Sunday, April 20, 2008

Things I know about Tears in the night.

Silent moments often bring on silent memories. Memories from the past that are ever with us but are at times stirred by a sound, a smell, just a minutes thinking to long.With these memories many times come tears. IS it alright to cry? Is it o.k. for a "man" to shed tears? Well, if it is not then I guess I will have to face whatever stereotyped thoughts some may have. Nothing someone thinks will change the tears I cry in the night. After 23 years of loving and standing beside My Love, I think I earned a few. And as a bonus, crying has been found to be a healthy and often needed release of built up tensions and emotions. No, I don't go stand on the street corner and bawl my eyes out. Grandstand tears are meaningless and show no true sadness to me. But I guess I am getting away from my purpose for writing at 2 a.m.
There are so many reasons why I cry in my nights. Most I think you may relate too. I lay in my bed at night and I remember talking with My Love about tomorrow. We talked about our yesterdays and plans for the weekend. We laughed sometimes, we smiled a lot and yes... we made love. Did I tell her how much she meant to me? Did I hold her in a way that she knew? I lay in my bed at night and I talk to her just like I would if she were physically laying beside me. I ask her things that I am having trouble figuring out and wait for an answer.
What brings these things on? What makes them so powerful some nights. Perhaps events of the day or things that you heard or felt. The questions you ask seem silly at times but when they were asked... they seemed very right. My question tonight was... When do you just quit "reaching for the stars?" Ever ask yourself that question? I do. I had been playing my guitar and singing with my daughter and family. It is something I enjoy doing so much and can do for hours. My daughter had to work in the early morning. I knew this and understand her need for sleep. Something I require almost none of. She excused herself and others said they too wanted to sleep. I still had song inside of me. I was not ready to just stop. And then it hit me. Suddenly I was flooded with memories of when Sheila was here. I remembered the excitement of when I was cutting my CD. I remember how happy and proud she was of me when it was finished and we listened to it together. She would sit for hours, even tired, and just listen to me play and my heart would swell so big.
And of course, one memory begets another and I was remembering when my first novel was published. The excitement and the smiles as we opened it and read D.R.Day on the cover 100 times. She was so proud of me. My second novel was no different for her. She hugged and smiled and hugged me some more. She was my greatest fan even I think sometimes when what I did wasn't so grand. I remembered it all and the emotions flooded my soul. I wondered who I share my next novel with? Who will fill my heart with the love and happiness that she did. And the tears began.
I put my guitar away and just thought. Tears in the night are something I am familiar with. Falling asleep on a damp pillow is nothing I am a stranger to. The reasons are not new to me and I do not feel silly for crying them. What I do feel is this. Do you keep dreaming your dreams? Do you continue to "reach for the stars" when one of the stars is the very love you did it all for? Tonight, I will cry more when I sleep. I will talk with Sheila about the things we did and dreamed of doing.
Is it alright to cry in the night? If it isn't then I am doing wrong because tonight... I will cry for her. For her and for the way she sat and listened tirelessly as I sang my songs...


Unknown said...

I think writing is your catharsis. I am glad you put in writing how you feel. I think it is healthy. Just the act of putting your thoughts to paper lets a little pain out. Thank you for your nice words on my recommendation. That meant a lot to me. Love

Darrel said...

thank you for reading this and for always having kind and encouraging words for me. It is the better alternative to my other ways of releasing pain or sorrow from myself. Hugs to you my dear friend. And I meant every word in your recommendation. Always I am JASA.. Darrel


You and Sheila were (are) so blessed to know such great love! Cry, laugh, yell, cheer...acknowledge every emotion that overtakes you! You do not need to defend yourself against anyone! But you already know that. :)

Darrel said...

I want to thank you for such precious words Susan. They are so true and I know the blessings I was given just by being part of Sheila and She... part of me.

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