us to follow them back into the water. We watched huge ships come in and the bridge lift high to let the passing ships in and out of the Bay. We walked the Rose garden that has over 100,000 roses of every variety. The smell of roses was so much nose candy. The kind of nose candy that intoxicates your soul and fills your soul with a sense of heaven reaching down to earth Just for You.
We grilled steaks and burgers and brats and laughed and smiled and spent such precious time together. Our days were filled with going every where and playing cards and talking. Just plain talking. We met all of the family and they were so kind to us.
As we sat and talked and I realized how much at "home" I was with them, I felt the "family" presence in the house. There was no feeling of "OH My God, what happens if I do this or that?" Only Love. When I did fizzle or need time alone, they gave it and without a look of ""Did we do or say something wrong?" That is what family does. A different kind of blog here today, i know. A blog of smiles and enjoyment and of the wonderful vacation I* just experienced. A way to say THANK YOU to the beautiful "family" I just spent the past week with. Sometimes, the people we call friend become family and the door is always open to my home for them. No matter what reason they have for coming inside. What a wonderful gift Faye and Christall and Tim and their family are to my soul. I thank God for the blessing of them. Always, Darrel...

Things I know about memories...

Tonight I sat and watched a show that touched my heart in so many ways. It made me think about how truly precious our memories are to us. The show is taken from a book called The Notebook. It is the story of a love that was beautiful and showed that Love can make Miracles. But it also tells the story of a woman, inflicted with Dementia. She writes down her memories in a notebook so that when she can no longer remember, her husband can read it to her. She hopes that the words will bring her back to him for just a little while. If you ever have the chance, please read the book or watch the movie.
As I watched this movie, thoughts ran through my mind. How precious our memories truly are to us. What a gift it is to have them and what a loss it would be to lose them. Our childhood memories, places we have been, things we have seen and done are a part of the person we are when we are adults. To lose those thoughts would change us and the person we are. The memory of my brothers hand on my shoulder, as I became his eyes at the age of seven. That memory helped create the man that I am today. If that memory were gone from me, the ability to write and to see the world in such detail and description might well be gone with it. The traveling that we did as a family when I was growing up showed me so many places and people. The life time that Sheila and I shared... to be lost from my memory would totally take from me so many things that I learned from her. I would be a different man and want different things in this life without those memories to look back on.
When Allie, the woman from the story, lost her memory, she began to live a totally different life. Though the essence of her personality were still hers, she had to start over again. The photo albums we create in our minds from our memories are often all we have left of some places and people in our lives. The cherished memories as well as those not so cherished are so much the reason we are who we are today. Losing them would be the same as losing part of our very soul. When I think of My Sheila, though sometimes it is through tears, I remember her laughter and her smile. I remember how everyday she would say "Good morning, good looking." I remember how with but a gentle touch, a brush of her fingertips on my skin told me exactly what she was thinking. When I was angry with someone, she could just place her tiny hand on my big arms and calm me in that very instant. Sometimes when i find myself angry, I remember that touch, and I find myself calming inside. Without that memory, what would calm me inside?
Though she was my forever True Love, she was not my only love in the years I have lived. The memories of a different love still reach my heart in the night. When I am sad, sometimes it is that love that brings to me a needed smile. This life has blessed me with many loves, each a different love... each a special memory in my soul. I will leave this world knowing in my heart of hearts that I have Truly been blessed more than any one man deserves. The memories of past loves, the new I might make with perhaps a new love, will be what carries me through until heaven calls me home.
Watching my daughters grow and building memories with them help me carry on each day. Love that fills my life in so many ways, from hearts that will be with me forever, sustain me in my lonely times. Can a memory or I should ask, can the loss of a memory be so devastating? I can answer that here, through tears that cloud my eyes, but not my thoughts. I cry myself to sleep at night because of a lost memory. My heart breaks in to pieces at the realization that although I remember Sheila's touch, her smell, her smile and even her very ways... I can no longer remember her precious voice. Try as I may, and The Father in heaven knows I try, I can not remember what her voice sounded like. To forget more than that would leave me crying I think forever.
Cherish the memories that are yours today. Hold tight to them and write them down somewhere. Make a little notebook as I have to my daughters, something you can pass on to them so they never forget what they have been to you. Perhaps my daughters will sit with me one day and read them back to me. Maybe the miracle of those memories will bring me back to them for just a moment. Just long enough to tell them I love them and how beautiful they have been in my life.
I pray I have my memory with me until I go away to heaven. I pray that one day I have the strength to listen to a tape my Sheila made before she went to heaven, so that I CAN hear her voice and so that I can remember. Today... is not that day for me.
Your memories are the most precious gift you will ever have. Hold them close to your heart. Cherish them forever. Share them often with those you love so that they stay alive in your heart and mind. Always, Darrel...

Attitude... does it make a difference?

