Still unsure...

I am writing my memoirs for my publisher. Something I truly thought would be easy. Wow, was I wrong. I am still trying to decide exactly how healthy this endeavor is for me. Going back to the very places I have run so fast and so hard to get ahead of. In doing so, I realized something. I found that I have done exactly That. I have ran and mostly, stayed ahead of the memories but never truly got "past" them. There is a huge difference in the two words. I stayed one step ahead of issues and events in my life without ever "dealing" with them. I also found that some things I have sworn too, been so very certain that they happened exactly as I tell them today, did NOT happen that way. I lied to my own self to protect my mind from some of the more devastating things that happened. The bipolar or just a mind like everyone elses, now and then?  
 When I think of where I am today, I realize that I created a world that I could survive in. A world that wasn't always cruel and demanding but that offered goodness and kindness. I have thoughts of how the world Should be and wonder if I wasn't born in the wrong time. I missed the part when the world was a softer place to be. People weren't so rushed and families were exactly that... A family. Not some abstract sense of the word but sat together and ate together and actually could strike up a conversation without having to unload a heap of baggage or thoughts before starting. Not to say that my family did not sit at the table together and eat and talk. We did that and it was good, except for the parts when father and mother discovered we had done something wrong at school or home. It always seemed to come out in the middle of dinner. So, there you sat, picking at your food, knowing all to well that when dinner was finished, the "issue" Would be dealt with. Ah, but look at me now. The very one that just wrote about abstract thoughts and words is busy doing just that. I seem to be all over the place with my thoughts.
 I go back now to the origin of this write. How healthy is it to type your memories and re-read where you have been and see the things you have run from appear before your own eyes. I find myself pausing occasionally in my writing of the memoirs. that is something extremely unusual for me to do. I normally sit and just write, letting the energy of writing take me where-ever it might. I fear some of the places I might go with the writing. I known that many family members do not know where I have been in my life. They don't know of the things that created the very man that they question as to whether he truly has issues or is just where he is because he likes to be there. Trust in my words when I say that No One "wants" nor "chooses" to be where I am today. Few would enter such a mind and fewer would survive or come out "sane" if they Did enter.
 Memoirs... are they healthy? Do the wonderfully colorful memories I have out-weigh the bad ones? Will I reveal, perhaps, more than I should? I guess I will have to continue writing to fund the answers to my questions. Living in a mixed up, slightly confused and off-balanced world is not as pretty as one might think. Thank the stars that I have my writing...  

Writing... is it always safe???????????

Thoughts chase me down this morning. Something different from the norm for me. I am usually the one that is chasing them, trying to hold on to just one single thought, even if only for a moment. I am sure it is because of the recent offer I was given by my publisher. One of those "want to, should I, Do I dare, scared and excited" moments for me. I have been asked to write my "memoirs" for them. Hmmmmm????
 Don't get me wrong. I am excited and feel honored to have been asked. And of course, I am going to do so. Contract is already signed. Quickly, I might add because I know me and did not want to give myself too much time to talk myself out of doing this. But with all the excitement comes the fear. I have led an extremely full life. I have seen things and done things that not everyone in the world has the opportunity and often blessing to do so. I have penned and been published twice. I have cut and produced and sold a CD of my own songs. I have known love and happiness, loss and sorrow, guilt and guiltless actions. I have been from the brightest of life's blessings to the darkest places a man or woman could ever NOT want to go.
 So why the fear? I promise there are no buried bodies in my backyard. Well, at least to the best of my knowledge and certainly none that were put there by me. So what do I have to fear in writing about what I think will be a very interesting read by anyone that chooses to pick the book up? I have spent what seems to be a lifetime of living trying to keep thoughts buried back in the far reaches of my mind. People I hurt and things I did that I was not always proud to know I had done them. There are things in my life that few have ever been told about. Secrets that I wrote about in abstract ways so that if someone I knew, close friends or relatives read about them, they might pass them off as just writing.
 I have told, behind closed doors, things to my Therapist, that only she knows. There are moments and issues and happenings in my life that the only one who knew of them is now in heaven. A wonderfully full and happy childhood, filled with travels and adventures that walk side by side with those of any explorer you might read about. Frightening things that most would have ran from and yet... I lived them. And of course, there is always the bipolar and tourrettes and whatever else you want to toss in the hat. Reasons why I am the man I am today. Escapes from life and realities and the places that I have been in my life that were and still are impossible to hide from, try as I might.
 So here I am, back to the beginning, getting ready to write about all of the things that I have worked so very hard to keep hidden or buried so that I did NOT have to face them. I wonder... will this take me down memory lane, bringing warm and fuzzy feelings to my soul?  Am I opening Pandora's box? Will the words I write come back to haunt me or bring back to the surface thoughts and pain and fear that I have so dutifully kept locked behind doors that are hidden behind other doors? This, may in fact be the most "self-created" roller-coaster ride of my entire life. Writing is normally extremely therapeutic for me. In fact, very much so. I wonder if THIS time... I will feel the same way.  

Depression touches more than just me...

