Things I know about feeeling a loved ones presence.

Today I write about loved ones lost and their presence. Sounds strange maybe but truly, if I have learned anything in the past 2 1/2 years it is this. Though our loved ones may not be sitting with us, drinking a cup of coffee physically, they are so very much with us. We simply need to open our hearts and minds to see them.
My daughter and her family came to visit for the past two weeks. Such a wonderful joy they were and we crammed a year into 14 days. there were moments that we were laughing and smiling and simply enjoying that I found myself needing to step away for a short time. Not because I do not enjoy the great times we share. I stepped away because I glanced up at a picture of Sheila {my wife who is in heaven}and myself also laughing and enjoying life. I looked at the picture and suddenly felt that tears might come. I quietly left and sat outside on our swing and thought of her.
I remembered our first walk in the soft gentle rain. A rain that turned into a downpour and made us run our butts off to the nearest shelter where we laughed and kissed and held one another as the lightening lit the sky. I smiled and I cried at that memory, realizing I could not remember the sound of her laughter. I tried so hard and cried harder as I found myself unable to hear that sound. I could feel her laughter inside of my heart but I could not hear her. I sat there wondering why she wasn't there with me. Why couldn't she have stayed longer and been here to see all the laughter, to hear the sounds of our children and their children enjoying what she taught us best to do. Enjoying life!
I remembered our first snow and how we ran outside and threw snowballs at one another. How I tackled her and kissed her in the snow. In response, she shoved a handful of snow down my back and we laughed so hard. We spent most of our life laughing because with her disease, often it was that or just collapse. I am sure we chose the right path to go.
I also remembered the many times I went to the hospital, only to find her curled in a ball, hurting so badly, but unwilling to take something for it because she was carrying our daughter. I curled up next to her and just held her tight to me. Her sacrifices and unconditional love were the essence of my strength. I sat on the swing and looked up at the clouds. I searched them as if I were going to find her face in one of them. And I again asked her why she couldn't have stayed longer. Did I do something to cause her to finally say "enough." Was my inability to cling tight to her and my mind being twisted by the Bipolar that had not even been labeled yet cause her to go to heaven? Did she know that I would have lifted her a million more times just to share our "Dance?"
Then as if to answer my heart, I heard her sweet voice. She told my heart she WAS with me. She told me she was watching from heaven and sitting beside me on the swing. I looked around and a butterfly flew by, flying a bit unsteady as Sheila walked when she was able to. I heard the loudest laughter coming from inside the house. I heard my oldest telling my youngest "You are soo much Mom! God sometimes it's like talking to her!" That is when it hit me. Sheila wasn't gone at all. She went to heaven yes, but her essence, her life and love for life was alive! Alive in the things that surrounded me. Alive in my daughters and their lives. She was perhaps more with us now than any other time in our lives. She could move freely, without the restraint of the wheelchair that was her constant companion. I looked around me and saw her in everything. She was in the movement of the trees that were blowing, the sound of the wind was her voice.It blew across my face and I knew it was her touch. The same touch that calmed me when I was angry with someone. The touch that said "I love you" without a word being spoken. The sweet touch that said "We have a date tonight, Good Looking. Don't be late" as she went towards our bedroom. She had and has been here all along. Sometimes I knew that as I could feel her near me. Now, she opened my eyes to see that I had her somewhere no one else could see nor touch. This is our place and ours alone.
To lose a loved one is devastating beyond words. I won't even try to say I know what a person is going through when they lose a loved one. Each of our hearts are too different to make that claim. I only know that they can only go away if we allow them to. They can only fade if we let them fade away. We CAN choose to see them in the things around us. The flowers and trees and water and mostly... in our children. Your loved one lives on in every single memory and sees all that you do and feels all that you feel. You need only to reach out and take their hand in yours. Whether their hand is a flower or a leaf or whatever you choose to see them in.
I still can not remember her voice and it causes me to cry here and now. I have a tape of her talking to me but can't bring myself to listen yet. One day perhaps. I guess time will tell. Just don't let go of the memories you have of your loved ones. Make as many as you can as they may be all you have of them someday. But remember, they are ALWAYS near by and always just a soft spoken "hello" away. Their presence can be felt just by thinking about them and personifying them in what you see or hear. It is truly "never goodbye... It is only see you later." Hugssss to you all and God bless you. By the way, I went back inside and laughed as loud and as hard as I could. smilesssss. Darrel

