Continueing from Guilt and Regrets...

I spoke of the Guilt that I felt over so many things with Sheila. The inability to watch her hurt as I had for so many years. The needing a place to be where I was able to feel disconnected from all that made me feel guilty. And through it all i learned that a "doorway" or a wall was not ever going to keep those feelings away. My love for her was simply too strong and yet, there I was. The guilt, the hatred of the man I had become and the feelings of unworthiness had taken over where strength had once stood.
And were there regrets in all of this? I might say Are in place of were for that question. My answer of course would be Yes! I have heard something said to me by a million people, including Sheila's Doctor, who happens to be my doctor also. "You gave her 29 more years than the doctors gave her just by loving her." "You made her life more enriched and gave her reason to live and endure all the pain just because you loved her they way you did." "Without you, she would have been in a home or worse." All of these words mean very little when you are Me. Yes, I stayed beside her for 60 days without going home when she was in a coma. Yes, I never once let her feel as if she were too much for me. And YES!!!!!, we lived the life of adventurers and saw the world while living. Ours was a love for all times... the fairytale love that would'nt fade when the last star went out. but did it all pale in the light of where I went?
My regrets were never the life we lived. Regret is defined as a sense of loss, disappointment, dissatisfaction. It is a feeling of sorrow or remorse for a fault or an act one has done. And the strongest definition of Regret is this: {A sense of loss and longing for someone or something gone. A feeling of disappointment or distress about something that one wishes could be different.}
When the Bipolar really took hold of me, though it had been there for a very long, long time, I did things that I can NOT ever now take back. To me, guilt becomes Regret when the things you feel guilty for can no longer be fixed or changed. When My Sheila went to heaven... the chance to make things better, to make a very worng a right again was no longer within my grasp. I could not turn to her anymore and say "I am sorry, My Love." I would never be able to celebrate our 25th anniversary, only 6 months away from the day she went to heaven, the way I had planned in my silly little bipolar mind. I could not LOOK at her and touch her face and say "I love you more than I love life itself."
I told her weeks before she went to heaven, not ever believing she would leave me, that I was still In Love with her. I told her that no matter where I was or what I had done, I was still her man and she would always be my girl. She told me her love was for me only for ever. Oh how I cried that night when i got back to my side of the duplex. I wanted to be all I had failed to be for her. I wanted to never let her think for a moment that my love for her wasn't everything it had always been. But I could not now. I CAN not now! Yesss, I know... She knows. I hear that each and every day too. But it isn't the same.
I regret having needed to live alone as such. I regret not reuniting and living in one single dwelling as man and wife as we had for 20+ years. I regret, as the definition says, that things could not have been made different before she went to heaven. I live with this each and every single minute of my life. How I want to reach out and pull her from heaven... to hold her and tell her how MUCH I miss her and love her. How I am sorry for breaking her heart and hurting her because i was too weak to stand tall sometimes.People looked at us and said "He is such a good man. He is so strong for her and stands by her always. He is such an angel."
They just have to turn it around. She was MY strength, She was the strong one and SHE was such a good woman. She was everything the world thought I was. She was and still remains My Angel. And I REGRET that I can not change what I did now because regret comes in it's strongest form AFTER it is Too late to make a wrong... a right.
And the tears I cried while I wrote this for you, the tears I cry at night for what I can not forgive myself for, perhaps make me just a little bit more worthy...

Things I know about Guilt and Regret...

