A site that might be for you... TSEAN

There is a new site in town and it might be just what you are looking for. TSEAN {The Self Esteem Advisory Network}, created by Lisa and Liz is a site made to reach out to people seeking answers to various questions. They offer proffessional as well as personal advice to those trying to find substance and perhaps validation of where they are at in their lives. Emotional Freedom Techniques -- EFT, Migraines, On Being Bipolar and Postpartum Depression & Anxiety are just a few of the catagories that they have open for questions and answers.
Self-esteem, or perhaps I should say the lack of self-esteem is a huge issue today. It is the basis of good health and of bad health as well. Stop in and have a look around. See what they have to offer. I think I might be the place To be one day.

More about Bipolar...

The site in the title here is an excellent source of information. When I open Google and type in Bipolar, I realize how huge this issue is today. I also hear the echo of people saying "everyone seems to be that... We didn't have it when I was a kid. We just "dealt" with it." Hmmm??? Well, dealing with it then was leaping out a window or any number of ways that it was "Dealt" with. Today there are medications to try. There are support groups and medical staff that see the signs and reach out to help. And there is something more. Something I think is the most important growth and aide in the battle of this disorder. There is public AWARENESS! Help in educating those around us of what Bipolar is and what can be done to help. That is what it takes to make ANY subject more visable and better understood.
But what really happens when you are Bipolar? The chemical change is the "cause" for the disorder. You can read about it in the URL's I have here. But truly, the things that happen daily are the real issues. Can it be turned off or cured? There is no known cure for this disorder but there are, as I have said, meds that can sometimes help. Takeing the medical side away, it is the everyday life happenings that make me what I am and dictates how the disorder affects me.
A comment was left that said "I feel so distant to the subject." It isn't like a Rubics Cube in any way. The sides, no matter how you turn them will never match up. There will always be colors that don't match and thoughts that can't be placed in with others. I wake some days and have not a clue what I am going to do. I fight to decide whether I can get out of bed or not. I fear the day that might be coming. Highs that make you smile so big and so long are so frightening because there is ALWAYS a low in equal proportion to deal with. The one you love that is bipolar may at times seem so far away from you that you feel alienated from them. They may be unwilling to talk or seem angry or irritated at you. One of the hardest things to ask you to do is too simply wait for the moment to pass. Don't take it personally because chances are... it isn't meant to be. Just going to the store sometimes can be a manic moment or a "freak out" moment waiting to happen. Sometimes... we are like a child and need to hold your hand or touch your shoulder to feel safe. Tears that come from no-where, outbursts that are aimed at the open air, simply getting in a vehicle and driving to be alone without warning are just some of the things you might see. Wanting to be left alone for hours on end, sleep that is like mine, 2 or 3 hours a day and still feeling filled with energy are some others.
I know there is still so much to say and to open up to you. I think it is important to know all you can know about this disorder if you are to cope daily with a loved one that has this. The more you know, the better equipped you are to help your loved one. You will never know all of it. How can you? We, the ones that suffer it don't even understand it all the time. But we do what we would ask you to do. Try, thats all. Learn the signs that say "Hey, I don't want to be here" or "I don't want to talk about this." Actions like jerking and head shaking are little things to watch for.
If you love them and you are their "safe" place, remember that it took so much of them to feel safe with you. They will trust you unconditionally until you break that trust. And we alwayssss think you might. Paranoia is simply a huge part of this disorder.
How I wish it Could be "turned off" or "cured" but it can't as of yet.So I will deal with it as best as I can for now. I will cling to my "safe place" and pray for my day to be acceptable to me. I will hope in my heart that you don't feel so "distant" to this disorder as you learn more. And I will alwaysssss be loyal and true to your love. I never said "faithful"... but I did say loyal. God Bless you and keep you safe. Darrel

Things i know about being Bipolar...

