things I know about being a stay at home dad

There are so many things I learned about being a stay at home dad. Shannon was born in February, two months early. She weighed just 2lbs. 9 ounces when she came out into this world. She remained in the hospital Neo-Natal Unit for six weeks. Sheila would stay in the hospital for many more months after Shannon was born and came home. I would get up each morning and feed and dress Sam,our two year old daughter. Then we would go up to the hospital where Sheila was and visit her. We would go to the Neo-Natal Unit and the nurses would teach me how to feed and change this tiny baby that was even to small for preemie diapers. I learned how to roll them twice so they didn't hang on Shannon. The nursing staff was wonderful and when Shannon was almost seven weeks old, I brought her home with me to live with my parents and Samantha and I. Sheila remained in the hospital for another 4 months.
Our days now were full. I would get up and feed the girls at seven. We would dress and go to the hospital. Shannon was on an apnea monitor for almost one year until her lungs fully developed. We would spend the day with Sheila, eating our meals at the hospital or fast food and then I would take the girls to my sisters house and go to work at three. I would work until midnight and then swing by the hospital to see Sheila, who had by now spent almost a year in the hospital without coming home. I would get home, {My parents house} and feed Shannon. I would sleep from three a.m. to four a.m. and then wake to feed her again. I would sleep from 5 a.m. until 7 a.m. and then we would start our day again. We lived this life on and off for several years to follow.
How many hats did I have to learn to wear? More than I can count but I know this... Sheila had the tougher job when she was home. I found that my job as a foreman was FAR easier than her job as a "stay at home mom." I had to learn to wear the hat of a Chef. Cooking at least 3 meals a day and really, with snacks and goodies, it was so much more. There was the "fashion" hat, making sure the girls looked nice when they went out. There was the "psychiatry" hat that is worn that enables one to talk about girlfriends that hurt them or boyfriends that might be one day.
Talk about life and love and hurts and smiles. There is of course the friendship hat and the scolding hat to be worn when needed. Sheila cleaned the house and
washed clothes and took care of animals and read stories. There was the "teacher" hat when homework came home and needed to be done.
I had to learn to do all of the things so easily taken advantage of. All I had to do before Sheila went into the hospital and became so sick was go to work and come home. The rest was done by a woman that raised 2 beautiful daughters, took care of the home and became a wife, a Beautiful lover, a best friend and a Mom, while being so sick, took care of me and our daughters in more ways than I ever knew.
This is too All moms and dads that are Stay at home parents. I am writing this to Honor you, appreciate you, and hope that maybe... someone who does NOT know all the things a Mom does at home while we work, will see it and take you out for a well deserved dinner and a movie. Might even get a bubble bath out of it. I hope so...

Things I KNOW about "

