When Life Changes...

Nothing really new here but my heart talking today. I hope no one minds my sometimes rambling but it is the truth and my life.
What do you do when your life suddenly changes? You are walking along in life and suddenly everything you ever believed changes. What you thought would be your life for the rest of your life is in a flash...Gone! You were going to grow old with the Love of your life. You would watch one another face what challenges and beauty come with growing older together. But in just a moment, you are alone. After 25 years, God decided to take My love to heaven. Should this have been unexpected? Should i have been more prepared?
She was sick from the first year we were married. Muscular Dystrophy came into our life in a huge way. Her legs and arms weakened to the point she could no longer walk and barely lift her arms. We learned how to walk through this new way of life together. We knew the inside of hospitals better than we knew our own home. We raised two beautiful daughters together, doing our best to lead a normal life for them. They saw their mother in hospital rooms and surrounded by doctors and it became a way of life for us. We ate fast food and took every opportunity to enjoy life and lived it as if she were not ill. Life continued and we had a great life.
Strength comes in many forms and from many experiences. Sadly, sometimes it also is knocked down. And then a disorder takes over me. It sneaks in slowly and only looking back now can I see that it was always there. Little things I did slipped past without hardly a notice. But they were there like little beacons, beacons trying to tell me that there was something not quite right. But when it settled in hard, my whole life changed again. Things that came easy for me no longer simply flowed. Thoughts that came one or two at a time now came 20 or 30 at a time. So fast that I found myself unable to capture just one to sort out.
Now, watching Sheila suffer so as she did, was not just part of our life. It was huge for me and it took me down some hard roads. I cried like a baby whenever she hurt. Emotions I had secured in the way back of my mind no longer were staying there. they rushed forward and made me See everything through the eyes Of what i had always known I was. The eyes of an empathic. Someone that no loner simply Saw the pain but felt it deep inside. I hurt when she hurt and I cried because I could not take her pain away. I held her tight and prayed silent prayers to God to let MY body absorb her hurt, her illness. Give it to me, I prayed! And i cried more... {tomorrow perhaps I will write more. Today, I am flushed.}

FriendsForCash.Com

I was referred to a new site that I have found very exciting. There is so much to do there. It is a very busy site and won't hurt anyone to have a peek. FriendsForCash.com is a very friendly user site that allows you to chat, blog, read, share and even advertise whatever you have to offer for FREE. That is the right price for anyone.
Come on in and have a look. If you like what you see, settle in and enjoy all the features the site offers. It will be worth your time. Please use the URL of mine to join. I would be most appreciative if you would. Go, enjoy and look me up.

Hurt... Is it Live or is it Internet?

Strange title to some I am sure. A little bit reminiscent of that long ago Ella Fitzgerald commercial for memorex tapes. A person had to listen close to see if it was live or taped. As I sit here at 2 a.m., thinking about hurt I have felt off-line and on-line, I thought about questions that I used to see asked in chat rooms that I frequented so much 4 or 5 years ago. I started in a 30's chat-room when I first came on-line. I quickly fell into line with all the other "newbies." There were people from every country in the world at my finger-tips. There was the element of intrigue and secrecy to play with. Never one to understand the element of falsehood, I came in with both barrels, full name and all. I waltzed through the rooms with my charm and smiles and won the hearts of lady after lady. Two or three to talk to was so easy. A very bad place for a man that took the entire world as VERY REAL.
I would see people typing {this was in the days of no "voice chat." Before there was Cheetah-chat and yahoo voice. Those were the days of ICQ and simply typing your thoughts and emotions. People would type "I love you's" and "Meet you here tomorrow night". Words typed in front of me... in my own "PM" box {again before we called them Instant messages they were known as Personal messages} would seem so real to me. People would type how they were so badly hurt and others would type "It's the Internet Stupid... get over it!" Those were words I did not understand. Why was it different? And then the question would pop up again. Is it the same hurt here as in "real life?"
Real life. I would ponder those words and think hard on them. "Can you really be called a cheater if it's on-line?" "Is it really being un-true if it is in cyber-space?" "What harm can a little playing do?" The answers to those questions touches me deeply as I sit here tonight. The reality of this "Internet" is a personal reality for me. The answer to all those questions impacted my life in a huge way. The "just the Internet" statement fell short of truth for me. I almost lost someone that was precious to me for ever because of the "Just Internet." I fell into the life of on-line living. No longer were these people just Internet for me. I woke thinking about the net and my friends and said good-night and kissed ladies and sent them off to their beds every night, while my "real" wife laid in bed, waiting for me. She had no idea how "real" these ladies had become to me. She had no clue that I talked to them in ways meant only to be shared by lovers and husband and wives.
These people were real enough to stir my emotions. Real enough to sway my heart and cause me to want to spend more time with them than with my own family. They were VERY Live and Very real. Cheating was real and tears my beloved cried when I cheated were Very Real. Moving out for a time and almost losing her forever was Real, it was Live! For 20 years, no human contact had ever swayed my emotions nor threatened the sanctuary of our marriage. And then I found the Internet, or perhaps... It found me. Either way, it changed my life forever and caused real tears to flow from the eyes of my beautiful wife and my children. It didn't get more real than that. I didn't have to listen close any more. I didn't have to think about the answer to that question any longer. Was it Live or was it Internet? They are one and the same.
Tears I cry tonight for a hurt that has come to me ARE real and Live. Feelings that cause me to feel sorrow and loneliness are so Live. Voice has been added now and camera's so that the intimacy can grow even deeper are in every home. No longer the "innocent" playing or teasing. The reality of it all comes flooding back to me, here, in the middle of the night or the beginning of the new day, however it is seen. Cyber-life and cyberspace have become the reality of our world now. 31 percent of couples today met on-line. Love affairs that have destroyed marriages are responsible for 26 percent of those break-ups. Children without their mothers or fathers are victims of the Internet life.
Bill Gates, you gave to us technology. You brought the P.C.{personal computer} into our homes. You showed us the fast lane to knowledge and gave simple people the chance to see what the rest of the world saw. And you gave to us infidelity and sneaking around in our own home. You put into every person with a computers hands the ability to hurt others from afar. You opened a door into all of our homes and gave a whole new playground to sickos and petafiles. You brought a whole new meaning to "loving from afar." Is this your legacy or are we simply the victims of our own short-comings.
When you hurt someone on-line with words or actions, remember it's LIVE. When you feel something stirring inside of you as you talk with someone on-line, remember it's LIVE. When the next time you seek fantasy and reality to become one in your world, remember... IT IS LIVE. If you can feel it in "real" life, you can feel it here. Be careful how you touch hearts here. Use the same compassion and respect here as you would if you were face to face with someone. Be kind because you don't know what battle rages on the other side of the screen. But mostly... Always remember one very important fact. IT IS LIVE, It IS Internet. They are one and the same.