Looking out of my second story window, I find myself reflecting once again on Life and where it has brought me too. I wonder why things happen or have happened in my life. What purposes they served and how I am going to use each thing that occurs in my life. Attitude is everything and it is many times the difference between making a bad thing good or a bad thing worse. The silence I feel more than hear today reminds me of where my life is today. My love has gone to heaven and my life changed totally forever. How I dealt with or am dealing with the loss is a lot of where my life will go. Again, attitude.
Where do I wander when I go here? I go to the whys in life. Many years ago, before the Bipolar found me, before Sheila came out of remission and our life was good... I had a medical condition that returned after 15 years of silence. I have Pulmonary Embolisms that like to show up now and then and try to Kill me.It was a very nasty one and they called the family in to say their goodbyes. Thankful to God, I survived it and after 10 days went home. Our life continued to go well but the closeness to death I had experienced had begun to take a silent toll on me. Less than two years later, another clot showed up. This one worse than the other. I knew how serious this one was and prayed so hard that God would spare me. I will add a poem written by me to the end here that was all about this incident.
God did spare me and thus comes the place I go perhaps too often. That clot added to my fear of dieing and left me scared and lost inside. But as I look back now, watching out my window, unable to cause myself to go outside of the house today, I wonder why He did choose to save me. Had I gone to heaven that time, Sheila would never have known the terrible heartbreak I brought to her over the next 4 years she was with me. She would not have watched as I regressed and the Bipolar and Turrets took over inside of me. She would have known only the love that I had for her and she would never have seen our world fall apart. What was his purpose for keeping me alive when the doctors said it was a miracle that I survived? Did I survive only to hurt my Love in ways that I am not sure can be forgiven? Did I live so that I could spend my lonely nights, crying myself to sleep at night because I miss My Love so much? Too go on hurting others by watching them fall for me when I knew my love was limited?
Attitude... that thing that gets us through our day or leaves us walking around like a Zombie, afraid to go outside, afraid to talk to much for fear we might say something that would hurt another soul. Wanting desperately to love and give all that I am, but afraid that in doing so, I would make the love I have for Sheila seem untrue or unreal? Welcome to my world... a bit mixed and insane at times.
So now, each morning I wake and I tell myself all the reasons God saved me. I remind myself of all the "good" I have done for others. Remembering the lives that because I am here today, have been made it little better for knowing me. I give myself a list in my brain as to why I should stay. Why I should continue to write novels and share my thoughts with others. God must have had a reason for saving me and so I will for now, continue to do what I think is good. I will continue to reach out to hearts that are sad or that feel they have no worth. As I reach out to them, tell them that they are good and that they are loved, perhaps I am reaching into myself and telling myself the same thing.
Attitude...the story of how Sheila's attitude and will to live and love gave us 24 years instead of four, together. How a simple thing like having a beautician come into her hospital room and groom her and make her feel alive, saved her life for another 10 years. It caused her to feel Alive again after so very long in the hospital.
Attitude... how I will choose to walk through this life. Alone and wondering what might or might not be, pondering life and where I will go from here. Not an easy thing for me. I think sometimes my words have helped others, bipolar or manic or completely fine people understand they are not alone and that someone DOES understand and share their confusion.Perhaps my only reason for being here is so that others may know that they are loved and wanted and needed and will have a place to go when they are tired and just need to vent. There are for certain great blessing to receive in doing these things.
Today, for now, at this moment... I choose to have a Positive attitude. I choose to stay and continue to reach out to those in need and see them smile. this moment I choose not to tear myself down and cause my own self to hurt. It really is all about your attitude. It is the basics of survival in this crazy world.
Today, I will try and be happy...
the poem about my perception of the night I was nearly gone...
God In His Mercy Said Stay.

The thunder rolled in from all around
and the lightening struck the ground,
The clouds they moved like a roaring train
and my eyes hurt from the pounding rain.
The sky’s had a look about them
like nothing that I had ever seen,
The darkness was a blackness so complete,
I knew what it had to mean.
So frightened was I of what could happen this night
that somewhere I almost lost sight,
That though I wanted to stay with my children and wife,
“He” promised me eternal life.
I searched through the clouds and the terrible storm
looking for some sign of light,
Then in my heart I felt such a warmth
as a curtain opened and the sun shown in bright.
I looked through the window it’s golden light bright
and I felt it call me to come,
Though I knew it was heaven I was still feeling fright
for on this earth I just wasn’t done.
Now there are those who will say this was all in my head
and just the state of mind I was in,
But my friends as I laid in my room on the bed
it was heaven I saw through the dim.
In all of that darkness the storms raging wild,
a light shone through the darkness for me,
And God in his love and mercy for this child...
Gave me life and said “Stay for Awhile”.
Thank you Father for your love and mercy.