As I sit here this morning, the sun barely showing itself, thoughts flood my mind. The words Guilt and Regret slammed into my head and I wonder how different they really are. Guilt is defined in brief as "state in which one experiences conflict at having done something that one believes one should not have done (or conversely, having not done something one believes one should have done)." Regret has the meaning of "a feeling of sorrow or remorse for a fault, act, loss or disappointment." It is also a sense of dissatisfaction.
It appears to me that the two words are very much alike and yet when applied to life, they are not so similar. I take you to a lifetime of love and care-giving. A story you have read about before and yet, no matter what I tell you, there always seems to be more to say. It is perhaps impossible to write 24 years of love and life and sickness in a few blogs. Memories that span what was to be forever don't fit so neatly in a write or two. Thoughts that aren't as far away as one would think the years would have made them.
Guilt at doing or not doing something is where my mind often goes these days. Words that may cause the reader to suddenly see me in a different light. If I am anything in my writes and the who I am here, I am honest to perhaps a fault. What I write are not excuses in any way. They are reasons for things that happened. I remember walking into the hospital room where Sheila laid and seeing doctors cutting on her neck. They were doing what I had not yet been educated in yet. No longer able to draw blood as they needed it, they were doing a "cut-down." I freaked and ran in to pull them off of Sheila, only to be pulled outside by orderlies and have the procedure explained to me. Someone was to have stopped me before I entered and failed. Then began the side effects to all the meds she had been on for so long. More cut-downs and infections of the skin that needed lanced and packed. All terribly painful and all so needed for her to live. Watching her as I held her hand, doctors cutting over and over. And then one day it happened... I turned away in tears. No longer able to watch her in pain, I simply lost connection with life. I cried at the thought of taking her in each time this had to be done. More times truly than I care to count for you.
The guilt that riddled my soul because I was no longer the Anchor that she could hold too as I had been for 10 years. Guilt that tore at me and made me feel less and less worthy of this woman's love and trust. A man that now feared seeing the woman he loved being hurt, even if it meant she would live. What man prayed to God to "no longer allow his love to hurt" no matter what the cost? The "adenosine" used to slow her heart when it raced over 200 was just another treatment used to save her life. Injected slowly, it stopped the heart for seconds at a time and then the heart restart in it's normal rhythm. Holding her hand and my breath as I watched her flat line for 6 to 12 seconds was so frightening. She had this procedure done over 50 times before they decided to do a "heart ablation." It worked for 2 weeks and then we were back to where we had been before the operation. Again, guilt because I had such a hard time seeing all of this happen. Where there should have been strength, there were tears. And I live with that guilt even today.
So much had happened that we found a duplex and lived side by side. The doorway connected us always but I found my mind needed to feel as if I were separated from the pain she was in sometimes. I never left her side through 24 years but I did move into my own side. Bipolar crept in and though we bonded more and more with each medical crisis, I felt and feel always that I let My love down. I let God down, who entrusted her life to me. The guilt that comes with it all is something few could understand and fewer will ever know. I pray one day that no one ever have the reason to feel it.
Regret??? How is it the same? How is it different from guilt? I will tell you that in my next write. We were blessed with 24 years of love and cherished memories. But none of it came without some guilt or regrets.

things I know about "white Lies."

White Lies... we tell them weekly, if not daily. There are so many kinds of lies. Some are terrible and used to get us out of trouble. Others are used as a form of covering for a wrong or to avoid chastising.But the one on my mind this morning is the "white lies" as they are known. We tell the for various reasons. We tell our children all about Santa and the Easter Bunny. These are fun things that give our children dreams and excitement. We tell our friends how nice they look or that they don't look so heavy to spare hurting them. We can justify a white lie in almost any situation.
When does a white lie become something more? Is it when we have to add another "white lie" to cover for the first one? Is it when someone finds out we told the lie in the first place? I sit and wonder sometimes. Can't white lies be just another word for deceived? And if it is "justified", will it be considered just a little white lie when we pass on what we did to another friend?
I think about when My Sheila was so sick. Often the doctors would wait until i was in the hallway and they would talk to me there. They would smile and tell Sheila she was doing better and then tell me she was failing. A white lie to save scaring the patient, easily justified by not only the doctor, but by me. But sooner or later, she would need to be told where she really was in her healing. She would then ask how long I knew. Another lie to now save my own butt from being on the line? When would this one end and how many more "white lies" would need to be told?
I think there does come a place where we can become comfortable with telling the "little" white lies. Perhaps even too comfortable. "Do I look fat in this dress?" "Can you tell I am wearing cover-up make-up?" "Hey, what do you think of the pictures my daughter drew me?" The list can go on forever and anyone of those questions answered in any other way than a white lie will probably NOT have a good outcome for the person being asked.
Again I go back to Sheila... her last few hours here on earth. How do you tell the woman you love with all you are that she is not going to be with you come morning? How do you say the words "You are dying, my Love." Does heaven close it's eyes just long enough... does it cover it's ears to give you time to tell her she looks wonderful? I wonder.
I could not look into her eyes and say any of those words. I could not speak them and could barely breathe while thinking about what to say. I stood at her bedside and told her she was just getting sleepy from the meds. I told her she was going to sleep for a while. I wonder now, two years later if all the times I told her she was fine, all the "white lies" I told her so she wouldn't be scared, were in fact justifiable. Why, when just simply saying "You are doing so good" will give hope to someone that thinks there is none, would I say anything but that?
What I know about "little white lies" is this. Wrong or right, and I am sure they lean on the "wrong" side, they are used with all the very best of heart and meant to ease ones suffering or fears. I will take it up with My lord in heaven when the times comes. I think that all is known and that compassion will side with me.

Things I know about "festering"...