A different world...

Depression... I have written about this many times before. Each time, the writing seems to help me tremendously. Today, I have written and i have read and responded to mail so as to write more. But it has had little effect on me. Some days are just like that I guess. Or perhaps it is the different feelings I have stirring and tossing around inside of my head. Thoughts of being less than I should be. Feeling as though I should have been someone. Someone that people would recognize and remember for the rest of their lives. Life goes on every day, just like the saying goes. But I do not think that life and living are the same thing. Just because everything around us moves forward in time and activity does not mean that our minds follow along.
All to often, we are wrapped up in so many things that we can not sort out one single issue and fix it. And so we go on, feeling lost and dis-connected from the rest of the world. The world of depression is a frightening place. It can leave you so far down that it is hard to even concentrate on the simplest things like eating or starting a project.Certainly the Lows are a part of bipolar but I also do not believe that everyone that is depressed is Bipolar.There are things that come with being Bipolar that you do not normally see in a depressive person.
So how do i determine in myself which is happening with me. The depression is a feeling of uncertainty and sadness. It is an emotional state that is more constant though maybe a bit easier to deal with for me. The stable pace of being down allows me to know that it is depression. There is no up and down nor is there a roller coaster to ride on. The stable feeling of being down remains the same.
There is the feeling of sorrow for things i have done that to others seem not so bad. There is the feeling that I have neglected friends and thoughts of those i let slip away. The longing to sit and just write my thoughts is so strong. How does one transfer his thoughts in a way as to allow the reader to know what he is feeling? That is something I pride myself in and yet today, I seem unable to find that place. The place where you look into my mind and my heart and see the sadness that I carry today. The feelings that I have little worth and that those around me struggle to try and understand me. They sit, not knowing whether to hug me or to leave me alone. Depression takes me to places I need not be and I often wander through my days in a state of total confusion and the inability to make the smallest of decisions. To feel as if I would as soon sit and stare as do anything today.
Depression can be helped for many. If you feel as if you are depressed, if you think you are suffering from lows that don't go away, I urge you to seek professional help. Many times, medications or therapy can be very helpful in your journey to find peace inside. Talking, writing, walking with a loved one or alone can sometimes bring you to a place that you can face the issues that have brought you down.
Today, this is my world. A world without any direction or reality that has left so many things undone. Tomorrow perhaps a better world for me. the only way I will know is to stick around and see. My world is one that you may be familiar with. But for me, it is where I live... Always, Darrel

In search of Intelligent Life

Often, while reading the newspaper or watching the news, I wonder where the intelligent life is here on earth. Scholars proclaiming the End Is Near, as near as 2012. People losing their homes and all they possess in a land rich with the proverbial "milk and Honey." Governments falling into ruin and countries and companies needing "bailouts" because they over spent. We, a people of some of most knowledgeable humans on the planet, unable to "balance" a countries checkbook. America's deficit is a number I am not even sure how to say. There are 303+ million people living in the United States. United States — Population: 303,824,640 (July 2008 est.) There has been over 10 Billion dollars paid out in Lottery wins just in the United States.
A man accused of killing 3 people was released from prison because he had been a "nice" prisoner that found reformity in prison. He served 15 of a 35 year sentence. So thankful for his release and so well reformed, he rushed out and within 36 hours had murdered a mother and her infant son for 86.00. A woman, found guilty of killing her newborn, 5 years later was graced with a new baby girl. This one, her boyfriend killed while she sat on the phone, talking to her girlfriend. The child's cries for help went unanswered. The mother was trying to get ex-boyfriend to come party with them.
I sit and listen to these stories and think to myself... "Why do I write fiction Novels? I could just write about the daily happenings in the world." Few things I can conjure up in my head are going to be worse, more suspenseful or any more horrifying than what I read about in the paper every day. People committing suicide because all they ever owned has been lost. Psycho's running around killing for no visible reason at all. Children killing children and adults defending them.
There was a man, if we call him that, who emerged in the 40's. We call him a brutal killer, the Anti-Christ... Hitler. Six million Jews annihilated, simply because he didn't like them. Men who did his bidding without question and a people that watched it happen. Are you shaking your head yet? Why are you shaking your head? Because it is all too hard to believe? Because you know it IS all true and wonder how it happened? Don't feel alone, I am there too. But I ask a simple question again. Where is the intelligent life? With all the vast knowledge we have accumulated over the past several thousand years, how is it we have not figured out how to flip the world over on it's top side again?
303+ million people just in the United States and we have the choice of 3 or 4 to make our leader? The best of the best are questionable at best? Scholars are studied people who know all there is to know about everything I have mentioned here. They study and study and learn as much as can be learned about cultures, the economy, human behavior, daily life and any other subject that exists.I guess as i sit here today, it reminds me a bit of watching a game show. Wheel of Fortune enters my mind and I see the puzzle, 3 letters only on the board. I am saying the answer over and over again. "Why can't you see the answer!!!?? God, are you blind!!!??? But they are not blind at all. The difference is that I am not standing there in front of millions of people, trying to look intelligent and so afraid I will not. There is no pressure on me as I sit in the comfort of my home.
And i wonder then, why can't these "Scholars", our leaders, see what I see? Why can't they see that we already pay taxes so why not take 5 dollars from every family twice a year and apply it ONLY to our deficit? Why can't they see that a man making a billion dollars paying the same taxes as a man making 20 thousand a year doesn't really add up at all? If I pay a dollar on ten then let the billionaire do the same. Where is the intelligent life that missed that one?
Why not draw 20 numbers for the lottery instead of 1? Is that so hard to do? One million split 20 ways is still more than I had yesterday. One person winning 10 million makes little sense to me. 20 people sharing the win does.
She killed her baby? And we let her have another one so she could try it again? He killed a child but he can help make another one, maybe this one will make it to 5 years old this time. We can't mark them with a shirt, a name tag so that when anyone sees them, they will know? Sterilize her so she can't make more babies to kill or be killed? Oh, their rights??? I almost forgot. Where is the intelligent people, thinking, realizing that they gave up their rights when they took the life of an innocent. The same rights they took from that child or that family when they killed them. Hmmmmm???
With all the "intelligent" people we have walking the earth today, some clown from Iowa, U.S.A. can see what they can't see? I wonder. I wonder if they do see it but choose simply NOT to see. Maybe they, like the person on Wheel of Fortune, they can not see it because they are too afraid of looking stupid if they get it wrong. The richest nations in the world going broke? The Donald Trumps of the world getting "bailouts" when the Darrel Day's of the world watch their friends lose everything they ever called their own? Go ahead, shake your head. It's really alright to do. I do it every day. And I wonder to myself, Where is the intelligent life out there? The Einstein's VS the Common person.
A quote from "Calvin and Hobbes" comic says it the best. "The most positive proof that there IS intelligent life "out there" is the fact they have NOT tried to invade our world."

