Half-lings Pt. 3

The night would be upon him in a few hours. He needed to approach Leandra while she was still in human form. Even though he had the ability to change or not change when he wanted, Michael knew that the power of the man beast was strong. He would be busy battling the desire to change to be effective in his quest. The Forest suddenly engulfed him and he knew he was near the pride's home. He could sense their presence already and his instinct to change was strong. He breathed in deep and drove on.
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"What are you going to do, Leandra? You are in love with this man and yet your pride, your own Mother insists that you kill him. How can you do that?"
"We are stronger as She-cats and the purpose, the call for us is sometimes stronger than our human side can over-come. When I see him, he is just another Man-beast. It is my human side that wants to love him... That does love him. I simply have to let that go and become all She-cat to defeat him."
"Leandra, I have to ask this. If you saw me and you were a "Cat", would you kill me? Would you know it was me?"
"Lori, we are not savages! We can think and recognize those we know in our human form. If not, Michael would just be a beast and I would kill him without question."
"Then you wouldn't kill me?"
"I don't know, Lori. I have never had that happen to me. We stay at our den when we are She-cats. I hope that our bond is strong enough to keep me from harming you."
"Me too. We have been friends since first grade. When you first told me what you were, I thought you were lieing to me. I followed you one day from school and saw you go into the forest. I waited until it was dark and then I saw it for myself. I was only Ten years old and so I was upset because I couldn't do that. You smelled the air and found me. You didn't kill me then."
"I remember, Lori. I changed back and told you about my family. You are the only human that knows what I am. You have never betrayed my trust and I love you dearly for that."
"I will never betray you, Leandra. You are my very best friend."
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Michael saw the opening to where Leandra's pride lived. He growled low as he sniffed the air. He looked like a Coon Hound, on the trail of a fugitive. The smell of the She-cats was strong and he fought the urge to change. Jordan stirred in the back seat. His wounds nearly healed, he felt re-energized. He too could smell the cats. He knew he would not, could not change until dark. Then smell still made his mind whirl and left him dizzy for a moment.
Michael sensed his brothers urge to change. He too knew that Only himself could change at will.
"Jordan, you need to stay in the car. I want you to lock the doors when I get out. You are Not to get out no matter what you hear! Should Leandra change, she Will smell you and come to kill you. You do Not possess the strength to kill her nor fight her off! Stay where you are!"
"I have no desire to die today, Michael. I'll be here when you come back."
"One more thing, brother. If it turns dark and I have not returned, drive. Drive as fast and as far as you can and do Not come back. If I survive, I will find You!"
Michael left the car and heard the doors lock. He prayed that the car would be enough to keep Jordan safe. He walked deeper in to the woods, following the scent of the She-cats. He shook his head often, trying to fight off the want to change. He knew that to walk into their pride as a beast would bring on an instant battle. That was the last thing that he wanted. He was almost sure that Leandra was the only one with the ability to change at will like he could. He hoped that he was right. If not, this would be his last trip to their den.
The forest suddenly opened up in front of him. He was instantly surrounded by the human form of the She-cats. Hissing and growling was all Michael could hear. Several of the women lunged at him and took his arms in their hands. Michael could have tossed them all to the ground. Hos strength was still that of the Man-beast, even in human form. Michael resisted the want to change and went with them quietly. He was taken to the front of their den where he was greeted with a slap across his face. The slap stung his cheek and he felt his talons grow from his fingers tips. He retracted them and stared at the woman in front of him. He recognized her at once.
"Deanna, I come to you in peace. I do not want to fight you."
Deanna stepped forward. She took Michael's face in her hands. Her strength was extremely evident to Michael. As a human, facing her as a She-cat would be a fair fight. He stood still and looked directly in her eyes.
"Peace, Michael? Do you beasts even know what that word means? I should kill you right where you stand. It would save my daughter, who somehow has fallen in love with you, the trouble of killing you herself!" She released her grip on Michael's face.
"The battle would be violent and the end results may not be what you had anticipated. I spared your daughters life the last time we battled."
"Why did you do that, Michael? We are enemies. Your purpose is to kill us. Why would you not follow through?"
Michael looked at Deanna, His features softening. He looked at the other women with caution. His voice was soft calm when he spoke. "I spared Leandra because... because I am in love with her. I do not wish to kill her but rather to be her mate."
Deanna stepped back and her teeth grew. She snarled at Michael and her teeth showed. Michael took a step backwards and spoke again. "Be angry with me if you will, Deanna, but it will change nothing. We need to talk of other things. Things that could destroy both your people and mine as well. The humans are coming to kill us all. We must stand together as one pride if we are to defeat them."
"Never" was the answer given by Deanna. "I will not ever stand beside a man to fight! I don't care if he is human or a disgusting Man-beast."
"Then Deanna, you And your pride will all die at the hands of the humans. Think about it Deanna. Do you want to watch your daughter die!?!?"

