Tis the Season to Be... Spinning out of control????

I look out the window and watch the rain falling steadily down to the street. It shows no sign of stopping and I wonder when it will turn to ice. the cold doesn't really effect me as much as the knowledge that soon, we will be stuck in the house due to Old Man Winter settling in. I think about the long winter and everything that comes with it. My mind is racing and thoughts are nearly impossible to grab and deal with. I shake my head and know that it is That time of year again. A time that leaves my mind and body filled with emotions and thoughts and fears.
 Most that read my blogs know that I am Bipolar2. Some know that I also suffer from Tourettes. I maintain and lead a fairly normal life with the exception of a need to "wander" when in a store or out doing things. Some look at me and others like me as freaks. there are those that fear us, as though we may attack them or cause some kind of harm to them. Believe me when I say we are far more dangerous to our own selves then to anyone around us. Life is a maze that we struggle through daily. Those that we love and trust, extremely few and far, help to keep us grounded.
 Is this blog about being bipolar? Not really. I simply add my disorders as a means of understanding for you. At least, I hope it helps you in some way. This blog is about the time of year that is here. For me and I suspect many, whether bipolar or not, this is a very Bitter-sweet time of the year. It splits us right down the center and leaves us with highs and lows that travel through our minds like a raging Bull. It causes me to go from euphorically happy and energized to complete depression of the frightening kind. My loved ones watch me closer. My therapist waits expectantly for the depression to raise and lower and cause me to feel like a piece of Silly Putty, being pulled from one end to another.
 I think, as I write this, that I will not be alone in the way I feel inside this season. I am Not the only one that feels this way. I am Not the only one that can't decide if they are happy or sad at the approaching season and the Holidays it brings with it. Ahhhhhhh, there... the word finally emerged. It is not only the cold and ice and rain and snow that brings me to where I am. There are Holidays, one only 3 days away, that also cause the highs and lows. The holidays bring on fears and memories that make my head shake, in the most literal way. There is the coming together of family and friends. Something I love and look forward to anytime we can get together. Anddddd, there is that "OMG" fear that there will be a group and it will be crowded and "will I do something to draw attention to my disorders!!??" 
 The holidays are so beautiful and Christmas is easily my favorite time of the year. But! The stores are packed with people. People that do not understand my issues. People that would view my ticks and small out-bursts as something to fear or shun. What is not understood is normally feared. I know I have to go into the stores to get what I need. O know that there Will be a moment or two that I become a bit lost and seek out a place that seems safe and I Will sit there, hoping that  someone I love walks by and finds me.  I may even cry while walking through the store. Not something I Want to do. Something that just happens. It may be because I saw something beautiful that touched my heart and so I cry. It might be seeing something that takes me back to when My Sheila was with me and we walked though the store, laughing and smiling and loving one another.{I miss her.} Or maybe, just maybe, it was nothing at all except that the people and the store and the season have suddenly over whelmed me and I just cry. So many thoughts. So many to worry about and love and try to be there for, knowing in my soul that I have NOT been. Guilt that can not be measured and more than it can be imagined. You really have to walk through it, literally.
 This is my life. This is how I walk through life every single day of my life. Some very good days filled with love and smiles. Some days not so happy, filled with sadness and an aloneness that completely engulfs you and tries to smother the life out of you. What ever the day may be like, I walk through it with the hope that I will win another battle. Not the war. I don't ask to win the war that day. I simply pray that I can defeat the enemy that is mine. An enemy that is invisible to the rest of the world, making it impossible to explain or give reason for my actions.
 The Holidays. A time for joy and laughter and smiles. A time for fear and sadness and a deep depression that kicks my butt in ways most can not even imagine. I am there. I am half dizzy because my mind is spinning so fast. This can be a very, very long season...