Angels Unaware...

Today I want to talk about "Angels Unaware." There are stories on stories of Angels {defined as messengers} appearing to people in their hours of need. They have come to the sick and poor and the rich and well. The Angels have been described in more fashions than I will go into here. It is completely believable and I think that most people, regardless of their Doctrine, have in some way experienced one somewhere in their lives.
But I want to talk about the ones that Do Not appear to us as an Angel. "People" that walk into our lives at a specific time and are there sometimes for less than a day. Their presences is felt and one can feel the wonder in them as we fellowship with these people. These people are sometimes someone we know, but often they are complete strangers that enter our lives gently. They may come to your lives and after they have touched your soul, simply fade away.
Many times in my life, when I thought that I was at the end of what I could endure, someone would enter my life and cause a stirring in my soul. They have left and years later, finally as I looked back, I could realize that "they" had been sent to me from heaven to help me. I can recall one time, many years ago when Sheila was so very ill. I sat in the far corner of a waiting room, darkened so no one would look at me. I did my very best to conceal my crying and to not draw attention to me. I had gone into the bathroom several times, then thinking i had a grip on it all, walked into Sheila's ICU room, and there, looking at her, barely able to see her face for the tubes and wires and machines, and bawling. Thankful for just a brief moment that she was in a deep coma and could not see me crying.
As I sat in my little corner, softly now crying to myself, a young girl walked over to me and sat down. She didn't say a word but simply took my hand in her tiny hand and held it tight. I told her I was sorry and she said "I know." I felt as if I had known her forever and was unafraid to openly talk about my tears.I told her of the way that Sheila and I used to walk along the lake-shore, hand in hand, smiling and being In Love. I talked of our walks in the woods and of our laughter and joys, like when our daughters were born. We talked about when Sheila first got sick and the first real Hospital stay. A stay that was to begin for us a 24 year trek from hospital room to hospital room. I cried harder as I explained to her that she was in so much pain and that I could not take it away for her. Tubes and beeping machines had become common and hospital rooms were more familiar than our own bedroom. When I finished she simply said to me "and you hurt too." She gave me a tiny heart and said that she knew my heart and my pain. She told me God has hold of Sheila right now and he is talking with her. She was sleeping so he could heal her and that I needed to make myself strong for when she needed me. I asked her if she had family in ICU and she said "Always." I laughed a little and told her I understood but really, I didn't understand at that time. I never saw her again but began to strengthen my heart with faith and trust that Sheila would be fine. I kept the heart and have it to this day.
Sheila woke from her coma after 61 days and 4 weeks later came home again. I never told her of the "Angel" that came to me but I asked her if she remembered anything from the sleep.Sheila told me of the music she heard playing while she was sleeping. She remembered my voice singing to her. She remembered seeing Angels, always around her and thought it was them talking and not me.
Sheila went to heaven 2 and 1/2 years later, after standing tall through so many battles. The strongest woman I ever knew, who had Angels to come to MY rescue in my hours of need. Angels Unaware... come in all shapes and sizes. We had a plant in the house my mother named "the Sheila Plant." It would thrive for ever and ever but when it began to wilt some, my mother would know that Sheila was getting ready to go into the hospital. That plant often allowed us time to regroup and ready ourselves for the next battle. It died on us shortly after she went to heaven. No matter what I did to that silly plant, it was not coming back, nor... was my Sheila. A Plant? Or was it an Angel watching over my home and Sheila and allowing me a little grace period to try and at least prepare myself for whatever was coming our way.
I have one that has called out my name very loudly at times. After a long day of driving my driving becomes an accident waiting to happen. Times when I have suddenly heard my name and woke just in time to avoid hitting a bridge. It is with me every time I am on a long trip.
There are as I said so many stories to tell but I just wanted to tell these today. I am sure you have some of your own to tell and one day, maybe you will share them with me. How i would love that. I hope you have a beautiful life and remember "Quitting is NOT an Option" and it is "Never goodbye, it is simply See you later." Hugssssss to you All. Always, Darrel

