Head or Heart... who should lead???

A simple question asked here and yet not simple to answer. Should you follow your head or your heart in your daily decisions? Does the issue you are trying to resolve make a difference? Yes, the event or the situation we are trying to decide for does make a huge difference. You would not need nor would you try to listen to your heart concerning wall-paper or a new couch. These are things that are decided on with your head. Will it match the furniture? Is it going to be in my budget? Answers that will come from logical deduction and personal likes.
Other issues, such as love or moving away or moving on... they are much harder. Listen to your head when you are falling in love? That is like quitting smoking, cold turkey. When you sit and dissect feelings of love, you cut away sometimes the most important things. Perhaps you have fallen in love or feel yourself falling for someone on-line. People will for sure say "Please, think about it. You have no idea who this person really is. Use your head!" LOVE rarely allows us that luxury. Maybe we can use our heads{gentlemen, that is the one on your shoulders lol} sometimes when we are loving someone. We can cut and slice and make a list of all the why we shoulds and why we should nots. I think if one needs to do that, perhaps they really should use their head. But emotions take over our hearts often without any help from our heads. We only know that we feel emotions for this person. A desire and need to be with them and feel one with them. We may say, using our heads "They are so far away " or "they are so different" "It can never work", but our hearts tell us to follow a path that in all likelihood will end in hurt or loss. And for me, I am a forever romantic and follow my heart into places that my head KNOWS I should not go.
Why? I think because the feeling of falling in love, the very essence of being loved back in that way are too beautiful to pass by. As Garth Brooks so wonderfully croons to us... "I could have missed the pain... but then i would have missed the Dance." Decisions based on emotions can be tornadic and intense, but they can also be the beautiful experience you will ever share with someone.
Brains for yard work... Your Heart for Love. It truly is a subject that touches us all sooner or later.
Always, Darrel

A little more about Bipolar... or maybe the same.

It is quiet here today. I look out of my window and wish for Spring. Not so different than anyone else. I see signs that it won't be too much longer and yet the forecast says "more snow." The quiet is almost deafening today and yet a part of me is wishing for it to stay. Sometimes people mistake my desires, I think the desires of most bipolars, when I say I want to be alone. Alone isn't always what it may be to others. Certainly there are times when alone, in silence is exactly where I want to be. We all do from time to time. But my "alone" is sometimes a very different kind.
Have you ever felt very alone in a crowd? Of course you have or at least most have. But being alone isn't always about the silence. It is about that feeling of wanting to be somewhere that people are, but with people you do not know. In that crowd, you can relax a bit and not feel as if you are being watched. It can be loud and yet so very relaxing and silent. Do I make any sense at all? It makes perfect sense to me. The silence I have here with me today isn't that kind. It is the kind that allows my mind to run rampant. It allows my thoughts to seem like a 6 lane highway with a bottle-neck effect happening. The thoughts viaing for a place to get out and yet the alone only makes room for more thoughts to push in from behind.
Those of you that live with a loved one that is bipolar might see this from time to time without really understanding why the inflicted acts so different now and then. They say to leave them alone and you do. You are then confronted with an anxietic loved one and all you know is that you did exactly what they asked you to do. They touch your hand and they snuggle up to you. You respond in like and they push you away as if you had done something wrong. Welcome to the world of roller-coastering. A world that there are times you could not do right even if it WAS right a second ago. This is where I am today with my silence. A place that has me screaming "where are you... I need you" and yet my heart races at the thought that you might actually show up and I would then have to deal with that issue. Sadly, it is a no-win situation for those that love us so dearly.
Make no mistake about this. It is no less confusing for me or for your loved one that suffers from this disorder than it is for you. The ride is no less hard on my insides than it is on yours. And I hate this being me as much as you must hate not knowing whether to stay or go when I ask you to do either. Will you be a hero or the door to my next Low? I can't answer for you what I can not answer for my own self. I only know today... this very minute, I want the silence that is the noise of strangers. I want to mix and mingle and smile and talk and not know one single person I have spoken to when the day is over. I want to hear the loudness and feel it silent in my soul. Quiet isn't always my friend nor always my enemy. Today, it threatens me... threatens to take me where I really would rather not go.
So the next time you do exactly what your loved one has asked of you, do not feel bad if it has the opposite effect that you expected. It may actually have been exactly... what they were asking for. Silence, it has so many meanings, so many emotions, so many highs and lows. I just want to grab one of them today. At this point, I don't know that I care which. Always, Darrel

A Family on the Run. The Ending...........

The Sheriff just stared at Frank for a minute as if he were trying to read his mind. He looked down at Allyn. "Don't you go dieing yet. I want your family to enjoy that moment. As for me, I just want to prove you Can die. Some of the people paying me are beginning to believe you can't." He motioned for one of the deputies to turn the T.V. on. "Let's see what is on the "tube" that you think would interest me, Frank."
The deputy did as he was told and began flipping through the channels. Some had movies and others were either Info-mercials or talk shows. He went through the channel listing twice. Frank's heart began to speed up as channel after channel proved to be nothing but the regular shows. Even the local news channels talked only of weather and daily news. His mind was racing as he looked at the beaten body of his friend laying on the floor. A man that had come to him, entrusted the life of his family to him and he had let them all down. He watched as Allyn turned his bloodied face to look up at him.
"I am sorry, my old friend. I meant to help you and it looks like I delivered you right into the hands of the devil himself. Forgive me for that."
The Sheriff smiled at Frank. "Well it is interesting that you would mention the Devil, Frank, Although I think you hurt my feelings comparing me to him." The Sheriff punched Frank in the stomach so hard that it dropped him to his knees. Frank coughed and choked as he stood back up. "After-all, they say the "road to Hell is paved with good intentions. Alright... I have waited long enough for whatever great revelation I was supposed to see! I want to know where the rest of this "un-killable" family is and I want to know Now!!!!" The Sheriff punched Frank again, this time so hard that Frank spit blood. "I am going to find them and when I do, because of this garbage here, I am going to take my time killing them. Who knows, I might even let the boys re-live "Prom Night."
As the Sheriffs words faded, Allyn pulled himself from the ground. As if suddenly possessed by insanity, he pulled the legs out from under the deputy nearest him. As the sheriff turned to watch him fall, Frank double fisted him in the back of the neck. The Sheriff fell forward onto his desk, spilling everything on it to the floor. Allyn was on his feet and beating back the second deputy. He managed to wrestle the mans gun free of it's holster and hit the deputy on the back of the head, knocking him out.
"That's it!" The room went silent at Allyn's outburst. "I am already a dead man. You said it yourself Sheriff! Do you think I care at this point who I kill!!??!! Now back off or you will be the first one to go! Tell your men to stand down or I'll blow you a new breathing hole in your head!"
The Sheriff did as he was told and his men stepped back. Frank took their guns and tossed all but one under the desk. "You just made the biggest mistake of your life, Boy!"
Allyn shook his head. "No Sheriff, you did when you first decided to come looking for my family." Allyn pointed at the T.V. "I think you are going to like this next show. It's called "This Was your life!" He reached forward and turned the volume up.
{{"The National Guard has already been put into to motion and should have the Sheriff's office managed in just a few minutes. Reports are still sketchy but according to very reliable sources, this reporter has learned that the cover up of Prince Raineed's apparent suicide has been broken. Sources say that the young Prince did not commit suicide nor was his girlfriend murdered by a member of the LaCrosse family. She was apparently killed the same night as the Prince, though my sources say the Princes' death was not suppose to happen. FBI agent as well as Government Officials are at the Governors Mansion as we speak, the cover-up believed to go this high. The District Attorneys Office is issuing warrants all over the State."}}
As they all watched the news, the front of the Sheriffs office suddenly was filled with National Guardsmen. They settled outside of the Sheriffs Office. The Sheriff just shook his head. "I guess you are un-killable. Damn, I hate you!"
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{One week later} "Well Allyn, it looks like they have rounded up the last of the ones involved in the murder and cover up. Our people have spoken to the Princes' family and they are working through all the Red tape. The sheriff's life isn't going to be a good one, for sure. I am sure somewhere he will meet one or two people he tossed in the Can."
"Frank, we would probably not even be alive today if not for you. We wish we had some better way to say thank you."
"You are alive, Diana. That is enough thanks. Besides, I have been offered a position with the new Governors Office. I think though that I am going to go back to Omaha and just be a cop."
"The Princes' family has talked with us. They are building us a new home and well, we are getting a little help from our own Government too, as thanks for bringing the truth out. We have some dark sun glassed men that seem to be our new companions as well. I think in a year, we won't even remember all of this."
"Are you kidding, Dad. I will still be writing books about this one then. They are calling us "The Unstoppables." Who knows, we may even be a cartoon or something."
They all just laughed together as they watched Sherry walking away. She threw her head back and smiled as she called out "No problem getting a date to the Prom this year, guys..."