The Half-lings Pt.2

She knew she had to return to her pride. It was nearing dawn and her life would totally change during the hours of light. Leandra had long ago learned how to change no matter what the time of day or night it was. She was the first of her generation to have the ability to do so. Her mother told her it was because she been with a human before Leandra was born. The mixed blood had given Leandra a special gift. She knew that Michael's mother must have done the same for he too could change at will, though not nearly as fast as she could. As she began the change, she wondered how many of the wounds would show today. Hearing her mother call out to her, she finished the change and went to her.
"Are you hanging your head, Daughter!?!?"
"Mother, I.."
"Stop, Leandra! I do not wish to hear any more of your reasons! This time, you nearly cost the life of one of your own, not forgetting that you were almost killed yourself!" Her mothers voice softened now. "Leandra, I know what is happening. I have been there myself. You must fight the desire and destroy him... before he destroys you. I love you daughter but the pride is becoming weary of your antics. You are an adult now and the strongest of all, save myself. If you were not, the pride would have run you away or worse."
"Mother, you are wrong! You Think you know my heart but you do Not!!"
Seeing her mother move at such speed took Leandra by surprise. In a single breath her mother was in front of her. Leandra watched in fear as her mothers featured went from a beautiful queen, to a Leopard with strength beyond mans imagination. Her claws extended she gently took Leandra's face between her paws and pulled her to her own face. The scent of a fresh kill was still on her mothers breath and Leandra licked her lips and fought Not to change again. Her mothers low growl was telling Leandra everything she needed to know. Deanna loved her daughter more than life itself but she knew she needed to bring reality to her daughters mind. Squeezing Leandra's head between her paws, her heart ripped in two as she listened to her daughter cry out.
"Mother please, it hurts me when you do that! Please stop!!" Leandra knew not to pull away. Her mother's claws would tear her human form to tiny shreds.
"This is Nothing, Daughter." Deanna's growl made Leandra try to turn her head away. "Stop moving Cub! You do Not need more wounds than what that Man-Beast has already given you! Do not chance to talk aggressive to me and do Not tell me what I know to be true is wrong! You have loved the man Michael since you were a child. HE does Not love you! He wants only to see you dead! You, and all of your pride. Hell daughter, he waits to see the end of your entire people! When next you see him, you must kill him before he kills you. I am powerless against him because he has both bloods in him. He has the old dominate male blood and in that, he has the strength to kill us all. All except you.
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Michael drove through the pouring rain. His site was not like a common mans. He saw through the rain as if it were a perfectly clear day. Jordan would sleep most of the drive. His wounds would only heal while he rested. By evening he would have 75% of his strength back. It would be enough to do some battle but never enough to win against a strong adversary. Michael would have to watch over Jordan until all of his strength had returned. Jordan was only part of the things going on for Michael. He knew that the humans would return to finish what they had started. He could not allow them to kill Leandra. His heart knew that as well as his mind did. He heard Jordan stirring in the back seat.
"Why are we going back to the very place that you and were nearly killed? It makes no sense to me at all. Tell me there is not something going on between you and the girl."
Michael stared at the road in front of him. He offered no answer and Jordan knew not to push the issue.
"If we do not find a way to come to terms with the Pride, the humans will hunt us down and destroy all of us. It is the Only way, Jordan. We can not run our entire life. If we can find a way to convince the humans we can co-exist, we can then be free to live our lives as we have for centuries."
"How might we do that Michael? We are beasts, remember?"
"Not always, Jordan. We do exist as humans also."
"Half-lings, Michael. We are called Half-lings, remember?" Michael growled low. He hated that word. "not all of us can change at will like you and the she-cat can. You are the only ones that have that power. My father was Not your father. I am like the others. The dark and night still rule my world."
"Yes, and it is for Your world that I go to the cats and seek their help. We must either change the minds of those that want to kill us or destroy them."
The sun would not be gone for many hours. Michael knew that there was no way to negotiate with the cats unless they were in their human forms. He needed to make it to their forest before the sun set.He pushed down on the gas pedal and wondered if what he was trying to do were even possible. He would not know the answer unless he asked.
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Leandra sat alone, looking at the scars on her arms and legs. She was grateful that the worst of them were covered by clothing. She would only have to answer for the purple around her left eye. Her human friends would no doubt think she had been abused by some man. She snickered to herself. She knew that in the strangest way, they would not be far from right. She needed the human contact and cursed herself for that. They were an enemy to be reckoned with. They had seen that before. She still had to figure out what she was to do about Michael. Her mother was of course correct. She had been in love with him for longer than she could recall. To kill him was something she knew in human form she could never do. And yet, she had a better chance to kill him that way than when she changed again. His strength had scared her earlier. Never had she known such power. Why had he not killed her? HE could have finished her and yet he stopped and allowed her to claw him so badly. Maybe, she thought, maybe he loved her too...
Leandra heard the sounds of her friends voices. They were screaming and yelling to her. "What happened to You!?!? Damn it, girl, don't you know how to just say No and get away from the creep that did this?"
Leandra smiled at Lori. She had been her best friend for most of her life. She was also the Only human that knew what Leandra really was. It was their secret and Lori had never betrayed her.
"It was a rough night, Lori. Don't even ask."
"Was it Michael?"
"No, Michael could have but he didn't. I am still wondering why he didn't."