As you know, I am Bipolar and suffer from Turrets. The Turrets I deal with fairly well. Roll the windows up now and then and I am good to go. But the Lows come out of no-where and sometimes at the strangest times. They infiltrate a great day and take you from a wonderful high to an instant Low. An example of my words here is this event today.
It was a picture perfect day today. The Sun was shining brightly on this 81 degree Sunday. I spent the morning writing and then when the afternoon began, I found myself outside working on a project in my garage. I was in heaven on earth and enjoying everything about the day. I had a friend at the house and she was outside watching me put a new wheel on a Radio Flyer Wagon. We were laughing and talking and my smiles were as wide as the ocean.
As I stepped out into the full sunlight, it hit me. That terrible Low that takes it all away without warning. No chance to think about it or divert it to another dimension in your mind. No time to process where you are going or where the thoughts might better be sent. What was a beautiful day was still beautiful but now... it was the enemy. How dare I sit and enjoy this day and smile so much! How dare I soak up the Suns rays when they should have been shared with a lady that wasn't here any longer. A beautiful lady that I still wondered if I had done everything i could have to keep her here longer on this earth. Fear and guilt rushed in all around me and I began to remember how much she loved the warmth of the Sun. I remembered how she would sit in her wheelchair and soak up the Sun as we laughed and talked.
Tears streamed down my face and I cried for the love of my life. Oh how i wanted her here with me to spend this glorious day with me. I got lower and lower and felt those all to familiar "ticks" that come with my lows. "Damn me anyways" I said aloud, to no one in particular. I felt my stomach fill with rumbles and my body start to shake inside as well as outside. I knew this would be a bad one.
Thoughts of my self worth and the purpose for my being here on earth became stronger. The tears were now heavy and my body was shaking more and more. I tried to think of other things but the Low was set into motion already. No way was I going to beat this one out. The thoughts were racing around so fast that I was not able to catch just One single thought and work it out. Sad thoughts and happy memories collided inside my head and my heart and I missed Sheila so badly and wished she were right there beside me, holding me, saying all the right things to bring me back to earth. The Low gripped me and I wondered if I really served any purpose here now that Sheila was in heaven and no longer needed me to help her.
Then, as suddenly as it started... it stopped. I was looking at the beautiful day and telling her it was wonderful of her and God to shine heavens best on me. I told her I thought we should go fishing and enjoy the rest of the day together. At the lake I smiled and soaked in the Suns rays again. I caught and kept what was going to be dinner later. I thought about tomorrow and decided I would get out early and do more fishing and see what the day brought to me.
On the way home, again without warning or provocation, I was in tears again.Still worn out from the last session at the garage again, my emotions and physical being felt like I had been horse whipped. Nothing to do with Sheila this time at all. I was thinking of my books and my CD. I wondered if they were good at all as they had not hit the #1 best seller list yet and had a long way to go to do so. I chastised myself for thinking myself anything more than some guy that wrote a book or four and someone decided to publish them. I was angry at myself for thinking I was going to ever be more than what I was now. A 49 year old man that was so deeply bipolar that he couldn't even be in an office of people without freaking. I had to be with someone that was my "Safe Place" just to go to the store sometimes. Just in case this "stuff" hit me in the store and I had to get out of there. I was crying and angry and feeling completely disconnected from the entire world around me. I didn't belong here at all. I was a man out of place with the rest of the people that existed around me. I felt exhausted and lost and cursed the disorder and this "stupid" head of mine. Why couldn't I even have a half of a day that wasn't a roller coaster ride.
And then I said silently to myself... "this IS your world, buddy. This is your day and Lows and highs are part of it, everyday." This is how I live every day and what having Lows and Highs sometimes only minutes apart is like. They wear a body down and yet I sleep only 2 to 3 hours a day because my mind NEVER shuts down. As I walked into the house with fish basket in hand, I murmured aloud "This is it Buddy! Welcome to the wonderful world of being Bipolar. Damn, it wears me out." I laughed and smiled at my own self and enjoyed a fabulous meal of fresh fish.
What do "I" know about the Lows that come with this disorder? I know they are always there. I know they are worse after a great High. I know they kicked my butt sometimes and leave me to worn out to think. I know that being Too worn out to think is NOT a bad thing sometimes. I know some will read this and think "Wow, he's not right in the head. Some will think this looks like a fiction novel. Believe me, it doesn't get any more REAL than this. I do NOT recommend the ride to anyone! But should you find yourself tossed on to the ride without warning, well it is like the weather. Hold on if you don't like the weather, it will change in a minute.
Welcome to My World. Love me, smile or cry with me, walk away because it is too complex, but never feel sorry or pity me. With this illness comes the biggest heart, the best writing mind and the most numerous blessings from the people that love you.
Always, Darrel

More things I know about Bitter/sweet...