Festering/fester... this word has so many meanings. The definition you use depends on where it is applied. Fester can be talking about wounds or a feeling inside that builds up from a thought to anger or hatred. The wound can be a cut or blister that worsens. It can also be a "wound" that is inflicted on the heart and soul.It can come as easily from friends and family as it can from your enemies. The ones that come from loved ones are for certain the ones that cut the deepest. Many times we don't speak our thoughts at the time of the hurt. We imagine that it will simply go away on it's own. But many times it does not go away. It gets tucked down inside of us somewhere and that is where it "Festers." If allowed to remain and get worse it can leave a hole where it laid.
The only way to stop the "festering" from getting worse is to face it up front and personal. Do I have issues that have festered inside of me? Certainly. I would be lieing if I said I did not.It is easy to sit and write the things you need to do to get past the festering inside. There are many support groups that are very good. They can help you through some of the issues that caused the problem. They can help you to find a way to rid yourself of things in your life that truly do not want to hold on to any longer.
Why do I write this today? Because writing is my way of dealing with issues of my heart. Today I went into a local store. As I approached the counter to pay for my drink, my eyes fixated on a tin can. A simple tin can that took me totally by surprise. As I read the outside, I saw it was for a local woman that had been diagnosed with cancer. Now please, don't think me heartless. On the contrary, my heart immediately went out to her family. No one knows better than I do the financial burdens that a or terminal illness can cause to a family. It can be so damaging to anyone. So here I am staring at this can and feeling the tears run down my face in the middle of the store. The clerk had no idea when he said to me, "Yea, it is sad, isn't it? What a terrible situation to be in." I just stood there, still staring.
Twenty some odd years ago, Sheila got sick. So sick she spent more than I want to count right now, nights and months in the hospital. If you have read my blogs, you know the story by now. So where does the festering come in? The can was for donations to try and help this woman's family handle the financial burdens that were already becoming a reality. They needed money to help them with prescriptions and other needs at home. I thought back to all that Sheila's illness brought to us. Never do I nor would I look back and be upset for what happened. Our life was a beautiful one and we learned more about the strength of true love and all it could endure.
In all of that love and all of that learning, there was still undeniably bills that seemed almost not possible. Sheila went through a 1 million dollar policy and then a 350,000 dollar policy. She finally reached a place where she was of course no longer insurable. I have my thoughts on that too but they are for another time. I know there are more people than I can count that have been here and done this. Hospitals calling to say they wanted their money. The 50,000, the 300,000, even the 500,000 thousand dollar they received weren't quite enough. They need that left over 2 or 3 thousand that was ours to pay. I can boldly say that only one hospital over all the years and all the hospitals we were in, and they are many... ever took a moment and cared and said "It appears the balance has been zeroed out. Good luck with your wife, and God Bless." That was the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minnesota. They were wonderful to us and I will forever be grateful to them.
Many times in our life, we struggled just to feed our daughters. We never allowed it to take us down though and I worked good paying jobs that helped us. But still we lost a lot of things trying to keep up with payments. We never gave up and managed to buy a beautiful home and live a very nice life in the country. It took perseverance and a "never say quit" mind set to do these things. Many times in our life we could have used a "can". Many times we looked for help but were unwilling to place a can on a counter. Yes, our life was beautiful and I will never Know a love such as ours again. But to say that we weren't beat down by the financial burdens would simply be a lie.
And I realized as I cried at that counter that "festering" inside of me was an hurt and sorrow because there were things I never gave to my love because hospitals and doctors needed to build a new wing or higher another vice-administrator. I think without the kindness of Mayo and a kind man, we might have never seen the things she and I shared with our daughters. Today, I live a simple life. My wife has since gone to heaven, March 8Th, 2006. Not so long ago, trust me. I wonder what a little thing like a "can" on a counter, collecting for us might have done for our lives.
I don't want this festering anymore. We lived a good life and I knew love beyond what any man deserves to know. And life goes on and we survive somehow. God, family, perseverance. Sheila's saying..."Quitting is never ever an option!"
I placed a 5 dollar bill in the "can" and said a silent prayer for the family.

A site that might be for you... TSEAN

There is a new site in town and it might be just what you are looking for. TSEAN {The Self Esteem Advisory Network}, created by Lisa and Liz is a site made to reach out to people seeking answers to various questions. They offer proffessional as well as personal advice to those trying to find substance and perhaps validation of where they are at in their lives. Emotional Freedom Techniques -- EFT, Migraines, On Being Bipolar and Postpartum Depression & Anxiety are just a few of the catagories that they have open for questions and answers.
Self-esteem, or perhaps I should say the lack of self-esteem is a huge issue today. It is the basis of good health and of bad health as well. Stop in and have a look around. See what they have to offer. I think I might be the place To be one day.

More about Bipolar...