My first thought is...Do I DARE!!! My second thought is...There are so many people that suffer from this disorder, I might be remiss in Not saying something. It is often over looked by doctors and treated as simple depression or more serious depression. It can bring on more emotions than one could ever imagine. This disorder has the potential to take control of your every thought. there are a lot of medical terms and ways to tell you about this disorder. Sometimes it is nice to get the main thoughts on a disorder from someone who Does know.
I won't go into great detail here today on just how deeply it has effected me. Yes, I said Me, as in myself. I know about it because I suffer from this often frustrating and sometimes crippling disorder. Being diagnosed too many years ago than I care to try and recall, it has many times caused me to shrink back, out of site, away from all that exists. It has led me down roads I would have sworn I would never venture down. And yet, I found myself right in the middle of this disorders worst trials.
Often times, the feelings you will have won't be so different from people who do not suffer from any disorders. They are "normal" feelings and often go away without any lasting complications. I think that everyone goes to sad times now and then. Life just sometimes does us that way. It is the times that do Not go away with time that bring us to look deeper into our symptoms.
The highs and lows that we have become all too familiar. They are very often harder for those that love us to deal with than ourselves. We know them intimately and come to know {most of the time}when we are about to be sideswiped by a nasty low. But to those around us that watch us smile and just as they try to interact, we go to the very farthest other side of happy and they are left standing there wondering what they did to make us sad. Then as suddenly as we were sad, we become happy again. We now have a person with us that is no longer perky because they think they did something. We are ready to smile again and they are not.And so begins a vicious circle of us being upset because we want to smile again and they wont. And,this is all in a matter of minutes quite often. So it is to say that those that love us and we find safety in are very much a victim just as we are.
I find myself content to be alone a lot because I don't have to worry about causing a loved one any grief. Oh but wait... there is the issue of "oh my, now I made them sad because I am not around them." Yes, it is a full swing circle and this is our life.
For some, the meds are a life saver and I say that for those that they are, stay with them. Do what works for you. For those like myself that simply can not make themselves take a med, we will continue to be a worry to our family and doctor, but... we will continue to be. Each of us are the same mind and each of us are different. We seek out what allows us to be as "normal" as we can be in the eyes of those we pass each day. That is sometimes why we go undetected and misdiagnosed so very often because unless someone actually sees us in one of our "mood swings", they will never even know there is an issue.
I think sometimes one of the hardest emotions to deal with is the love issue. I am capable of loving and caring for so many at any one time. And yet I also can turn and walk away at the drop of a hat. To love me is to take a daily chance and hope that I wake tomorrow still wanting or able to be near you or with you. Perhaps this is only me but I somehow doubt that. The love is truer than any you will know and I never stop loving even if I have to move on in my mind.
Yes, if a person hurts or kills someone or does anything to catch the medias eyes and they are bipolar or suffer from turrets too as I do, the world seems to need to place a special emphasis on that. Not all killers or people with mind issues are bipolar and not all bipolars are killers or harmful to others. It only places a scared or "oh my God, they are..." image in the worlds minds when they exploit the fact of the illness. If it IS that important, then when that same person gets to court, treat them with the same thought. Understand them and realize that they are not always able to walk in the rest of societies world. Be kind and patient and you might find that they are the very loyalest friends you will ever know...as long as you don't break their trust.
I hope in my heart of hearts that my words will be encouraging to someone. I hope that I never say anything to cause ones heart to hurt or feel badly. And I will strive to always write words that will place knowledge to help not only those that suffer from this disorder, but also those loved ones that live with it daily. I hope to help others see they are not so alone and not so different. I just felt the desire to write about this today.

The dance...