I hope that you have enjoyed this as much as I have. Thank you from my heart for reading the story. Always, Darrel

A Family on the Run. 6th part

Sherry kept pressure on Leo's arm as best she could. She dabbed a cold towel across his forehead to try and keep him cool. Diana relieved her now and then to give her arm a rest. Tim leaned forward to listen to what Allyn and Frank were talking about.
"I knew the Sheriff was crooked. I could tell just by the way he reacted to my call."
"Frank, how did he know to call you? I am confused about that."
"He looked through your records from the court house, I am sure. He found someone that you might still be connected too and called. I am certain mine was not the only call he made.The problem we have now is that he will know soon that his men did not take us out. He seems to have resources at his disposal that get him where ever he wants to go. If the Governor is involved in this then he has unlimited aide."
"You mentioned a friend in the D.A.'s office."
"Not in the D.A.'s office, Allyn... he is the D.A. Straight as an arrow and true to his profession. He will make this all right. We just have to get there and the Sheriff isn't making it easy for us."
They drove on through rain and fog for the next several hours. Every car that passed them made them all go silent until it was out of site. The sign for Akron came up just as the Sun was doing the same. The Sun burned off the fog and the rain had stopped.
"Thirty miles and we will be there. I had lied to the Sheriff about my arrival time in hopes of surprising him but that was washed away when those friends of his tried to kill us. He will have a good idea of when we will get there now. Once we make it into town, things are going to be fast. I have to change my plans now that Leo is hurt. I am going to need all of you for this to work. I don't like putting your lives in danger but I..."
"Frank" Diana said as she touched his shoulder, "and we have been where with our lives since this started? Just tell us what you need. We are one tough family to kill."
"Thank you Diana. We are going to need to split up when we get there. Sherry, I will drop you and Leo off at the E.R. at Akron Medical. You need to tell them that he is your father. Leo has a false I.D. on him. Take it out of his wallet and that is who is is for now. They wont be able to pull much up on him except what we put in his files. You are Cloe. Stay with him and see that they take good care of him. Do not leave the hospital for any reason, please."
"I will stay right with him, Frank."
"Tim, you are going to go to the newspaper. I have all the information you will need. Give the papers to a Mark Longfield. No one else but him. Ask him if you can stay in his office as a favor to me. He will know what to do with the papers. Diana, I need you to go to the television station. Give the same papers to a Sid Mackey. He will keep you safe until he does what he needs to do. I am going to need you, Allyn, to be my back. We are going to go to the Sheriff's Office. It could get real ugly there so I am going to deputize you. If we pull this off, you will never have to worry about any of this ever again. We have one more stop to make before we do anything else."
Frank turned off onto a side road. He drove until he came to a junk yard.
"Stay here and I will be right back." Frank walked to a trailer used as an office. HE was met at the door by a man dressed in greasy clothes. He looked as if he had not washed in a very long time.
"Frank,what the hell brings you to this part of town? I thought you were living in Nebraska."
"Mike... I need a huge favor. You can't ask questions. I just need a van to borrow. I will return it as soon as I am done."
"Done with what?"
"See, you already asked a question. This is very important and I haven't got much time. Can you do this for me?"
"You got my brother and his girlfriend out of jail for me. I owe you big time."
"Well then it is pay-day, my friend. What you see you never saw, right?" "I understand, Frank. I will be right back."
Mike returned, driving a Chevy Blazer. "It's the best I have here right now. But the windows are tinted nicely. Had an idea you might want that."
"It will do just fine, Mike. Thank you." Frank backed the Blazer up to the van. Mike watched as they moved Leo to the back of the vehicle. The others piled in one after the other. "You need to hide this van somewhere until I come back for it. And remember, you never saw a thing here."
With a nod, Frank drove back towards town. There were police cars at nearly every intersection. Frank knew that was not the "norm" for the Sheriff. He was pulling out all the stops to catch them. He drove to the hospital and went inside and got a gurney. Loading Leo onto it, he squeezed Sherry's hand. "It will be alright, just do as I asked you to."
"I am good. I will make sure they take good care of him. Just bring my family back, please." Frank thought how sad it was that the teens had to become so very grown up in such a short time. He wished he could have done things differently for them.
He dropped Tim off first and after seeing him get inside safely, he dropped Diana off. "You take care of my husband, Frank. We still have a lot of living to do."
"I will bring him back safely to you. Just don't leave here without us." They watched her go inside and then headed towards Mid-town where the Sheriff's office was located. He saw Allyn look back towards where they had left Diana. "She is in good hands, Allyn."
"How do you know that for sure, Frank. Everyone and anyone could be a suspect."
"These men I trust with my life. They are good men and all served with me at one time or another. They won't let us down, that I do know. You need to focus on us now. If we don't do this right, then it will be you and I they are mourning for."
"What are we doing, Frank? You better let me in on the plan."
"Just follow my lead. Remember the Gulf War and you will be fine." Frank pulled up to the Sheriff's office. "You stay put and lay down on the seat for a minute. I will be right back out. If I don't come out, take this Blazer and go to the t.v. station. That is your safest bet. He will help get your family out safely." With that said, Frank got out of vehicle and walked inside the office.
"I need to see the Sheriff please." The deputy looked up at him and then back down again. Frank leaned forward and took the guy by the shirt. He snarled at him and said "Tell him Frank is here!" He shoved him back and the man got up and went to the back office.
"Frank" he heard someone say. He looked up and saw a heavy set man coming towards him. "I wasn't expecting you until later. What a pleasant surprise." He led Frank back to his office and shut the door. As the door slammed frank shoved him against the desk. "Listen you piece of... You aren't even worthy of a name! You knew damn well when I would get here. You sent those two goons to take me out long before I even got rolling! You can pick their remains up along the highway!"
"Frank, you are really in way deeper than you could imagine. You are a dead man walking."
"Is that what you think? You think I drove all the way here just to die!?"
"You must have... you came. Did you bring your friends along?"
"Oh, I brought them. In fact, you should be seeing them real soon."
"Let's not dance o.k.? We can be done with this and you can go back to your Omaha or where ever it is you live and forget about this whole thing."
Frank saw the sheriff motion to someone down the hall. The door opened and Allyn was tossed inside. Blood ran down his face as he looked up at Frank.
"Look what my men found while they were snooping around your truck. Now all we need is three more and we can be done." He walked over and kicked Allyn in the stomach. "This one wont be around to see the end of the show though."
As Frank lunged forward, the Sheriff hit his with his elbow. It caught Frank in the face and sent him backwards. "No, no Frank... you be a good boy or I will kill you first! Now where is the rest of this family!?!?! I am tired of this game!
"The rest of them? The rest of them are busy right now making sure that you never do this again. In fact, if you turn your t.v. on, I think you might be impressed."