things I know about On-line relationships

I don't know where this is going today. I just feel like writing and this subject was written about by a dear friend. It caused me to sit and ponder a bit about this. I began chatting on-line wayyyyyyyyyy back when chat was new and there was no voice and things were slower. ICQ was big then and Cheetah Chat was working on getting voice. People were whatever they wanted to be and to be who you really were was something rare. It made me almost a freak as what you saw on-line was who you met off line. Eventually, I did meet many people from on line and yes, I had ummm shall we say, too many on-line relationships. I was lonely and searching and yet not sure what it was I was searching for.
Who the ladies were is not relevant and their names I would never reveal. The fact is that I learned early on that these were not just names on a screen somewhere out in Cyber-land. They were real people with real lives and real sad and happy times. They too were there, searching, sometimes without a clue as to what it was they truly needed. Some became life-long friends and some were simply seasons changing in their lives and mine. Yes, a few I fell totally in love with and we met and enjoyed one anothers company for the time that we were allowed too. Sadly, some of those friends I did not ever meet.
How real are on-line relationships? They are real enough to bring life and love back into what is sometimes a very dry desert. They have the ability to give to you sometimes more love and more friendship and caring than those that you know outside of the net. They can cause you to forget what you should be doing to spend time with them. They cause you to get up hours earlier than normal to spend quiet times with them. You think about them when you are away and pray for them when they are away. They are in your heart and your mind and capture your soul as if you had known them since another lifetime ago.
And... they can hurt you and be hurt by you as if they had been sitting right beside you. Loves I have never forgotten nor ever will. Life changing touches that stir your heart and make you want to be nearer to them. You can feel their hearts and you know them and they know you sometimes better than the people you live with. You open your heart and tell them things you never tell nor have told anyone else. And strangely, you give to them trust that is often very hard fought by those that surround you out side the net.
The on-line dating services are a clear visual of how real and how huge the attraction to finding someone to love is today. Testamonies of people that have met and fell in love and yes, married are all over the net. They seem to last as long as a "traditional" marriage or relationship. Online love is todays electronic version of yester-years Pen pals. The net is now an extension of our homes and our lives and truly... our hearts.
And then there is one more reality that makes it as real as it gets. This year I lost two of the most beautiful friends I will ever know.They had been with me since the very first time I logged in and said hello. They were dear to my heart and the friendship we found and the caring and love we shared was as real as anything I have ever known. The loss of them hit me hard and I cried for days. It was truly the same as losing a family member. They were family. Their passing on will be with me forever and the memories will always be mine to keep. One of them was known through out my family. When she died, my Father cried with me. That my friend, is REAL.
I have hurt and been hurt, loved and been loved, cried over and cried for. I have met and know some of the most beautiful people the world will ever know. I have been blessed more than any man, especially this man, ever deserved.
Do I reccomend on-line love? Do I think it is a healthy way to fall in love? Does an on-line friendship always become Love? First of all, if you can fall in love or want to fall in love out side the net, then I say, don't be afraid if it happens on-line. Healthy relationships come in all shapes and sizes and from all walks of life. The net is just one of those avenues. You have to be careful AND use your head. You need to truly know all you can about this person before you meet them. Sometimes people aren't always who they say they are. There is a danger in this on-line AND off-line. As far as do they all become Love? Well, sometimes they become intimate and it is easy to Love others here. But no, not all become love. I think that all become a caring relationship, much like your family, if you talk to them long enough. but their are many I know and have talked to for 12 or more years that have remained the truest of friends and will remain that forever.
I will say that I am still here today, Bipolar and all, because of someone that gave me love and understanding when I was ready to call it quits for this round of living. For that love and giving i will always be blessed and feel thankful for.
On-line relationships can be so fabulous and can give to you a peace and a love that will stay with you forever. They can also hurt your heart and soul in ways you can not even imagine. Treat those you speak to here with the same respect as you would any person you know off-line. Protect your heart and expect anything to happen here. love with a fury and passion and remember that seasons do change sometimes and lives are changed with them. Do not be unkind to people you know here. You do not know what battles they are fighting while they talk to you.
On-line relationships... I have had ummm a few. They have been soooo beautiful. My only regret is that I have hurt some along the way. For that, I am forever sorry. It is REAL hurt and REAL sorries. just my thoughts. Always I am... Darrel.

things I know about uncertainties...

Can you be certain about uncertain things? Yes, I know, when I wrote it, I had to re-read too. There are things that happen in our lives every day that though we are certain they are, we might be uncertain as to why they are. I could have started this out about Bipolar or depression or life. Any of the three I am certain would apply here and probably a few more not mentioned here.
As my time with Sheila grew into a Life, I was uncertain where it would all go. Certain at some point that her illness would always be part of our lives, I was uncertain how deeply it would impact our lives. Certain I loved her, I was uncertain how in love with her I was with her. Fifteen times in our life, I was told she would not live through the night. Sitting beside her bed in the dark, I would squeeze her hand and softly cry. I would pray to God to let her stay just once more. I was certain he would hear my prayers and I would wake to hear her softly breathing. How many more times we would do this very scenario I was for sure uncertain of.
When she woke from the first coma, I smiled at her, said "good morning, Love" and went on as if one day had passed, not 65 days. The entire 65 days for me was spent in a little room provided by the hospital directly outside of the CCU. I would sleep during the day as that was when the doctors were busy with her. I would spend my nights at her bedside. Each time I would close my eyes, I was certain she would be with me when I woke. Faith? Time proven? Knowing who was laying in that bed? I don't know which one made me think that way. Which of those elements were the strongest reason why I just knew she wouldn't go away, I am uncertain of. I just knew.
I think now, as I sit here and listen to Joe Nichols sing "I'll wait for you" and Leeanne telling me she "probably wouldn't hurt this way", about that last night. The most uncertain of my thoughts these days. The reason I cry so hard in the night and why I find it hard to move forward at times. No longer uncertain how very in love with her I was. No longer unsure of how deep my love for this beautiful lady was. But very much uncertain of how I walked through that last night. Angry with myself because I still believed she would be coming back out to be with me again. So damned certain that I kissed her and told her I would be waiting for her when she came out. God, the tears that flow when I remember... It was a simple kiss. It was a smile and a confident nod I left her with when they wheeled her in for emergency surgery at 1 a.m. on a quiet Wednesday morning.
I was going to go smoke a cigarette an hour before that moment. She asked me not to go yet. She held my hand and I stood beside her as she drifted off again from the meds they had given her to not hurt so bad. I sat at a hospital computer and sent e-mails to friends telling them she would be in surgery for a bit and then back out again. CERTAIN she would be coming out, feeling sore but better. The doctor coming out way too soon. His confession that he could NOT in fact save her. The weakness in legs that had lifted this lady 10,000 times for 20 years made no sense to me now. How could they be so strong and lift her so many times and yet not even support me as I fell to the floor when the doctor spoke to me.
Uncertain that these tears will ever truly stop. Uncertain that life will ever be normal again for me. certain that I will miss her forever. Certain of Leeanne's words telling me "I probably wouldn't hurt this way if I had never seen her face." Wondering why I didn't say more as she was slowly going to heaven. Uncertain today why I had sat beside her bed crying, rather than telling her all of the things I was thinking. So Scared that I would give away some big freaking secret to her. As if she didn't already know she would not see the morning Sun.Singing "In the Garden" to her as if it were just another day, not our last day... last hour together.
Why do I write this today? I am certain that my heart will question those last moments forever. I am certain that I will love her for the rest of my living days here on earth. Certain too that something inside of me wants to move forward. I know love in my life and want to reach out and experience it on a more certain walk. Uncertain that it is fair to ask someone to walk with me, knowing they will be walking with Sheila and I. I write this because it is my heart. I write this because I am certain that in writing is healing. I write this because I know I want to finish this life growing old with someone at my side.
What do I know about uncertainties??? I know they can and Do often control our lives. They cause us to make or not make decisions in our lives. They cause us to step or not step outside the safety of our our tiny little world that feels so safe. I think it can cause us to miss chances in our life that are so beautiful. Too beautiful to simply walk away from.
Certain I am, that bipolar, depressed, feeling good, normal {whatever that word means}, these are thoughts that I think no matter what your mindset is, one thinks about. Certain that I would have lifted her 10,000 more times and these legs would have supported us every time, if God had allowed her to stay with me for another 25 years. And CERTAIN I am of Joe Nichols' words. Sheila "will wait for me" in heaven until the day that God calls me home to be with her. And I am CERTAIN I will still be loving her.