A romantic heart

Today I am going to write to you from the romantics heart. A heart that is so different from the man who has never known a heart like this. Not sure if it is a gift or a curse but I do know, it is mine. It is descriptive and colorful. It sees things through different eyes and desires only to make people smile and feel good about themselves and their lives. This heart gives everything they have within themselves even at the cost of their own sanity.
Now understand that this does not mean that people do not have romantic moments in which they take their loved one to a beautiful place for dinner and then spend the evening letting that person know how special they are. That happens every single day. But the romantic heart has "romantic" days and weeks and years. Every song they hear, every time they see a bird or flower, they think "how wonderful it would be to share this." To touch you, it is always a caress and not simply a hand brushing over yours. There is so much of a difference, there truly is. The very thought of someone dear fully engulfs them to the point that their brains simply no longer control them in any way. I really don't know that their brains ever have control. They simply step in for a moment but always the romantic is waiting to step forward as soon as possible.
What about the way the romantic heart sees the world? Is it different from they heart that waits for Valentines day or an Anniversary before they do something special for the one they love? The romantic sees every single day as Valentines Day. There is no reason for waiting. In the beauty of the Spring time, red and blue and purple colors spring forth from the ground, once covered in pure white snow. The flowers causing the romantic to see them as gifts to give to someone they love. The smell of a chimney, smoke rising from it's walls, spreading the fragrance of pine burning in the fireplace through out the air. The warmth we know in sitting in front of the fireplace, our lover in our arms, sipping hot cocoa and feeling love from just a single glance. A kiss that is warm and tender, not harsh or demanding brings out the fever within us and causes us to want to give and give of ourselves. Every color of Autumn, every snowfall, the snow-flakes huge and covering the bare ground, making the worlds seem clean and pure. In both the snow and the the orange and yellows and lightly colored green leaves, rush to the ground and gently change the bareness to what appears to be a carpet of hues that accent all that surrounds it.
The shoreline, racing up to touch your feet, caressing your toes and making you smile a bit. The moon is full and offers itself to you for light. The breeze is slight and gives you reason to hold your lover close to you as you sit on a blanket, sharing the scenery of trees and white caps that light up in the moons beams. A kiss stolen in the night and whisper that says how you feel. The whole world is one huge romance waiting to happen, sharing with your lover the beauty that heaven has painted for you.
The romantic sees a simple walk in the forest as a prelude to an evening of love. This heart believes that everything beautiful was created for the heart to take and make another heart feel wonderful. No Sunrise nor Sunset ever allowed to finish without breathing in the allurement of it's enchanting sight. To rise early and walk through the forest, hand in hand, nature's glowing scene, intoxicating both of your minds with the sense of love and desire. The water gently flows over the rocks, mimicked only in mind by tender love and touching. Soft, slow, never abrasive or harsh in any way, but sweet and soft as the water.
Songs... every song matching an emotion, every emotion brings forth a song. A song played again and again, filling the heart with such a beauty, words spoken that the heart takes and gives to their lover, opening their eyes so they can see how truly beautiful they are. Giving your eyes to her mind so they can see what you see. The romantic heart ALWAYS loving, sometimes more than one. The romantic heart, taking from the world some of it's ugliness and giving back to it, beauty. As one of the most beautiful love songs says "Give her rain and she will find a rainbow, give her thorns and she will find a Rose...... Just see the Love she found in me.
Is this heart a blessing or a curse? The heart that loves everyone and sees wonder and laughter and smiles, even through tears. The one that says "Every single minute of every day is Valentines for me. Every moonlit night created for my use and all the Sunrises and Every single Sunset, made just for me. Made so that I can love many and never let anyone feel as if they are not the most precious Gem in the World. That is the romantic heart. Beautiful!!!!!!!!!

My Novels and Me...

I have been writing for the better part of 35 years. I wrote my first novel when I was 15. We lived in the mountains of British Columbia Canada and so it seemed easy for me to write a novel about just such a family. The story grew as the years passed and I dreamed of maybe one day seeing the novel in print. Many years later, after a move to the States, a stint in the Air Force and marriage to my sweetheart, I began to write again. I started a short story about a ghost and her quest for a final resting place. It was 80 pages and on a whim... o.k. at the insistence of my loving family, I submitted it to a publisher. They read it and sent it back, asking me to please expand it to novel size. I decided to try my writing again.
In between the writing of course was life, children, a wife who was very ill and work. It didn't leave much time for writing so i bought a laptop and began taking it with me when Sheila and I would travel to hospitals far away. She would have sometimes 4 or 5 appointments a day for 3 or 4 days at places like Mayo Clinic in Rochester Mn. I would write while waiting for her at the appointments that were tests, in which I could not be with her. At night, after appointments were done and we had eaten, there was often 12 to 14 hours before her next appointment. I would use the time that she was sleeping or resting after a rough day of extensive tests, to write in the novel. The novel was 3/4's finished when I started writing another novel. A thought had crossed my mind and so away I went with the thought.
I didn't touch "Christine", the original name for Until Death Do We Meet at all while I penned the second Novel, Abduction. Two months later, Abduction was finished and I sent it out to publishers.It was picked up immediately and was published and in bookstores in 8 months. My dream, the one I really wanted to see in print, "Christine" still sat on my desk, unpublished. I decided to submit it and this novel too was picked up and 9 months and a name change later, I held "Until Death Do We Meet" in my hands. What a fantastic feeling that was for me.
Today, i sit here, wondering to myself what it takes to "get the novels read." I do my book signings, which I love so much. Few things are as wonderful as signing a novel of your own for someone that came out just to get your novel. It takes a person to places few can ever imagine. I talk about them and show them off. I make sales but none steady. The novels have never received a bad rating or review. I own all the latest "How to market your book" books and get information from on-line sources to try and boost their sales. Word of mouth they tell me sells and so i talk, talk, talk them up. But today, sitting here, thinking of the two that are finished and waiting to be printed, the one I write in now and one that will surely follow that one. Is there a secret to becoming a number one best seller? IS there a formula that I have not found yet that will open doors and have my novels spoken or, written about by the New York Times? How long before I realize my dream?
I have already been so blessed just in having published two novels. I do know this. I will continue to try and make it all happen. Just some open thoughts from my heart and mind to share with you. I hope you don't mind... And by the way, "The North Wind Calls" still sits on my desk, unpublished. Perhaps one day... Always, Darrel