The site in the title here is an excellent source of information. When I open Google and type in Bipolar, I realize how huge this issue is today. I also hear the echo of people saying "everyone seems to be that... We didn't have it when I was a kid. We just "dealt" with it." Hmmm??? Well, dealing with it then was leaping out a window or any number of ways that it was "Dealt" with. Today there are medications to try. There are support groups and medical staff that see the signs and reach out to help. And there is something more. Something I think is the most important growth and aide in the battle of this disorder. There is public AWARENESS! Help in educating those around us of what Bipolar is and what can be done to help. That is what it takes to make ANY subject more visable and better understood.
But what really happens when you are Bipolar? The chemical change is the "cause" for the disorder. You can read about it in the URL's I have here. But truly, the things that happen daily are the real issues. Can it be turned off or cured? There is no known cure for this disorder but there are, as I have said, meds that can sometimes help. Takeing the medical side away, it is the everyday life happenings that make me what I am and dictates how the disorder affects me.
A comment was left that said "I feel so distant to the subject." It isn't like a Rubics Cube in any way. The sides, no matter how you turn them will never match up. There will always be colors that don't match and thoughts that can't be placed in with others. I wake some days and have not a clue what I am going to do. I fight to decide whether I can get out of bed or not. I fear the day that might be coming. Highs that make you smile so big and so long are so frightening because there is ALWAYS a low in equal proportion to deal with. The one you love that is bipolar may at times seem so far away from you that you feel alienated from them. They may be unwilling to talk or seem angry or irritated at you. One of the hardest things to ask you to do is too simply wait for the moment to pass. Don't take it personally because chances are... it isn't meant to be. Just going to the store sometimes can be a manic moment or a "freak out" moment waiting to happen. Sometimes... we are like a child and need to hold your hand or touch your shoulder to feel safe. Tears that come from no-where, outbursts that are aimed at the open air, simply getting in a vehicle and driving to be alone without warning are just some of the things you might see. Wanting to be left alone for hours on end, sleep that is like mine, 2 or 3 hours a day and still feeling filled with energy are some others.
I know there is still so much to say and to open up to you. I think it is important to know all you can know about this disorder if you are to cope daily with a loved one that has this. The more you know, the better equipped you are to help your loved one. You will never know all of it. How can you? We, the ones that suffer it don't even understand it all the time. But we do what we would ask you to do. Try, thats all. Learn the signs that say "Hey, I don't want to be here" or "I don't want to talk about this." Actions like jerking and head shaking are little things to watch for.
If you love them and you are their "safe" place, remember that it took so much of them to feel safe with you. They will trust you unconditionally until you break that trust. And we alwayssss think you might. Paranoia is simply a huge part of this disorder.
How I wish it Could be "turned off" or "cured" but it can't as of yet.So I will deal with it as best as I can for now. I will cling to my "safe place" and pray for my day to be acceptable to me. I will hope in my heart that you don't feel so "distant" to this disorder as you learn more. And I will alwaysssss be loyal and true to your love. I never said "faithful"... but I did say loyal. God Bless you and keep you safe. Darrel

Things i know about being Bipolar...

My first thought is...Do I DARE!!! My second thought is...There are so many people that suffer from this disorder, I might be remiss in Not saying something. It is often over looked by doctors and treated as simple depression or more serious depression. It can bring on more emotions than one could ever imagine. This disorder has the potential to take control of your every thought. there are a lot of medical terms and ways to tell you about this disorder. Sometimes it is nice to get the main thoughts on a disorder from someone who Does know.
I won't go into great detail here today on just how deeply it has effected me. Yes, I said Me, as in myself. I know about it because I suffer from this often frustrating and sometimes crippling disorder. Being diagnosed too many years ago than I care to try and recall, it has many times caused me to shrink back, out of site, away from all that exists. It has led me down roads I would have sworn I would never venture down. And yet, I found myself right in the middle of this disorders worst trials.
Often times, the feelings you will have won't be so different from people who do not suffer from any disorders. They are "normal" feelings and often go away without any lasting complications. I think that everyone goes to sad times now and then. Life just sometimes does us that way. It is the times that do Not go away with time that bring us to look deeper into our symptoms.
The highs and lows that we have become all too familiar. They are very often harder for those that love us to deal with than ourselves. We know them intimately and come to know {most of the time}when we are about to be sideswiped by a nasty low. But to those around us that watch us smile and just as they try to interact, we go to the very farthest other side of happy and they are left standing there wondering what they did to make us sad. Then as suddenly as we were sad, we become happy again. We now have a person with us that is no longer perky because they think they did something. We are ready to smile again and they are not.And so begins a vicious circle of us being upset because we want to smile again and they wont. And,this is all in a matter of minutes quite often. So it is to say that those that love us and we find safety in are very much a victim just as we are.
I find myself content to be alone a lot because I don't have to worry about causing a loved one any grief. Oh but wait... there is the issue of "oh my, now I made them sad because I am not around them." Yes, it is a full swing circle and this is our life.
For some, the meds are a life saver and I say that for those that they are, stay with them. Do what works for you. For those like myself that simply can not make themselves take a med, we will continue to be a worry to our family and doctor, but... we will continue to be. Each of us are the same mind and each of us are different. We seek out what allows us to be as "normal" as we can be in the eyes of those we pass each day. That is sometimes why we go undetected and misdiagnosed so very often because unless someone actually sees us in one of our "mood swings", they will never even know there is an issue.
I think sometimes one of the hardest emotions to deal with is the love issue. I am capable of loving and caring for so many at any one time. And yet I also can turn and walk away at the drop of a hat. To love me is to take a daily chance and hope that I wake tomorrow still wanting or able to be near you or with you. Perhaps this is only me but I somehow doubt that. The love is truer than any you will know and I never stop loving even if I have to move on in my mind.
Yes, if a person hurts or kills someone or does anything to catch the medias eyes and they are bipolar or suffer from turrets too as I do, the world seems to need to place a special emphasis on that. Not all killers or people with mind issues are bipolar and not all bipolars are killers or harmful to others. It only places a scared or "oh my God, they are..." image in the worlds minds when they exploit the fact of the illness. If it IS that important, then when that same person gets to court, treat them with the same thought. Understand them and realize that they are not always able to walk in the rest of societies world. Be kind and patient and you might find that they are the very loyalest friends you will ever know...as long as you don't break their trust.
I hope in my heart of hearts that my words will be encouraging to someone. I hope that I never say anything to cause ones heart to hurt or feel badly. And I will strive to always write words that will place knowledge to help not only those that suffer from this disorder, but also those loved ones that live with it daily. I hope to help others see they are not so alone and not so different. I just felt the desire to write about this today.