Sitting here thinking this morning, a different sort of thought crossed my mind. I was thinking about how Low I feel and I jumped into the "bipolar" moment. Not unusual for me, but this time, my mind went a way it doesn't go too often. I realized that not ALL Low moments have to be because one is bipolar. I thought about life in general. So many things have changed for me in the past few years. Some of them very good and some of them, well, the jury is still out on a few things. Life as a whole can be enough to send one into a depression. There are bills to pay and work to be done. Projects to start and issues to settle. Now the "projects to finish"  will leave to the bipolar in me. Anyone that is bipolar or loves someone that is knows all to well that there are 30 "started" projects that can be found all over the house and yard and garage ad where-ever else that person may have been.
 But the pressures of life are not indigenous to only bipolar people. Wow, what a reality check, huh? Probably not for a lot of you. But for me this morning, it was. After doing bills and watching the checkbook quickly go from full to nearly empty, my spirits sunk lower and lower with each check filled out. I wondered what I even tried for. Why not just blow it all on some foolishness and let the world settled the debts? Happens every day of the year, at least 100,000 times. And trust me, for one that walks in the realm of being bipolar as deeply as I do, it would not be are hard as one thinks. I can thank my parents for giving that extra boost in teaching me responsibility and the knowledge that it is probably the only reason I do not do just that. I sit and shake my head as I finish with bills. 
 Don't get me wrong. I am thankful every day that I DO have the money to pay my bills. In today's world, so many people are not as fortunate as I am and I Do know this. But still, I felt the tinge of a massive Low coming on and that is when I had the thought I had. The world is tough today and for many these days, it is about survival, not living. Not getting a head but keeping your head above water. A shame, that in a country and world filled with riches, that life can still kick our butts in such a harsh way. But again, it effects everyone, no matter what your mind set may be. Yes, these things, for most of the world pass and they move on. For me, the bipolar in me will roll in this for a while and then plummet me into places that most of the world would not ever care to go. I will shake my head a few more times, try to reach out at a thought or two that is not so dark... and think some more.
 My point though is that low moments are not mine exclusively. They belong to most of the people in the world, at least from time to time. Nothing new to some but for me, this morning... New.  





 

To be embarrassed or Not to be... Bipolar, it's not just for breakfast anymore.

I continue writing about Bipolar and it's effects because I noticed something in the responses from my readers. It was the same in almost all of the comments and showed me there is still an issue with being Bipolar. So many readers responded with thanks for being Open about my disorder. I had to sit and think back to when I realized there was truly a problem for me. It has been a long time and my memory struggled to bring back that time for me. Or perhaps, it was more of ME that didn't want to remember back Then. Was I embarrassed? Did I not want to tell anyone? Was it a "dirty little secret" that I wanted to keep all to myself?
 We need to have a look at what the medical field calls the Medical cause of Bipolar.   {{Bipolar disorder is frequently inherited, with genetic factors accounting for approximately 80 per cent of the cause of the condition.}} Chemical issues in the brain also are believed to be a cause of some becoming Bipolar.http://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/docs/CausesofBipolarDisorder.pdf reading more makes me think about whether we have any cause to be embarrassed that we are Bipolar. It says that not only is sometimes handed down to us but that also, it can be caused by a chemical imbalance in our brains. These two things alone show me that it is not our choice to be the way we are. As was said in my blog comments, NO ONE asks to be this way. So then, are we to be embarrassed by the fact that we are bipolar? If we stay embarrassed, nothing gets passed on to others that may need to know they are not alone.  The people that love us can not learn what is the best way to live with us or to deal with us when we are going through a "mood swing."
 Can I say that I am never embarrassed at the fact that I am Bipolar?  I can Not... times when I shake or twitch at the wrong time. Freaking out over seeing a bunch of sheep or having to turn away from a commercial that has that Damn Burger King, king in it. Finding it impossible not to Baa like a sheep when i see one and making the sound inside my head when people are close enough to hear, bursting inside for having to hold it inside. Of course I am embarrassed by these things. I have tourettes along with the Bipolar. The out-bursts are totally embarrassing, BUT...if i didn't talk about it to my loved ones, didn't tell You, my readers that I do the same things You do, then how would we each know that we do Not suffer alone???
 I hate being what i am. I am at the same time, scared to death of whom I might be if it was gone.  There is sadly, a comfort ability in being what I am. It is a place, a world I have settled into and live with as best as I can, each and every single day. I search for ways to lessen the harsh reality of what i have. I write... i am a writer. A published author who also has a CD out of 13 of my own songs. I am talented in so many ways.  I am nothing! I fail where I so wanted to succeed. I hurt people's hearts because of how i am. I become lost in a world of darkness that lures me to the side of a cliff. Without my writing, I would be completely lost.
 The reality of it all is this. You Will have family and loved ones that do Not accept that what you have nor your "issues" are anything that you can not just "get over." You Will have people that turn the other way when you try to talk to them about your disorder. Some because they think it is not real and others because they do not know how to deal with it nor what to say to you. the truth of it all is also that you will feel very alone and "disconnected" from the rest of the world, more times than i care to say. Life is a constant battle and happiness is a fleeting moment that says The higher your high, the bigger the smiles, the lower the Low that follows will be. And one more truth... YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Remember that, please. Some where out there is someone just like you. And somewhere out there is someone that Will love you exactly the way you are. Never stop believing. We live in a world of thoughts that are so fast we can not grab even one to fix it. But, we Live. That is what really matters.
 I hope this helps some of you and gives you a comfort zone to reach out to loved ones and tell them what is happening in your world. If you do not, they will assume that they have done something wrong. Do not let them carry a burden that does not belong to them. We are what we are and we must choose to face it and live it, or be out cast forever.  