A Family on the Run. 5th part

"I thought this man was your friend Dad!? He just locked us up in a huge cell. What do you classify as a friend!?"
Allyn stood staring at his daughter. He himself had no idea what to say. It was Diana that spoke out. "You do not speak to your father that way, young lady! He did what he thought was going to be best for us! I am sure Frank just wants to keep us away from people that want us dead."
"Why did they let that man go Dad? HE did try to kill us."
"I know he did Son. I am trying to sort it all out too. I hope that 25 years of knowing a man and trusting him pays off. Frank has always been true to his honor and I trust him to be that this time."
"People change Dad."
"Not Frank, Tim. We went through the Gulf War together. When he was ordered to pull back, we still had men in the field. Frank turned off his radio and led 12 men through that hot desert to bring them back. He took a bullet in his left shoulder saving one man. That man would have died if not for Frank. He lost his commission and was downgraded to a Sargent. It took a lot out of him and he left the service a year later."
"Well, I am glad for the man or men he saved but it still doesn't mean he hasn't changed."
"Tim... I trust in him because that man he took the bullet for, was me."
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"I would really like to bring them to you myself. I don't know who is and who isn't and I want to know that you get them. I will leave within the Hour so that puts us to you tomorrow around noon. And Sheriff... when you get them, I do not want to know. Are you understanding me?"
"I read you loud and clear, Frank. I will give you the ummm, reward money when you get here."
"Don't insult me!! I don't want your money. Just clean this mess up and be done with me."
Frank hung the phone up and went down the hall. He asked Leo, one of his most trusted officers and a good friend to help him make the delivery. Leo had never questioned Frank's actions before and he would not do so now. Frank depended on that loyalty. He walked into the holding cell room. An officer was half asleep, sitting at his desk. Frank kicked the chair and almost knocked the officer on the floor.
"Get up and open the cell door. Then go find something to do before I cite you for sleeping on the job!"
The officer opened the cell, layed the keys on the desk and made a hasty retreat. Frank walked into the cell and began removing the handcuffs from the family. He avoided their eyes as each one stepped away from him. He finally reached for Allyn's cuffs. Allyn pulled away from him.
"Stand still so i can get those cuffs off, please."
"What, we are not hardened criminals now? You think we might be safe to be around?"
"Please Allyn, you have to trust me. Until we are on the road, there is little more than I can say to you."
Allyn held his hands out and Frank removed the cuffs. Sherry walked over to Frank and slapped his face. Frank did not move but Allyn did.
"No Sherry, this isn't the way to do things."
"My father trusted you! HE believed in you and this is how you repay that trust!? You are no better than the men who tried to kill us!"
"I need to take you all to Ohio. I am returning you to the Sheriff there."
Diana could believe the words she was hearing. Her mouth sat agape as she listened to Frank talk. She looked over at Allyn and saw the look of shock written all over his face. This man that he had trusted with his life, his families life was nor betraying him. She felt a terrible sadness for the man she loved so much.
"Allyn, Diana..." his voice was a whisper now, "You will just have to draw on that trust and stand by it. I can't say anything more here."
He led them out of their cell and Leo followed him out to the police van that they were driving to Ohio. Frank signed the out and after everything was secure they were on their way to Ohio. The rain threatened to come back and the sky was beginning to darken. It would be nightfall very soon.
"Leo, open the cage so that I can talk to Allyn, please." Leo did as he was asked without question. Allyn moved forward so he was seated directly behind Frank and Leo.
"I thank you for trusting me, Allyn. I would not ever let a friend down. I think you knew that."
"I did, Frank. We go back way to far and have seen to much together. But I need to ask you something. What are we doing going back to Ohio. You know they will kill us as soon as they can."
"The only way I can get close enough to help you is to be directly in front of this Sheriff and his people."
"What about him?" Allyn nodded towards Leo.
"Allyn, this is Leo. HE is my most trusted officer and also the God Father to my children. His loyalty and friendship is as good as it gets. I trust him with my life. Once we get to Ohio, I will arrange a meeting with the Sheriff. I need to get him away from his helpers to be effective. You will be safe with Leo when I am at the meeting. I will gather as much information as i can and then try and arrest him. Leo will be hearing everything through a wire I am wearing. HE will contact the local paper and television station to be at the jail when we arrive. The media will make it a safe place for us."
They had traveled for 6 hours and the van needed gas. Frank turned into a small gas station. There was a little mom and pop cafe attached to the station. He fueled the van and bought a few snacks for the rest of the trip. The family went over to the cafe and ate a quick meal. It tasted fabulous and was the first real sit down meal they had eaten in weeks. Frank told them it was time to go and they all returned to the van. They had gone an hour down the road. Frank spotted two cars turn on to the road from out of no where. He had not seen them when he passed the spot they came out of. He watched as the cars got closer.
"Damn!"
"What is it, Frank?"
"The credit card!"
"What are you talking about."
"I used the stations credit card to get the gas. That means that if someone wanted to know where we were they would know from the station. Two cars just appeared out of no-where and I don't think it is just a coincidence. I need all of you to lay flat on the floor back there just in case."
Without a word, Allyn and his family snuggled together on the floor of the van. Frank saw the flashing lights go on in his rear view mirror. He knew that stopping would not be an option. Who-ever was behind him had no intentions of merely stopping the van. His experiences in life had made it easy for him to know trouble when it was upon him. These cars were definitely trouble, with a capital T. The cars were now close. One pulled along side the drivers door while the other got as close to the back end without touching the van. The cop in the car next to Frank's window motioned for Frank to pull over. Frank shook his head no and kept driving. The officer held up his revolver and motioned again for him to pull the van off the road. Frank again refused. The officer aimed his revolver at Frank and just as Frank slammed on the brakes he heard the gun fire. The red flame from the gun was easily seen in the darkness that had blanketed the outside. The bullet caught the front panel of the van. It did no harm to the van but the car behind was not so lucky. Frank felt the impact of the second car as it slammed into the back of the van. Screams filled the van and Allyn's family was sent sliding into the rear of the van. Tim's head slammed into the door and he was knocked out. The van door flew open and Allyn and Diana watched as the car slowed down and then burst into flames. They could see the drivers head bouncing off the steering wheel. Suddenly the car was engulfed in flames and exploded. Allyn pulled Diana into his chest and reached out for the door. He pulled it shut and slid back up front. The second cop was still firing at the van. One of the bullets whizzed past Frank and struck Leo in the arm. He winced with pain and used his good arm to aim his gun at the other car. Bullets screaming past Frank entered the other car. One hit the driver in the neck. HE grabbed where the bullet had entered and then the car turned sharply to the left. It's wheels skidded for a hundred yards before grabbing the road. In an instant, it flipped over side after side until it stopped, upside down on the highway. Unable to turn fast enough, the van hit the car straight on. The flames licked the windshield of the van as Frank sped up. He shoved the car to the side and never slowed down.
"Is everyone alright back there!?"
"We are good back here. Tim was knocked out for a minute but he is fine now. Just a headache I suppose."
"It is obvious that they do not want you back alive. We are going to go to Ed Landon's house when we reach Akron. He is the D.A. there. As trusted a friend as Leo. He will finish this for us. We will need to get that arm looked at too, Leo"
There was no response form Leo. Frank shook him and Leo fell forward. Frank saw the blood running down Leo's face. He stopped the van and look at Leo. the bullet had skimmed across Leos brow, enough to knock him out.
"Is he alright!!!!??"
"We need to move him back with you, Sherry. I need you to keep pressure on his arm wound. Allyn, you can ride up front with me. This my friends, is going to be a rough road..."