Today something happened for the third time and it truly disturbed me. It reopened my thoughts about what might be "bitter/sweet. I was at the store, buying more than I went in there for as usual. My arms were as loaded as they could be and I was balancing a few things to get them to the cashiers counter. Hmmm, perhaps I should tell you about the incident 3 weeks ago first. I was in the checkout lane of our local grocery store.One counter over I could hear the just barely audible sound of a little elderly lady talking to the cashier. She was explaining that she thought she had more money with her but that she had made a mistake. There was Chicken and veggies still left to be paid for or put back. She and her very elderly husband talked amongst each other quietly but I got the drift of it all. They were deciding what they could survive without so they knew what to put back. I turned to the cashier and handed her a 10.00 and told her to bag it all. She asked if I was sure and I nodded. The couple looked at me and asked me too wait for them. My things were checked through and so I nodded and then said quietly "Have a wonderful day and thank you for the blessing." I left before they could catch up to me and never looked back. The incident was forgotten until the same thing happened a week later with a woman I have seen taking cans out of the dumpsters to turn in for cash. I helped her out a bit and then gave her a large bag of pop cans I was going to turn in that day to the recycling station. Again a quiet thank you was said and we parted ways. the incidents were pretty much forgotten until today.
I was in our local Dollar General Store, picking up as I said earlier more than I went in for. How many times have you gone in to get "1" thing and suddenly wished you had a cart? I do it all the time as I did today. When I reached the checkout lane there was a line of people. I was three people back and could not hear the reason why the line was so long. I could see an elderly lady, obviously with sight problems as well as hearing trouble. The cashier stood waiting for what I was later to find out was the manager. The lady with the grocery's sitting on the counter strained to see things in front of her. She had a walker that she used to get around. I want you so badly to be able to see the woman I saw. This was a woman that could have used a helping hand just to get around. As the people in front of me stood and obviously got irritated with the wait I saw the manger show up. The cashier explained that the lady had only 34.00 and that her groceries came to 44.00 She had waited for the lady to choose what would go back on the shelf but she could no longer wait as she had customers waiting.
Now I was looking at what was sitting on the counter waiting to be voided from the total so that the ladies money would be enough. The items were a package of Bologna,Cheese, a loaf of bread, pizza rolls and Dawn dish soap. As I looked at these items and watched the manager getting ready to void the items, I stepped forward. I of course spilled most of my own groceries onto the floor. A kind young woman helped place them on the corner of the counter. I thanked her and then, leaning across the counter I placed a 20.00 on the counter. I told the cashier to bag it all up and she said "are you sure?" Of course I was sure. When the lady saw she had full bags, she asked why. The cashier said "this man paid for them for you" and pointed at me. I hate that as I did not want her to feel as if she owed me anything.
The lady looked at me and said "I don't even know your name? Who are you?" I simply said it was ok and she could take her things home now. She came over and took my hand and said "I want to know your name. I owe you 10.00, sir" I told her it was unimportant and that she owed me nothing. She looked at me and touched my hand once more. She left and the cashier said "That was different." ANDDDDDDD it hit me right there!She didn't see it as Kind. She didn't see it as someone reaching out to help another person. She saw it as "different!" There were 15 people in that store. No one could have stepped forward and helped this lady? They would rather stand in a line and whine about waiting than to have 4 or 5 get together and add a buck each and let her have her few groceries? What people are we that we cant reach out to an elderly woman and help her eat? Are we that small or that distrustful that we think she may be fooling us, as some of them whispered. My response to that was "Well if she is fooling then it is only me that would be out. And if that's the case, then I did what I felt was right and that's all that really matters." No one said a word after that.
I guess I walked away with two feelings again. That "Bitter/sweet" feeling that I was so blessed to be there to help this lady. God knew someone would be there to help her when she went in. And that bitter feeling of what kind of a people really live in this world? Was I born in the wrong time? Will we one day truly be a people that loves one another and assures that not ONE single person... man, woman or child ever goes without or has to be embarrassed by what they do NOT have? I wonder if it is but a place I only imagine. I hope not because if so, then what are we fighting all the time to save here? Just my thoughts...

things i know about Spring

Springtime is not just a time or season. It is truly a frame of mind that brings with it a new, refreshing feeling inside. As the snow begins to melt and the cold winds become warmer, there is a spirit that comes alive in each of us. The now dirty snow that has been shoveled from the roads and stacked in parking lots is replaced by color. The rain comes and washes the remaining remnants of winter away and brings in hues of red and purple and yellow and blue and of course green.
We watch as the bulbs we planted so tenderly last fall become stalks of green leaves. Leaves that hide from us the beautiful flowers that will emerge from them as the suns warmth touches them.We smile at the birds that have come back fly by us upside down and twirling to try and impress a potential mate. The males in their brilliant colors of red and blue and orange strut proudly amongst the available females. The females watching and interacting with them to find that perfect mate.
We ourselves, as the temperature climbs, feel empowered and renewed. The desire to reach out and embrace the warmth and all that springtime offers comes to life within us. The gloomy feeling inside that was a result of the winters grasp on us releases it's hold on our physical and mental attitude. There are screens to wash and windows to clean. The house can be opened and aired out as the suns warmth that now fills our homes replace the stale air of fabricated warmth of our furnaces.
Talk of gardening and what to plant is now our topic of discussion. The cheery sounds outside bring with them a happy feeling inside of our souls.The smell of fresh grass and the fragrance of old limbs and branches that fell prey to the winter being burned fills our nostrils. Squirrels playing tag on the trees outside make us smile and laugh at their antics.
The effect of springtime on our mental health is more than any medicine can do. It gives to us the feeling that we have survived one more winter. Working in our yards or cleaning out the shed out back gives our minds a place to be. Our thoughts are now clear as Spring reaches out from plants and trees and new growth all around us. We have a new view of the days to come and leap out of bed to greet the sunlight. People around us are smiling again and those smiles transfer nicely from one person to another. As more people smile the attitude of the whole Spring filled community begins to take on those life giving smiles. Our entire out look is fresh and new and filled with the anticipation of things to come. Fishing, sailing, hiking, baseball and smells of Bar-B-Que grills saturate our minds and our hearts. Weight carried over from winter now sheds as we walk and run and play games outside with our family. Springtime is mind cleansing, house cleansing, yard cleansing and filled with the splendor of it all.
Last but certainly not least in any way are the hours of sunlight we are now afforded. It is a medical fact that the more sunlight we absorbed, the better our bodies and souls react. In that I mean that when the sun is seen less in the winter, depression sets in for a huge number of people. The longer days of springtime help us to face the days ahead with a better frame of mind. Springtime... Ahhhhhh.