Anger... Just another piece of an abstract puzzle

Oh yea... and there is that other part... I forget sometimes that there are more sides to bipolar and depression than simply not caring. I am by nature a very gentle man. I can be spurred to anger but mostly, I would rather walk away and let time settle a confrontation than look it in the eye. Mainly because I know that anger will rise and I hate that. But then, today I found myself allowing or at least acknowledging that there is a side that gets angry. Anger at myself for the way I am. Angry at the people around me because they are around me. Knowing I would be angry if they were NOT around me. Crazy? Mixed up? Sounding a little "oxy-moronic???? Well, that would be my frame of mind.
 But my thought at this moment is the fact that I do Not anger often and when the sadness has taken me this far, it begins to feed on its own self. The fact I AM angry at those I love for no reason truly upsets me. I have no way to explain it nor to shove it out of the way. I tell them I am in a low and the are loving and understanding. I should not want for more than that and yet... here I sit wishing it were all different. Wondering why I need to be this way. Trying so hard to pull out of this Low ad yet at the same time, feeling comfortable in it. Ahhhh, nothing quite like abstract to leave you spinning and twisting, trying to find a place to sit down for a moment. I believe I may hate the anger part of this the most. It is so out of character and I want so badly to be happy.
 Tears of sadness and anger at myself cause me to want to find a place and just hide away from the world.  Sometimes I think the most insane part of it all is knowing the insanity that runs through my head is the most content place for me. I am more comfortable sometimes when life is so busy and so insane that I can't tell if i want to smile or laugh or cry. At least then, I am not angry at even the way the air is blowing through the window. Poor air...  as if it did anything wrong. But then again, neither has anyone else that must feel the sting of my sharp tongue or feel the heat of my anger on their eardrums, for no apparent reason at all. Shame the hell on ME! The only crime they have committed is loving me. And thank God they do!!!!!!!!
 Oh Lord, let this one pass soon. The next step isn't any prettier. In Fact, it can only do one of two things. get better or, get a Lot worse. This one has lasted too long and the dark places it takes me are places No One wants to go. Trust me! And so, anger with no reason to be here nor any rhyme or reason is SOOOO here. Let's be thankful that I am not in any way a violent man. This anger will be turned on ME, not any one else. And I will deal with it my own way.  

A silent killer... Depression and Bipolar.

Being Bipolar, I often wonder how much of the depression I suffer from is caused by the disorder and how much would be there if I was not bipolar. I often think of this disorder as a "silent Killer." Perhaps that seems a little much or ridiculous to some but for those out there that suffer from it daily, hourly, even sometimes by the minute, I think there is an understanding in my words.Sometimes things you can see or feel being on the cycle of depression and thoughts that are at times too dark to even describe. There are also the times that we could NOT slow a thought or the millions of thoughts that race around in our head, long enough to even decipher which thought it was that brought on the darkness. There is only the knowledge that it exists and that it can and will take you down long roads of sadness.
 I don't cry where someone can see me so there must b no issues, right? The desire, almost more of a need to find a place to be alone becomes so strong. {You don't want to be around your loved ones???????/} Wow, you must not like them very much.   {You just snapped at someone you love for no reason...} Wow, you must be in a bad mood. {You were just seen smiling and laughing so hard.} There can not be a whole lot wrong with you...Get Over IT!!!!  These are just a few of the things I hear and some from friends or relatives. And of course "It is just in your head. You don't have to be this way!" REALLY...? I can not imagine myself nor anyone else ever, ever wanting nor asking to be "this way."
 I cry in secret so I don't have to hear "What is wrong with you???" I can not answer the question and to stand and stare at whom ever is asking makes me feel like an idiot. And so, life goes on all around me, people very often oblivious to the pain and sadness that is taking over my thoughts. I want to cry and I want to be alone and I can NOT do anything to change it.  I DO love those that watch over me and love me. I can smile outside and cry inside at the same time. What you do not see does not aways mean it is not there.  I try to think of what has caused THIS one to come to the surface but there simply is Not a reason. Again, it is simply there and now I must try and ride this one out and ope the end finds me still able to do the things my family needs me to do daily.
 I think perhaps, the that keeps some of the depression just below the surface is the knowing that there are those I love dearly that do not think there is anything wrong with me. They believe I can rise above it all with a simple thought. they are sure that my issues are no greater than anyone elses and that may in fact be true. But it doesn't mean i am weak or just not willing to move on. Some with the exact same disorder do move on and do live a normal life. I am very happy for them but please don't think that we always share the sadness or ability to face the things that have brought us to this place. Each person is different in some ways. Each of us share different reasons for feeling worthless or that we give nothing to this world that the world would not do fine without.
 I wonder what my existence actually adds to the world. Have  really given anything to anyone that they could not have gotten from someone, anyone else? Read this and feel my sorrow and fear that I will one day lose all that is precious to me. See the darkness that envelopes me now and fills me with doubt about everything and then tell me why ANYONE would pretend to have this or ever WANT to be this way. I only wonder how long this one will go on and if I am strong enough to walk through it all. I guess only time will tell for me. And remember please, what you do not see may in fact really exist. I have learned over the decades of suffering how NOT to let people see me in my darkest moments. Only those that are near me every day know and not always then either. That is why I call this the "Silent Killer."  Hang on tight... this is going to be a bumpy ride...

AmericaHealthInsurance.com

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 AmericaHealthInsurance.com takes the time to show you the difference between an HMO and their PPO plan.  They will take you step by step in bringing to you the knowledge they have. When you read what they have to say, you too will understand that, though HMO's are often the most affordable Policies, there Are other choices for you and your family. AmericaHealthInsurance will show you ways to help bring the cost of your policy into your price range without compromising the good coverage you expect and deserve from a health insurance provider. Changes to your deductible along with living a healthier life-style are just a few of the ways they will help you make America Health Insurance the affordable Insurance you are looking for.
 With company's closing their doors in what has become a nearly "daily" happening, the need for an affordable health insurance is more important today than ever before. Family's, children included, are going without  health coverage because they simply can not afford the high cost. AmericaHealthInsurance offers something for you, no matter what your situation may be. Healthy Americans that don't share the burden of worry over affordable health insurance can find a HMO that will suit their needs. AmericaHealthInsurance offers you another type of coverage, should you find yourself in need of Catastrophic coverage. Better known as "major medical",  this coverage is something you will be glad you have should you be seriously injured or need repeat medical attention.  Any type of coverage you are looking for, Including "life partner" coverage, an option not offered by all Insurance Companies, is available to you through AmericaHealthInsurance right now. Log in to AmericaHealthInsurance  and ask for a quote today. You will be glad that you did.  