The nurses used to say "It looks like you are dancing" everytime I lifted Sheila. I would lean forward and she would slip her arms over mine. She would wrap around me and I would wrap around her. Then as I stood, she would come up with me. Sometimes I would steal a hug for a moment before moving her to where ever we were going. I would slowly turn her body around in a circle, our steps learned long ago.And then I would lower her to her chair or be and smile at her. She would smile and say "thanks good lookin'."
It is said that a dance is said to be taking a series of rhythmical steps (and movements) in time to music. Dancing is said to be movements, rhythmically usually to music, using prescribed or improvised steps and gestures. The improvised edition I think was hers and mine. Each lift was different and we would adjust to meet the need at the time. We certainly danced in our own way. And as for the music, the love we shared and the laughter and smiles were our music. It played loud and clear for us. No one else needed to hear it. It was OURS.
And Love... Love was so strong and was such a part of our everything. It has so many beautiful thing about it. Funny thing...Love. It is a word that personifies all that we search for in our lives. Men have killed for it, women have died from the lack of it. It is an emotion, a way of life, a weapon and need. Love also can be the most elated, sensual feeling one can ever have. Ahhhhh, but it can also tear your into pieces and strip your mind of all common sense.
When you fall in Love, it is the beautiful feeling you will ever know. The sky is bluer and the grass greener. The nights are better and the days filled with dreams of the night. You will forget appointments and eating and anything else that might take your thoughts away from this special love you have found.
But one thing else comes with this unconditional Love you have found. A chance. A chance that one day this love that is everything to you and the very reason you get out of bed every day could one day go away. The chance that YOU will be the one left behind to finish out your life, without her/him.
I know about this chance because I took it. I fell madly in Love with My Angel, who for 23 years fought the most courgeous battle against Muscular Dystrophy and heart disease. This love that was the world to me was suddenly taken to heaven on March 8th, 2006. Yes, two years ago this day. She fought and won so many battles and she did it with grace and courage. never ever was the option of quitting allowed in her vocabulary. Our love was a rare love and it was and is cherished then and today.
I will cry another million tears today for the loss of her being here. I will smile a billion smiles as I remember all the things we shared in this life. I will hold her in my heart and my memories until the day I can be reunited with her in heaven. Just know this... the deeper the In Love, the more pain and sorrow and loss of even your ownself comes with it. But then as the song says, "and now i am glad i didnt know the way it all would end, the way it was gonna go... My life was better left to "Chance", I could have missed the pain... But then I would have had to miss the "Dance."

Things I know about time...

Time... There are so many definitions of the word. The clock time, the time we leave, the time we are born, the time as in clocking a horse or a runner. But today I will talk about the passage of time. Time doesn't stop for anyone. I learned that on the day that Sheila was going away to heaven. She had been in the hospital for over a month. They told me she wouldn't come home for a long time. Then suddenly, the doctors told me to take her home. Too elated to question, I lifted her into the van and smiled. My love was coming home with me and that was all that mattered. I had learned to clean her trache so that I could have her home. Eight days she was home with us. Time was forever again. We laughed, we talked and never once did I imagine what the eighth would bring.
On the morning of the 7th of March, 2006 she woke and said she didnt feel right. We rushed her to the hospital where she was given morphiene to aide with the pain. I waited for her to say she felt better, waited for what seemed like forever. She and I spent the next 6 hours watching doctors come and go. She was in and out of consciosness. Time moved slow for me and I wondered what was going to happen to her. She was taken to emergency surgery and that TIME was too fast for me. What was to take hours took but a few short minutes. The surgeon came to me and said she had only hours to live. My Angel was not going to be with me when morning came.
Begging the doctors to make her live was not going to ever come true. I waited alone, waiting for my daughter to arrive. I wished with all of my heart that time could stop for just a little while. It did not stop. Each minute that ticked away was one less minute I would have with the love of my life. Sitting beside her, crying as I tried hard not to let her see my tears, I realized that time was going to continue on. At two a.m. I sat down beside her. At 4:36 a.m. she went to heaven. This beautiful lady that had fought so hard for 24 years to live, was now safe in heaven. No more tears, no more pain, no more in a wheelchair.
Time... I am told that it heals. I am told that with just some patience and the passage of time, I will be better. What I know about time is this. Sometimes only the clocks move forward. Sometimes only the months on the calendar change. And sometimes, only the New Year makes it another year gone by. Life does go on as they say it will. You realize one day that time never stopped at all, even though you could have sworn it must have. That night... I wanted the clocks to stop so that her two hours were forever. Again, they did not.
A different write perhaps for me today. The approaching 2 year mark coming to quickly. I am often still there, at 4:30 a.m. on the 8th of March, 2006. So much of me holds to those last moments when I kissed her and whispered "I love you." The moment in time when she whispered back to me "I love you and...I don't hurt anymore." Time stood still for me...

A place of great interest. Gimme...

I want to talk about one other site. A site that belongs to a lady that has been an inspiration to me. She has taught me so many things about creating and filling a blog. She is a horse lover and her site dedicates a portion of itself to them. her love for these beautiful animals is so very evident in what she writes.
Gimme also has a site that shows beautiful jewelry from home to Hong Kong. Her passion for life is seen each time she writes. Her love for life and nature are contagious and she will intoxicate your mind with ideas and thought provoking words.
This lady is also an Oasis in a land of a million miles of internet. She opens the doors to so many sites that pay you to do what you love to do best... Write. Please, if you are looking to expand your knowledge of blog spots looking for your writing, stop in. If you are just looking for a place to relax and enjoy the scenary, this is the place to be. I promise that you wont walk away disapointed. Come on... give it a look. Darrel

A nice place to sit and enjoy the evening...