Just some thoughts...

I sit here tonight, heart uncertain where it wishes to be. I watched a show tonight they made my mind wander. Elvis Presley was featured tonight and an avid fan of the King, of course I watched it. As I watched and listened to those that loved him so, their words were of pure love. Even when they spoke of his short comings, their words were softened and filled with love. His daughter Lisa spoke of her father as the man she knew and remembered. The love was so pure and so complete. Some songs brought tears to my eyes as they touched me personally inside.
My daughter Shannon sat and watched the show with me. I sat and listened to her talk about Elvis. She was raised knowing who he was and hearing his songs and his story through her mother and I. She spoke of the great man he was and how sad it was how he lived and died. He had changed in his years of life and living. He had gained so much weight and he had become so sad and alone. How very sad. But even she spoke of the great man he was and all he had done in his life.
Suddenly it hit me inside like a sledge-hammer. I thought about my life and the life that my daughters had witnessed as they grew up. I began to remember the things we did when they were children. I remembered the times I would close my eyes tight and try to find my two little girls. They would run through the living room and dining room, giggling, yet trying so hard for me not to find them. A sort of "Marco Polo" outside of a pool. I remember being on my knees, crawling around and trying to grab them as they raced by me. The time I dove out to grab one of them, forgetting about the solid Oak door jams, until my head found one solidly. Ouchhhhh! hearing them laugh so hard and doing my best not to show the pain that was now pounding in my head. Laughing so hard and them reaching out and grabbing them both and pulling them down to me and hugging them. I thought about the fishing trips we took so often. There were trips to the Black Hills in South Dakota, camping trips and Sesame Street Live and Concerts we went too. Trips to Omaha to the Henry Dorley Zoo and Minnesota, to the Mall of American.
Then I found myself thinking about the time that things... life, began to change for me. Break-downs, depression and me leaving for a little while. I think about the bipolar setting in deeply and our little family suddenly tossed into a whirl wind of me losing grip on life. The pain I brought to them by my own weaknesses. Those same girls now watching their father cry. Seeing me go through so many times of not coping. Life in every way changed forever for them. Hating myself now and back then for hurting them by not being able to hold myself together. The knowing that I had been responsible for hurting their mother. So many thoughts tore through my heart as I remembered, and I suddenly wondered what would they remember of me. Will they sit and talk about me when I go to heaven in the way that Lisa and Priscilla spoke of Elvis? Will they remember the Zoo and the trips to Mount Rushmore and talk of me in a soft understanding voice. Will their words speak in tones of love and respect and of kindness?
I sit here tonight, tears in my eyes, remembering the befores and the things I have accomplished in this lifetime. Being a good father to them. Always teaching them to share their kindness with others. The deep true love and compassion I had for and with their mother. A two time published author and writing and recording songs for a CD. A strong man that worked his butt off every day and was faithful to his job, but still had time to be a father and show them love. Will they remember the man that woke each day and got 2 little babies dressed, making certain they would see their mommy at the hospital every day, then went to work till midnight, stopped in to see his wife in the hospital again and came home to start the day over again? That same man that kept their meds and everything needed to know about them in his head, tucked up there with 15 meds and the dosages and a medical history as long as ones arm about their mother so no matter when or where , he could make sure she had the very best of medical attention... or will they remember the man that later on had trouble even making a simple decision about buying a cake or ordering a meal?
Will they remember the good things or will they close their eyes at night and remember the weak man that lost his way in life and caused their hearts to hurt because of his ways? Will they find compassion and speak softly and gentle about me or will they only see a man that fought to stay in this world daily and some days could not hardly make it through a day with out crying. Who will they remember? This will be my hearts thoughts as I fall to sleep tonight.Sighssssss... What Legacy will I leave for my daughters? Was I a great father to them? I know I have loved them the very best I could. The two most important people in my life. I wonder what they will remember?????????

Spring does come back...