Pictures... the good, the bad but the never Ugly

This morning I was looking through my desk drawer for shhhhh, a lighter for a much needed cigarette. Yes I know, what a nasty habit. But that is for another blog and not one I will write soon. As I shuffled through the what nots of the drawer, I came across a picture. It was a picture I long ago told a very special lady that I had thrown away. Ahhh, those little white lies. The picture was of my Sheila and was taken not long after she had become so ill. I remember her telling me when she saw it to "Toss that Ugly thing out!! I mean it, D, throw it. I look so terrible in that picture. I did NOT toss it obviously.
My mind went back to that time for a moment or two. To a time when she spent most of her days in the hospital and I spent mine taking care of Samantha, our only daughter at the time. The picture was taken on one of her very few days outside. The meds had taken their toll on her and the illness had ravaged her body. But it was that outing that had been the start of her first remission. She had so enjoyed spending time with the family and laughing as we talked and spent time together. I was so thrilled to have her out with us and to be a family, if even for one single day.
I shuffled through more pictures in the drawer and tears came to my eyes. Each picture was a sequence to her getting better for a time. Why I had taken them that way I don't know. Or perhaps I had not and they simply came out that way to me. I found pictures of her fishing with me when we were first married. there were memories of our first anniversary and our first Christmas. There were pics of me on Christmas morning. We got up at 5 every Christmas morning for 24 years. I have to tell you, I was definitely the "bad" looking at 5 a.m. She, always looked as if she just came home from the store or a get together. Even at 5 a.m. she was for sure the "good." there were pictures of her in a wig from when she lost her hair to chemo. Scary pics of me wearing it, looking a bit like a Rocker with my beard and her wig. Fun times that we shared to make softer of the reason there was a wig to share.
As I looked through the rest of the pictures, they took me down a twenty-four year road of memories. Needing to stop and cry for a minute, I realized that there were no Ugly pics. There were no pictures to be shunned or hidden. These pictures were a chronicle of a life spent filled with love and caring and tears and smiles and lessons that we would live by then...and that I live by as best as I can today. A remembering of a love so beautiful that I know God must have surely seen something good in me to have blessed me with such photographs of Love caught on camera.
I smiled as I packaged the pictures together and moved them from my drawer to the strong box. With them I placed a note written to my daughters. It simply says, "these are yours to remember that each of these pictures shows one thing. They show your mother was still with us. Let them tell you now that she still is and always will be. there are no Uglies in pictures, only life and memories to cherish. Love Dad."
Have a look at your old photo album when you get the time. And remember, there are good, there are some frighteningly bad... But there are truly no Uglies.

Things I know about Seasons...