A Family on the Run. 4th part

"What do you think will happen to that man when we get to Omaha?"
"He tried to kill us, Diana. He will go0 to prison, I would think."
"And the truth? What is going to Happen when this King guy finds out that his son was murdered, no, Assassinated? Are we ever going to be safe again?"
He touched the tips of his fingers to Diana's cheek. "We will be fine, Love. We just need some help. And help is exactly where we are going to right now."
It was almost 7 p.m. when Allyn crossed the huge "Mormon Bridge on the very outskirts of Omaha. He drove slowly through the city, looking at everyone he passed and yet not seeing anything. He wanted only to get to Frank right now. Twice a car had pulled up next to them and Allyn could feel his heart skipping a beat. Every face was a potential enemy and every person, a suspect. Finally reaching the police station, Allyn sat motionless for a short time, wondering what or who he might find inside.
"I need for you kids to stay in the truck with the man until we find out what is going to transpire. If for any reason your mom and I do not come out with in 20 minutes or should officers come out here with out us, Tim, I need you to drive some where away from here. Find a place that looks like it might be safe for a time and wait for us. Here is some money in case you get hungry. Try and stay as hidden as possible. We Will come back to you."
Allyn and Diana walked into the police station. A burly man was standing behind the desk. He looked up and stared at Allyn and Diana as if he were sizing them up. He placed his pen down and nodded at them.
"What can I do for you two?"
"I am here to see Frank Darnell. He is a good friend of mine and we need to talk to him."
Without a word, the officer left the desk and walked down a short hall. He knocked and was told to come in. After just a few minutes, Allyn saw Frank coming out of the room with the officer. Frank reached out and shook Allyn's hand.
"I'll take it from here, Mike. Thank you." The officer nodded as Frank ushered Allyn and Diana into his office. "Tell me what brings you to Omaha, Allyn. Surely you didn't come to site see."
Allyn told Frank the entire story as Frank sat in awe of the tale unwinding before him. As Allyn talked, Frank began looking through old headlines of the local paper, where Allyn and his family had lived for many years.
"The man told you the truth, Allyn. There is a tiny story about your fire and goes on to say that 4 bodies were recovered from the fire. It shows a funeral for the four of you and then there is no mention of it after that. There is an article about the Prince returning to his homeland, but nothing more."
"We have one of the men that was sent to kill us out in his truck."
"Allyn, the word about a family running from the law has trickled down to other stations.Some of the precincts offered help and other declined. Too many holes in the story."
"What story are you talking about, Frank?"
Frank sat silent for a moment. HE took out a paper from his desk and showed it to Allyn and Diana. Diana began to cry as she looked at the paper. "They say that WE are criminals!? How... where did this story come from!?"
"Look, Diana, I know the story is bogus but at the same time, by law, I should be putting you two in a holding cell."
"God, Frank!!!! You can not be seriously thinking about arresting us!" Diana's voice began to get louder. "Look at us, Damn you! Look at these gashes and cuts all over us! Do we look like we killed someone!?"
Allyn was re-reading the paper. {the couple and their two teen aged kids are wanted for questioning in the deaths of John Seals and Christina Lockart. Seals appeared to be stabbed in the throat with what forensics believes to have been a shovel of sorts. Lockart was shot 3 times, once in the head and twice in the back. Both were found in the basement of the Bowing families burned house. Unsure of the connection between the two bodies. The female was wearing a ring inscribed to a Timothy Bowes, the son of Allyn and Diana Bowes. Police are liking the son for the murder of the girl. Possible link is the man was involved with Bowes' girlfriend, Christina and in a jealous rage, Bowes killed them both. Please advise if any of this family are apprehended and expedite them to the Coshocton County. All are to be assumed armed and dangerous.}
"This is bull and you know it, Frank! Why weren't we arrested as soon as we walked in!?"
"Because I told my men that I know you and to let me deal with you, Allyn."
"So now what, Frank? Are you going to arrest us? We came here hoping that at least You would listen and trust us. Now here we sit, wondering if we made a huge mistake in coming here at all."
Just then, the door opened. Tim and Sherry stood in the doorway, both in handcuffs. Sherry ran to her mom and started sobbing. "What is going on here, Mom? They arrested Tim and I and the guy we had tied up is telling the cops we Kidnapped him, for God's sake!!!!!"
"We just need to give Frank time to figure all of this out, right Frank?"
Frank stared at them for a moment. "What I am going to do is for your own safety. I can not keep you safe outside of this jail. I am going to put you in a cell until I can contact the right people."
"You are going to arrest us??? Damn you Frank, I trusted you!!! You can not do this too us!! We didn't kill anyone and you damn well know it!!!"
Frank motioned to two men standing in the doorway. They came inside the room and hand-cuffed Diana and Allyn.
"It's for your own good, Allyn. At least I can watch you here now."
The officers led the four of them away. Frank sat down and dialed a number from his Rolodex. "Coshocton County Sheriff? Yea Stan, I have that family you were looking for. When do you want me to send them your way?"

A Family on the Run. 3rd part

The van careened off the road and followed a path in between trees for a quarter of a mile. As the trees thickened, branches broke off against the van. One low hanging pine penetrated the windshield on Diana's side. It reached inside as if it were talons from some medieval fork lorn, it's claws grabbing her face and tearing the skin from the bridge of her nose to the top of her forehead. As if it had a grudge still unfulfilled, the branch reached out and sliced it's way across Allyn's cheek, opening a gash on it's way out. Allyn leaned over and covered Diana's body with his. As the van found the trunk of a large Pine, it came to a sudden stop. Allyn's body was forced up onto the dashboard and then back on top of Diana. The van as well as it's occupants did not move. Silence over took the inside of the van as each one of them slowly moved their bodies to be sure that they still could.
"Dad, are you alright?" Sherry's voice was weak and shaky. She unbuckled and leaned forward. Her outcry told Allyn and Diana how they must look. "God Dad, you guys are covered in blood! MY God, I am so sorry I made all this happen!"
Allyn forced himself off of Diana's unmoving body. She lay still under him, her eyes closed and her face covered in cuts and blood. His tears were involuntary, but the kiss he gave to her was not. He shook her a bit and waited for her response. He pressed his face to hers and felt the warmth of her breathing on his cheek.
"She is alive. She's hurt badly but she is breathing."
Both teens smiled and reached forward to hug their parents. "We have to get out of here. Whoever that was behind us can follow the trail we tore through these trees right to us."
"What about Mom? We can't leave her here alone?"
"I know that Tim. Listen... I am going to walk back to the road."
"Dad you can't! They will be waiting for you!"
Allyn reached into the glove compartment and pulled out a gun. It was the same gun that the man had tried to use the night their home was set to flames. "I am going to walk back and see if I can surprise whoever it is. They are going to figure us hurt or dead so maybe they won't be expecting me. You kids stay here and watch your mom. If you hear any shooting, you lock everything up and go hide in the woods. I don't care if you have to drag your mom. Just make sure you hide her with you. I will be back for you, I promise."
Allyn kissed Diana and climbed out the window of his door. He walked in the trees beside the trail, hoping to go un-noticed. HE stopped and hid as the sound of squeaky brakes echoed through the woods. He could see the white back-up lights and then nothing. He heard a door shut. He listened and then breathed a sigh. Only one door meant only one person to deal with. He heard the trees moving and someone cursing as they sound came closer. Ducking behind a tree, he listened as the footsteps and voice drew nearer to him.
"Freaking trees! I hope they are still alive so I can enjoy shooting them! They aren't paying me enough for this crap!"
As the man passed Allyn, he stepped out from behind the tree. Placing the barrel of the pistol against the mans neck, Allyn spoke. "You are so right! They didn't pay you enough! But then, you aren't going to be spending any of the money anyways!"
Allyn reached around the man and took his gun from him.
"Look Mister, I am just a guy they paid to kill you. I don't have anything personal against..."
Allyn didn't let the man finished. He struck him hard in the side of the head with his pistol. The man fell to the ground. Allyn stuck the gun in his face, blood still dripping from the gash in his cheek. "Tell me who sent you before I kill you. I should just kill you anyways, right now!"
"No, no, no... I got family!"
Allyn hit him again, his anger growing every time the man spoke. "You have family!!!! You have family??? IS that what you said??? Who the hell do you think you just tried to kill? That is MY family! You better talk now or I will just do to you what you tried to do to my family.Talk!!!!!!! Why did you kill those kids and why are you trying to kill us!??"
"Your daughter saw them killed. The men that killed them weren't even cops. They were hired to kill them because..."
"I know why! They were trying to stop drug dealers! Tell me something I don't know."
"Is that what you think? They weren't trying to stop anything. She was a local gal and he... he was a Prince here for schooling. His family found out that she had talked him into staying here. They were only supposed to kill her but somebody goofed. Your daughter saw it all. Those men want you dead so that they can say it was a double suicide. That is what they told his family. They believed them and it was all hushed. If the truth comes out it will cause an international issue. Even the Governor has a place in this now. Do you see how big this is!? I am just a little guy to them. You might as well kill me. They will anyways."
Allyn tried to take in all that he was hearing. He realized now how important it was for him to get to Omaha. "Get up and if you so much as shrug, I will put a bullet in your head."
Allyn shoved the man towards where the van was. When they reached the van, he saw Diana looking out the window. Sherry was cleaning the blood from her mothers face. Allyn opened the back of the van and took out some rope. He tied the mans feet and hands tight and then took the left over rope and wrapped it around his own arm. He hugged Diane and retold the story.
"What are we going to do, Allyn?"
"We are going to borrow that guys vehicle and get to Omaha. Once we are there, Frank will know what to do. It really is our last chance. I have one more question for you," Allyn said, pointing at the man. "Why was there nothing on the news about our house being burned down? We are we not anywhere in the news?"
"You were. On the back page of the paper it said that you all died in the fire. The fire was blamed on a faulty wire on a floor heater. The news covered it for one day also. Your funerals were yesterday. All of your family turned out."
"We have to let our family know we aren't dead, Allyn! We have to!"
"Not yet, Diana. Not until we reach Omaha. I am so sorry. We have to stay dead to everyone for a little longer."
They reached the man's truck and climbed inside. The man was shoved in the cubby in the back. Tim held a gun on him as Allyn drove towards Omaha...