We have been here before, many times I think. But still I return because sometimes things you heard or knew long ago take time to settle into your mind. Seasons... there are four of them, as you know. I have spoken of how friends come into our lives for a season. they touch our lives, open doors and sometimes come to help us close doors that were otherwise to hard for us to do ourselves. We go through different seasons with them depending on why they are in our lives for that time.
So what is new or different about the seasons today? I was sitting thinking about a friend who has been a part of life throughout the seasons. We shared the Spring-time when feelings were nurtured and fed and we watch the beautiful growth of a friendship. Just like the flowers that sprout forth in the Spring, so did our friendship. Imagine the colors of the tulips if you will. A little snow still covering the ground but melting away day by day as the Sun warms the ground. That friendship was filled with red and blue and purple and yellow. The bright hues bringing color to everything around. The smiles at seeing the friendship grow in the warmth of caring.
Summer broke through next. the searing heat that flowed into the friendship, changing feelings from the warmth of caring to the heat of passion. Nights of hot upon hot, breathing labored and the searing of hearts with just a touch. never wanting it to end and yet seeking shelter sometimes from the sheer heat. Protection of a Sun block, afraid that we might be burned. Knowing there might be pain but venturing out into the heat time and time again, the desires so intense.
Fall... Autumn to some people. The slow down of the heated days and nights. The knowing that the hot days of summer have come to an end. No longer do you run out into the sunshine. Now, we embrace the warm days and enjoy the cooler evenings. not certain how to dress from day to day because some days the days turn cool fast and then heat up for just a moment, as if we are trying to hold on to some of the Summers heat, afraid that winter will come to soon. Fall... a time to sit alone outside on the swing and breathe in the new air. Still, some of Summer lingers within our hearts, but Fall now has taken over. the colors are different and though they are beautiful in their own way, they signify the end of a season and the promise of cold and winter.
Winter, sudden and harsh, breathes it chill down our necks and stings our faces a bit. We cover ourselves a bit more to ward off the cold we know will come. That friendship that blossomed into Sweet Summer and sizzled for us, replaced by a cool breeze that leaves us unsure of where we are to go now. Winter brings on the time that weather often prevents us from seeing those we love each day. plans made that are sometimes cancelled because of too much winter. Wanting that is replaced by the task of keeping the snow from burying us alive. Working so to get rid of the snow that has covered everything beautiful now. Alone with only a cup of coffee to warm us inside. False warmth from the cold that is only kept from touching us by a window. A window that allows us to see and remember what Spring looked like but not to touch it any longer.
So what is different from what I have said before? Why do I add to these Metaphors and Similes I use so often to describe where I am? This morning, as i looked out at the snow and the ice that Winter has brought to us already, i saw a place that the ice melt had opened. I could see the sidewalk and the grass that grows next to it. It reminded me that Spring DOES come back around. There may be new flowers and a new look to what was last Spring. BUT... there are also the familiar tulips that were there last Spring. There is still the caring and the desire to warm the ground around the Tulips so they can come forth. We haven't lost what was ours for the Spring and Summer. It simply is covered by Winters snow. The friendship and caring that we hold in our hearts will emerge with Springs touch. You have had the Winter to rest and think about it. No Spring is the same as the year before. There are new flowers now. Some that blossom from the previous and some that the wind blew in from somewhere else. All awaiting the springs Sun to give them life. Friendships that will always be and caring that will never cease.
Seasons: They come and they go but for certain, they will always be... Always, Darrel.

Give thanks...

I woke this morning a bit disconnected.Not truly lost nor alone, simply feeling out of my time. I watched a bit of the news this morning. Fatal crashes from our icy road conditions, a sick baby girl, whose family is asking for help were the two main topics of the morning. But there was one more that disturbed me and brought back to me thoughts and emotions I had been carrying with me for a week or more. The media was talking about the recession and people were on the Tele talking about how they wondered what they would do for money concerning their kids' presents for birthdays and how much they wished they had NOT spent at Christmas. I sat up and listened closely to one lady say she was going to have to sell off her "200" pairs of shoes she had. A man was talking about his assets and how he would survive the recession by liquidating some of his assets. He felt it important that his children were not deprived of the life style they are used to living.
I suppose another time this would have slipped right by me but today... it did not. Thinking of why their attitudes impacted me so, memories of a book I have been reading came rushing back at me. I do not read so often as when i am writing novels I do not like anothers writing to influence my thoughts. I was in between projects and so I read a book I had read many years ago. The story is about a young German girl and her family that during the Nazi attack on the Jews, took refuge in an Annexe of a warehouse.They lived there for better than two years and this young girl kept a Diary of her daily life, hidden inside the walls of this warehouse. She was a writer at heart and would have become world known for her novels I am certain. She did become renowned through out the entire world but only for her Diary. She didn't even live long enough to see her writing become as famous as her name. I am of course writing about Anne Frank.
Anne Frank... A young girl that came from a well to do family. A young girl whose life was turned inside out but wrote of the good things she learned and how easily she had taken so many things for granted. The sounds of a bird chirping, the smell of fresh air and the feel of rain on her face. Simple things that happen daily and go un-noticed at least half of the time that we ourselves experience them. She lived without food sometimes for days. She lived or I should say survived daily in unsafe, unsanitary, to be honest, unlivable conditions and yet still wrote to "Kitty" her diary, every day. Birthdays came as did Christmas and her gifts were that of sugar and potato's and sprays from a bottle of her mothers perfume. Her nights were plagued with bombs exploding all around and her days with hunger pains and fright that they might be discovered.
They were discovered, more betrayed by someone they knew for 1.24 in American money. The family was taken to Austwitch where Anne saw her friends led into the gas chambers. Anne Frank died in March of 1945 from Typhus. Two months later, the camps were liberated. She never knew that one day, her name would become a household name and that the world would come to know her as if she were their sister.
I sit and think about the people I saw on T.V. The man worried that his family might not have All they were so used to. The woman concerned with birthday gifts for her kids. I hear people complain about how "tough" things are right now and how much they have to cut back on just to survive. I listen and I close my eyes. I pray a prayer of thanks to God for all that I have. I thank him for the food I eat daily. I thank him for the books I read, the things I buy and even the computer I use right now to write this for you. And I think, Rough??? You have not even touched the tip of the Iceberg. The country may in fact be in some "tough" times but if you have a roof over your head and food to feed and fill your tummy, then count those blessings. If you are reading this blog without censorship, if you are eating what you like and going to the church of your choice, then you have not seen "Rough" yet.
The next time you think things are so bad here, stop for a minute and think of Anne and her family. Think about all she DID NOT Have and yet she endured and lived her life as best as she could in that tiny Annexe that was her home for more than two years. She never stopped believing and never stopped writing. And Stop... and thank God for the beauty of freedom that we have. DO not take for granted all that God has given to us. Always, Darrel

No tommorws, just a string of todays.