Seasons are defined as time changes in the earths temperatures, generated by a tilt of the earths axis.As I have thought about this over the years, I see a direct parallel to seasons of our lives. Things that happen, people we meet and events that change our own personal world.
Throughout my life, I have watched people enter and stay and sometimes leave my life. Some have come to stay and may be with me until my own season of time is finished here on earth. Very often, people were placed in my life, I believe by God, that were to be with me until a certain lesson were learned. At times, they shared my life until they themselves found answers to their own questions. I have not always known the reasons why someone was brought into my world or why I was brought into theirs. I do know that everything we do, every person we meet, every love we share has it's season.
Our lives are truly one journey through out the seasons. We begin in the spring, new life coming forth into the world. Much like the true spring, we may bring beauty and warmth to the world around us. We may be as flowers or trees that fill in a place in a vast forest of humans. We may also be the "weeds" that come forth and cause the hurt and pain and ugliness we see in the world at times. At any rate we begin our seasons there, in the spring of our lives. As we grow, we may see storms or patches of cold left over from a winter before us. Things that happened before we ever were that effect our lives. Our families medical history or some "skeleton" that hides in our families closet.
As we grow and learn, new events and new people come into our lives. Some are there because of the roads we choose to walk on. Others come to us because someone bigger than you or I knew we would need them in our lives, even if only for a season. How we learn from or do NOT learn from these people and happenings forms the next season of our life. That "Tilt on our axis or the warmth of the sun shining closer to us at times in our lives.I think back to my brothers hand being placed on my shoulder, me to become his eyes at such a young age. I was his eyes and he was my teacher... for a season. A preparing and nurturing of my character that would bring to me compassion and patience I would need for another season in my life. The Summer of my life, learning to give of myself and to find the good in things presented to me. Not to be bitter or resentful as I could have turned. A time of growth that would bring with it life and love and smiles and sorrows. Laughter enough to carry me through to the next season of my life. Sadness to teach me to know the hearts of those that felt the sting and pain of loss or heart break. thinking now of My Sheila, the love we shared and the pain and sadness we sometimes endured so that we could see the next season of our lives. The compassion and love and patience taught me by helping my brother and working with disabled that I had know way of knowing would be needed when I fell in love with My Angel. We would walk through our life as it were in the summer. Sometimes simply enjoying the warmth of the sun, the lake and its beauty and the joy that summer brings to every one that vacations, is out of school for the summer or simply loves NOT being cold. Yet other times of the same season, being burned by the sheer heat of the season, not covering ourselves enough with protective lotions, leaving our skin and our heart open to burns and pain.Watching as the heat of things in our lives tried so hard to scorch and burn away the love from our life. Trying to take away the beauty of the flowers that were our spring. Finding that we, together could comfort one another and bathe each other in loves soothing ointments of caring and compassion. Learning that the burns and the pain healed over in time if we were patient and cleansed the wounds faithfully.
And then came Autumn. A season when the days are shorter and softer. A time when the heat is not so searing and the nights give way to a cool that allows us to sleep sweeter. A time that often brings with it a cold wind that bites at us when it finds us unprepared for its sting. Still dressing casually, exposing our arms and legs to the elements surrounding us. We think we won't be caught the same way the next year and yet it happens again. We prepare for the change in season and still... it nips at our ears and fingertips. This season of my life, a season I swore for 24 years I was prepared for, bit me. Never believing for a moment that my summer would end, knowing she would always be beside me, My world Tilted on it's axis. Catching me still walking hand in hand in the summer of love, I foolishly looked away for a moment and my summer was gone. the warmth of the sun replaced by the cool of aloneness. An emptiness that left me exposed to all I thought I had prepared for. My Autumn clothes still sitting, waiting to replace my summer wear, not yet placed in my dresser. In the blink of an eye, summer was gone and Fall was here.
But with the "Fall" season came the thing that it was originally known by. Harvest season. A time to gather and reap all that had been mine and hers. To sit back and remember the beauty of our spring. A place to recall the warmth of our summers love. To look at the two daughters she and I created together and smile. Now a time to see new people and new lives brought into mine. Lives that I learned from life, might only be with me for a season. A time, long enough for them to find something lost or to show me something I thought gone with my summer. Perhaps not four seasons again, but a springtime of awakening. Seeing new beauty and remembering the past beauties in my life. The blessings that would sustain me through the impending winter. To bring in from the fields of experience, things I will need to live through another winter. Another time of bundling up and finding ways to stay warm and combat the harshness that is winter. The knowing that there Will be another spring. There will be a summer of smiles and laughter as I watch my grandchildren play and grow. A springtime that will bring me home, full circle to My Love and heaven.
To everything there is a season... I do not know what the season hold in store for me. Neither do any of you. But I do know that people are brought into our lives for a reason and a season. Sometimes we get all four seasons with them and sometimes... they are only here until we learn something of ourselves or they learn something of themselves. No matter how long or short the awakening, enjoy it to its fullest, share all you are able too and do not try and take the seasons too fast. You may miss the very reasoned it rained or the sun shined. Even the snow has it's purpose.
God bless you All... Darrel

Things I know about Surveys...

I wanted to write about a survey site that has impressed me. I do a lot of on-line surveys daily. Some pay in gift cards, some in points and some pay in cash. The problem is that often the sites either don't pay you like they promised, pay you pennies for a lot of reading or leave you waiting forever to see your money. And yes, there are those that do not ever get around to paying you.
When I come across a really good site that really does pay you and pay you quick, I want to promote it a bit. One such site that I have found is this one... TreasureTrooper. I have been with a lot of sites that for years I havent really made too much money. Certainly not enough to brag about. But TreasureTrooper is a site that at least once a month you can expect to get a check from and that check will be no less than $20.00 and is foten much more than that. With the surveys and referals and a few other fun things to do, you can see checks for hundreds of dollars. And you don't have to take my word for it, you can go to their site and see the results.
I have cashed another check from them and my daughter and I enjoyed a very nice night out for dinner on them with money to spare. Give them a try. You are online anyways and it only takes a few minutes a day to earn some spending money. Try it out and tell them boogieman_50627 sent you. I am happy to do so and you... will be happy you did. Always, Darrel

Things i know about Hugs...