If you love poetry and are looking for a place to enjoy, I have a site for you. The Poetry written in this site is written with heart and soul. Charlie has the gift of opening her heart and emotions and allowing them to free-fall onto the screen. The images she places with her poems allows the reader to feel the words as well as read them. Her desires and dreams are personified through her words.
Poetry is meant to reach into your heart and bring out feelings and images that cause you to react emotionally. Great poetry takes you into the words and makes you a part of them. Charlie does just that with her poetry here. If you want to feel a poets heart, take a moment and see what she has given to us to share.

Things I know about care-giving and Dignity

When dealing with persons that are wheelchair bound, we can forget that along with loosing the use of their mobility, there is another factor to consider. One that may be more important than the acts you perform daily to help them. What could be more important than caring for them? Allowing them to keep their Dignity is a very important part of care-giving. When my wife was walking, she didn't need to worry if her dress was pulled down or if she was sitting properly. She didn't have to ask to go the restroom or eat dinner or even shower. She was treated with respect and knew her worthness to all that loved her. There are things that even she said she took so much for granted when she could walk.
I, as her husband and care-giver had to also learn along our journey to do things for her in a way that it kept her dignity. I learned by watching and by her gentle teachings. When she needed to go to the bathroom when first disabled, it embarrassed her. She was unsure and very young in our marriage, the trust issue was still in in infancy state. Sometimes I would be doing things and she would need me. Life was crazy for us and time was a luxury we seldom were alloted. I would sometimes sigh or ask her to give me a minute. I would sometimes sound exhausted or "put off." I was after-all new to this also.
One day while she was calling for me to help her, I yelled I was busy. "Hang on a minute!" was my terrible responce. When I "got to her" she sat there silently crying. My heart broke into a billion pieces when I saw what my words had done to her. A guilt I carry with me even today. I took her to the bathroom and lifted her with such care and love. She finished then asked if I had a minute. I assure you, the way I had hurt her assured that I had at least a minute. this is what she said. This... was my first lesson in Dignity for her.
"I often wait until I really can not wait any longer to call you. I do this because I know you are busy trying to care for 2 babies and a wife that can not walk. I do this because I love you and I don't want to put more on you than is already there. But baby, I do this too because it embarresses me to have to ask for help to go to the bathroom. To have you pull my pants down or skirt up makes me feel very vulnerable. You never complain or say a word bt I know it frustrates you as much as it does me. But think of this. How do you feel when you are in a hospital gown and the nurses decide to walk you up and down the aisle? You pull the back shut over and over. You turn beet red if someone sees your butt. That is for a day or two. I live that way every single day. My dignity goes out the window when you have to do those things for me. I just want you to understand that IF I could I would but I can't so I trust in you to be there for me, as you always are."
Through tears that flowe for hours, I heard her words over and over in my head. I thought about how I moved her or how I turned her at night.I thought about the way I lifted her or sat her down. And I began to change the way I did some things. I began to see her as a strong lady, filled with love and caring and the desire to just be respected for who she was. I made sure that she never ever felt like aburden. I helped her with a renewed love and respect that carried us through 100 hospital stays and more doctors office visits than I care to remember. Whatever we did, where ever we went, I made sure that she looked beautiful and was moved and treated with all the dignity she was deserving of. Because of this, she ws able to continue life with respect and dignity.
Over the years, the trust issues of course were settled and the way I conducted my self with her was always with the deepest of love. We were granted 19 more years than the doctors gave her and lived everyone of them as wonderfully and gracefully as we could. What a wonderful teacher she was. The Muscular Dystrophy Assosiation has done many studies on Dignity in their patients. they too have learned that healing comes faster when treatment is given with respect to the patients medical condition and their state of mind.
I have another few things to add to this, but will stop for right now. Thank you for reading this blog.