The Half-lings...

He drove for what seemed liked hours. The rain was relentless and his eyes grew weary. The constant slapping sound of the windshield wipers echoed in his head and tried to lure him to sleep. The trees sagged from the weight of the soaking rain fall. They looked like old men, backs bent and touching the ground at times. He drove past a golf course, that's only occupants were four deer, standing drenched in the cold. Steam rose from their backs as the rain covered them, though it seemed to go un-noticed by the deer herd. Michael rubbed his eyes and rolled his window down. The rain and cold felt good on his face and arm and did what he wanted it to do. The rain woke him and he sat straight in the seat and tried to focus on the road. What was behind him needed to stay there. If it caught up with him again, Michael was sure it would kill him. It's very presence was enough to do that. Michael needed to re-gain his strength before he had to do battle again. The wounds would heal themselves, sure enough. It wasn't those injuries that bothered him. It was the wounds that had sliced into his soul and stripped him of part of his powers. Which powers he had lost, he wasn't yet certain of. How long they were gone for was any ones guess. Michael did not have the grace to second guess anything right now.
She sat near the entrance to the valley. Tree covered, the way in was nearly impossible to see unless you knew what you were looking for. She licked at her cuts and watched them close with each touch of her tongue. She winced in pain at the deeper cuts. Her fur was a tangled mess and she hoped to have it all in place when the change came. When had he gained so much strength? The man Michael could never have come so close to defeating her in the past. She hated him for reasons she was no longer sure of. Leandra had come from a long line of She-cats. Her mother and the others had slowly but surely gained dominance over the males in the pride. Rearing their daughters to be killers was only one part of their training. Hating the males and slowly killing the strong ones was a bigger challenge. A challenge they had finally won. Now the males hunted and watched over the young as her mother and aunts had once done.
Michael pulled into a rest area that had a shower. He washed the mud from his body and thought about the man that had once owned the vehicle he was driving. He had not meant to hurt him. He merely needed the vehicle to get away from Leandra and her pride. If he had waited until he had fully turned, perhaps he would not have been so vicious with the man. He may have felt some human compassion and allowed him to live. None of that really mattered now. What was done, was done. he had to survive and to have waited longer would have left him vulnerable and probably dead now. Alone, he would have killed Leandra. The strength of her whole pride had been too much for him. Michael knew inside that it was not the pride that had caused him to nearly die. He knew that he had held back from releasing his full power on Leandra. He was completely aware of Why he had done so. That knowledge angered him. He lashed out at the shower stall with his hands. As the shower stall wall shredded into slivers and fell to the floor, Michael cursed under his breath. Hearing a voice behind him, Michael felt his body responding to what could be an enemy. Teeth sharpened and lengthened. His hands stretched and his nails became like steel.
"Put them away, Michael. I do not wish to be the recipient of the talons."
Michael turned and looked into the face of his brother, Jordan. He wasn't sure how he felt about seeing him here.
"How did you find me, brother? I left you many miles away!"
Jordan could feel the anger in Michael. He stepped back and a shudder went up and down his spine. He knew that Michael could kill him with just a single lashing out of his hand. Jordan wondered if it had been a mistake following his older brother here.
"Please Michael, I do not want to fight and I want to die even less."
"Why did you come here, Jordan? I should kill you just because you left the caves. You took a huge chance that you could have been followed."
"I wasn't, Brother. I swear."
"And if you had been, we would both be dead right now. I do not have the strength for another battle at this time. Tell me now why you are here?!?!"
"We were attacked in the night, while you were away."
"Attacked??? Attacked by what?!?!?!?"
"Humans , Michael. They found us and came at us with every weapon they could find. We lost five of our pride. I used what powers I had to keep those that died from changing. The humans did Not get the proof they sought to prove we were half man."
"Did they say anything during the attack?"
"The last we killed said there would be more. He said the cats would be the next to die."
Michael looked at Jordan, his eyes softening a bit and his teeth receding. His thoughts raced to Leandra and he felt his heart race. He could not let his brother see his reaction.
"Then this is a battle for all halflings. We will find a way to defeat the weaklings together!"
"She-cats and Man-Beasts fighting side by side, Brother!? You must have been injured far worse than it appears."
Michael's growl and the quickness of his bite told Jordan he had stepped where he was not allowed. One bite from Michael's powerful jaws was enough to tell Jordan to say no more. He would be healing from this bite for a long time.
"Get in the car, Jordan! We have far to drive..."