As we left the hospital where my Father laid, recovering from surgery, a strange thought crossed my mind. Each of the family not only Hugged my father, but we in turn hugged each other. I thought about each time we see each other, and that is at least two or three times a week, we always hug one another when we are leaving. We have always been a huggy family. I was raised in a very loving family and church I think might have been some of the learning about hugs too. Whenever you left church, you either shook hands or hugged. No one seemed shy to do this and so it became a sort of life-style. I thought about the feeling that the hug left me with as I walked away that day. It wasn't just a feeling of happiness. It was more a feeling of being loved or cared about. A feeling that someone cared enough not to be to shy or embarrassed to hug me.
Throughout my life, hugs have been used for so many reasons. I used them as a greeting to someone I had not seen in a while. By that hug, I could tell if they were truly happy to see me or just "going through motions." Hugs were there when someone did good or someone caused others to smile. Those same hugs were there for me so many times throughout my Love and my years of walking through her illness together. Times when her body hurt so badly, that the only intimacy we could share was talking and hugging one another. It was a way of showing one another that we loved and wanted to be with each other. It sustained us many times through out our life together. Hugs were a way of communicating without saying a word. To simply walk by someone you love or someone that is hurting for any reason, to squeeze their hand or hug them gently from behind is the silent way to say "I care."
There are so many benefits to a hug, both emotionally and physically. The world that shuns hugs or the person embarrassed by them is missing out on not only a wonderful feeling inside, but very often a physical feeling that has healing powers beyond your imagination. Some of the benefits to a hug are a renewing of your sense of worthiness. At times when you feel down or feel as if you serve no purpose, a simple hug from someone can place your mindset into a whole no view. It can help one to heal because I learned through life that attitude is more than 50% of healing. A hug can give you a better attitude which in turn gives you a better chance at healing.
I sit here and I think of the people in prisons or on death row. My mind can not help but wonder how many of those people might not be there had they had the benefits of more hugs when they were younger. Many of them never knew the feelings of hugging and the emotional bonding that came with the hug. Something so simple, something that takes less time than it does to say "Hey, great to see you" could have changed their lives. Something so simple and yet so powerful as a hug.
When a newborn enters the world, that baby is placed on the mothers breast to be embraced. That isn't always the first time that gift of heaven has been hugged. Sheila and I hugged our baby girls even while she still carried them inside of her. Did they feel that hug? I say "yes." A baby born to a happy mother is a healthier baby. Those hugs were felt by that precious angel long before he/she would ever see this world. The bonding that takes place when a newborn is placed on its mother body is ever lasting. Few things in this world are matched by a "baby hug."
I sit here and think about the fact that my family hugs as much as they do. I wonder if those hugs had been absent in our lives, how close would we be. I wonder even more, if they had not been there, how would I have known how much my family loved me? Stop for a minute and think about the feeling you got the last time a little baby wrapped it's fingers around yours. The trust and the unconditional love that came with that tiny hug is indescribable. If that gihugically of a feeling can come from something so tiny, just think what a "bear hug" could do for you or someone you love.
The next time you want someone to know how much you care or that you are there for them, just reach out and Hug them. It is one of the best "two-way" blessings you will ever know. "HUGGSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS to you all. Darrel

Things I know about silence...

Silence... A word that is so multi-dimensional that it can bring with it everything from tears to smiles, from screams to an Abyss. There is a Silence that appears when your children leave home, even if just for college. But the word abyss didn't seem to have the full impact that I was and am experiencing right now. The "empty nest" syndrome is at times a silence we could all to without. A house so noisy with the sounds of screaming and laughing that it deafens you... suddenly in minutes, the silence can be more deafening than the sounds you were just hearing. Sounds that were likely often traced by your own scream of "Lets keep it down" or "inside voice!!" You find yourself wishing you could hear just one more scream or one more "Dad, she won't stop touching me!!!"
Today, an Abyss fell heavily over my home. Two little girls that I have watched and cared for, smiled and laughed with as well as cried with, left to go home with their mother. The house, empty of toys I have tripped over and books and papers strewn all over the tables, seems like that deep hole that is defined as an "Abyss." Oh, what a huge house it suddenly becomes again. Is that an echo I can hear in a room where they had art tables and a t.v. and DVD player?
Were they my kids? Did I help create them? No... but they were such a deep. fulfilling part of my life. they were my smiles and my frustrations in the morning. They have been my laughter and my tears for 2 years. And they have made me remember when my girls were little and when they were growing up. They have caused me to think about all the feelings that came with watching my two daughters go from toddler to teen to young ladies and even one to become a Mrs.
I won't take away from one single parent their heart felt Abyss for when their own children left home. I won't proclaim to know what they did or did not feel when their own "Abyss" came into their home. But I will say that this happening follows the blog I wrote about change. The write that said I did not do good with change and that the disorder causes the very tiniest change to be Gihugic. Words that for-saw and warned of an eminent Low that would sink me for a time.
It brings back to the surface thew blog about guilt and blame and reasons to deal with the blame in my own way. Blame taken on in the hugest form of the word that says that I have hurt another soul because this disorder leaves me unable to be who I need to be for some. The same disorder that caused me to move into a separate room, away from the woman I loved forever and ever because I could not be around people 24/7. A state of mind that takes me places most never want to go, even me. And yet... here I am today. A place described for you best in a poem I wrote for someone that wanted to know what a day in the life of someone with Bipolar Syndrome was really like. I close this blog today with that very poem. I will sit and I will ponder all that has happened. And I will once again question what purpose I serve here in this world.
An Abyss can be a deep hole in the ocean. Or... it can be a deep silence in your life...
-------------My poem---------
Even Angels Won't Go
To those that truly want to understand our day...