Author's Comments:
"This poem was written shortly after I had my last Pulmonary Embolism. That night I waited for over 40 minutes for an ambulance to get to me. The doctors called all of my family in and told them to say goodbye as I was going to die. I did see a light and doorway that night. I felt that I could have gone through it but I prayed to God to let me stay with my family a little while longer. He blessed me with his grace and let me stay. "

Welcome to My World... The things I know about it.

Depression... such a confusing and sometimes terrifying state of mind. What brings it on? What makes it stronger at times? Why do some suffer more and why does it take some to the very brink of the end and not others? Is it their make-up inside? The way they look at life, even through sad eyes? There are I am sure 1000 reasons or answers to those questions. The way the are answered is greatly influenced by the frame of mind one is in when the questions are asked. There are a lot of studies concerning depression that help to answer the questions medically or clinically. Abuse. Past physical, sexual, or emotional abuse. Certain medications.Conflict. Death or a loss. Sadness or grief from the death or loss of a loved one.Genetics. A family history of depression may increase the risk. It’s thought that depression is passed genetically from one generation to the next. The exact way this happens, though, is not known. Major events. Even good events such as starting a new job, graduating, or getting married can lead to depression. So can moving, losing a job or income, getting divorced, or retiring. Other personal problems. Serious illnesses.Substance abuse. Nearly 30% of people with substance abuse problems also have major or clinical depression.
Those above are just a few of the reasons why one becomes depressed. I think that even in knowing the real reason for depression, it still will come down to the individual and where they are at in their minds. I know that for me, a sufferer of not only depression but of Bipolar and Turrets, that life comes at me from all angles and it can come on with little or no warning signs. It can take me from the state of smiling and loving life to that place where no one ever truly wants to go. A place that I have heard people say "If he would just ignore it or take control, he doesn't HAVE to be that way." What a statement to make. For many, such as myself, that is like saying "He doesn't have to breathe. He can just get over it." Breathing is a part of living just as Depression is a part of living for me.
Do I want to be in this place of darkness? Do I enjoy being here? Is it alright to feel this way!?? The answer to all of those questions is "Hell NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I do NOT want to be in this place and I do not enjoy it and NO,it is certainly NOT alright to be this way. Medications don't work for me. Therapy helps a bit if you get the right person that is willing to listen and give ideas on what might help to lessen or slow down the depressive state of mind in which one may find themselves. It is a hard row to hoe and the bad that creeps up on me takes me to the darkest side of the world. I feel as if I have faulted people in some way. I feel as if I have no worth and that the only thing I am good at or for is hurting someone. That by knowing me and caring for me, you are setting yourself up for a hurt.
Today, this moment as I type furiously {a symptom of the disorders}i am there. I feel inside I have hurt some people today. I feel I have caused them to leave me and there is little or nothing anyone could say that would change my thinking right now. I think of My Sheila and the suffering she lived through every day and wonder why I could not be as strong as she was. Only her unconditional love for me allowed us to stay as one even though I hurt her in such a bad way. I pray God can forgive me for that one. The feeling of wondering what purpose I even serve being here on earth escapes me today. Though I am sure it is out there, I certainly do NOT feel it nor see it any where nearby. tears flow as I miss My Sheila and as I think about all i have done that caused her heart to hurt and perhaps...and yes I do go here, maybe caused her to feel it was time or alright to move on to Heaven. I cry for the friends I caused to go away or stop talking because my attitude was anything but good or helpful.
To go away today and just not come back??? If not for my daughters and my parents, perhaps I would opt for a different place of being or not being. This is the world I live in. This is the state of mind in which books are written and ideas are born. Scary to think that the farther into the Abyss I fall, the better the novel I kick out for others to read. This world of mine, filled with sadness from which I have no clue where it came from, is a place I am far to familiar with. Will my writing here scare you away? Will it cause you to look at me now in a totally different way? Am I in fact tainted goods in your eyes now? Trust in me when i tell you that MY mind has all of these questions today.Thank God that still have my daughters and that there are still things I want to do in this life. To cut another Cd, to write that best selling novel some day. To see my daughters both happy and with someone that will treat them good and make them happy the rest of their lives. For them to know the love I knew with My Sheila. Those things help to keep me grounded for today, for this moment in time.
Love me, stand with me... even give of yourself to me. But know that this is the world I live in. This is where, just because I blinked, I was knocked into an Abyss of sadness that scares the hell right out of me. Forgive me for the way I am and for the inside pain I may or may not have caused you. I wish... I wish so much that I were different. But I am who and what I am. A loving man that would give to you anything i owned and never ask for it back.I would give up my bed for your comfort and ask nothing in return. I would even lay down my life for you if I thought it would help you to live better or longer. A man that loves everyone and gives all he has but can never belong nor be possessed by one person. I need to feel that I can reach out to anyone that is in need of anything I have to give.
For all of my faults, I am a good man...