Just my thoughts

Sitting here today, listening to music, knowing my low is settling on for the long haul. My mind travels in all directions as Elvis sings to me "And I Love you So." The words take me to a million years ago, it seems. To my first love and through out life, all the places I have been, the things I have done. Sometimes, when a person is down inside, they seek out those things that have brought joy and contentment to their lives. The past and present and sometimes if one dares to dream, the future. Remembering a time before the Bipolar and tourettes shoved the simple life aside and changed my world. Things that seemed so easy became nearly impossible to grasp. Anyone that is bipolar, depressed or simply feeling as if they are not connected to the world or anyone around them knows the feelings I write about here.
A heart that seeks so many things. To find acceptance for who he is. To find where it is he belongs in this crazy world. A place that everyone feels the same and so there is no need to say "Please don't judge me or tell me to "fix it." Seeking a chance to go back and do things right but knowing nothing done can be undone once time has gone by. To walk with out wondering how many eyes are watching you or if you have made some movement or twitched without realizing you did and someone saw it. Not wanting to have to explain it all. The need and desire to find a place that is hidden to slip into when I need too. Wanting to back time up a bit and reach out for something beautiful and hold on to it tightly. So tight that it is still with you when you reach the place you had just been.
I look around me and I see a "support team" that is so good and so understanding. I click or twitch and they simply go on about their business. I really should be quite content but my mind wont allow that. I have never forgotten one single incident in my life. The good and the bad.The thoughts have inter-acted with one another and gives to me a vast imagination to write. This once again is the world of a bipolar person. Abstract, confusion and fear that I have or will hurt someone and that tears me apart because it is NEVER EVER meant. I think there are many that know exactly where it is that I am right now. ..................

What is success and how do you know you found it????

