Tuesday, February 17, 2009

A little more about Bipolar... or maybe the same.

It is quiet here today. I look out of my window and wish for Spring. Not so different than anyone else. I see signs that it won't be too much longer and yet the forecast says "more snow." The quiet is almost deafening today and yet a part of me is wishing for it to stay. Sometimes people mistake my desires, I think the desires of most bipolars, when I say I want to be alone. Alone isn't always what it may be to others. Certainly there are times when alone, in silence is exactly where I want to be. We all do from time to time. But my "alone" is sometimes a very different kind.
Have you ever felt very alone in a crowd? Of course you have or at least most have. But being alone isn't always about the silence. It is about that feeling of wanting to be somewhere that people are, but with people you do not know. In that crowd, you can relax a bit and not feel as if you are being watched. It can be loud and yet so very relaxing and silent. Do I make any sense at all? It makes perfect sense to me. The silence I have here with me today isn't that kind. It is the kind that allows my mind to run rampant. It allows my thoughts to seem like a 6 lane highway with a bottle-neck effect happening. The thoughts viaing for a place to get out and yet the alone only makes room for more thoughts to push in from behind.
Those of you that live with a loved one that is bipolar might see this from time to time without really understanding why the inflicted acts so different now and then. They say to leave them alone and you do. You are then confronted with an anxietic loved one and all you know is that you did exactly what they asked you to do. They touch your hand and they snuggle up to you. You respond in like and they push you away as if you had done something wrong. Welcome to the world of roller-coastering. A world that there are times you could not do right even if it WAS right a second ago. This is where I am today with my silence. A place that has me screaming "where are you... I need you" and yet my heart races at the thought that you might actually show up and I would then have to deal with that issue. Sadly, it is a no-win situation for those that love us so dearly.
Make no mistake about this. It is no less confusing for me or for your loved one that suffers from this disorder than it is for you. The ride is no less hard on my insides than it is on yours. And I hate this being me as much as you must hate not knowing whether to stay or go when I ask you to do either. Will you be a hero or the door to my next Low? I can't answer for you what I can not answer for my own self. I only know today... this very minute, I want the silence that is the noise of strangers. I want to mix and mingle and smile and talk and not know one single person I have spoken to when the day is over. I want to hear the loudness and feel it silent in my soul. Quiet isn't always my friend nor always my enemy. Today, it threatens me... threatens to take me where I really would rather not go.
So the next time you do exactly what your loved one has asked of you, do not feel bad if it has the opposite effect that you expected. It may actually have been exactly... what they were asking for. Silence, it has so many meanings, so many emotions, so many highs and lows. I just want to grab one of them today. At this point, I don't know that I care which. Always, Darrel


Jane Doe said...

I have been really antisocial lately and spending most of my time alone, which normally doesn't bother me, but sometimes I wonder if it's good for me. Probably not.

Darrel said...

Jane... I dont think it is ever a good thing but it is you and I, it is the way we are. Not a bad thing either but something we try our best to deal wth by the day, by the minute. It is good to know we have those that Do understand and know where you are right now. Hugsssssss I am always here.

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