The Right Choice...CLAIMENTLAW.com

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Awesome Powers Unleashed...

Sometimes, we have to take a second look at things before we see the real truth. This being said, I had just such an opportunity to do that this weekend past. A beautiful wedding, a wonderful time spent with friends and family made up the substance of my weeked. Their was laughter and joy and smiles and song. All the elements needed to make it a perfect day. And oh yes... there Were Storms!
 A 4 hour drive back from Orange City, Iowa turned into a 7.5 hour drive because the weather decided to turn nasty on us. There were 5 of us in my vehicle. We were closely followed by my sistr and brother in law and bhind them was the third vehice in our little caravan. That vehicle held two  of my nephews and my niece. I was driving a 4WD Jeep Commander. The other two vehicles were small cars. The storm hit just before we left the reception hall. The rain was falling so hard that you could barely make out the vehicle directly beside you. Lightening filled the sky at 3 to 5 second intervals. Hail pounded the ground and it's sting nwas felt as we tried to gas the vehicles up for the long haul home. Sirens wailed in our airs and the threat and probability tht a Tornado was nearby had us all retreating under the only cover we could find. Trees.
 Needing more than wanting to keep moving, we took a chance and left the town. We could no have imagined at that moment what the night would become for us. The rain was relentless and the roads were 90% unseen, at Any speed. 230 miles laid between us and home. At an average of 35 miles per hour, we knew it was going to be a vey long drive. We were forced to pull off the road more times than I can truthfully recall because of the excessive winds and rain. No matter what direction we were traveling, the Storm stayed directly on top of us. Darkness was only as long as the in betweens of the Lightening. Winds pushed the SUV over to the left side of the road too many times. We talked of stopping but power to motels along the road was taken out by power lines being torn down by the storm. The highway was covered in trees branches that were only seen moments before the vehicle ran them over.
 At two places, we came to rods with overhead train tressles. The road dipped into wat might as well have been a huge soup bowl. Thewater ran directly to that spot and became a 3 foot deep pool that we Had to go through or stop the trip all together. The option to take a new route was not even feasible. Highways were sealed off going into towns and to turn back would have put us face first directly in the path of this fierce and mighty storm. So travel on we did, watching the headlights of the two cars following us, disappear in the water as they followed us through the ravines. Some were sick from the fear of the storm. Some coddled in the backseats, praying and softly crying. This storm stayed with us the entire trip home and had more opportunities to side swipe us and leave us at the total mercy of the elements.
 My thoughts are this. Through out the trip I kept thinking that this storm could and very possibly would hurt us in some way. 4 miles behind us, a town had been hit a few hours before we made our trip. Houses were taken down to the basements and Pig Confines, holding 300 pigs each, were leveled, killing the pigs as it ate its way through the fields. This same storm was here, on top of us, threatening to do the very same thing to us as it had done not so long ago to those pig confines. And YES!!! I was scared beyond just worry. I was afraid for the little girls we had in the back seats. Iwas terrified for the family that followed us so close, watching our moves so they could mimic them and avoid debri. The awesome power of the storm, of God's own breath, left me full of every fear you could imagine. With a flick of his finger, he could send us sailing off the road and into whatever happened to be in our path. The smal cars behind us taking the brunt of this storm as they tried to keep their vehicles on the road. God's awesome power had been unleashed and we were in the very center of it all. fear gripped me and I closed my eyes to pray.
Looking back, all I could see was the power that could kill us all in an instant, no warning, no selective destruction, simply we were in the wrong place and a very much wrong time. I had thought of how quickly we could all be hurt badly or killed. But then, it hit me. God's awesome power did not only mean the power to kill or hurt us. God is good and he has the power, just as easily to wrap his loving hands around us and protect us from what could be so horrible. His love and our faith were the two elements that could and DID bring us to our homes, alive and safe. His awesome power held on to us and kept us on the road. He touched our lives and brought to me, at That very moment, comfort and took away my fears.
 I write this today to show you that he has the power to, with but a single breath, wipe out everything in the path of his winds. But I take this moment to Glorify his name andgive HIM the credit and the thanks for bringing three families home safely. He IS awesome and His Love is great. A beautiful wedding and a beautiful ending to a very long day...

George... Just a cat????