My mornings all start out the same everyday
I wake and I write down all the reasons I should stay
Still tired from the sleep that almost did not come
I write half asleep and I feel my fingers go numb
Confused as to whether I am happy or sad
wondering if the day will turn out good or bad
I think "damn I made it through another night"
but whether that's a good thing in my mind I will fight
this bipolar brain of mine is waking real slow
as I drift off to places even Angels won't go
The dark places I will go throughout my day
will help me decide if I go or I stay
You asked me to walk you through my day and so
I hope you will follow me where even angels won't go
I will struggle to do all the chores there are to do
perhaps they will be easier since along with me I have you
We will wash up the dishes from last night sup
and then I'll let you come with me and help me straighten up
We will run to the store but you'll have to watch me
sometimes around people I cease to even be
Instead I will become a scared and confused man
please be an angel and gently take my hand
Now listen Death black fairy as I whisper real low
quietly lead me from this darkness where even angels wont go
We will laugh just a little and smile now and then
but somewhere in my day the darkness will come again
If you will be patient with me and treat me with tenderness
I will give you the best of me because I never give less
Then this evening we will watch a little T.V.
and I'll play my guitar and maybe you will see
I'm am an author and poet and a songwriter too
After dinner I will write a love song for you
Now it's past midnight and I think it's time that I show
the place that I've talked about where even angels won't go
Look at the little boy so very sad and afraid
who remembers the wrong done to him as if only yesterday
The babysitter scared him first then crawled into his bed and lied
saying if he touched her and made her smile the monsters would all die
She reached down and did things that at seven he did not know
They didn't come to save him so it must be where angels won't go
Can you see the things she is doing to him and teaching him to do to her
tell me Death black fairy if you can also feel his hurt
Finally softly I begin to slip off into a restless sleep
hoping for awhile you will care enough to stay right here with me
You wanted to walk with me and experience my day and now you know
why I battle with myself daily to not go where even angels won't go...

Things I know about "Change" and its effects...

Change. Such a simple word it seems and yet... Not simple at all. When I first became "manic" I was a change freak. I moved my furniture around sometimes every night and never did it stay the same for more than a week. I think i was manic long before I realized it. My brother, who is blind, lived with me for a time when we were younger. I feel bad today and think back and wonder why he didn't beat the S*** out of me. I would change the furniture around at 2 or 3 in the morning, while he slept. He would get up and by remembrance, sit where the "chair" was when he went to bed. I would hear a THUMP. That sound was expanded by the "colorful Metaphors" that will remain unwritten here. The change was something I had to have. Sometimes for a release of pent up energy and other times just because it was needed inside of me.
As the "manic" evolved into what it is today inside of me, the Bipolar of course, things changed totally for me. No longer did I move the furniture around in the middle of the night. It became just the opposite. If something was moved from where I placed it, Unless it was placed there by me, I freaked. I could walk into my house and tell you immediately if something had been moved. I would put it back where it went and then i could go on with my day. To add something to the walls, the floor, any place, and it sends me into a confused state of not sure what to do and how to deal with it. Change has become my enemy and even to sleep in a different bed or place takes time for me to adjust to the surroundings. I have to process it and make it ok in my head.
I have changes coming up in my life soon that I fear where they will put me. Totally different and life will change for me drastically. The comfort of everyday will change for a time. If I should wake and realize that there are in fact changes surrounding me, my day will be mixed with uncertainty and trying to place things in places of my mind I can deal with, even for the day. Adjustments come slow to me but they do come. Change is a frightening thing as it takes the "safe zone" out of whack for me. Anxieties will run high and lows will bounce around me like a pinball machine.
Those that deal with someone that is Bipolar daily or weekly i am sure have seen these very issues that I am talking about. You have seen the movements and the apprehensions in them. You have experienced their frustrations, not only at the changes, but at themselves. How angry we get and how stupid we feel because of HOW we Do react to changes. It is embarrassing and leaves us very exposed and vulnerable. Think about their reactions to change and I think you will understand what I am saying. This is a very real part of being Bipolar and it exists every single day in our lives.
Changes... a simple word? Not in any way. Always, Darrel

Things i know about Forever Love...

Forever Love. It's a song, a statement, a dream and something that DOES exist. Funny thing, I went to Google and looked for a definition to the phrase. I found nothing. Maybe because there really isn't a single definition of the phrase. I did manage to find a story written about forever love It is beautiful and I do hope you take the time to read it. So what Do I know about forever Love? What prompted this write tonight?
Tomorrow we will gather together as a family to celebrate my parents 55th anniversary. Now I know that isn't yet forever but to some it might seem that way. I watch my parents and see them still hold hands at the table. I watch them interact with each other and see the way they know one an others thoughts. They have been with one another long enough to move as one. Does forever love mean without a glitch ever? No... It means that they weathered the storms and held tight to the love they have always known.They walked through fires and came out with a deeper love. They showed us, their children what it was to love forever. I know 55 isn't really forever but I know that when one of them goes to heaven, the others forever will be waiting until they are together again. I am blessed to be watching them celebrate so many years together and still be in love.
How do i know so much about forever love? Because My Forever Love left too soon. She went to heaven when we had only 25 years together. And we too weathered things that some would have said "No thanks" too. And we remained In Love and so my forever love will carry me through until she and I see each other again.
Celebrate with me 55 years of Forever Love with my parents.I think that many years and still holding hands is worthy of a Blog. Always, Darrel