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When it's near "Your" heart...

Are we a flexible people are what? When crime or hard times are happening 1000 miles away, we say... Damn. When someone talks about cloning or doing something totally different from what is the "norm", we say "No Way!" We can be completely "anti" anything at any given time. I am sometimes the worst one for this. I have my thoughts and my convictions and you can't sway me. Or can you!?
Move that crime or the hard times next door or in my home and life and then ask me again how I feel. Let a doctor or Judge turn a rapist or pedophile free, but before he does, tell him he has to let the perp live next door to him. See how slow the paperwork to release becomes.Our thoughts change as well as our willingness to understand why some people are pro this or anti that when it touches our lives personally. I was told from childhood that the Native Americans said "Do not condemn a man until you have walked in his shoes." I believe this to be as strong and true as the "Golden Rule."
I want you to think about an article I read this weekend. It was a recap of a family that had the heart of a monkey placed in their baby girls body in an attempt to save her life. I remember the horrible things people said then and how it was called everything from inhuman to an abomination. And then I thought of my own daughters. I thought too of my Sheila. I was one back then that thought "Oh My God, they are playing God." But I had not walked in that families shoes. It wasn't my baby or my Sheila that laid there in front of me, dieing. If someone would have come to me 2 years ago, as I sat beside my Love and watched the life go out of her and said "We can save her and give her back to you", I would have said "show me how!"
I think of Stem Cell Research and how very adamant I was against anything to do with it at one time. I am not writing to argue the rights or wrongs here. I am merely showing how we can have a change of thoughts or heart when it becomes a reality in our own home and life. I was against the use of such things until someone I love very dearly was saved and her cancer knocked out by Stem Cell Treatment. It made me rethink all I had and open my mind a bit more.
One more such thing that I had other thoughts on and perhaps still do, I think. Cloning. Shhhhhhh, I know, such a naughty word, yet once again I say "bring it inside your own home." To tell me that My Sheila could still be with me today or that one for my daughters would live a longer, better life because they cloned a liver or heart for her would cause me to rethink my inhibitions about this procedure.
My point being here is the fact that our entire outlook on everything we know or think can be changed by simply placing "It always happens to someone else" along side of "It could happen to me or mine." See how your thoughts swirl and your mind goes in a hundred directions. Directions that we so easily say "not mine" to. If I have done nothing else here, I have given you some very interesting reading material in links. And perhaps, I have given you food for thought. I know there is very little that I would not try if it meant making my family live better, healthier. But then... that is just me.

Things I know about Tears in the night.