Tomorrows... though we have no promise of them, they do sometimes come. they come to us until there is simply no more. Our tomorrows are sometimes a gathering of new items, new issues that began just because the night turned to day. Some of them are a carry over from the day before or even the week before. I sit and wonder this morning what we would do if the night and day did NOT separate our yesterdays. What would be our actions if every day was simply a continuation of the moment or hours before.
We wake and hear that saying. "Today is the first day of the rest of your life." But what if it were not? Let's imagine for a minute that it is in fact just a continuing of hours and years. Would we live our lives differently? When I go to sleep at night, I say my prayers and ask God to watch over all of those I hold dear. I ask him to forgive me for any wrong I did during the day. Then I roll over and fall asleep, content that tomorrow is a new day and all that was... is now the past. But in reality, it is just a matter of dark vs. light that separates what we have done in a day. Being content that I have said sorries in my heart and spoken to God about my oop's of the day, I sleep.
This morning I woke up with a different thought process. I remembered what I had done yesterday. I played it out in my mind as if the day had never ended at all. And I saw things differently. That attitude I had for an hour or so, the one that hurt someones feelings, was the only thing gone about it. The hurt I had inflicted was still there. Sleeping had not erased it at all. We take a "nap" in the afternoon when we have the chance. When we wake, we continue with the day or evening where ever we left off. Sleep at night is only a nap exaggerated. It is really just a longer nap, that's all. Still, all that we did yesterday and yester-year is still there.
What transpired in my life, many years ago have made me the man i am today. Had life been different, so then would I have been different.Had I been born to a third world country, my life might have been one of struggles and fears and strife. Had I been born to a millionaires family, certainly I would not be who I am today. And yet, still all that happened to me, no matter what life i lived would still have made me the man I would become. I am bipolar and have turrets and some of the reason is because of events I care not to share here, at this time. But I am who i am not because every day started brand new for me. I am ME because every day did NOT start new. They were simply a continuation of the day before, over and over again. For good or bad, I became me.
Imagine if you will for just a moment that tomorrow did not exist. Imagine that today will be today forever and that you will simply "nap" and then the day will go on, eternally. Would you live a different life? Tomorrows Homework is not due tomorrow, it is due Today!{Often the way my daughters viewed when the best time to tell mom and dad of a massive project they had not yet started. lol} There would not be the "grace" period that we often allow ourselves to finish something. The sorrow we caused someone would not be erased with a nights sleep. We would need to go that person and try to make it right. We could not just brush yesterday off our shoulders and go on.
Would i live my life differently? I would like to think not. I would want to tell myself that I did things exactly as I meant to. But no, that would not be true. I would stay to fix whatever wrong I had done. I would love with more zeal and give of myself more if I wasn't able to say "I will do that TOMORROW!" I would strive harder to do things right so that I did not have to lose momentum trying to fix the previous hours wrongs. I would live life as we should be living it. Living it like there was No Tomorrow.I think we would not take for granted our friends or our loves or what we do with each day.
Today I woke and yesterday was still with me. A yesterday of tears for those not with me any longer. A yesterday of smiles I did not return to someone. A Yesterday of tears I did not share with someone that loves me. Unfinished affairs that now halt my desire to go on to today. "Live today like there is no tomorrow." "Tell someone you love them." Do what you want to do as if today is the ONLY day you have to do it. Bring yesterday along with you as if it were today. Do NOT let anything pass you by that might cause someone to smile. I don't know if today will be the "first" day of the rest of my life but I do know it will be the start of my forever. Hugsss to you all. Always, Darrel

A New year with the same Mind!!!

It is now the New year! 2009. Welcome to 2009... and Welcome to My World.A world where time passes and you watch it happening. A world of personifying the words "net-surfing." A world, My world sub-named "planet Bipolar." This is a place that is partly responsible for causing those that love us grief. They sit, waiting for us, ready to leave for an appointment or to go home or to the store. I sit here this morning, a loved ones worst nightmare, knowing I should be doing wash, making an important phone call, finishing what was started yesterday and needs finishing today. I look at my watch and see the time slip past. The anxiety inside of my body causing me to shake a bit and make my breathing a little faster than it need be.Why don't I just get up and do the things I know will calm me? Why do I watch time go by, allowing myself to get tensed with fear that someone else will do what I am supposed to do, even though I am NOT doing it myself right now? Again I say, welcome to my world.
If you have a loved one that leaves you exactly where I am describing right now, be kind and patient. Yes, I know, sometimes there really isn't time to be patient. Sometimes there are meetings to be at or things to pick up from the store that will close soon. Believe me, you yelling at us and reminding us of things we already know will NOT make us move faster. And if it does, we will be unbearable for the next hour, week maybe even days. My family has adapted the "Oops" strategy. What is that, you asked? That is when We arrive,late, as usual and per my inability to make the decision to leave the house. Late by my watch but a half of am hour EARLY according to the rest of the families watches. Why? Because, "Oops, did we say 1:00 o'clock? We meant to say 1:30." Yes, they give me a false time to be somewhere and My mind doesn't struggle so much to say "Hmmm, is that the correct time or a fake time so we will be there on time?" This really does work and it saves my family a lot of "sorry we are lates."
Understand if you can try that we do not purposefully want to be late. We do not go out of our way to screw up your day.The ability to make a simple decision to leave somewhere, anywhere at the precise time we were planning to is a huge battle for people that are bipolar. I have written of this before. The fact that the Holidays are over and we are most likely coming down from a huge euphoric high, wandering aimlessly into what is sure to be a nasty Low, does not help in any way. So here we sit, all i know needing done today, phone calls that should have been made, laundry still untouched. Anxietic as Hell and yet doing nothing to fix it because... because my brain simply hasn't processed it enough for me act. I will, I assure you.
Why do I write this today? Because this morning I woke up in MY world. A world of confusion and wonder and fear and smiles. A world that is unlike the world most live in. A place that leaves me unable to do a damn thing but sit here and tell you about it all. Hoping that the writing will open my world up enough to where I can function. I write in hopes that in the new year, you will have a better understanding of the loved one you share your life with. trying to give you a heads up so that there need not be cruel things said or anger flared because that loved one simply can not get "moving" as you may have already said to them. Just a little help for you both. Hugsssssss to you all. Always, Darrel

A bitter/sweet New Year...