Things I know about being blessed

Fourty-eight years ago, I came into this world. I was given 24 hours to live and went on to live another approximatley 421,000 more hours so far. We were not rich in money but we were rich in love and family. The fourth born of five children, I was asked to be my brothers eys when I was seven. Through his non-seeing eyes, I learned to describe the world in "living color." I taught him the colors of the world by comparing them to the touch and feel of things around us. Green was the color of a lime flavored Fruit Loop. Red was a potatoe fresh from the oven. Though he could not see the colors, he had things he could relate them too. I was blessed in so many ways to be his eyes and grew up knowing I was blessed. We learned to climb trees together and run as fast as the wind. His left hand never came off of my right shoulder as we raced through life together. I went to summer school with him and was able to help many other kids that were "challenged" in some way. I befriended the nieghbors nobody else wanted to know. We learned together that they were as capable of playing games such as baseball and hide and go seek as any kid was. I know today that I was being prepared for the life my wife and I would share for 24 years.
My family moved to Canada when i was thirteen and we lived many miles back in the mountains. No running water and no electricity but we had 500 acres to explore and grow up around. Though we enjoyed every kind of wildlife you could imagine, one thing was missing. We were to far back to have schooling and I was needed on the ranch. My "traditional" education ceased and I began a new type of learning. I studied everything around me and listened and learned from the adults in my life. If I did not know an answer to a question, I found it. I was determined that I would never be known as "the guy with an 8th grade education." I self taught myself through reading everything I could get my hands on. I made it my personal goal to be able to carry on an intelligient conversation with anyone on any level.
When I was twenty years old, I joined the Air Force. My education was furthered in the four years I served my country. No one ever asked me if I was educated because I learned fast and studied hard. It was while in the Air Force that I met and married my wife of twenty-four years. That was also the time that I realized part of why God had blessed me with the years of working with those that were "challenged." My wife developed Muscular Dystrophy one year after we were married. We had our first child by then and I was working a full time civillian job as a foreman. As my wifes disease progressed, we spent many hours, days, weeks and years in hospital rooms.During a year of total remission, Sheila became pregnant with our second child. Though not planned, we were estatic to learn of the blessing to come. The pregnancy was hard and she spent the better part of 6 months in the hospital under intense medical care. Our daughter was born two months early and weighed only 3.2lbs. She was in the Neo-Natal Unit until she was seven weeks old. I would go up each night after I got off of work at midnight and learn to feed her and care for her. There were special ways to feed her and infant CPR classes to be taken. She would come home on a heart monitor and there were classes to take for that. My wife remained in the hospital for another 5 months after our daughter came home. I would work my night shift job and come home and feed our daughter. I would wake in the night to feed her again and then my parents would wake me when they were leaving for work. I survived on two hours sleep a night for several years. I had two babies, age new born and two years old to care for and my wife to visit each day as well as work. My wife came home and went back into remission for several years. Together we found a way to purchase our first house and live a wonderful life together. We could not have done it without the loving help of my family, that I do know. In spite of all the hurdles in our life, we made our life and our children's life the best it could be. Insurances ran out and renewals denied but we continued to give our girls everything we could. They never knew when we were strapped for money or going without.
We sold our home to move to a smaller town to raise our daughters. The city simply was not a safe place to raise them. We bought a 3 acre property and lived there for almost twenty years. My wife was hospitalized over 35 times in those years but we continued to be a family and to love our daughters and each other beautifully. In those years I wanted so much to write. I had written songs since I was thirteen and written short stories when ever I could. My wife and kids encouraged me too try and publish them and in 2004, my first novel was published. I cut a C.D. the same year of 13 of the 100 songs I had written. Both went on sale and though I didn't become rich in money from them, my life was enriched to know I had become a published author and singer/songwriter. In 2005 my second novel was published and today I wait for novels three and four to be published.
Somewhere in the mix of life and all we had endured, Bipolar set in and I became lost in my ways. Life took many turns for both my wife and I but we remained with one another until March of 2006. The disease she had fought so bravely and so strongly for 23 years had finally taken it's toll on her precious body. After being in a coma for 60 days in 2005 and then again for 30 days in 2006, my wife went to heaven on March 8th, 2006. Loved and missed more than my words could ever convey, I continue to write as she asked me too. I held my novel up to the sky in the Barnes and Noble in the Mall of America and through tears I said, "We did it, Baby. We made it here."
Is there anything that I have accomplished and am really proud of? I have two daughters, one that went on to college at the Le Cordon Bleu in Minneapolis, the other happily married with two sons. Both successful in my heart. I walked with my wife through Hell's fires and back and stayed loving her even unto now. I worked hard for a living and through it all, found a way to educate myself and have two novels published along with a C.D. produced. Never in the 24 years did we sacrifice love our happiness for anything we ever achieved. I guess my answer is in this article. Yes, I did accomplish something I am proud of. Through more tears than you could imagine in a lifetime and struggles that would have destroyed a lesser love, I knew and still know love and life. I have been blessed more than any one man ever deserved and I know that fact. These are just some of the things I have accomplished in my blessed life.I will continue to make accomplishments until the day I am called by the Lord to spend eternity with my Love.