the way this Thing "bipolar" effects my day

People have asked me many questions about this disorder called Bipolar. The questions range from "where did it come from" or "when did it start" to the one I will discuss today.It has taken me 5 hours to write what you see as the final draft here. I have written and erased. I have sat and stared blankly at the screen. I have cried as my mind went back to all the things that helped make this a REAL issue. the question was asked... "How does it effect your "daily" routine? Does it give or take away from your day when it is strong?" The answer is this.
Today I woke at 5 a.m. and started my day. The previous day had ended for me at 3a.m. Wide awake as if I have slept for 10 hours, I go down and get a cup of coffee. I come into the computer room and sit down. I talk to a couple of friends but today is an extremely "Bipolar" day for me. My talking is abstract because my mind is everywhere. I think about days to come and those that have passed me by already. I worry about how I will get through this day. A moment later, i am care free and don't care what happens today because I have chosen to be happy. uh Huh............
My friends think i am ignoring them and I apologize 1000 times to them. They tell me it's OK but it isn't inside of me. The "going to be happy" is quickly replaced with a feeling of loss and of worthlessness. A feeling inside that nothing i have ever done was more than just average. That I have accomplished nothing more than what any other person in the world has. And that simply isn't good enough for me today. I go outside, it is a beautiful day. I reach for the rake and then set it down. I fear that if i rake i will loose my train of thought and forget something important. NOT that there is something I need to remember, mind you. I feel down and ready to cry. I wonder why My Sheila isn't here to touch me, smile at me and tell me it is alright.
Ahhhh, but then i have to quickly shit that thought down. I have lost friends because I speak of her too much. I have watched love pass me by because she is so strong in my heart. How many times did I write this and erase it? I don't remember. Life has blessed me with more love and kindness and gifts than any one man ever ever deserved. I should be the happiest man on earth. Oh what love I have known.
There are those that do not believe Bipolar is anything more than a means to "get away with stuff." They think I can turn and walk away from this, choose to NOT be Bipolar today or ever again! I offer this to anyone that wishes to take it on. I curse myself for saying that because I wish it upon no one ever! I type this now frantically because I am afraid I will loose it all and delete it.
I want to NOT have this make people look at me and say "Why would I buy a book from him? He is NOT right." "Whoa, this guy needs some serious meds." "Damnnnn, and he is walking the streets???"
I have wash to do that isn't getting done. Friends to talk to and write that I have neglected and caused them to feel bad. Even if it is not so, it is inside my mind today.I look at my watch and see the time. Where has this day gone too. It is over half finished and NOW, I want to do all the things that needed done earlier. Shame on me! Confusion and sadness, smiles and laughter. Love and anger and silence and noise. they all go together for me today and they all clash today for me.
I am sorry to ALL of my friends that I have neglected you. You have seen me here, know I am here and yet I can not carry on a conversation with you for more than 3 minutes because I might have something I have not done today. Something that did not get done because i spent the entire day unable to make a decision. Wore out from doing mostly nothing? Yes, because my mind is tired and yet it will not let me sleep. Too many things to do today.
Welcome to My world, my friends and readers. This is a world you would not want to be in for 1/2 a second. To maintain this world and get up each day and go through days where None of this occurs is a job all by itself. I give my best and love deeply and purely. I want so to know a life of just growing old with someone. But I know what a chore it is to be with me. I know I am high maintenance. But I know that the Love I give to you is deeper and truer than any love you will ever know.
Welcome to the world of being Bipolar. I am a great author and singer. I am the best friend you will ever have. And I am abstract and lost sometimes and have no clue why anyone would want to be with me. Does it effect my daily life? You answer that one. I think it is written right here.
I am so sorry to those I neglected today. I hope this helps you understand. God Bless you and know I love you all. Darrel

things i know about Faith...

Faith...a word we here all the time, used in so many different ways. Faith in oneself... is the best and safest course." Michelangelo... Faith is building on what you know is here, so you can reach what you know is there.Cullen Hightower... Keep the faith... I have faith in you. There really are so many. But i wonder if we understand the words we are saying.
I think back to my Sheila and how very often I used that word. "Baby, our faith in God will get us through." "Of course she will be alright, I have faith." "I have all the faith in the world in you. You will do fine, baby." All statements of faith that I said more times than I care to count to and ABOUT My Sheila. But it is the understanding of the word that made it all right with my world.
I was raised in a wonderfully christian home. My father was an Elder of the church and he preached for many years. Faith was always a very big part of our growing up. We prayed for people, animals, situations and anything that was sometimes bigger than us. I don't claim to always know why the prayers of faith worked. I only know that they DID work and I continued to and continue to believe. Believe is the meaning of the word faith. I found that by believing that things would go well, normally they did. 15 times doctors came to me and said Sheila would live. They didn't know who they were dealing with nor of OUR faith in God to sustain her and keep her alive. I always believed and walked away smiling as I knew that she would be alright. When someone would say to me,"Do you think she will make it this time? And 15 times I said "Of course she will make it!I have the faith for both of us."
The truth in it all is she was alright for 20 years longer than the doctors said she would be. I saw her wake from comas after months of sleeping. I saw her walk for 50% of our life when doctors said she never would again. And through it all, we took our faith with us and watched her heal time and time again. The last time she was in the hospital was such a long time. She was terribly sick again and had just woken from a coma again. Supposed to stay in the hospital for another 3 weeks, suddenly the doctors came to me and told me to take her home. I did just that and for 8 days she was with us. She saw all of the family and smiled like she always did. This time, she had a trachea and I cleaned it and helped her with it each and every day. She woke on the seventh morning and said something didn't feel right to her inside. I rushed her to the hospital where after many hours the doctors did emergency surgery. An hour or so before that, i was going out to have a cigarette and she touched my hand and asked me not to go yet. Still believing and never faltering, I stayed at her side until she fell asleep again. When they took her to surgery I smiled at her, we said I love yous and still... I believed I was simply waiting for them to correct the problem and away we would go again, back home. When the surgeon came out tooooo soon and said he could not save her, I fell to my knees crying and begging him to try again.
I remembered a question asked of me a few days before this happened. I was asked if I thought she would live through this last ordeal. I answered unlike I had ever answered in my life with her. I said I wasn't sure and prayed God to do what he would but not to make her suffer any more. And then I realized that from the moment the doctors had said "take her home", that God had taken over. My faith had not wavered ever nor had hers. It was time and we had our last few days together. In his grace, he took My Love the way she so deserved to go to heaven. She slowly over a few hours, went to sleep. Her last words were "I love you, always... I don't hurt now."
Her faith had taken her through 24 years of life and living and smiles and raising her girls and taking care of her husband and her home, in spite of all she battled daily. What I know about faith
is this. With out it you really have no where to turn and no one to turn to when it gets "bigger than you." To have faith, to believe no matter what life tosses at you gives you a place to rest. It is a word we use without thought sometimes and yet it is one of the most...if not THE most powerful word in the universe. So when you tell someone you have faith in them or to have faith, you really are giving them the greatest encouragement and the greatest compliment as well as the best advice you could ever give.
It gave me 24 years with the most precious lady any man could be blessed to have in his life...