One day until New Years Eve. I wonder in my mind what each of you will do that night. I think about everything that goes with New years Eve and how we celebrate it each year. A family of tradition, we gather at my mom and dad's house, as we have every year for as long as I can remember. Not drinkers normally, few us of if any will have a mixed drink or wine cooler. But there will be a smoked Turkey and Pinwheels along with a delicious cheese and hamburger dip. There will be potato chips and crackers and black olives and a huge assortment of sweets to nibble on through out the night. We will play some pinochle and board games. The kids will run and play and make noise to try their best to drown out the laughter and chatter of the adults. They will loose that battle as they do every year.
This year, there will be new faces as marriages have happened and babies were born and new relationships have begun. All of these faces will gather at Mom and Dad's and we will watch the Ball go down on the television. The count down will be called out by those that have not fallen asleep waiting for 2008 to become 2009. We will all hug and smile and wish each other the best of everything in the coming year. And I will have before then, found a few moments, locked in a bathroom or outside smoking a cigarette, thinking and remembering. I will say a silent prayer that God keeps watch over fools and children. I will ask him to set angels in every car that is driven by someone that forgot we don't drink and drive. I will think about those loved ones that are no longer with us. About the kiss I felt on my lips every New Years Eve for 25 years and i will try so hard to remember that touch. I will cry alone so that it doesn't effect anyone elses celebration. I will try as i do every year to remember what her voice sounds like. I will wonder why she had to go to heaven instead of staying here with me. I still needed her and still depended on this beautiful lady. A lady, stronger in her wheelchair and filled with pain then I was standing and without that pain.
I will bring in this new year, 2009, with family and friends and will laugh and smile and wonder, like everyone, what the year will bring. Will i finally see that #1 best seller with my name on it? Will i get a letter from a record publisher saying they want to buy my songs? Will we travel a little and will fishing be better this year. And I will thank God for the blessings of the year past and the blessings that will come. Knowing I have my parents still with me. They celebrate 75 years of life and 57 years of marriage. What a wonderful blessing that is. My family close by and more love than any one man ever deserved, especially this one.
I pray the best of the new year to each and every one of you. God Bless and keep you all safe. Always, Darrel

nothing to write about....

Have you ever sat down, wanted sooo badly to write, even felt it inside of you but simply could not settle on anything solid enough to write? Welcome to my world this morning. We are not talking about minutes of think time. Not even just an Hour. I drug my butt out of bed at 5 a.m. and it is now nearly 9:30. And guess what... I have not written a single thing.
There is so much that could be written about. I thought about family and where they truly fit into my life. My mother and father, both 76 and still with us. That in itself would be worth writing about. the blessings I have received because they have been so many years in my life. The love that was shown me by them I am sure has saved me from so places I could have gone as I grew up. Even today, things they taught me about being kind and thinking before speaking help me in my every day life.
I thought about the religious background that I was so blessed to have been given. Knowing God and having him an active part of my life has without a doubt Saved my life many times. Times when the world seemed to have won and there was little reason for me to travel any further in this life. Times when he placed before me "walks" that I could choose to try or not try. Thinking about that for just a moment causes me to realize that it was many of those very "Walks" and the choices I made that formed the man that writes here for you today. The people that I chose to reach out to when no one else would. The trust that God had in me, to bring into my life people that would not always be able to stand for themselves and so I was blessed to be able to stand For them. Few blessings are more rewarding to the heart than those.
I thought about the eyes I was blessed to be for my brother. Maybe I could write and tell you how wonderful it felt inside to be able to teach a blind brother to climb a tree or run like he had sight. The wonder of his hand on my shoulder and how it could have been a burden or a blessing. I am glad that I chose the latter. Knowing he played baseball and cops and robbers like anyone else would still touches my heart and soul. And i could write how my heart hurts to know that so many years have passed by us and we have spoken perhaps 3 words to one another in the last 15 years. Only the memories for me are left and a sadness that we drifted so far away from one another. But no, I might save that for another day.
Maybe I would talk a bit more about My Sheila and the things I learned from her. Somethings you have heard and others... well somethings are just for me and my memories. They way she would wake me each day by setting a cup of coffee by the bed and lighting a cig and setting it in the ashtray for when I got up. The fact, the very knowing that she chose to do these things simply because she loved me so. I could tell you how her illness changed our lives together forever. Maybe how our love found ways to show our love an intimacy when her body was too ill to do more than that.
I might even write about the weather and how bitter cold and the ice storm has limited my abilities to do very much outside. how the smells of fireplaces intoxicated my mind this morning as I drove my daughter to work this a.m. The tree's had that heavy frost on them that is so very beautiful. Talk about the tree branches hanging low to the ground, the weight of the snow pulling them down. A little breeze that bites your face when you go outside. The way the snow lays in piles, looking like the little accessories to a model train set. But no, I won't write about that either. I am brain-locked for a subject to write about that is going to open up and explode and cause You to keep coming back to this site. After all, that is why a write, isn't it? To reach out and touch the world with my words? Too find ways to help you and to give myself some therapy. That is what my writing does for me. Perhaps I could have written a little about that. Told you how writing gives my soul a release and helps to keep my mind in check. But once again, no.
So I guess I will just not write about anything right now. Maybe something will come to me and then... I will write. Smilesssssssssss