Things i know about song

Sometimes when we are down, we strive for something that will soothe our inner-self. We may go out for a walk, which is of course a wonderful way to help both body and mind. We may visit a friend we haven't spoken too in a long time. But what happens in the case where we just don't want to go outside. The snow is deep, the rain is torrential or maybe... we just want to be alone with our thoughts. What ever your reason may be for staying right in the comforts of your own home, there is something that can help your soul.
Music! Song has been the element of sorries, I love you's, can we be together tonight's and even I hate what you did to me's.Songs have been written about mothers and fathers lovers and sweethearts.They have been written for any scenario you could want to listen to.
The songs you choose may be wild or soft and sweet.But it is truly "music" that soothes the heart. If that is what you are looking for, then I have a wonderful CD for you. It is a collection of 13 of my best songs, written by me. They are easy listening songs about love, life, loss and the words that say "I love you" in the sweetest way. The music is soothing enough that people tell me they use the CD to help their babies sleep. My daughters friends from college all had one of the CD's. They played it while they studied as they said it kept them calm and relaxed.
The CD was such an enjoyment to cut and I love knowing other people are relaxing and enjoying my music as much as I have enjoyed writing them. Contact me through my mail at boogieman_50627@yahoo.com if you really want to relax with some good music.

Things I know about bitter/sweet

Bitter-sweet. Now that is an oxy-moron if I ever saw one. A bit like "colder than Hell" and sometimes just as confusing. But the word is real and it has so many meanings. The one that I am talking about is a feeling, an emotion that comes to us many times in our lives.
As my daughters have grown up, I watched them go from babies to toddlers to teens and on to becoming adults. The excitement in seeing my youngest going off to college to be a chef was "bitter-sweet. Seeing her grab one of her dreams and live it was the sweet in my heart. Knowing it would take her hundreds of miles away from her mother and I was the bitter. Seeing my oldest daughter find the man that would love her unconditionally was the sweet. Knowing she would move away from us was the bitter.
And then there was MY Sheila. The love of my life, who walked through fires with me and never let go of my hand was truly the Most sweetness of my life. So many years of suffering and enduring and yet never ever saying "I quit." Quitting was simply not an option for her. Then came the day that I took her to ER, where we had been a thousand times in our 24 years. Such a long wait to decide what to do. Then emergency surgery and waiting alone in the dark room, wondering what would be the outcome. Hearing her say to me as I was going to smoke, "Wait just another minute or two,o.k.?" Never once even considering the thought she might die. We had been here and done this more times than I could count. She Always came out of it. But not this time.
When the surgeon came out and told me he could not save her, I dropped to the floor, my legs no longer strong enough to bare the weight of such words. I begged him to do more. I told him she was my life. I told him... "I am nothing without her." Words that were no longer strong enough to keep her here with me. The "bitter" reality of it all. Where then does the bitter-sweet lie now? Bitter that she is gone now when i wanted another 24 years with her. Knowing I would have lifted her in and out of bed, in and out of the wheelchair, in and out of the van, just for a little while longer with her. Bitter that that was taken from me.
The sweet? Knowing she no longer needed me to lift her, to carry her, to make her as comfortable as I could. Knowing that, because she was now in heaven with our Father God. The knowing that she no longer hurts and no longer endures all that she did when she was living her on earth.
Bitter-sweet
Such a word seems as if it should not exist, but it does for all of us somewhere in our lives. A word that reminds us that there is always something sweet in the bitter, only though... if we choose to look for it.

Things I know about dreaming...