The dance...

The nurses used to say "It looks like you are dancing" everytime I lifted Sheila. I would lean forward and she would slip her arms over mine. She would wrap around me and I would wrap around her. Then as I stood, she would come up with me. Sometimes I would steal a hug for a moment before moving her to where ever we were going. I would slowly turn her body around in a circle, our steps learned long ago.And then I would lower her to her chair or be and smile at her. She would smile and say "thanks good lookin'."
It is said that a dance is said to be taking a series of rhythmical steps (and movements) in time to music. Dancing is said to be movements, rhythmically usually to music, using prescribed or improvised steps and gestures. The improvised edition I think was hers and mine. Each lift was different and we would adjust to meet the need at the time. We certainly danced in our own way. And as for the music, the love we shared and the laughter and smiles were our music. It played loud and clear for us. No one else needed to hear it. It was OURS.
And Love... Love was so strong and was such a part of our everything. It has so many beautiful thing about it. Funny thing...Love. It is a word that personifies all that we search for in our lives. Men have killed for it, women have died from the lack of it. It is an emotion, a way of life, a weapon and need. Love also can be the most elated, sensual feeling one can ever have. Ahhhhh, but it can also tear your into pieces and strip your mind of all common sense.
When you fall in Love, it is the beautiful feeling you will ever know. The sky is bluer and the grass greener. The nights are better and the days filled with dreams of the night. You will forget appointments and eating and anything else that might take your thoughts away from this special love you have found.
But one thing else comes with this unconditional Love you have found. A chance. A chance that one day this love that is everything to you and the very reason you get out of bed every day could one day go away. The chance that YOU will be the one left behind to finish out your life, without her/him.
I know about this chance because I took it. I fell madly in Love with My Angel, who for 23 years fought the most courgeous battle against Muscular Dystrophy and heart disease. This love that was the world to me was suddenly taken to heaven on March 8th, 2006. Yes, two years ago this day. She fought and won so many battles and she did it with grace and courage. never ever was the option of quitting allowed in her vocabulary. Our love was a rare love and it was and is cherished then and today.
I will cry another million tears today for the loss of her being here. I will smile a billion smiles as I remember all the things we shared in this life. I will hold her in my heart and my memories until the day I can be reunited with her in heaven. Just know this... the deeper the In Love, the more pain and sorrow and loss of even your ownself comes with it. But then as the song says, "and now i am glad i didnt know the way it all would end, the way it was gonna go... My life was better left to "Chance", I could have missed the pain... But then I would have had to miss the "Dance."

Things I know about time...