How do you measure success? The definitions all point towards the achievement of a goal that one has set for themselves. They also mention becoming famous and/or rich, though I think that one may indeed go hand in hand today. I read and then re-read the definitions and try to find myself inside of it. The truth is... I am not sure that becoming rich nor famous is the ultimate height of being successful. I sometimes believe that success is being where you wanted to be right when you were there.
I have been called a success by some and yet I still fail to see that in myself. Having published novels and a CD produced with my own songs on it Should really spell out success. I am sure that it would and does for some people. For me, if it does not come with your name being in homes at the dinner table or recognized for your Achievements, then is it really success? Doesn't the word scream out for more than "accomplishments?"
I look at my life and think about all the places I have been and all that I have done. I managed to grow up without harming anyone physically. I made a lot of friends along the way and am remembered by many of them, some years after I myself had forgotten their names. I served my country in the Air force and married a beautiful woman. We waltzed through this world, adversaries and all, hand in hand and raised two beautiful daughters. We battled a disease that tried hard to take our freedom and our happiness away, but we won that battle. I served the Lord faithfully for many years and hopefully planted seeds in the hearts of some young people.
Sometimes, to see success, I look towards my father. I see all his children rally around him and seek his advice when life slaps them in the face. I watch his grand children look up at him with love and respect and think to myself... this is a measure of success. Though wealth was never his or my mothers, they have waltzed through this world together for almost 60 years. They still hold each others hand and their love for one another is without question. I wonder if perhaps success is something other than fame and money. It may be that the word truly means being remembered only because you are you.
If I sit and think about myself, perhaps I have seen success at times in my life and was so busy looking for the pay check that I missed it. It is said that history is destined to repeat itself and I wonder in my mind if I might be doing that. Am I so busy reaching for the fame and money side that I am missing the success that lies in front of me. I Have published novels and I Have produced a CD that will live on forever. I do have beautiful people in my life and have been blessed more than any man deserved to be. If all of this is true, then why do I still seek what I already have? What event or happening will it take before I am content to simply live my life out?
Abstract thoughts perhaps, but thoughts that bring out the question.. What is the true meaning of success? What personifies the word and how do we know that we have achieved it? Just rambling thoughts of a man that is caught in a world that is often to fast and too harsh for me to settle in my heart. "Being where I want to be when I am there." Hmmmmmm????

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Weighing Good versus Bad.

The weather outside is "Frightful" and I see nothing at all "delightful" about it. I took a walk this morning as the snow fell. It was a time to relax and reflect a bit on some things that have been on my mind. I began to wonder what really makes us worthy of friends and of good things in life. What says "You are a good man" or "You have found success in this world?" I pondered these questions, trying as hard as I could Not to allow this bipolar brain of mine to take over. I fight for my own true thoughts because I Know that within the Bipolar world that I live in most of the time, the only answers I will receive is "you are not a good man... you have Not found success." Why? Because that is what a bipolar mind does. It seeks out all the reasons you are not a good person.
SO, I thought about what things about This man... Me, that would cause me to over-ride my mind and allow me to see what others have told me they see in me. I have reached out to those less fortunate than me for as long as I can remember. Even as a young boy, I surrounded myself with young people that were other wise Not accepted in the "every day world. It was a time when "challenged" kids were shunned by society. I saw no difference between them and myself. I took them under my wing and they in turn, gave me their trust.
I was and continue to be kind to those around me and have continued to feel the sadness and fears of those around me. To give of myself has been life's greatest blessing and the rewards inside have always been more than THIS man deserved. I stood by the side of a woman that taught me more about being strong and endurance than anyone else in this world. Though I fell short of being a totally good man to her, what I did give to her was my heart and soul. We walked through this often cruel world, hand in hand, crying with her when she needed to cry, laughed when ever we could and as hard as we could. Never allowing life to hold us back, we went for the Gold and won. I was a good husband and made certain she kept her dignity and her reason for being here.
As a father, I always made time for my daughters. We laughed and played and every where Sheila and I went, the girls went with us. We taught them the power of love and the meaning of a good days work. We showed them the rewards of working hard and what it meant to be responsible. And before they graduated, I managed to leave their mother, hurting her in ways I could not have even imagined and changing their safe worlds forever for them. A wrong I will and do live with daily, for the rest of my life.
I am a published author of two Suspense Novels and have written over 100 songs. I have a CD that is available, of love songs I have written. They still wait to find the fame that I truly believe that they are worthy of. Unfinished or unrealized... either way, the same results. I look back over this, a mere fragment of what I have done in the 51 years I have been blessed with thus far. I look at where I have been and the things I have done. I Do see the good things but I also see that somewhere inside each one of the fragments of my life, I caused someone pain.
What defines a good man? Are the things he did before he messed them up strong enough to make him worthy of being called friend? Does the merit given to that person stand of its own strength or do the faults and failures out shine or cloud the good that was there? Can a Hall of Famer have that title truly stripped from his being? Or does he in fact remain that person that came through when he was most needed, that gave his best before the world became his very own private war, in some peoples eyes? IS he/she allowed to stand and smile and say "I am a good person, worthy of being called "your friend" even after he falls?
The battle, the Bipolar slowly slipping in and taking over thoughts that moments ago had a good feeling to them and so it is time to leave this blog before all things become negative again, as I know they will. Can I call myself a good man, a good Son and Father and Mate? Or have the failures and faults erased that which was once my pride? I wonder...