Dreaming... not like the lay in bed and sleep dreams. The dreams we have for ourselves and our lives are what I am writing about. And that question of whether you found them, lived them and felt them within your soul. When I was young, I wanted to be an oceanoghapher, I wanted to film and save the sea-life.
As you may have read in another blog, my life took a huge turn and I did not become an oceanographer. Did that mean that I did not live that dream> I don't think it meant that at all. Through books and films and movies and any and every link I could find to the ocean, I DID live it. I did find it and feel it.
I think that we don't have to actually physically touch the dreams we have. If we can find a way to make them a part of our lives, then we have lived them. Virtual realities, if you will. I have never walked on the moon either, but because of a helmet and a video wrapped around my eyes, I felt it and walked on the moon.
A Planetarium takes us into outer space and causes the feeling that we are rocketing through the galaxy, meteors flying past us, planets appearing and then disappearing right before our eyes. I was 12 years old when I visited a Planetarium in Florida. I remember the girl sitting next to me getting "sick" everywhere because the movements were so very real. She and I were as much flying through space as any astronaut ever did. We Lived it, felt it...found it.
The reason I say these things is this. Sometimes, because we don't think we can nor will ever achieve a dream, we let it go. We allow it to become lost in a very far away place in our minds. Trust me, it IS still there somewhere. Sometimes we have to look for awhile, try to recall if we even had a dream. If we look hard enough, it will manifest itself again to us. We should never let a dream die just because we can't or may not ever realize it as a job or adventure. Find a way to live it within yourself. Make it as real as you can. Todays technology puts the entire world right at our fingertips. It sets before us all the means to reach out and touch the Sun if we choose to do so...minus the burn.
Things I know about dreaming are that they never need to die. They are always with us as long as we keep them alive. They can come to us in many forms and stages. And I KNOW they can become a reality in the blink of an eye. So don't give up on a single dream. They are yours to keep... More to come later, Darrel

More on living with a spouse with M.D.

We really wondered what our life was going to be like when Sheila was diagnosed with Polymyositis. We already knew from the year before that it would mean many doctors and many hospital visits. We would travel hundreds of miles to Rochester, Mn. and the Mayo clinic. We would become familiar and aquainted with the motel staff near the clinic. We knew all the coffee shops and the best and worst places to eat. Perhaps... we were a little too familiar.
For those of you wondering, "Polymyositis is a nuero-muscular disease that normally effects woman between 21 and 25 years of age. It is one of a group of muscle diseases that involve inflammation of the muscles or associated tissues; the inflammatory cells of the immune system directly attack muscle fibers.
The cause is unclear; researchers suspect viruses or exposure to certain drugs might trigger the misdirected immune response. The symptoms are weakness of the muscles of the hips, thighs, upper arms, top part of the back, shoulders and muscles that move the neck; pain or tenderness in affected areas; possible heart, respiratory and swallowing problems."
Sheila experienced all of them. Her heart weakened over the years from the disease and the effects of the medications she had to be on to live. She was in and out of the wheelchair, sometimes out for 3 or 4 years. She had the strength and heart of the greatest warrior and never complained about her condition. She told me once that all she wanted to do was to have the ability to take care of her husband and her daughters. She did both with beauty and the greatest of love.
How were we effected by the things she dealt with daily? We began looking for places that were easy access. This all started before the push to make all public establishments accessible for the disabled. And believe me, there were a LOT of places that were NOT. We found that many places were not even interested in changing things until it was law. part of living with the disease was being respectful with love to Sheila. Understaqnding that if i wanted to go somewhere and we found that we could not get in, it hurt her because she felt she was depriving me or the girls of something we wanted. So we searched and found all the places we Could get into.
Dignity was another very important part of life with Polymyositis. Sheila was often dependant on me for showers and bathroom and dressing. Finding a way to allow her to feel as if what we did was as natural as breathing. And it did become that and was simply a way of life for us. We laughed at the learning new things and the best ways to do them. I made a few mistakes but learned from them right away. I found the ways to show her I didnt mind doing anything for her. I showed her that our love could and would withstand anything. She became comfortable and our lives became as they were, without any questions or regrets.
We learned the best ways to get in a vehicle and the easiest ways to get in and out of a house. We learned to LIVE with Polymyositis. Because if you choose, there is always a way to Live.

Life with Muscular Dystrophy... from the spouses side.