Because life goes on, we go on. Sometimes not out of reason but out of a need to see what tomorrow may bring. Perhaps it will be better than the day before it. Death reminds us of our own mortality. Seeing something or someone you love die often brings you to a place of wondering. Abstract thoughts from an abstract mind. Animals... creatures we take and domesticate and make our own. We take from them love that they give to us, unconditionally. they become not just an animal in our home. They are family... children that we care for and love and share our lives with.   And when we lose them, it is very much like losing a family member.
 George, a Female tabby with a male name. So named by a man that lives with being bipolar every single day. To see her named a male name is nothing strange to those that know me and love me. It is simply the way it is. For over six years, George, the name, fit as well as George, the cat, fit into my life. Does it seem a bit strange to write about a cat? Not to my mind or in my world. It seems perfectly normal. She was tiny and she loved to be loved. Know by most of the family and friends that knew My George, as the cat with claws or "the Nasty one", George completed the litter of cats that are part of our home. She stood her ground and often, when she was bored, she played tag with the other cats.  Slapping them as they slept, she instigated many high speed chases in the house.
 And... in the night, when the day was finished, George faithfully climbed int bed with me and slept on one of my arms. She gave kisses and snuggled as close as she could to me. She followed me through the house and waited atn the window, watching for me when I needed to go somewhere. She was more precious to me than I can convey to you in words. If you are an animal lover in any way, you understand my words. You feel the loss and sadness of losing something you truly love. Though I am no idiot and understand She was a CAT, the loss is great and I will miss My George. I will miss the joy she has brought to me and my family. A nasty bacteria took her from me. One that hits without warning and cripples a cat from the knees down. A blood clot on her legs took her ability to move them. An autopsy revealed the clots were only two of so many inside her tiny body. An aneurysm on her heart would have exploded one day and killed her one day not far down the road. Her lungs were scarred from the pneumonia she had when I took her off the street. So many ailments and yet she never showed signs of any of it bothering her. She simply craved and took and gave Love.
 Just an animal???Hmmmm? I guess I didn't see her that way. I saw her as a companion and friend. I wonder how many others cry at the loss of an animal in their family? I hope that my perception of mankind isn't tainted or saddened by finding that I am odd man out by feeling the way I do about losing George. My tears are for a friend, not a "just an animal." We take them into our homes and our hearts and they become such a part of us. When they die, we mourn them and wish they were here. Seems I have been here, done this not so very long ago.

And "This too, shall pass.... 'gimel, zayin, yud'

'gimel, zayin, yud'... {translation>> This too shall pass}. Words written on a ring given to King Solomon. Powerful words that caused this great King to replace his smile with a frown. He realized in reading those words that everything he had, all that he possessed from his riches to his wisdom would one day be gone, just as everything on Earth was destined to be in time. Simple words written that have flowed down through the Centuries and been re-told and re-quoted and even claimed by people that had no right to claim them as their own.
 So what has this to do with anything I am writing about today, you may wonder. The answer is, Everything. The words crept into my head today, completely out of no-where, I might add. Nothing really new for me. Sadly, they did to me exactly what they had done to a King, thousands of years before I was even thought of. Centuries have passed and yet those words took me from that smile to a state of depression in less than an instant. A place that has left me today, evaluating, analyzing my life and what I have or have not accomplished. The feelings that whatever I Have done in this life, it is destined to pass away one day.
 The only real chance one has of leaving their mark on the world is to do something great! Something bigger than life. The fact that it is "bigger than life" allowing for that person to live on, long after they have left this world. Elvis did that. Hemingway did that. Even Wyatt Earp did exactly that. Singers, writers, cowboys... common people that became Uncommon by their works. They did not hide away in some room, working every day to try and find that song or novel that would make them a household name. Perhaps not the dream or desire of every person, but certainly the dream of THIS man. But... I think of the people that stand on corners and sing their hearts out, hoping for that one break, one song, that will take them from the corner of "15th avenue and no-where's land" to the memories of people they have never met.
  What is this really all about today? The face of depression. A look inside, up close and very personal, at what depression looks and feels like. Playing and replaying a song. Crying inside for reasons you don't even know. looking back on where you have been and what you have accomplished and feeling a bit lost and empty. A void that one tries daily to fill but can not. Sadness that makes you want to avoid contact with anyone for fear you will suddenly be over-whelmed with sorrow. Fear that you will never reach the top of the Mountain you have climbed and feel from and climbed again. Sorry that you can not talk to anyone because you simply can't find it in yourself to strike up a conversation.
  " 'gimel, zayin, yud'... This too shall pass."  I wonder sometimes. Will it pass or simply find a place to hide until a time when it suddenly surfaces again, the reason again not really known. Surely, time will pass and perhaps I Will find that special word, that chapter or 10 that grabs the attention of someone that says "Wow, let's make this available to everyone." And If I do find it, will it too then "pass"? I wonder if the world really understands the words I write here today? Words written between lines that will go unseen. Songs playing over and over in my mind. In time, will any of it really matter?

Silence can be so Loud... Final Chapter

As the knife neared his heart, Kindred thought about the woman he loved. He thought about the monster that was going to take his life. And he thought about the souls that had plagued him all of his life and had suddenly ceased their desires to see him dead. In an instant, it all came back to him. The abuse as a child that had created the man that he was today. The hatred and the love he had received, a mixture of good and evil that caused the very way he thought. His daily actions as well as the way he loved and left were a direct result of the abuses he endured through out his entire life. He realized that the fear of loving forever was given to him by this woman that sought to kill him. He thrusted his hands out in front of him, stopping the knife less than an inch from his heart.
 "N0, Mother! I will not let you take from me another moment of my life!" Kindred pushed his mothers arms away from him. He leaped to his feet and faced her. "I should thank you for trying one last time to kill me."
 "The pleasure will be all mine, little boy," she hissed at him. "I will love watching you die. But mostly, I want for your girlfriend to see it all! I want her to see what I saw that day! You, her love, dieing right in front of her!"
 She lashed out with her knife, cutting Kindred across his arm. The cut went deep and Kindred stepped back away from her. Blood ran down his arm and the pain was excruciating. His mother through the knife at him, striking his side. Kindred pulled the knife free and tossed it into the trees. From the side, he saw Clarise stand slowly. She walked to Kindred and placed her hand over his wound. He touched her hand and smiled soft.
 "It is ok, sweetheart... it doesn't hurt anymore. She can't hurt me anymore. I know now that the pain of her slapping me when I tried to love her no longer matters. It was long ago and i have found love with you. Nothing else matters now."
 "I am not finished with you, Kindred!" A gun appeared in her hand. As she took aim, a familiar voice rang out behind her.
 "You are finished with him, sister." They all turned and looked into the face of Kindred's Uncle and Aunt. "You promised if we disappeared long ago, you would not try to hurt him. You broke your promise and so we are here to protect him again."
 "Then I will just kill you first, like I should have done long ago!"As she turned to fire the gun at Kindred's uncle and hard breeze blew through the trees. Kindred watched as the ladies he had loved once all rushed at his mother. She fired the gun but the bullets went directly through their forms. They pushed into her and the gun turned in her hand. A second shot rang out and Kindred watched his mother fall to the ground. Blood ran from under her body and her lifeless eyes stared out at nothing. No longer did they possess the look of anger or hatred. They simply stared.
 "From us to you, Kindred..." was the last thing he heard from them before they faded completely from sight. As quickly as they left, so did the wounds from them disappear from Kindred and Clarise. Only the cuts inflicted by his mother remained. His Uncle and Aunt embraced him as Clarise tended to his cuts.
 "I am free, Clarise. Free to love you and stay at your side forever. She can not hurt me ever again. I simply had to stop allowing her to do so."
 "It appears, my darling Kindred, that the souls have forgiven you also. Now, with your Aunt and Uncle here to help, we can get on with our lives."
 "Stay with us for as long as you like, Kindred. We are not going anywhere."
 That evening, Kindred and Clarise walked hand in hand through the forest.  Kindred stopped and looked up as if he were listening to something.
 "What is it, love? What do you hear?" Her heart was racing with fear.
He smiled at her and kissed her. "Nothing, sweet lady. Do you hear that? I hear the sound of silence for the first time in forever. Silence, used to be so very loud...