Silent moments often bring on silent memories. Memories from the past that are ever with us but are at times stirred by a sound, a smell, just a minutes thinking to long.With these memories many times come tears. IS it alright to cry? Is it o.k. for a "man" to shed tears? Well, if it is not then I guess I will have to face whatever stereotyped thoughts some may have. Nothing someone thinks will change the tears I cry in the night. After 23 years of loving and standing beside My Love, I think I earned a few. And as a bonus, crying has been found to be a healthy and often needed release of built up tensions and emotions. No, I don't go stand on the street corner and bawl my eyes out. Grandstand tears are meaningless and show no true sadness to me. But I guess I am getting away from my purpose for writing at 2 a.m.
There are so many reasons why I cry in my nights. Most I think you may relate too. I lay in my bed at night and I remember talking with My Love about tomorrow. We talked about our yesterdays and plans for the weekend. We laughed sometimes, we smiled a lot and yes... we made love. Did I tell her how much she meant to me? Did I hold her in a way that she knew? I lay in my bed at night and I talk to her just like I would if she were physically laying beside me. I ask her things that I am having trouble figuring out and wait for an answer.
What brings these things on? What makes them so powerful some nights. Perhaps events of the day or things that you heard or felt. The questions you ask seem silly at times but when they were asked... they seemed very right. My question tonight was... When do you just quit "reaching for the stars?" Ever ask yourself that question? I do. I had been playing my guitar and singing with my daughter and family. It is something I enjoy doing so much and can do for hours. My daughter had to work in the early morning. I knew this and understand her need for sleep. Something I require almost none of. She excused herself and others said they too wanted to sleep. I still had song inside of me. I was not ready to just stop. And then it hit me. Suddenly I was flooded with memories of when Sheila was here. I remembered the excitement of when I was cutting my CD. I remember how happy and proud she was of me when it was finished and we listened to it together. She would sit for hours, even tired, and just listen to me play and my heart would swell so big.
And of course, one memory begets another and I was remembering when my first novel was published. The excitement and the smiles as we opened it and read D.R.Day on the cover 100 times. She was so proud of me. My second novel was no different for her. She hugged and smiled and hugged me some more. She was my greatest fan even I think sometimes when what I did wasn't so grand. I remembered it all and the emotions flooded my soul. I wondered who I share my next novel with? Who will fill my heart with the love and happiness that she did. And the tears began.
I put my guitar away and just thought. Tears in the night are something I am familiar with. Falling asleep on a damp pillow is nothing I am a stranger to. The reasons are not new to me and I do not feel silly for crying them. What I do feel is this. Do you keep dreaming your dreams? Do you continue to "reach for the stars" when one of the stars is the very love you did it all for? Tonight, I will cry more when I sleep. I will talk with Sheila about the things we did and dreamed of doing.
Is it alright to cry in the night? If it isn't then I am doing wrong because tonight... I will cry for her. For her and for the way she sat and listened tirelessly as I sang my songs...

TokSee IS the place to be...

Once in a while, someone yells to you that they have something you might want. My first thought is... I have enough blogsites, I don't need more workplaces, I know I should run and hide now. This particular lady, dear to my heart was however persistant enough I went and had a look-see. I was impressed. Here was a site sitting on the verge of changing everything we think of the net and communications. A place that is going to dish out not only knowledge and avenues to better ways to communicate, but opportunities to people that will reach millions.
I don't know about you, but I want to be in on the ground breaking so I don't miss my piece of the revelution. Evalution never looked so good. If this seems interesting to you, then have a look for yourself. If there are any questions then I refer you too the dear friend that opened my eyes to Toksee. You can find her at her homesite. Just tell her Darrel sent you.

What's in a name?

I was watching the news today and an old issue came up.The newsman was saying that charges were "pending" against a man charged with molesting a 9 year old. Something about the way it was said tore into me as it always does. This pedophiliac did something that was named wrong. The word pedophilia is absolutely wrongly used concerning creatures that prey on children. It is used in the most non-chalant way in reference to a very Not so non-chalant act.
These predators do NOT like nor do they love children, no matter what their twisted minds may tell them. While it may be fact that most pedophiles are the creation of an act that was done to them, they still are NOT lovers of children. They are sick individuals that bring more sorrow and more pain to a child than most anything else in the world.
There must surely be a name that means "hater of children" though I have searched and searched and have not found it. The only word I could find for a man that "rapes" a little girl was pedophile. The words we use seem to differ when we talk of children and when we talk of adults. When we say a name or ear-mark a certain people {I use the word people loosely}, then we need to make it say what they truly are.
I used the word Rape in my previous paragraph because that is indeed what it is. To use the word "molestation" somehow lessens the horrible act of Rape of a child. When we hear of a man that raped a woman we say "Oh my God, I hope they catch the bastard!" We label him a Rapist and toss him in prison. I say then we call the creature that "Rapes" a child a "SROC". Sexual Predator Of Children. Give them a name that when someone says it, people respond to it in a very aggressive way.
Pedophile? I say call a spade a spade and a sick person a sick person. Don't send them back out to rape another little girl or boy. Do NOT give them the chance to rape or kill another child. We are supposed to be the watchers of these innocent babies. Here! Here is a sign they can tattoo to their forheads for all the world to see. The mark of Cain! "I AM A SPOC! PLEASE DO NOT LET ME NEAR YOUR CHILDREN!"
Don't make it less than what is done to an adult! Don't give them a reason to not receive the same punishment as they would if this were an adult! The child deserves better than that. We are responsible for protecting these children and one way to do that is to lock these {Rapists} up for good.