Time... There are so many definitions of the word. The clock time, the time we leave, the time we are born, the time as in clocking a horse or a runner. But today I will talk about the passage of time. Time doesn't stop for anyone. I learned that on the day that Sheila was going away to heaven. She had been in the hospital for over a month. They told me she wouldn't come home for a long time. Then suddenly, the doctors told me to take her home. Too elated to question, I lifted her into the van and smiled. My love was coming home with me and that was all that mattered. I had learned to clean her trache so that I could have her home. Eight days she was home with us. Time was forever again. We laughed, we talked and never once did I imagine what the eighth would bring.
On the morning of the 7th of March, 2006 she woke and said she didnt feel right. We rushed her to the hospital where she was given morphiene to aide with the pain. I waited for her to say she felt better, waited for what seemed like forever. She and I spent the next 6 hours watching doctors come and go. She was in and out of consciosness. Time moved slow for me and I wondered what was going to happen to her. She was taken to emergency surgery and that TIME was too fast for me. What was to take hours took but a few short minutes. The surgeon came to me and said she had only hours to live. My Angel was not going to be with me when morning came.
Begging the doctors to make her live was not going to ever come true. I waited alone, waiting for my daughter to arrive. I wished with all of my heart that time could stop for just a little while. It did not stop. Each minute that ticked away was one less minute I would have with the love of my life. Sitting beside her, crying as I tried hard not to let her see my tears, I realized that time was going to continue on. At two a.m. I sat down beside her. At 4:36 a.m. she went to heaven. This beautiful lady that had fought so hard for 24 years to live, was now safe in heaven. No more tears, no more pain, no more in a wheelchair.
Time... I am told that it heals. I am told that with just some patience and the passage of time, I will be better. What I know about time is this. Sometimes only the clocks move forward. Sometimes only the months on the calendar change. And sometimes, only the New Year makes it another year gone by. Life does go on as they say it will. You realize one day that time never stopped at all, even though you could have sworn it must have. That night... I wanted the clocks to stop so that her two hours were forever. Again, they did not.
A different write perhaps for me today. The approaching 2 year mark coming to quickly. I am often still there, at 4:30 a.m. on the 8th of March, 2006. So much of me holds to those last moments when I kissed her and whispered "I love you." The moment in time when she whispered back to me "I love you and...I don't hurt anymore." Time stood still for me...

A place of great interest. Gimme...

I want to talk about one other site. A site that belongs to a lady that has been an inspiration to me. She has taught me so many things about creating and filling a blog. She is a horse lover and her site dedicates a portion of itself to them. her love for these beautiful animals is so very evident in what she writes.
Gimme also has a site that shows beautiful jewelry from home to Hong Kong. Her passion for life is seen each time she writes. Her love for life and nature are contagious and she will intoxicate your mind with ideas and thought provoking words.
This lady is also an Oasis in a land of a million miles of internet. She opens the doors to so many sites that pay you to do what you love to do best... Write. Please, if you are looking to expand your knowledge of blog spots looking for your writing, stop in. If you are just looking for a place to relax and enjoy the scenary, this is the place to be. I promise that you wont walk away disapointed. Come on... give it a look. Darrel

A nice place to sit and enjoy the evening...

If you love poetry and are looking for a place to enjoy, I have a site for you. The Poetry written in this site is written with heart and soul. Charlie has the gift of opening her heart and emotions and allowing them to free-fall onto the screen. The images she places with her poems allows the reader to feel the words as well as read them. Her desires and dreams are personified through her words.
Poetry is meant to reach into your heart and bring out feelings and images that cause you to react emotionally. Great poetry takes you into the words and makes you a part of them. Charlie does just that with her poetry here. If you want to feel a poets heart, take a moment and see what she has given to us to share.

Things I know about care-giving and Dignity

When dealing with persons that are wheelchair bound, we can forget that along with loosing the use of their mobility, there is another factor to consider. One that may be more important than the acts you perform daily to help them. What could be more important than caring for them? Allowing them to keep their Dignity is a very important part of care-giving. When my wife was walking, she didn't need to worry if her dress was pulled down or if she was sitting properly. She didn't have to ask to go the restroom or eat dinner or even shower. She was treated with respect and knew her worthness to all that loved her. There are things that even she said she took so much for granted when she could walk.
I, as her husband and care-giver had to also learn along our journey to do things for her in a way that it kept her dignity. I learned by watching and by her gentle teachings. When she needed to go to the bathroom when first disabled, it embarrassed her. She was unsure and very young in our marriage, the trust issue was still in in infancy state. Sometimes I would be doing things and she would need me. Life was crazy for us and time was a luxury we seldom were alloted. I would sometimes sigh or ask her to give me a minute. I would sometimes sound exhausted or "put off." I was after-all new to this also.
One day while she was calling for me to help her, I yelled I was busy. "Hang on a minute!" was my terrible responce. When I "got to her" she sat there silently crying. My heart broke into a billion pieces when I saw what my words had done to her. A guilt I carry with me even today. I took her to the bathroom and lifted her with such care and love. She finished then asked if I had a minute. I assure you, the way I had hurt her assured that I had at least a minute. this is what she said. This... was my first lesson in Dignity for her.
"I often wait until I really can not wait any longer to call you. I do this because I know you are busy trying to care for 2 babies and a wife that can not walk. I do this because I love you and I don't want to put more on you than is already there. But baby, I do this too because it embarresses me to have to ask for help to go to the bathroom. To have you pull my pants down or skirt up makes me feel very vulnerable. You never complain or say a word bt I know it frustrates you as much as it does me. But think of this. How do you feel when you are in a hospital gown and the nurses decide to walk you up and down the aisle? You pull the back shut over and over. You turn beet red if someone sees your butt. That is for a day or two. I live that way every single day. My dignity goes out the window when you have to do those things for me. I just want you to understand that IF I could I would but I can't so I trust in you to be there for me, as you always are."
Through tears that flowe for hours, I heard her words over and over in my head. I thought about how I moved her or how I turned her at night.I thought about the way I lifted her or sat her down. And I began to change the way I did some things. I began to see her as a strong lady, filled with love and caring and the desire to just be respected for who she was. I made sure that she never ever felt like aburden. I helped her with a renewed love and respect that carried us through 100 hospital stays and more doctors office visits than I care to remember. Whatever we did, where ever we went, I made sure that she looked beautiful and was moved and treated with all the dignity she was deserving of. Because of this, she ws able to continue life with respect and dignity.
Over the years, the trust issues of course were settled and the way I conducted my self with her was always with the deepest of love. We were granted 19 more years than the doctors gave her and lived everyone of them as wonderfully and gracefully as we could. What a wonderful teacher she was. The Muscular Dystrophy Assosiation has done many studies on Dignity in their patients. they too have learned that healing comes faster when treatment is given with respect to the patients medical condition and their state of mind.
I have another few things to add to this, but will stop for right now. Thank you for reading this blog.

