The New Year... what will it bring with it!?!?!?!?

Today I sit alone in a very quiet house. No kids, no sounds except for the purring of my cat George. Yes, George is of course a she. But, enter my little Bipolar brain and just nod that "Of course" nod that tells me you are not at all surprised. I think back to the year that is almost finished with a sense of completion, yet at the same time... with a feeling that so many things did NOT get done. Projects started 100 times over, sometimes with almost the promised look that they Would in fact be completed, but with the knowing that they probably would not.
I have watched all of my girls grow and change in many ways. I have felt things that have Always been, slowly slip away, leaving me with a sense of emptiness. I have been loved more than I am sure I deserve. Time has gotten away from me more often than I have controlled it. Times with my therapist that has helped me more than I can say. And finding a safe place that has finally settled in to my heart and mind, telling me that she will not hurt me or take advantage of the mind set that is "my" little world.
I wonder what this new year will bring to me. I await it with a huge mix of excitement and fear. Excited that I may see my next novels in print. Excited that I may see my oldest two daughters find happiness and true love. The fear of knowing that for every "UP", no matter how high it takes me, there Will be a "Low" to battle. Wondering if I will have the strength to make it through the on-slaught of Lows that will be part of my New Year. And the knowledge that with new things come changes and changes are simply something I do NOT do well with.
This has been a different Christmas for me also. The weather has been a disaster here, truly, since the Spring rains that did not want to stop. And on August 9th, the storm to beat all storms in Eldora struck. Winds so high that the town's meter broke and we were only at 116 miles per hour when it broke. Hailstones so big they took out every window in the house and part of the roof. One, kept for remembering, placed in the freezer, that was the size of a softball. The loss of our pet squirrel due to shock from the storm. Clean-up and new rooves and windows that after over 5 months, is still going on.
December, the month of Christmas... a time for joy and laughter and going to G-ma's and G-pa's for a huge Christmas meal. This year, like so many other things related to the ever changing weather, a winter storm hit us a week before Christmas. Eighteen inches of beautiful but dangerous snow fell on us. Then, Christmas eve and the day before, we were bombarded with Ice!!! Ice and rain and more ice and rain. All roads in and out of Eldora closed to travelers. There would be no Christmas dinner at Mom and Dad's because there was no way to get into their house. A change! Huge and different and hard for me to adjust too. We would have Christmas dinner at home with just my little family. Sitting down and enjoying and knowing that the true reason we got together was to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ and to give thanks for all he has given to us. Perhaps our father in heaven wanted to remind some that Christmas is Not about getting together and exchanging gifts. It is about celebrating his son's birth. No matter where you are or what you are doing, it is still the day we have set aside and called it Jesus' birthday.
Still, fear lies inside of me. A fear that the new year Will be like the year that is almost over. That I will still start a thousand projects, still make a hundred promises, that when they were made, were pure and true and that my heart meant to keep. Life, ever changing, some for the good and some... causing me to go into a massive depression again. I know that I am different in my issues and the disorders that are always a part of my life. I hear of all these people that hide away for days. I know of some that simply can not face anyone nor anything and they find a place to be and simply stay there until their Low has subsided for a time again.
Me!!!??? I have family that relies on me daily for so many things. Children that need their father to be able to reach out and be there for them. I can NOT simply disappear for a day or two. I know in my heart that to be able to do that perhaps would be the worst possible scenario for me. The feeling of worthlessness and of failure, the destruction inside of me that goes on because I KNOW I have not completed so many things, would overwhelm me in such a terrible way. BUSY!!!! That is my savior daily. Parents that taught me that no matter what, you have responsibilities and so where my mind or my heart go, must be always secondary to whatever this sometimes 1000 mile per hour brain of mine takes me. Too much alone time, to few responsibilities would translate for me into "time to atone for me sins." Sins that perhaps do not truly exist except inside of my own mind and heart. Hurting people I love because my mouth says what is on my heart, sometimes too quickly. I want to be that number 1 best selling author. I want to be a good father. I want to be true and good. And I KNOW that if not for the things that keep me Busy, I Would find a place and sit and not move and not speak to anyone except for myself.
Life is strange as it is. It is hard at times and beautiful also. I am loved so sweetly and my "issues" simply noticed and tenderly subsided. And yet, still, there is the sadness that lives inside of me that wants so much to destroy anything that might be finished. Why? Because in finishing something, it can now be assessed and judged or rated. And that... leaves a door open to failure. See the abstract places my mind goes? Feel the sense of dis-connection I must live with? Feel my heart today and know that I want the New Year to be a better year. I want to know the things I dream of. I want to touch the lives that are a part of my very being. I want to have a day that I Do NOT see myself as anything other than a messed up man that is out of place in this world. I want to know Peace.