In Loving memory of a beautiful Lady...

Diane Marie (Currie) Shaffer
NAPLES, FLORIDA; FORMERLY OF HOOKSTOWN
Published: Tuesday, April 15, 2008 8:40 AM EDT
Diane Marie (Currie) Shaffer passed away at 2:15 a.m. Sunday, April 13, 2008, after a six-year battle with brain cancer.
Diane was born May 16, 1958 in Portage, Wisconsin. She lived most of her childhood in Hookstown, Pennsylvania.
She is survived by her husband, Allen Shaffer whom she married January 12, 1976; they have two children, Christopher Shaffer and his wife Lori, and their daughter, Carla Shaffer, all of Carmichaels, Pennsylvania. She is also survived by three grandchildren, Samantha, Logan, and Alexis.

I had a blog set to go this morning but it will wait. Often I hear people say things like "the internet is NOT reality" or "how can someone fall in love over a keyboard?" I have listen to some say "It isn't like they are someone you really know." Marriages that have escalated from online romances says differently. But mine is not a story of marriage but it is one of love and loss. Over the past 12 years, I have been blessed to have met some of the most beautiful, loving people one will ever know. The people on the "other side" of my screen have become household names. They have touched my heart and life as well as my families lives. And a Few knew everything about me and my family and My family knew them.
There was even a very select few that were blessed to share my daily walks with Sheila and comforted both Sheila and I when things seemed at their worst. I speak this morning of one of those people that blessed and shared our lives. Mydaughters have hand made Teddy bears from her. I have pictures and letters and memories that will never be erased from my soul.
NOT REAL? NOT true loving and caring? Then the tears I have shed this morning and still cry as I write this must not be real either. The sadness in the call I received at 5:30 this morning telling me of the death of one of Gods most beautiful ladies maybe wasn't real either. A woman that Sheila and I never met face to face, but she entered our home and life as if she had sat at our dinner table. We spoke each Christmas morning just like we did to our families living right next door. We laughed and cried and she called me and held me in her heart when Sheila went to heaven.Our children knew who each other were and my parents asked how she was as if she were one of their own. She was my friend, my confidante and a blessing that will never be taken from me. My father and my daughters will cry when they hear of her passing. And they will all understand my tears.
This morning I learned that Diane Marie {Currie} Shaffer went to heaven after a 7 year battle with brain cancer. She is survived by her husband Allen, her daughter Carla and her son Chris along with her mother, 2 sisters, one brother, and 3 grandchildren she loved so much. She went peacefully and knew God long before she went to heaven. She has a T-shirt that we gave her sooo many years ago that simply said "SPOOF." She wore it often and knew the words underneath SPOOF were from our hearts. Spoof meaning Special Part Of Our Family. And she is that.
This is a tribute to a special lady that blessed our lives for 11 years. To a lady that found roses amongst thorns and rainbows long before the rain stopped falling. Just a beautiful soul that touched the lives of everyone that knew her. She was a Godsend to our family and we will miss her voice on our machine saying "You know you are there, stop screening before I hurt you." God bless her and her family as she did ours.I am thankful to God for allowing US to share in this very wonderful ladies life. She will be terribly missed and forever remembered.
God bless you Diane. Say hello to My Sheila. You are loved here in this family.

The unseen blessings...