Things I know about being blessed

Fourty-eight years ago, I came into this world. I was given 24 hours to live and went on to live another approximatley 421,000 more hours so far. We were not rich in money but we were rich in love and family. The fourth born of five children, I was asked to be my brothers eys when I was seven. Through his non-seeing eyes, I learned to describe the world in "living color." I taught him the colors of the world by comparing them to the touch and feel of things around us. Green was the color of a lime flavored Fruit Loop. Red was a potatoe fresh from the oven. Though he could not see the colors, he had things he could relate them too. I was blessed in so many ways to be his eyes and grew up knowing I was blessed. We learned to climb trees together and run as fast as the wind. His left hand never came off of my right shoulder as we raced through life together. I went to summer school with him and was able to help many other kids that were "challenged" in some way. I befriended the nieghbors nobody else wanted to know. We learned together that they were as capable of playing games such as baseball and hide and go seek as any kid was. I know today that I was being prepared for the life my wife and I would share for 24 years.
My family moved to Canada when i was thirteen and we lived many miles back in the mountains. No running water and no electricity but we had 500 acres to explore and grow up around. Though we enjoyed every kind of wildlife you could imagine, one thing was missing. We were to far back to have schooling and I was needed on the ranch. My "traditional" education ceased and I began a new type of learning. I studied everything around me and listened and learned from the adults in my life. If I did not know an answer to a question, I found it. I was determined that I would never be known as "the guy with an 8th grade education." I self taught myself through reading everything I could get my hands on. I made it my personal goal to be able to carry on an intelligient conversation with anyone on any level.
When I was twenty years old, I joined the Air Force. My education was furthered in the four years I served my country. No one ever asked me if I was educated because I learned fast and studied hard. It was while in the Air Force that I met and married my wife of twenty-four years. That was also the time that I realized part of why God had blessed me with the years of working with those that were "challenged." My wife developed Muscular Dystrophy one year after we were married. We had our first child by then and I was working a full time civillian job as a foreman. As my wifes disease progressed, we spent many hours, days, weeks and years in hospital rooms.During a year of total remission, Sheila became pregnant with our second child. Though not planned, we were estatic to learn of the blessing to come. The pregnancy was hard and she spent the better part of 6 months in the hospital under intense medical care. Our daughter was born two months early and weighed only 3.2lbs. She was in the Neo-Natal Unit until she was seven weeks old. I would go up each night after I got off of work at midnight and learn to feed her and care for her. There were special ways to feed her and infant CPR classes to be taken. She would come home on a heart monitor and there were classes to take for that. My wife remained in the hospital for another 5 months after our daughter came home. I would work my night shift job and come home and feed our daughter. I would wake in the night to feed her again and then my parents would wake me when they were leaving for work. I survived on two hours sleep a night for several years. I had two babies, age new born and two years old to care for and my wife to visit each day as well as work. My wife came home and went back into remission for several years. Together we found a way to purchase our first house and live a wonderful life together. We could not have done it without the loving help of my family, that I do know. In spite of all the hurdles in our life, we made our life and our children's life the best it could be. Insurances ran out and renewals denied but we continued to give our girls everything we could. They never knew when we were strapped for money or going without.
We sold our home to move to a smaller town to raise our daughters. The city simply was not a safe place to raise them. We bought a 3 acre property and lived there for almost twenty years. My wife was hospitalized over 35 times in those years but we continued to be a family and to love our daughters and each other beautifully. In those years I wanted so much to write. I had written songs since I was thirteen and written short stories when ever I could. My wife and kids encouraged me too try and publish them and in 2004, my first novel was published. I cut a C.D. the same year of 13 of the 100 songs I had written. Both went on sale and though I didn't become rich in money from them, my life was enriched to know I had become a published author and singer/songwriter. In 2005 my second novel was published and today I wait for novels three and four to be published.
Somewhere in the mix of life and all we had endured, Bipolar set in and I became lost in my ways. Life took many turns for both my wife and I but we remained with one another until March of 2006. The disease she had fought so bravely and so strongly for 23 years had finally taken it's toll on her precious body. After being in a coma for 60 days in 2005 and then again for 30 days in 2006, my wife went to heaven on March 8th, 2006. Loved and missed more than my words could ever convey, I continue to write as she asked me too. I held my novel up to the sky in the Barnes and Noble in the Mall of America and through tears I said, "We did it, Baby. We made it here."
Is there anything that I have accomplished and am really proud of? I have two daughters, one that went on to college at the Le Cordon Bleu in Minneapolis, the other happily married with two sons. Both successful in my heart. I walked with my wife through Hell's fires and back and stayed loving her even unto now. I worked hard for a living and through it all, found a way to educate myself and have two novels published along with a C.D. produced. Never in the 24 years did we sacrifice love our happiness for anything we ever achieved. I guess my answer is in this article. Yes, I did accomplish something I am proud of. Through more tears than you could imagine in a lifetime and struggles that would have destroyed a lesser love, I knew and still know love and life. I have been blessed more than any one man ever deserved and I know that fact. These are just some of the things I have accomplished in my blessed life.I will continue to make accomplishments until the day I am called by the Lord to spend eternity with my Love.