Merry Christmas with Love... Bipolar and All.

Christmas... A season of joy and family togetherness. A time when people travel miles and miles, their vehicles filled to the brim with packages and food and children squealing and laughing. Thoughts of a huge turkey basting in Grandma's oven and all the trimmings waiting to be devoured by the on-slaught of person after person. Dressing, hot out of the Bird, mashed potatoes with turkey gravy covering them. Sweet potatoes, soaking in brown sugar and marsh mellows with cranberries in a bowl not far away. The relish tray adorned with olives and pickles and celery and carrots and a dip made of cottage cheese, mayo and ranch dressing begging to be eaten. And the Hot buns that will have butter melting inside of them, looking like the perfect place for a slice of the Honey Ham that will be sliced, fresh out of the oven. A house that is filled with all of the aromas that tell us it is Christmas Day. Conversations going every which way and family trying to be part of as many of them as they can at one time.
Listen closely and you can hear Grandma and Grandpa whispering to one another how wonderful it is to have all of their family together again. Each year a blessing just to be still present and well. A prayer being said by all of the children, young and older, telling God we are thankful that his son was born on this day that we celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ. How beautiful a picture that is. A Picture I painted directly from my own Christmas days Past and Present. How could anything so beautiful have a single thing about it that would cause a person to become depressed????
There is a measure of people... 3.5 million to be at least close, that the holidays are very hard for to get through. Life isn't always the same on the outside of ones mind as it is on the inside. depression has a way of finding things to be sad about. Taking all the wonders of the season, analyzing them, picking them apart and finding the things that DID NOT happen or that DID happen that had nothing to do at all with the season. Although many wish that for just one single day, their minds could forget all the past and the things that drag them down, somewhere in the quiet moments, when there is NOT 100 conversations going, thoughts will find their way out and take a person from very, very happy to very sad. Tears without reason will fall and feelings will over take the smiles that were theirs only moments ago. They will find a place to be alone because they don't want... or should I say Can not answer the question of why they are sad when someone asks them. It may be as short lived as a cigarette smoke or as long as the night lasts. It even comes in short spurts and a trip to the restroom can be the difference between happy and sad.
I write this today for the reason that I write most of my posts. I write it so that people know they are not alone in these feelings. I write so they don't feel as if they have ruined everything for the holidays or that Anything that goes wrong on Christmas Day was caused in some way by them. I write to let others know that they are loved and that they simply need to walk away now and then, find a place to be alone and gather their thoughts. Even if just for a moment or two, it will help. I write this today so that someone out there knows that if they have their "safe place" person with them on Christmas Day, it is alright to tell them you are feeling a bit Ummmm, "Abstract" I like to call it. "Disconnected" works wonderfully too. I write this today for people... people JUST LIKE ME. You can get through the Christmas Crazies and enjoy them. All the food and laughter and smiles is there for You too. Take the day a moment at a time and remember, those people love you, even when you don't think you deserve to be loved. God Bless you all and May the Christmas season be bright and beautiful for you. And remember, You are Not alone. Not ever. Someone bigger than you or I has his loving hand on us. Merry Christmas from our home to yours. Always, Darrel