A Family on the Run. 2nd part

The gas station was secluded enough that Allyn felt safe stopping. He filled both tanks on the vehicle and then joined his family inside. The rain was subsiding some and that was something to be thankful for. They bought mostly things in cans and sealed bags as Allyn thought they might be spending a lot of time in the van. They stocked up on drinks also and 5 gallons of fresh water, some of it to be used to cleanse themselves in case they could not get to a shower soon.
"We could just cover our bodies in soap and stand outside, Dad."
Allyn looked at Tim and smiled. The ladies laughed along and Allyn smiled at Diana. It was the first relaxed moment they shared in at least a week. The clerk watched as they collected all of their goods. He raised his eyebrow and Allyn stopped and stared.
"There is a grocery store just about 5 miles up the road. I guess you could have saved a bunch going there. Just thought I would mention it."
"What town is coming up? We did not see a sign."
"Yea, it isn't marked so good. They like to surprise folks I guess. Good for our business though. Davenport is the name of it. Iowa is a nice state to be in."
"Yes, it seems to be. Well, thank you for the heads up. We are going to get going."
They climbed in the van and started out again. Allyn began thinking about the events that had happened after they returned home on that night. The police had been adamant about the fact there had been no crime committed. To much so Allyn had thought. That night, as they slept, they were awakened to a loud noise outside their home. When he reached the kitchen, he could see the flames in the dining room. The flames were already to high to put out. As he woke everyone, a crash was heard near the front door. Allyn had opened the door to find the bodies of the two kids Sherry had seen killed. On the girl was a note that read, "This is you by morning." All that he could think of was getting his family out of the house and safe. As they reached the front lawn, a car pulled up next to them. The window rolled down and a man pointed at them.
"To bad your daughter had to go walking. All we wanted to do was quiet some nosey kids. Now... we have to quiet a whole family. Allyn saw the man moving his arm to the window. He grabbed a shovel he had left in the yard from the weekend. winging it at the vehicle, he caught the mans hand as it came out the window. Knocking a gun from his hand, Allyn pushed the shovel through the window. The blade caught the man in the neck, cutting him deep. The driver looked at the man sitting beside him, then at Allyn.
"Do you know why we were killing those kids? Do you!!??? We did it because they were goody-kids. They wanted to stop drug sales! One of their little friends died from them. SO What!!! They went to the cops but guess what!! We were the ones arresting people and reselling their stuff. You can't go to anyone! This goes higher than you could know!"
"Why are you telling us this! Why would you do that!?"
The man looked at Allyn and smiled. "Because... you are a dead family walking! I'll be back!"
The blaring of a horn and the cars headlights blinding Allyn brought him back to the present. He swerved to the right and barely missed the other car.
"God Allyn, where the hell were you???"
"I am sorry, Diana. I was thinking about what got us here. We have to reach Omaha and see Frank Darnell. He is a good Cop and he is the only one I would trust. We should be there by morning."
"And then what Dad? Keep hiding until they figure out who is good and who is bad!? We will never be done running until we are dead!!!"
"You stop that, young lady! Your father knows what he is doing. You have to trust him right now. If you don't, then we might all be dead."
Allyn reached over and took Diana's hand. He wanted nothing else in the world than to get his family somewhere safe. They were the only thing in the world that mattered to him. As he smiled at Diane, his eyes caught the reflection of red tail-lights. He watched in the rear-view mirror as the car he had nearly ran into slowed to a stop. Diana saw his eyes widen as he looked back at the car.
"What is wrong, Allyn? Why do have that look on your face?"
"It's probably nothing, sweetheart. Just someone that took the wrong road."
Diana looked out the back window, as did Tim and Sherry.
"That guy is turning around Dad! He is coming back this way! He knows who we are? OH My God, he is coming after us!!!"
"We don't know that, Sherry! You need to calm down. We are a very long ways from home. There is no way that they could possibly have found us."
"Uh Dad..."
"What is it Tim!? Allyn's voice was straining as he talked.
"That car is catching up with us. He must be going 100 miles an hour. I think Sherry is right!?"
"O.k., kids, buckle up and hang on. We are going to take the next side road I see. It might get rough."
"D-a-a-a-a-a-d! He is almost here! Dear God, we are going to die!!!"
Just as Allyn was about to tell Sherry to shut up, he felt the vehicle lunge forward. The headlights of the other vehicle had disappeared because so little distance was between their vehicles. Allyn felt the van swerve towards the side of the road. He held on for all he had and tried to keep the van on road. All that laid in front of them were trees and a man chasing them to kill his family. Again, he felt the vehicle shoved hard from behind. It veered off towards the tall stand of tree's. Allyn could not hold the steering wheel any longer...