Things i know about song

Sometimes when we are down, we strive for something that will soothe our inner-self. We may go out for a walk, which is of course a wonderful way to help both body and mind. We may visit a friend we haven't spoken too in a long time. But what happens in the case where we just don't want to go outside. The snow is deep, the rain is torrential or maybe... we just want to be alone with our thoughts. What ever your reason may be for staying right in the comforts of your own home, there is something that can help your soul.
Music! Song has been the element of sorries, I love you's, can we be together tonight's and even I hate what you did to me's.Songs have been written about mothers and fathers lovers and sweethearts.They have been written for any scenario you could want to listen to.
The songs you choose may be wild or soft and sweet.But it is truly "music" that soothes the heart. If that is what you are looking for, then I have a wonderful CD for you. It is a collection of 13 of my best songs, written by me. They are easy listening songs about love, life, loss and the words that say "I love you" in the sweetest way. The music is soothing enough that people tell me they use the CD to help their babies sleep. My daughters friends from college all had one of the CD's. They played it while they studied as they said it kept them calm and relaxed.
The CD was such an enjoyment to cut and I love knowing other people are relaxing and enjoying my music as much as I have enjoyed writing them. Contact me through my mail at boogieman_50627@yahoo.com if you really want to relax with some good music.

Things I know about bitter/sweet

Bitter-sweet. Now that is an oxy-moron if I ever saw one. A bit like "colder than Hell" and sometimes just as confusing. But the word is real and it has so many meanings. The one that I am talking about is a feeling, an emotion that comes to us many times in our lives.
As my daughters have grown up, I watched them go from babies to toddlers to teens and on to becoming adults. The excitement in seeing my youngest going off to college to be a chef was "bitter-sweet. Seeing her grab one of her dreams and live it was the sweet in my heart. Knowing it would take her hundreds of miles away from her mother and I was the bitter. Seeing my oldest daughter find the man that would love her unconditionally was the sweet. Knowing she would move away from us was the bitter.
And then there was MY Sheila. The love of my life, who walked through fires with me and never let go of my hand was truly the Most sweetness of my life. So many years of suffering and enduring and yet never ever saying "I quit." Quitting was simply not an option for her. Then came the day that I took her to ER, where we had been a thousand times in our 24 years. Such a long wait to decide what to do. Then emergency surgery and waiting alone in the dark room, wondering what would be the outcome. Hearing her say to me as I was going to smoke, "Wait just another minute or two,o.k.?" Never once even considering the thought she might die. We had been here and done this more times than I could count. She Always came out of it. But not this time.
When the surgeon came out and told me he could not save her, I dropped to the floor, my legs no longer strong enough to bare the weight of such words. I begged him to do more. I told him she was my life. I told him... "I am nothing without her." Words that were no longer strong enough to keep her here with me. The "bitter" reality of it all. Where then does the bitter-sweet lie now? Bitter that she is gone now when i wanted another 24 years with her. Knowing I would have lifted her in and out of bed, in and out of the wheelchair, in and out of the van, just for a little while longer with her. Bitter that that was taken from me.
The sweet? Knowing she no longer needed me to lift her, to carry her, to make her as comfortable as I could. Knowing that, because she was now in heaven with our Father God. The knowing that she no longer hurts and no longer endures all that she did when she was living her on earth.
Bitter-sweet
Such a word seems as if it should not exist, but it does for all of us somewhere in our lives. A word that reminds us that there is always something sweet in the bitter, only though... if we choose to look for it.