Silence can be so loud... Pt 7

Kindred searched his mind for a way to stop the souls from attacking Clarise. He knew that when they were finished with her, he would be next. His mother stood near the cabin, watching with eyes that held pure hatred. Hatred that he knew was for him alone. Her voice was no longer soothing nor comforting. He listened as she chanted to the souls to kill him.
 "Make him hurt as badly as he hurt me! I want to see him suffer a horrible death!"
 Kindred turned to face his mother. He had killed once for her to save her life. Now, she wanted him to die. He thought about the souls and how they to wanted him to die. "Why", he wondered. "Why would they want me dead if they said they loved me so? It doesn't make sense."
 A voice whispered in his ear. The sweetness of his Clarise enveloped his entire being. He put his ear closer to her lips and listened.
  "You have found your answer in your very own words. Search your soul and you will be free."
 Kindred thought about what he had said. He realized that the answer had always been there. He simply needed to understand the "souls." He turned and faced the trees. He could see movement and knew the dark people were watching. As he stood, the "dark people" came out of the trees. He could see their forms, their bodies, For the first time. Suddenly, the souls stopped ripping at Clarise's body. Kindred walked towards the "dark people." He watched closely as the souls began to meld with the dark people. The faces were all familiar. The faces of every lady he had ever loved and hurt. He struggled to understand what was happening, his mind going 1000 miles a minute. As he stood in front of them, one reached out and brushed his face with her palm. The feelings was calming and soothing. He could see sadness in her eyes.
 "Katie, why are you sad? What does all of this mean?"
 "Oh Kindred". Her voice was soft. "You have suffered so terribly because of us."
 "No, not you. You, the people that came to me in the dark were good to me. It was the souls..."
 "Our souls, sweet man. We were split in two when you left us. The side that loved you, will always love you, became your protectors. The side that hated you and wanted you to hurt as much as we did when you left, became the souls that wanted you to hurt."
 "Why now? Why did you rejoin your souls now?What made it all change?"
 "You did, Kindred. You saw your mother for who she was and is. You see her hatred and still, you love her. The lady that has your heart lies dying here. We are sorry for that. Your pain, the selfless giving to protect her and her willingness to die for you made it all happen."
Another of Kindred's past loves stepped forward. She too touched his face. She sighed at the feelings she had while touching his skin.
 "Kendra... I am so sorry for the way I..."
 Kendra kissed his lips to silence him. "Sorry isn't needed. You suffer every day with the pain you put us through. Your own soul has been forever tormented. We are the ones that say sorry, not you. The wounds will heal in time, but the scars, they will be with you a very long time. But no more will you hurt because of us. Go and save that one that loves you most. You no longer need to bleed for us?"
 "I still don't understand! Please, I need to know how this happened."
 "When we took from you, your heart and your passions, we tried to make you give to us what We wanted, needed... Craved. You gave without getting back. We wanted only to be loved by you. When you asked how we could love you and yet hurt you so, we knew that our love had taken from you your freedom to move on. Your allowance of our wounds gave to us all of you. Now, we wish you no more harm. We also simply want to live and love again."
 "Then I need only to let you go for me to no longer bleed for you?"
 "Yes, Kindred, Yes!"
 "But I do not know how." His tears flowed like a waterfall as he spoke. "I don't know how to let go."
 He feel to the ground and cried out as he held Clarise in his arms. Suddenly, he felt the sting and then piercing pain in his shoulder. He turned and looked into the face of his Mother, her eyes dark with horrid anger.
"I can help you "let go", little boy! I will send you to the place you sent the man I loved. This is where I give it all to You!!!"
 The knife was lifted high into the air. Kindred watched as his mothers arm fell, the knife quickly closing in on his heart.