A Family on the Run. 1st part

They walked towards the car, carrying their suitcases with them. Leaving in the middle of the night had not been what Allyn had intended. He needed a full nights sleep but this was not going to be that night. He shuffled Sherry and Tim along as quickly as he could without knocking them to the ground.Diana walked behind them, looking behind herself more than in front. Twenty more feet and they would be inside the van. Allyn pushed the auto unlock on his key ring. He watched to see the tail-lights flash and when they did not, he pushed the button again and again. He could feel his heart begin to race as his fingered pounded the button. Still... no lights.
"What is wrong Allyn? Unlock the doors, please!"
"I am trying to, Diana! The freaking thing isn't working! I'll just unlock them when we reach the van."
As they reached the van, the parking lot went dark. All of them froze in place. It took a moment for them to realize that it was not only the parking lot lights that had turned off. All the lights in the motel were now out. Twenty seven rooms do not turn their lights off at the same time. They all knew this.
"Dad", Sherry whispered..."What is going on? Please get us in the van."
"Just keep walking, honey. Daddy will get us inside."
"Thanks for the vote of confidence, Di." Allyn touched her hand and put the key in the lock. The lock went up and he quickly opened the other doors. The four of them climbed inside and Allyn locked the doors again. The only light now was the streaks of bright phosphorus given off by the lightening, giving warning to the impending storm.
In the darkness they sat silent for a minute. Allyn's heart was still racing and he felt little comfort in the van. Diana broke the silence.
"Can you tell us why we had to leave now, Allyn? I thought you checked this one out before we got here."
"I did Diana, I swear I did. I thought we were alright until I remembered something the desk clerk had said to me. I asked him if we could get a wake up call for 5a.m. His comment didn't strike me as odd until just a little bit ago."
"I didn't hear his comment, Allyn."
"I guess I didn't pay attention at the time either. He said they were having trouble with their services and that his men would make sure we got the call. He didn't say his People! He said specifically, his men. No body calls their workers that."
"How do they keep finding us, Dad? We watched for 100 miles before turning back onto the main road. There was no one behind us the entire way."
"I realize that Tim. Somehow, they know every place we go and I don't know how."
"Allyn, maybe we should trust someone and find a police station. We can not keep running this way. They are going to catch us one day and then what!?"
"If Sherry hadn't gotten snoopy, we wouldn't be doing this!"
"I wasn't being snoopy, damn you Tim! I was looking for a bathroom! I told you that a thousand times!"
"Stop it!! Stop this fighting right now! We do not have time for this!"
"He started Mom, not me!"
"Yes, and I am stopping it, right now!"
Both teens knew by her tone that Diana was not in the mood for any fighting. She made it very clear and they did not want to anger her right now. Allyn sat and listened to the chatter back and forth. He knew that Diana's tone would be more than enough to quiet the kids. He thought back to the event that had set their lives on the run. A normal day for them, they had gone to the circus that had come to Akron. Ohio, the place he had lived all of his life was now just a memory. It would probably remain so forever, now. Sherry had wandered behind one of the big tents. Whether she was searching for a bathroom or snooping mattered very little now. What she saw behind the tent was all that mattered. Two police officers, or at least two men dressed as police-men had a young girl and boy on their knees. She could hear the two pleading for their lives. One of the officers told the girl to shut up. As she turned to plead again, the officer shot her. She was dead in an instant. The other officer shot the boy. Sherry cried out, involuntarily and the two men turned and looked directly at her. She ran all the way back to where Allyn and Diana were. She told them what she had seen. They found a phone and called the police. Sherry took them to where it had all happened. The police found nothing. No blood, no bodies, no evidence that there had been any crime. They chastised Sherry for wasting their time with a false report and told Allyn he should take his over imaginative daughter home. Sherry insisted she saw what she told them. They threatened to take her in for trying to file a false report and Allyn and Diana took her home before that could happen.
Allyn's thoughts were interrupted by a huge flash of lightening. He heard Sherry scream and turned around just in time to see the faces of two men, illuminated in the window. He felt the van lunge as the men pulled ion the door. Allyn started the van and put it into gear. Headlights suddenly blinded him from the front and he drove on, not knowing where he was going. The front end of the van struck a parked car in the lot as all of the lights in the parking lot and motel came on at the same time. A man jumped out in front of the van with a gun aimed at the windshield. Allyn heard the shot and turned the wheel to the right. His side mirror exploded outside the van and next he felt a thump and knew he had struck the man that had shot at them.
"My god Allyn, you hit that man! You ran him over!!!!"
"Would you like for me to stop and see if he is alright, Diana?!?!?"
"Just keep driving Dad. Please don't stop!!! Just get us out of here, please!!"
He didn't need Sherry's pleading to drive on. He didn't know where they were going but he knew they were getting as far from this town as they could. The storm came full swing and Allyn and his family drove through fierce wind and rain without a word spoken. How many miles they had driven before they found a gas station Allyn did not know. He only knew that there were no other headlights on the road behind them the entire way. They would stop and get some food and gas before going any further.

Bipolar Awareness...

February is a month that many are trying to make National Bipolar Awareness Month. It is truly wonderful to see this possibly happening. There needs to be more information about this disorder that so many people are inflicted with. Bipolar is a disorder that cripples people in many ways. The medical sites tell the medical side of the disorder. They tell of some of the whys that the disorder exists. They talk about the Lows and highs but only in the most "professional" way.
What they do NOT talk about is how it truly effects each individual. I caught a Law and Order SVU 2 nights ago that really made me look deeper into the effects of Bipolar on a personal level. The girl was diagnosed as Bipolar based on some of her actions. Many of them went straight to my heart. It was very much like sitting there, watching myself on T.V.. A little bit scary and a whole lot emotional. She had fits of rage and calmness mixed together so close that someone looking on could barely see the switch unless you knew what you were watching for. The increased level of sexual needs melded with the uncaring acts of sex with many partners was a huge visual of myself. the desire to be away from everyone and Angry with the ones closest to her also made me wiggle a bit in my chair.
The problem with T.V. doing shows on bipolar people is that they take the issues and exaggerate them to the fullest. That isn't to say that what is happening does NOT happen. It is to say that not all bipolar react the same or even have the same reaction to certain situations. Each and everyone of us is unique in our actions and reactions. But, the public needs to know that we do NOT do the things we do voluntarily. We do not always have a "say" in what our minds dictate to us. We would love nothing more than to be able to function along side of people without our minds telling us something is or will go wrong. The feeling of trapped or crunched into a tiny room, even if the room is huge and mostly empty is not a feeling we can control nor can we just "Get over it!"
Compassion and understanding, patience and support are what we desire most in life. Not pity or even worse, and I shudder at the mention... Chastising. To have someone tell me I CAN do something or that I just need to move on or stop letting this thing grab me, is truly enough to send me to the darkest place you can imagine. Yelling or any real type of confrontation is the most frightening thing in the world to me. I will get physically ill just thinking about a confrontation that may occur. Not a wimp or woos, I can defend myself and those that I hold dear to my soul. In fact, probably I am more able to do that than those that are not Bipolar. Why? Simply because my emotions run so much faster and higher, more intense than someone that does not suffer from this illness. There is simply something inside of me that knows that in a confrontation, I will become more aggressive and so I try not to put myself in a situation that could cause that to happen.
Unfaithfulness that brings with it a guilt and at the same time a feeling that I have done nothing wrong. Mixed emotions that tell me it is ok to do these things and yet knowing inside that it is not acceptable by the world outside. Yet to me, it is merely reaching out with a love filled heart and helping someone.
A need and a want to have people see us for the beautiful people that we are. Empathic and loving are two wonderful qualities that are part of many bipolar lives. Loyalty and entrusting because those are two very Important qualities we MUST have with the ones we call our "safe place." take the time to look at us and see the inside of our souls. Look beyond the "clicks" and the roller-coaster ride of Highs and terrible Lows we will take you on. See how hard we really do try to fit in with your world. There is so much more to say but for now... It's all Good. Always, Darrel.

This is My World...