Sheila and I were married on Sept. 4th of 1982. The first eight months were as any new marriage and we went everywhere. We were so very active and very rarely were we home.Our life was blessed with a child and everything was right in our world. The whole story is in another blog here and so I wont repeat it word for word.
One year into our marriage, Sheila was diagnosed with Polymyositis. We were to learn a few months later that it was one of the 40 Nuero-muscular diseases of Muscular Dystrophy. Sheila had already lost the use of her legs and been hospitalized 4 times, once for 2 months. When she came home, our life was changed in so many ways. Though we took the changes with loving care, we knew our life was forever changed.
Did her disease mean we could no longer have a "life?" Was it going to dictate and control everythimg we did for the rest of our lives? Could we continue to dream and want things and raise our children in a world that hospital chairs and motel rooms were more common place for us then our own home? So many questions. Questions that could really only be answered by Time itself. And time did answer them for us.
We learned that we had two choices for ourselves. We could take the disease and let it rule our lives. We could face our challenges with everything we had and all the love we could muster up. We could just let go and allow Polymyositis to become us or we could become the controllers of our own lives. We chose to be the ones that decided where we went and what we would do with our lives. Certainly there were times when we were not able to go places or do things while her disease was in full swing. We had to think about what we were doing and the best ways to do it. But we did'nt allow her illness to stop us from buying a house. We did'nt allow it to stop us from going out and enjoying life to it's fullest. Our love was strong and she was the strongest woman I have ever been blessed by heaven to have been so much a part of.
I will tell you more of what we did and how we adjusted our lives to fit the things we would now face. Not a disabilty but more an a incovienance for us. Our lives for certain changed but Not our dreams. Challenges we met and conquered so that we could live a life that was as close to normal as could be.
The MDA helped us in so many way and I will always be more than grateful to them for being there for us. I will speak only good things of their organization because they were so to us. I will write more in a new blog.
Always, Darrel...

From A Friend... that Touch that warms...

This is a paper that was turned in by my daughters best friend. It touched my heart so much that I wanted to share it with you.Just enjoy as my daughter and I did. Darrel

My best friend Shannon and her family mean the world to me. Shannon and I met when we were in college for culinary arts in 2003. We were both on our own for the first time and both more than 3 hours from our parents. Shannon and I lived together through a student housing program and after a couple weeks Shannon and I went on our first road trip together. That was the beginning of our lasting friendship.
Shannon lives in Iowa and doesn't drive so I told her I would bring her to her family's to visit. At first her parents hated me. They could not understand why Shannon liked me, or would have brought me home. As her parents got to know me and I them, they started to understand why Shannon liked me so much. Shannon's parents are wonderful people that I fell in love with and they became a surrogate family to me. Shannon's grandma and grandpa treat me like I'm another one of the grandkids, and I'm like another daughter to Shannon's parents.
Shannon and I both left college at the same time, she went back to Iowa and I went back to Minnesota. Shannon and I hardly ever get to see each other anymore but when we do it is just like old times and we just talk a lot more to make up for the months we missed. Shannon tells me about the things that happen in her life and I tell her about mine. Shannon and I talk occasionally on the phone but as we lead busy lives it's not as often as we would like. When Shannon and I talk she can tell if something is wrong, without me telling her anything. Shannon is always willing to listen to me, and give advice when she feels it's needed.
When Shannon's mom died Shannon called me at 6am to tell me. I hadn't slept yet so I slept for 4 hours and left for Iowa to be there for her. Shannon's family is so strong and they did very well. But it was hard for everyone to lose Sheila because she was such a wonderful lady. But Sheila had suffered many, many years with different illnesses and disabilities. But the beauty of Sheila is she never let it stop her from doing a single thing. She was a strong wonderful woman that led a wonderful life and blessed many people with knowing her.
Shannon's dad is also a wonderful person. When I call to talk to Shannon I always talk to him too. He understands my mind in a way that no one else I have found does. When what I say sounds abnormal or crazy to me he understands it, and a lot of times has been in the same situations. Sometimes I call just to talk to him because he helps me not feel crazy.
I was blessed the day I met Shannon and she will be my best friend for the rest of my life. Even if we only see each other twice a year and only talk on the phone once a month, Shannon and her family will always mean the world to me. I would do anything for her and I know she would do the same for me.