Silence can be so Loud... Pt 6

Clarise held on to Kindred as tight as she could. He walked to the door as if he were in some sort of trance. "Kindred, please listen to me. She is not going to help you! She will hurt you like she always has. She wants you to suffer like she thinks you made her suffer! If you go outside, the souls will be waiting for you too!"
 As if Clarise had pushed the right button, Kindred stopped. He looked at Clarise as if he had no idea where he was or why they were here.
 "The cabin, Kindred. We are at the cabin to stay safe. Your mother wants you to go outside so she can destroy you. She doesn't love you. She never loved you. But I do, Kindred... I love you exactly the way you are. Stay with me Please?"
 "I love you too, Clarise. We have to end this. You know that we can not go anywhere until this is finished. Now I see it all so clearly. Mother never did love me. She only needed me because when Father was hurting me, he wasn't hurting her. I was the buffer that allowed her a time to recoup from his cruelness."
 "Yes, yes, Kindred." Tears flowed from her eyes as she touched his face. "But he is gone now. You no longer need to protect her from him."
 "And the souls, Clarise? How do I defeat the souls? They are still out there, waiting."
 "You must find a peace with them also. Understand that you were not responsible for their happiness nor their sorrow. They chose to be with you and took the same chance that everyone who falls in love takes. Your heart simply wasn't ready nor able to give itself to anyone."
 "They don't care, Clarise. They still want their souls reunited with their hearts. How do I do that? It was so many years ago."
 "We have to face them to find a way. Pray that the "dark people" are near by. One by one, we will defeat them. We have to leave the cabin to do that."
 Kindred took Clarise' hand and touch her in his arms. He kissed her deeply and held her close to his body. "I love you, Clarise. No matter what happens, remember I truly have loved you."
 Kindred opened the door of the cabin. He stared into the face of his mother. She looked to be 100 years old. The anger and hatred had taken away her beauty and left only a shell of the woman he once killed for.
 "Kindred, my baby boy" she said to him, with her arms out stretched. "I am here to save you from those terrible ladies. Come be with me, little boy."
 Kindred looked at her open arms. Arms that had teased a little boy so many times, only to strike him and hurt him when he reached back for her. He pushed her away from him.
 "No Mother, I will not reach for you again. The little boy you seek to destroy is gone. He grew up into a man. You can not hurt him anymore."
 Suddenly his mother's face became contorted. Her anger was all that could be seen. She struck his cheek with her fingernails. Blood ran from the wounds and Kindred stumbled backwards.
 "You stupid little boy! You will never grow up! You will never know peace or happiness! I will see to that! Souls... the souls are here and they will help me kill you!  Poor, poor ladies. Taking from them the love they so craved and needed, just like you did to me! Shame on you, Kindred!"
 Clarise watched in horror as Kindred's shirt was torn from his body. Cuts began to appear and Kindred cried out every time a new cut appeared. Kindred did not try to cover his heart this time. Clarise stood in shock and fear as he allowed the "souls"to rip at his chest. His mother scratched his face and his arms until they too bled. Clarise thought the look on Kindreds face was one of relief, not fear or pain. The wounds seemed to give him a pleasure of some sort. Or maybe, Clarise thought they gave him Strength. She wanted to help him. Clarise grabbed his mother and tossed her to the ground. The look of surprise was in his mothers eyes. She stood and scratched at Clarise. Clarise again pushed her to the ground. She turned a again to Kindred.
 "Fight Kindred... get up and fight! We can defeat them!"
 "I am facing them, Clarise! One by one, I am facing them, remembering and apologizing."
 "Kindred, they are killing you! The souls are taking a little bit of you each time you remember. You think you are winning but they are stronger. Call to the "dark people". Call them Now Kindred!! The souls are taking you away from me!"
 The cuts seem to lessen, but Clarise could see that as they did, Kindred became weaker. They truly were killing him, one soul at a time. The cost of forgiveness seemed to be very high. Clarise had to find a way to stop them. Kindred's mother rushed her one more time. This time, Clarise held nothing back. She did not have the luxury of time to do so. She met her with a force that knocked Kindred's mother completely off her feet. Her body fell backwards and her head struck a rock, hard. Blood trickled from where her head had hit the rock, Clarise cared none whether his mother was dead or alive. She only knew she could now focus on Kindred.
An unseen force hit her in the chest. Her blouse was ripped open as Clarise felt the first sting of pain from a cut to her chest.  It was followed by another and another, so quickly that Clarise had no time to protect herself. She collapsed to the ground, beside Kindred. Blood covered her body now. The wounds were deeper than before. She could feel life ebbing out of her. She reached over and took Kindreds hand in hers. She stared deep into his eyes.
 "I love you Kindred. I would never hurt you as they have done. Their memory has haunted you for so Long, love. Destroyed your childhood and seeped into your adult stage. I will die for you if that's what is needed to save you. I have known your love, felt your heavenly touch. I have no regrets."
 Her body spasmed as more wounds appeared. Kindred realized that While the souls were so intent on killing Clarise, they were Not trying to kill him now. She was drawing their attention, just as he had done for his mother so many times as a young boy. He could see... feel her letting them take her so that he would live. He suddenly knew what he had to do to save them both.
 "N-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!!!! I will Not let you have her. She is mine! I am here! Come and destroy me if you think you can!"
 As if he were a magnet, suddenly his body was ravished with cuts and blood. The souls seemed  almost in a frenzy. Kindred looked down and saw Clarise, her body lifeless, her eyes wide open.
 "N-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o, No-o-o-o-o-o! Damn you!"
 He fell to the ground beside her and covered her body with his.