Inside of me, a battle rages on daily. I'll take your hand and walk you through just a part of a day in a "Low." Perhaps the defining things that separate a person who simply experiences a moment in their life of confusion or low self-esteem or the desire to just sit in a corner and not be near anyone is that those things are not moments in time for someone with Bipolar disorder. They are days. They are weeks and months that run together like a steady stream of water that threatens to drown them. They are feelings of worthlessness and time after time of feeling as if one could carry the world on their shoulders and they Try to do just that. Euphoria so huge and so all encompassing that the body shudders at the high! Excitement because you read a page in a book and made no mistakes because if you did, something would happen to someone you love. Games you play out in your mind but always leaving an out in case you fail.
The lows that follow that fantastic high that crumbles even your ability to make the simplest decisions. Crying in ways most could not imagine. Sobbing so hard that you nearly pass out and no way to stop until your mind is finished. Walking away from such a cry and smiling as if it didn't happen at all. Laughing as you go to fill your water glass only to return to the same room, with the same people, wanting them all gone. Closed up as if they have done something and yet you can not explain to them they have done nothing. You simply had a massive mood swing. They in turn get down over the moment and in an instant, you are smiling again. And now, you try so hard to make them smile again but they do not walk through mood swings like you do. Now your whole world collapses again because you have the terrible guilt of ruining their night. Just another reason to tear yourself apart.
Waking up and needing to tell yourself over and over why you should finish your day out. Certain that there is little reason to even be here because you have nothing to give to those that love you. Your mind reminding you of all the things you need to start or finish. You write them all down or process them through your head and take most of the day truly doing absolutely nothing because your mind could not choose one single thing to do. Dishes half washed that now will wait until tomorrow or 3 a.m. when you are up wandering through the house. Novels with beginnings that sit for months, the characters and their story played out in your head as you drive down the highway. A reality only to you and that is why you write so perfectly. Your words are as alive as you are. They are happening as you are writing. Life and writing are one and the same for you.Imagination becomes reality and reality becomes something just a little less than imagination. And then... your two worlds collide and the mess it leaves behind is scattered and running amok in your head.
You wish only to know some peace and to feel the comfort of those you know as "Safe places." A person, a chair, whatever it is that gives you the ability to simply be.
Nine o'clock at night, you have done nothing and Now you feel the energy surge and want to do it all. Now it is dark and most are preparing to sleep for the night. You???? You are just beginning another part of your worlds day. A day that will last until you are so tired that you collapse. Not a desire to sleep but a no choice sleep. Your body and mind are exhausted and so you sleep. But only for a couple of hours and then, your whole day begins again. Perhaps I should say, continues, as they never really ever end.
Today, you feel connected and you sit to write. Eight chapters unfold from your mind onto your screen and it is exactly what you want. Never to think first but simply writing. Word after word, sentence after sentence flows and you have managed to stay locked up inside your novel. nothing from outside was aloud in today. You simply kept your mind so full that the racing was kept at bay, at least for today. A high surfaces and you are connected enough today to KNOW that a terrible Low WILL follow it. But for now, you will smile and your loved ones will enjoy you, for as long as they are allowed to.
Welcome to my world. A world filled with more things than I can put in one blog. More will come but it may be tomorrow or perhaps... I don't know when. I may tell you the good things that can be derived from this disorder. This is my world. You are welcome to it any time. Unless i change my mind the instant I click "publish."

Fate or Destiny... you decide.

I wonder how many people believe in Fate. I know that by clicking you can read the definition but I do want to steal one little part. {an event (or a course of events) that will inevitably happen in the future}. Now the word destiny follows through where ever you look up the word fate. The two walk hand in hand with each other and yet to me, they are not really the same thing.
Destiny, to me, is a point that you achieve, after much strife and many trials. It is something that you reach for, that you believe in your heart is yours simply because. "He wrote with a passion, therefor he was destined to be an author." Fate, to me is something totally different. Fate is something that some believe in and others do not. It is an argued debate that goes back and forth from person to person. Fate to me is an event that happens and would have happened no matter what you did. If a man is fated to die at 25 then he will die at 25. If it is his/her destiny, because of his families medical background or where they live in the world to die young then fate doesn't play a role in it. Fate would be if the person did not live in a country filled with death but while traveling to a destination, your plane lands in a bad place. You are infected with some illness that you would have never seen in your country. It takes your life... That to me is fate. It stepped in where it was Unexpected and that is fate.
My wife was given 5 years to live. Had she died then, it would have been something that her illness had made it destined to happen. She lived, much to any medical reasoning's explanation, for 24 more years. That to me was Fate or in another name, God, stepped in and changed the ending. My father was told that he would not live for another year because of his heart and life style. He stopped smoking, changed his diet and his living, took better care of his body and 25 years later, he is still with us. Though "destined" to die because of his life, he chose to change things and in essence, changed his destiny.
I do believe we have the power within ourselves to change our destiny but I do not think we can change Fate. If we die, then we were to die then. Fate, or To me God, chooses that time. So would my father have lived 25 more years and be 76 years old right now if he had NOT changed things to be healthier? Fate has a plan for us all and so I wonder. It gives food for thought and also gives reasons for changing things in our life to try and extend it for as long as we are allowed.
"The Titanic was ill-fated..." I don't think so. It was human error that caused the great ship to sink. Fate only took those that didn't survive... Food for thought on a cold January Day... Always, Darrel

Life... it changed forever

No chance of coming home they said and yet, here it was, Saturday, March 1st, 2006. Two months almost to the day that she had entered the hospital again. As I walked past the nurses station, as I had thousands of times, for 23 years, Sheila's doctor stopped me. She asked if we were set up for Sheila at home. I was confused but said of course we were always ready for her. She told me that I had learned the Trache and that if I wished, Sheila could come home. Something inside of me wanted to ask why it all changed so suddenly but something deeper would not allow me too. She always made miraculous recoveries so why not another one. She was excited and we packed her things and headed for home.
Once home and settled, calls were made and by Monday she was set up with home nurses and all the machinery needed to keep her as comfortable as we could. Caring for her, for the first time in 24 years, was a 24/7 team effort. My daughter and I and a dear friend cared for My Sheila and made certain she had all she needed. You might wonder in your mind if the thought that she had been sent home to finish her life at home ever entered my mind. I must honestly say to you that the answer was No! never in 24 years had the thought of her going away entered my head. I found that caring for her now was not the smooth walk we had made part of our lives this time. To simply go to the doctor required 6 oxygen tanks and an hour to get her in our vehicle. Nights were spent sitting up with her, cleaning her Trache every hour so she could breathe easier and sitting beside her all night so i didn't miss her calling for me. We talked of everything and of nothing. We did NOT talk as if she were going to die. It never ever entered my mind.
On the 7th of March, she woke and said something didn't feel right inside. She was taken to the hospital where our family doctor waited. I often wonder if we sometimes fail to notice things on purpose or if our minds are simply to filled with worry to see things that might have told us what we didn't see. Maybe it is a little of both. I watched and held her hand as our Doctor continued to give her more and more morphine. More than perhaps was "normal." She had been our Doctor for 20 years and knew Sheila better than almost anyone. Again, I never questioned because I trusted her completely. Sheila was moved back to the hospital so far away. I stood beside her, waiting for doctors to decide what they might do. I was going out to smoke one and she took my hand and asked me to wait. Here again, they gave her shots to make her sleep for 45 minutes and then she would be awake for 15. At 1a.m., they decided to do emergency surgery. I called my girls to come up, knowing it was over an hour away. I figured the surgery would last at least that long. I kissed my Sheila and told her i would be waiting for her. We said our "I love you's" and I sat in the dark waiting room alone...
One half hour later, i was shocked to see the surgeon come into the room. 24 years does NOT prepare you for anything. When he said "I can not save her this time" I fell to the floor, sobbing. I told him he was wrong. I told him that he must be mistaken. I sobbed like a child and begged him to try. He knelt beside me and took my hand. He said never had he seen such love. My girls arrived shortly after and I told them she only had hours to live. There are no words for those moments in time. We spent the next 3 hours beside her bed, singing softly to her, holding her hand, never once saying she was dieing. I kissed her and she whispered to me, "I don't hurt anymore." At 4:30 a.m. on the 8th of March, 2006, after 24 years of the greatest love a man could ever know, my love went to heaven. The word "forever" changed for all time. Nothing in my life would ever be the same. I would no longer be able to turn and say "remember when we..." Life for me and my girls, for everyone that loved her, would never be the same again.
A love so precious only comes around once in a lifetime. There may be a new love. There may be someone special that comes into your life that you will share with and grow old with. But never will THAT love come around again. Not in this lifetime.
A mind like mine didn't take long to begin working on me. Guilt over things unfinished began to tear at me. Unsure of myself, not certain I had done everything I could have for Sheila, ate at me. I spent days and months and years falling into low after low. The bipolar kicked into full swing and even making little decisions like ordering a meal became nearly impossible. I knew that the disorder had found a place to be and that every guilt, each sin I felt was mine, would take me places no man should go.
Life goes on even with bipolar and touretts. It moves forward even if we wish it would not. Time will not wait for you. We wake one day and see that years have gone by, not hours or days. We realize that our life is going to go on and that we have the choice to follow it or stay behind. My mind still races 1000 miles a minute. Days still happen when to even get out of bed is a huge task. Being near people or in a store is still a scary place but you cling to your "safe place" person and try your best to look like everyone else. Does it work??? You tell me.
Thank you for staying with me as I wrote this part of my life. I have Shared with you what I have shared with no one here before. And I have walked through this fire and came out as My Love did, forever. Alive... God Bless you all, Darrel

Coming to the end...