Sometimes, we have a preconceived idea of what a blessing should look like. We think it should be so evident that it nearly slaps us in the face. It should come as a call from our bank saying "oops, we made a mistake and we are depositing 100.00 in your account today." It should look like a car accident that happened where everyone got out of it alive and unscathed. The friend that dropped by right when you thought you could not go one more minute without crying. "Come on, I am going to take you to lunch" and you smile. These are all blessings that at the end of the day, we give thanks to our Father in heaven for them.
But what happens to the unseen blessings? The ones we do not acknowledge at the end of our day. The ones that are there but get covered up by events of the day. It is very often the ones that come gentle or quietly that are the greatest. When we wake in the morning... that IS a blessing. Though we may face adversaries through-out or day, things that make the blessing not so visible, they are still there. The fact that you fought through your entire day should not cover the fact that you DID make it through the day. It is true that had you not woken that morning, you would not have had to deal with any bad issues that came up. Because the truth is, you would not have dealt with them because you would NOT be. You made it and now can lay your head on a pillow. Hmmmmmmmmmm??? You DO have a pillow to lay on. How many times do we count the little things we have because we JUST expect them to be there or happen.
There are so many that do Not have a place to lay their head down So many that do not have food to scrape off into the garbage because they didn't really like it or because they took too much on their second pass at the dinner spread. The unremembered smile of a passerby, the car we never saw coming that missed hitting us. What about the accident I talked about. Maybe this one someone did get hurt but, they lived through it. I know you know most of this. I think sometimes though we need to be reminded to look. It isn't about More blessings to be thankful for. It is about being thankful for the blessings we already have received. That bank mistake that had we had the money in hand before, we would not have had it right when we needed it most.
Blessings don't always jump out at us. They don't always take the form of bells and singing and angels all around us. Sometimes they are quiet and we don't see them until someone points them out to us. We need to see the butterfly, feel the gentle breeze, remember the kind smile of a face we didn't even know.
In closing I will pass on to you a story. My Sheila was always my prayers. I prayed so hard for her to blessed. I asked God nightly to give back to her her health and her legs.I told her so one night as we laid talking. I was angry that God had not heard our prayers. Where were her blessings!!!??? She then, in the beauty that was so very much her, touched my face. She smiled her smile and said this to me. Words that changed my life forever.
"Baby, every time I wake and see your face, I am blessed. Every birthday I celebrate, I celebrate it as a beautiful blessing. When I hear our girls laughing and playing, I know how much I am blessed."
I said, "But Love, you have lost the use of your legs over and over. You have laid in hospital beds for so long. Where is that a blessing?"
"And each time I have, you have held me and sat with me. You have sung songs to me and read 4 books while I was busy being in a coma. Our daughters have walked with us through hell and back and still they are strong and love us totally. As for my legs... I once prayed for God to allow me to raise my children and to be a wife and friend to you. I didn't ask him to heal me totally. If I had, he would have. But he gave to me exactly what I asked of him. You need to see the blessings that are inside sometimes, Love. He answered my prayer just as I ask him to do. You may not always see it because you see me having trouble getting around, but trust me, he has been good to me."
That is what blessings are about. Knowing they are there even if we fail to see them. Hugsss and blessings to you all. Darrel

More things I know about being blessed...

As I sit here and read back on some of my blogs, a question entered my mind.Have I really said what blessings come from the life I lived and continue to live. Life has been hard at times but never bad. There is a huge difference. The gifts given me as I became my brothers eyes were and still are irreplaceable.I learned to really slow down and look at the beauty of God's hands. I was blessed with the gift to see colors and features and be able to transfer them to paper. Yes... my first two novels were hand written as this wonderful gift from Bill Gates wasn't really available when they were written. {smiles} I can look at a house or branch or tree and see a story waiting to be written. I can tell you what a color really looks like or cause you to feel the words I have written. Dan gave me the gift of understanding what a true blessing having sight was. I learned to appreciate everything I saw and pass it on to whomever would listen or needed to hear it.
The time I spent as a child, my father half scared to answer the door... he was never who might be at the door. What challenge the kid at the door was going to have. Deaf, blind, mentally challenged, crippled. They all came to my door because they knew that they were accepted exactly the way they were, by me and my family. The gifts they brought to me were compassion and the learning that Pity was not going to ever be a word in my vocabulary. They taught me endurance and to accept life as it came and do the best you could always. They showed me that you could be a winner no matter what life handed you. THAT IS still a huge blessing and has maybe kept me here on Earth a time or two.
The greatest gift came in the form of a love that was and still is beautiful. She was my Angel on earth before she became my Angel in heaven. She taught me that love had no boundaries and that unconditional love was exactly that. Every time I lifted her to move her, each time I layed her in bed and turned her until she was comfortable enough to sleep, she blessed me. She loved me long after I lost connection with the real world. She trusted me enough to never fear i would hurt her when I lifted her and loved me enough to forgive when I did. And yes, i dropped her a couple of times. Actually I know the exact amount of times but it is irrelevant here. When she woke from her comas after 60 days and 30 days, she looked around to see me and I was there. Her smile was a blessing and gave me reason to always and forever love her with my heart and soul. She taught me that quitting was Not ever an option and that has for certain kept me here on earth times I wanted NOT to be.
All of these blessings I have kept with me and utilized them to give back to others and bless those around me while being blessed back. My writing and my novels all reflect the gifts I have been given and I know they will carry me through every low that comes to me. I am thankful for every thing that has come to my life. Grateful that God trusted my heart enough to allow them to be a part of my life. I only pray that he forgives me for the hurt and tears I have also caused those that loved me so much. I pray each night that Sheila knows and always knew that when I hurt her heart, I never ever meant to do so. I simply lost my way...

