Saturday, December 11, 2010

This is Me, Uncovered...

  I began a bit earlier responding to my nephews comments on the blog before this one. As I began to write, I realized two things. First, I am not known as the long-winded responder here on line for no reason. I am exactly that. My responses sometimes look more like "short stories" than simply replies to a comment. To some that is a good thing and to others... well. I stopped my reply to Joshua and decided to write it here instead. I found that I had more to say than perhaps should be in a comment section. Thank you Josh for writing and allowing me the chance to do what I love to do. That is, to write. Though I am responding to Joshua's comments, I believe that many can feel and understand the words here.
 Joshua, I too am glad you found your way here though I will say again, it is with an amount of uncertainties still, for now at least. I am extremely open in my writings here and endeavour to reach out and touch lives. Lives that sometimes believe they are very alone in the many things they experience on a daily basis.  Far too often, a soul becomes lost simply based on the feeling of being odd or a freak because of some of the issues they must deal with daily. Fears that are very real. They all have the ability to separate people from others in an attempt to conceal the issues they do not want the world, especially family, to know they suffer from. How sad that there are more families than you might even want to believe that refuse to believe or acknowledge that someone they love may indeed suffer from a disorder such as bipolar or Tourettes or that they may be Manic. A denial that normally comes from something so simple as not understanding. And as I am known to say often, that which is unknown or not understood is either feared or shunned by those not inflicted.
 Far too often, that soul becomes lost simply because the very ones they love refused to listen to the issues they must deal with daily. Not knowing always if there is somewhere, someone to turn to that will listen. They Know God is Always there as I truly do know. But sometimes the soul yearns for a more human touch of the heart to show them they are not so different, not experiencing things that many others in this world do, each and every day. There are so many different forms of depressions and mental disorders today but most, if not all of them have one thing in common. They leave the inflicted feeling very alone and sometimes even ashamed that they can not always fight these issues.
 I said earlier that I was glad that Joshua had found my site but not without some fear or uncertainties. In reading more and more of my blogs, Josh is going to read things about myself that he may not know. He will see sides of my depression and the effects that the Bipolar and Tourettes have on my daily life that I may have been alright with being less known. But he will also see the love and devotion I have to My father in heaven. the faith that I placed in him with My Sheila for 25 years. He will see the Blessings that God has given to me in learning to take the saddest, hardest times of my life and make them lessons to grow by.
 Joshua was responding to a blog concerning the feelings of selfishness when we take time for our selves. Feeling that in taking time for our own selves, we are taking away time that we could have been devoting to someone that truly needed our help. He made some really good points in saying that though it is easier to give of our selves to someone else than to our own selves, if we do not take time for us, then we may not be good for anyone else. The words do ring with truth but often applying those words to our own lives isn't as easy and does not seem as important. Feeling undeserved of the very love and inspiration we strive to have others believe they DO deserve is a way of life for those like me. A thought process that echos over and over that We are not here to make our selves feel good but to reach out to those that feel alone or lost or different.
 A song rings in my ear that I have loved for as long as I can remember hearing it. Bless the Beasts and The Children. {Karen Carpenter sang it beautifully} It says to bless the beasts and the children for they have no voice or choice. Give them warmth when darkness surrounds them and give them hope and love. That is my true desire and I would do without if it meant another would not. And so it brings us back to the beginning in pondering the thought that if we want to have time to ourselves, are we selfish? Did wanting someone I love very much to Not visit one day leave me marked as cruel and unfeeling? Was the suffering and tears I cried for that day worth the time I Took for myself? Or would it have been better to simply say No to myself and allow the visit?
 These are just some of the things I struggle with daily. This is but a tiny part of what my world is like up close and personal. The fear inside that someone close to me, dear to my heart, will now see things about me that may turn them away. Please readers, do not believe for a moment that a loved one would not do such a thing. If this were not so, then we would have a lot less sad, lonely people that one day simply say "Enough... I can't live in this sadness any longer" and give in to something that can not be undone. God's perfect love is that we turn away no one and yet, still, in this world there are those that are loved more and shunned less by strangers {perhaps Angels Unseen} than by their own family.
 Remember, smile at everyone you see. You have no idea what battle they may be fighting inside. Your smile may be just what they needed to say, "It is worth another day."          