Silence can be so Loud... Pt 5

The cabin looked as if it were 20 miles from the car. In reality, it was only 100 yards.The length of a football field. It seemed so much further to Clarise and Kindred. The cuts and scratches were deep and their bodies were weak from the last encounter. Kindred ran to Clarise and tried to shield her body from the unseen souls.
 "Just keep running, sweetheart. It isn't too far now!"
 They reached the door and realized it was locked. Standing still was the worst thing they could do. The souls cut as deep as they could. Kindred could hear their voices as they tore into his back, trying to reach through to his heart. He cried out and pulled Clarise to his chest, covering her heart so the souls could not touch it. Kindred tried to put the key in the door. A deep laceration to his hand caused him to drop the keys. In desperation, he reached for a brick and ran towards a window.
 "No-o-o-o-o-o Kindred," Clarise called out, "Do Not break a window! The souls will use it to come inside the cabin! I'll get the keys!"
 Kindred dropped the brick and ran back to Clarise. She stood with the key in her hand. She was trying to unlock the door but the blood running down her face was clouding her vision.
 "I can't see the key-hole, Kindred! Please, help me!"
 Kindred grabbed the keys from her, stopping only for a moment to touch her face. He wanted to cry, but he knew he needed clear eyes to unlock the door. Clarise fell to the ground, trying to protect her chest. Kindred turned to pick her up.
 "No, no... for God's sake, for My sake, just get us inside the cabin! They are too strong out here!"
 The door suddenly opened. Kindred reached down and scooped Clarise off the ground. He carried her limp body into the cabin, kicking the door shut with his foot. He laid her on the sofa and feel to his knees. Tearing his shirt off, he tried to wipe the blood from her face. Clarise appear to be lifeless. He quickly checked for a Pulse. A sigh came from him as he felt the speeding "thump, thump," of her racing heart. Clarise stirred under his touch.
 "Safe, Kindred?"
 "Yes sweetheart, we are safe for now. They can not come inside the cabin. Apparently, my Aunt and Uncle's spirits are still protecting me here. Let's get cleaned up and allow these wounds to start healing. Then we will find a way to beat these things, once and for all."
 They showered and put on clean clothes. Kindred found food in the pantry and the refridge. The cabin appeared to be well stocked and the freshness told him it had been done recently.
 "I don't know who has been to the cabin. I thought I was the only one that knew of it other than you and my mother. I seriously doubt that she stocked the cabin for me."
 "Right now, I don't care who did it. I am just relieved we are here. Kindred, we need to talk about one more thing.  This is something you, yourself, will need to help me with. I understand where the "souls" have come from. You mention the "dark people" and speak as if they help you. Please tell me who they are. I need to know if they are friend or foe."
 "During the worst times of the abuse, I would go to a wooded area behind our house. I would stay there sometimes until far into the night, waiting until I thought my father would be passed out. It was during those times that I would try and escape from the realities of my life. Sometimes I would drift to sleep and the "dark people" would come to me and help to heal my wounds. I could never really see them but I knew they were there. Somehow, they made my hunger go away and made my belly fill as if it were full. They would touch me and make my cuts hurt less until they healed. I call them "dark people" because they only came in the night and I could not see them."
 "Something your mind conjured to cope with the horrible things that you were fighting."
 "No! No, you are wrong, Clarise. They were not fake nor fabricated by my mind. They truly exist and have saved my life more times than I can remember."
 "Kindred, I am not belittling them. I am just saying that perhaps..."
 "When we need them, they Will be there for us, Clarise. I need you to believe or they may not help us. Sooner or later we are going to have to go outside. I won't do that until night time. I, we need the help of the "dark people" if we are going to win."
 The windows shook as the "souls" tried to enter the cabin. Kindred walked around the cabin as if he did not even hear them. Clarise found herself clutching at her chest at every sound, fearful that they would get inside somehow and take her heart. They slept off and on, feeling safe to drift off, without the fear of the souls coming in through their sleep. Clarise was startled from her rest by the sounds of a door slamming shut.
 "Kindred!?!?" She looked at the front door. It was still locked. Searching through the cabin, she panicked when she realized Kindred was not inside. She raced to a window that gave her full view of the forest. Her eyes searched frantically for Kindred. She called out to him from the window. Suddenly she heard the front door open and saw Kindred enter. She threw her arms around him and kissed him deeply. As quickly as she had done so, she shoved him back away from her.
 "Where were you!?!?!? Why did you go outside?!? You left me here alone, damn you!"
 Kindred took her in his arms. "You were safe inside, Clarise. I had to be sure the "dark people" were here with us. They will be here when we need them. I hoped they might have some answers for us as to how to defeat the "souls."
 "And???"
 "Clarise, you do know why I was institutionalized, right?"
 "They told me it was for your own safety. They believed that you were hurting yourself... that the wounds they found on you were put there by you."
 "They locked me up because I told them of the souls and dark people. I tried to explain that those that hurt me, used me for their own pleasure and satisfaction, mainly my father and his insatiable appetite to inflict pain, had created a new world for me. A world where I could be safe and without shame and pain. They tried to be kind but told me that that world was not real. I lost control and they sedated me. They made me Sleep, Clarise! In their good intentions, they opened the door for the souls to come in and try and kill me. When they came in the next morning, saw the wounds and my bleeding, they refused to believe that the "souls" had done it. The doors were locked and my nightmare became my reality. They would search my room for anything I could have used to cause the new wounds every night. They would find nothing."
 Kindred suddenly stopped speaking. Clarise saw his eyes widen and fear take over his looks. She stared at him as he looked around slowly. Then, she too heard it. Her heart beat twice as fast and she took hold of Kindred's hands. The voice was soft. It sounded so gentle and kind. Clarise held Kindred closer.
 "Do not listen, Kindred. Cover your ears! Do something to block it out!" She knew he wasn't hearing anything she was saying. He heard only the soft, reassuring voice of his Mother.
 "I will save you, baby. Mommy loves her baby. I won't let any more harm come to you. Mommy knows how badly you hurt. Let me take it all away for you. I Love you, Kindred. Please don't leave me out here, baby boy."
 Clarise held on to him tight. She cried out and wrapped herself around him. She panicked when Kindred stood, as if she were not holding him at all. She screamed as he walked towards the door.