A great place to advertise your novels...

Is there Life after A Death...

Strange that I would write a novel about a soul that wanders the world not yet rested. A lady that was filled with love and yet in one sad moment, she took her own life. All she wanted to do was love and be loved. But the novel doesn't simply rest on Christines ability to find peace. Achieving that goal involves new people, new loves but also... the ones left behind.
Life after death. Not what you think here at all. I am not going to debate one of the most ancient of old questions. That is for someone elses blog. I am talking about "life" in the "living" mode after a loved one {mainly a spouse}has gone to heaven. What happens to the one that is left behind? What is their life to be now? I think for some, they simply move on with their lives. Some take time to go away and reflect for a time before beginning they return to life normal, what-ever that may be. And then... there are those of us that sit in limbo, like Christine, wondering what their purpose now is in life.
This I believe is especially true for those that were care-givers. I remember when Sheila first could walk again after so long of needing me to help her. I was devistated. I suddenly wondered what my purpose was. For so long I was her stand up, lift up, lay down, lift her legs into her bed, tucked her in guy. Now... what was it I was supposed to do? It took time to go back to the "normal" everyday life. I had to redefine my purpose all over again. I adjusted just in time for her to go back into the hospital and come out in a wheelchair and needing again. We did this more times than I care to say but each time I had to start over. But at least I knew what was expected of me when we did need to readjust.
And then one day... she was gone forever here on earth. All I had done for 24 years, everything I knew about how we lived and how we sgheduled her illness around our life, was gone. I wasn't going to get up in the night to take her to the bathroom. I wasn't going to readjust her pillow or turn her just so and try to make her as comfortable as possible. I wasn't going to lift her into the van or kiss her good morning or kiss her goodnight anymore, except in my dreams. My world had changed in a most terrible way. The only thing that was still very familiar was the endless flow of tears.
BOOM!!!!! Jump ahead now to present day, two years and a month later with me. Still the sorrow, the unbeleviable pain and loss that still holds me in its grip. The tears still flow and the dreams are never ending. There is Love after the loss but at what cost. The fear that I may forget Sheila if I give my love to another. Yet the love is there and the want is there. The desire to give everything I am to another, does that nullify my place with her in heaven? DO I lose the right to hold her in heaven?
And my new love. What of her? Will she live with a man that has not let go of his past? Will she ask me if I love only her? The heart wants to love again but the mind is still afraid. Afraid that I might love again and then face again the horrible, soul torchering feeling of loss that I felt when Sheila went to heaven. I can proclaim my love but only in words. When I say I love you, am I lessening my love for My Sheila? How much of me is there to give? Will it be enough to cause my new love to stay or will the Ghost, the very essence of My Sheila cause her to one day say, "enough?"
I walk around in a daze often, unsure of what it is my purpose really is. I strive to find new purpose, a new reason to get out of bed each day. I got up each day because Sheila loved me and needed me. I knew every single day what it was I was going to do and whom it was going to be with.
Is there life after the death of a spouse you loved with all you were? Yes, I truly believe there is. Some times it takes a little time and patience and the right love to bring it out. But be encouraged, there is "life" after the death of a deeply loved partner. It just has to be found in it's season and in it's time. I will write more on this as I do have more thoughts.