KB said...

I love your long responses, it show you put a lot of thought into them. Smiles back at you sweetie.

Darrel said...

It is a good thing you don't mind. I am for certain a long winded writer. It is my passion. Sales on the novels would for sure help me feel more like the writer I sign my name as. ;) Thank you for always reading and always being near. You are dear to me... Always, Darrel

Magdalen Islands said...

Oh Darrel, I am so sorry... I left a comment and it was here but it is gone now. I'm so if I hurt you.

Magdalen Islands said...

Honestly Darrel, I'm commenting on this post in another dimension I think. Really I can bring both versions up after I close them down.

Darrel said...

How could you ever hurt me, Wynn? You are so dearto me and i am not doubting for a second that you have left comments. Thank you for reading and always being Just A Screen away... Always, Darrel

Josh said...

Sorry that it took me so long to post, Uncle D. I'm glad that you have an outlet for your thoughts...I use a journal to write my thoughts and emotions out and I know that it can be very helpful and therapeutic. I'm sorry too if you feel that you're shunned by people in our family. You're right that some people feel very alone in dealing with disorders such as bipolar. And I hope that these conversations can help me understand what you're going through a little more and maybe you can get a glimpse into my life too.

Going back to our conversation about spending time with others:

"Feeling undeserved of the very love and inspiration we strive to have others believe they DO deserve is a way of life for those like me. A thought process that echos over and over that We are not here to make our selves feel good but to reach out to those that feel alone or lost or different."

I was reading this comment and got a little confused. If you are striving to have others believe they deserve love and inspiration, shouldn't that be evidenced in your own convictions? Why would someone feel like they deserve love if you don't deserve it? I guess my question is, what makes them better in that they deserve what you do not?

And so I reiterate my thought that if you are taking time for yourself and therefore not spending every waking moment with another who might need your help, that's okay.

While God calls us to put others above ourselves, Philippians 2:3-4 says, "Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others." So while we should think of others with humility, it does say to look to your own well as the interests of others.

Wow...I've talked a lot. I hope this makes sense. What do you think?

Darrel said...

Joshua, it does make sense and the truth is, we know it to be true but... Ahhh, there is that "but". Knowing it and living it are so often worlds apart. It IS true that if we do not look after our ownselves than who will do what we do when we are gone. If i stretched the knowledge and wisdom God has instilled in me for longer than a moment for myself, then there would be a balance of giving and receiving. That is a huge IF.

We do what we do because it is our heart and in giving of ourselves, the blessings inside are gihugic. but for now, I will reach out to those that are in need believing in what I often say. "if we first make the descision to help, God will make the provisions we need to do so."
Anytime I have choosen to help someone in need, suddenly there was overtime to cover it or an abundance of food from the garden or what ever was needed to help that family out. We always have and still do plant a garden bigger than we need so there is always extra to share with family or those in need. The unwed others group is a great place to take fresh grown veggies to as the organization then gives the veggies and fruits to needy mothers that are struggling to raise a baby alone.
Giving and care-giving is what I know best and I thank my mom and dad for raising me in the way that they did. I watched them give and open our home and table to many in need. What a precious gift to pass on to your children.

Unknown said...

The point as I see it is knowing that seeing to yourself is one thing, but getting the bi-polar mind to accept that as true is quite another. If it were that easy, (taking advice) the one suffering would be cured. There is much more to this than one can understand. Hang in there dear friend. You have much to celebrate.

Darrel said...

Dearest Susan... your words ring in truth in the fact that IF I could convince this mind that what i give to others is equaaly good for me, perhaps I would not suffer as I do. But then, few understand and fewer believe there is truly any suffering other thsn that which is self inflicted. how sad is that? No one would WANT this or the things that come with it. Believe Me! Thank you for always reading and responding in such openess. Always, D

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