Something that made me smile...

Every once in a while, words come across your screen that touch you in the most wonderful way. They give your heart a reason to smile and your soul to breathe a bit gentler. They are words that can take you from a rough low to a moments High. A high you want to hold on to for as long as you can. I have had words that do that to me cross over my screen today. Words that I will hold onto for a very long time. Words that came to me from a lady that recently bought "Until Death Do We Meet" through me so as to have a signed novel. I often sell both my novels from my home for people that wish to have an autographed novel of mine on their nightstand to read. I think I may enjoy a sale like the most.
The young lady that purchased my novel wrote to me to tell me she had finished the novel. After reading her words, and slowly absorbing each and everyone of them, I asked her if I could post her words online and she was so very kind and is allowing me to do so. I thanked her when I wrote to her and am Now thanking her for her kindness and for writing the words that uplifted me in wonderful ways. {Debbie} found words that made my questions of whether I should continue to pursue this career as a writer or not. I thank her for that from my heart.
This is what she had to say about Until Death Do We Meet.

"Hello Darrel, I had a few minutes and I wanted to write you to tell you thanks for the tears ,and the most wonderful book i have ever read, right from the start the book took me in and I could almost feel the pain and love in my own heart. As I read on I became so attached to the people in the story, that by the time it all ended I felt it was a part of me I was putting to rest. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for the great story and when I get home from vacation I am going to write a summery of this book and get it out on the Internet. I believe everyone needs to read this story. Now you get busy writing the next book, I want to read it, and I'm also going to order from you the other book."
That is the kind of words that every author wants to as much as needs to see. Again I say Thank YOU to Debbie for her beautiful words of encouragement. I WILL keep writing. Always, Darrel...........

Things i know about passing on our traits and health issues.

We all want our children to have something of "ours." We want them to have our eyes or our hair. We want to hear people say "You are a mini version of your Father." Pride swells and we step back and say "YEP!" What a great feeling it is inside to watch our children act like us.O.k. well mostly.
Mostly means what about the traits we Do NOT want them to "inherit?" What about the smoking, the temper, the things we wish we hadn't inherited from our own parents or grand-parents? Certainly if we have health issues, it is to be assumed that one or all of our children are going to get them. They are passed on through our system into theirs. Diseases like heart conditions can be passed on to our children. Allergies, cancer and may other illnesses can leave our children predispiditioned to inherit any number of diseases. One reason it is so important to know your families medical history.
But what about depression? What about being Bipolar? Can these disorders be passed on to our children? I think in many ways we can and do pass these issues on to our children.It is documented that we can pass on our depression to our children. I don't think we pass these things on only genetically. Our actions, which our children witness no matter how hard we strive to hide it. They see the way we react to issues that surround ours and their world. if we close ourselves off from people our children will begin to close themselves off.
I am bipolar and I have turrets. I ahve seen some of my issues in my daughters. Things that at times I didn't even realize some of the actions I was passing on until i saw it in them. Traits, actions, that I would have NOT passed on to my daughters if given a choice. The bipolar caused actions and desiscions that my daughters also witnessed.
The good in all of this is that they as well as I, have a safe place. A place {person} that I can turn to who does and will understand moods and tears and highs and lows. What we pass on to our children isn't something we have a say in. They simply happen. Do not live in guilt for what you passed on to your children. BE THERE For them and understand and Love them. You will all be alright if you stay focused and enjoy life. Always, Darrel

things to learn about the power of "word of mouth."

What exactly is "word of mouth"? Well, the definition given is longer than mine. Simply said, it is telling another and another and another about something you read or heard and think they might be interested in. If I read a fantastic book, I will tell my friends. They read it and tell a few more friends. Much like a good movie, the increase in volume of those that see it can be enormous. Does it work? I would like to think so.
Now this in fact may be a what appears to be a cheap, though not so terrible way to sell a book or two. If it does come off that way than I will recall for you the writer that many, many years ago could not afford to print up nor advertise his novel in volume. Searching for a way to make more sales, he had 50 books printed up. he used all that he had in the way of money except enough to travel by train from place to place. He would leave a book or two on a seat in one of the train-cars each time he exited. He did this until all 50 books were gone except the one original that he held himself. As people read this book while they were traveling, many found they could not finish it before they reached their destination. As times were different then, rather than steal it, they would take down the name and the author and inquire to the address inside the first page. Within one year 100,000 copies had been printed and sold.
Yes, the book was good but it was by "word of mouth" that it sold as it did. Can this procedure still work today? Does it still work today? Ask Hemingway or Koontz or any of the other #1 best sellers what sells their books for them. After they are Gihugic, my own little word, their name speaks for them. but it all starts by someone telling someone about someones book or movie or food.
So this blog is about what??? It's about ME! It's about YOU! It is about me learning if "word of mouth" is as effective as those before me found it to be. Books are written about just this subject. See for yourself.
So,let's just imagine for a moment that the Internet is a train-car filled with seats and seats of people. Imagine again if you will that I just left my two novels, Abduction and Until Death Do We Meet on the seat. You didn't have the chance to finish it and really wanted to read it. boogieman_50627@yahoo.com will get you a signed copy if you order it directly from me, the author.
A strange way to advertise a novel or two? Not really. I just left my novels on about 1 million seats across the Internet. I am learning and will pass on to You just how well the Power of "word of mouth" works. Darrel