Forever to many is only a word. To those that have lost someone precious, it is a timeline. How long will you mourn? How long is not long enough? How long is too long? IS there a time frame for a loss so huge?
My story continues from when we began living our lives separate and yet together as always. Sheila and my daughter lived in an apartment and I was there at 7 a.m. every day. I stayed with Sheila until 10 at night and then drove to my own home.I loved her so much and yet the need to be alone was strong by now. Even to have people in my house for longer than a few hours was an invitation to an anxiety attack, full blown. Sheila remained my "safe place" and so to spend entire days and evenings were not a problem. Somewhere in my dis-connected mind, I knew I would be going home to "alone" and that made it all good. We lived our days and evenings as we had always and she continued to teach me something daily.
After 2 years, we had become settled in how our life was. Sheila knew that it was possible we would never be as we had once been. My mind issues alone would assure us of that. Committing the "horrible sin" I continued to run through relationship after relationship. Nothing lasted and if it appeared it might, I dropped them and never looked back. In my mind, to be "faithful" to anyone would somehow make what I had done far worse. It would destroy my promise that I loved Sheila always. I could never allow this and so relationships were fleeting moments. Many asked to stay but they came to me KNOWING that Sheila was my love and that I did not have that kind of love to give to anyone else. Not the will nor the desire.
Finding it hard to focus on one thing, I would at times try to tackle several thoughts as one. It always ended up in a total disaster, followed by a LOW that left me wishing I had died with the last Pulmonary Embolism. Had I, Sheila would have never know the sorrow I gave to her. We would have ended our time together as one. The Lows were worse and gained more strength as time went on. We tried to work with them and made it through most without damage. Sheila continued to love me and give to me strength that I could not find with in myself or by my self. In 2004, Sheila had to have her Gall Bladder removed. Doctor after doctor refused to do the surgery. One finally said yes and the operation was done. During recovery, Sheila aspirated. Her lungs were severely burned and to save her life, she was put into a coma. I moved into a room outside of the CCU and remained there for the 60 days she was sleeping. I sang to her and read to her and watched over her. She was given a 5% chance of survival.She nearly died 3 times during this sleep but was as always, strong enough to win another battle. She would never regain the use of her legs again. After 83 days, Sheila came home. We found a duplex and moved there. We had what I needed finally.We had an intercom system so that while i wrote my novels I could still hear anything I needed to. If Sheila needed me I was a door away. It was still enough "Alone" that I could maintain and avoid to many anxiety attacks. We lived this way for another year and a half and my love for her was stronger than ever. The idea of finding a way to be with her was something that I wanted. I hated myself for the way my mind worked. I hated the effects of the Bipolar and the control it had on me.
Sheila became ill again and on the 6th of January 2006, Sheila went back into the hospital with Pneumonia. She became worse and was moved to CCU. A coma was induced again as the Only way to save her life. A Trache was put back in where the one from her first coma had been placed. I was told that she would have the Trache for the rest of her life. She was awakened after 31 days and sent to Rehab. She did not respond to treatment well and I was told she would be there for many months. I stayed with her as much as I could but also had my daughter to help when I could. The drive to Sheila was 115 miles and there were days that I drive it 3 times a day, depending on her condition. Arriving at 8 in the morning, driving home to shower and going back was a normal day. Sometimes a third trip would be needed if she took a turn for the worst. Driving back at 2 or 3 a.m., sometimes barely remembering the drive, often left me extremely tired. The exhaustion was an opening for the Lows to come over me. It was taking it's toll on me though I refused to not be there. I was the one that she trusted to lift her and move her and I wanted to "dance" with her every chance I got. Months went by and Doctors told me that going home was not in her future. Many questions needed answered and I had to learn to clean her Trache daily, in case she DID come home. Our time now, here on Earth together was shorter than I could have ever known. Would I have done anything different if I had only known?
More tomorrow if you will stay with me that long. This write is harder than I thought it would be but it is a story I WANT to tell. Please be forgiving if it is not what you came to read. Always, Darrel

When Life Changes...Forever

Many read my blogs and see a man that had a few issues that caused him to sway a bit from time to time. I write openly about so many things and yet there are always things that go unsaid. Sheila was my strength and even today, 3 years after she went to heaven, I still hold to that strength and rely on it. As I said before, the bipolar part was growing without me really seeing it. I felt it more than recognized it consciously. A past tainted with wrongs done to me and a life of what I called perfect mixed my thoughts long ago. Even as I write, readers see the "abstract" jumping around, though to me... it is in perfect order. One event would not be present had the others not been a part of me before them. After all, a road isn't called a road until it has first been traveled.
Sheila and I continued to live our lives with love and vim. We loved every minute and did things many thought impossible. That word did not even exist in our life. Pulmonary Embolisms threatened to take me to heaven first. The last one took something from me. It scared me and I thought surely I would die. I wasn't ready to leave and God graced me by allowing me to stay. But again, something inside of me changed. I wasn't the me i had been for so long. Scared of falling asleep and not waking became a part of my life. One or two hours of sleep, only when absolutely needed was my sleep pattern. It still remains that way today. I found myself confused and feeling lost most of my days. I drew away from my family and found safety in the Internet. Nothing there could harm me and I could escape from my fears for a time. I thought to that I had found a friend in someone there and even met her with my family.And then, I fell. I, still loving the most precious gift in life, cheated with someone else. The results were devastating and Sheila and I split for a time.
Split. To some, many that knew us, it wasn't something anyone would even know to look at us. I still helped her to bed. I still took her to the bathroom and we still kissed goodnight and said "I love you." What was different was me. I won't claim innocence nor will i place the blame anywhere it does not belong. I had lost all self-esteem and no longer felt worthy to be Sheila's source of strength or life. I was only good enough for someone that had no real need of me and I had convinced myself of that.The affair did not last long but I had broke the heart of the woman that would love me forever. Convinced also that she would leave me one day, I went first.
Looking back, and with some therapy, I understand now that the disorder added to my Lows and to the feeling of not being good enough for anyone as precious as Sheila. I also found that it was increasingly harder all the time to "live" with anyone 24/7. My love for sheila was still forever, though many doubted that fact. But I knew inside of me where my heart and my forever was. Confusion became my constant companion and our life was changed forever. the only certainties I had were these. I would never "leave" Sheila, I would love her forever, and i had committed the worst sin against this woman a man could ever do. That sin, in my lost mind, was unforgivable. Once done, it could never be made right, taken back or forgotten. Only her undieing love for me and her unconditional want to share our lives gave me any peace. We lived separate lives yet spent 20 hours a day together. Doesn't make sense? IT did to us and does to me. I started my day with her and spent until 10 at night helping her go to the restroom and shower and stayed in the hospital rooms with her whenever she went back in. As i said earlier, to most looking in, we were as together as we had always been. Only we knew how much our lives had changed.
And Only God knew then that our time together here on Earth was growing shorter...
Tomorrow, if you still even desire to continue to read the words of this man, the man that hurt someone so beautiful and true, I will tell you more of the life I shared with an Angel. Always, Darrel