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Writing... a different world.

Sometimes... Life just gets really busy and we try to fit as much of it into the time we have as we can. It seems though that to accomplish as much as we can in one day, we have to set some things aside. How does one decide which things it will be that do not receive the attention they should be getting? I understand priority... but whose priority? Do we base it on personal issues or do we look at the "business" side of life and place that in the higher priority spot?
Perhaps I over think things at times. I am a writer and I DO believe that a writers world is truly NOT like anyone elses world. I wonder how you segregate the personal sometimes from the work that needs to be done in order to make ends meet? I know that bills need to be paid and that Life is going to happen no matter what we do. That is a given. But I find myself often times NOT finishing, Not accomplishing things that I know have to be done because I have a need and a want and desire to spend time with friends that are so important to me. I sit and try and figure out what is Really important in my life. I am a writer and that is my passion. I write for the enjoyment and I write because I want to share with the world all that is inside of me. I want to be a name that is spoken at some dinner table or tea shop far, far away from me. I want to see life happening in as many ways as possible.
I also value the love of my family and of my friends and not simply want but Need to give my time to them. Inside of me, I battle to try and know what it is I am to do and yet sometimes it still leaves me not knowing for sure . The need for success and the need for family is often a place I find myself at a stand still. Does one thing or at least a part of one thing have to be sacrificed for the other to happen? There was a time when the two seemed to fold together and neither was left alone. To dwell in harmony together there has to be a contentment that says it is alright if I am doing one or the other for a time.
I think that when I worked outside of the house it was easier. I knew that each day I had a job to do and it was not a choice thing of when I did it or how long I would be working. Hours were set and when the day was finished, my time was then given to my family. Working from the home can change a lot of that. There is always something to do at home outside of the writing and the pushing the novels. Sometimes it takes me away for hours and when the time comes that I can sit and do a little work here, there are family matters and family time that calls. I have often thought of renting a little studio that would be where I went to work to do my stuff but that simply is not an option.
A writers life is for certain a different life from others I think. Inspiration comes at all hours and punches no time clock. In bed, while on the road, working in the yard... all of these places are wide open to inspirations. There was a time I carried a little tape recorder and a note pad with me Every where that I went. Do you know how hard And how dangerous it is to try and write down a few words on a note pad at 70 miles per hour on the interstate? The saying "Ashes to ashes and dust to dust, IF he had been watching the road, he would still be with us" takes on a life of it's own. Written a bit in fun, it truly held merit at times. I think that the truth be said, segregating family and work has got to be as much an art and act of discipline as the writing itself.
I think that perhaps I will continue doing things just as I have for some time now. My family seems content with it, I get most of my work finished and what does not get finished will simply wait for the following day. As I said before, I may in fact over think things at times but that is My mind and I don't see it changing any time soon. This is the life of not just a writer... this is the life of a bipolar writer. Is there really a difference in the two? YES!!! For me, abstract is a way of life and to have 10 projects going and none quite finished is a normal state of being for me. But when one DOES find it's way to completion, I promise you, it is spectacular.

Until Death Do We Meet and Abduction

Two powerful novels that will have you wanting to see the next page as quick as you can!!!

Outside the USA

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2010... New or Used?

Today begins a New year. 2010 arrived very much in the same way that 2009 had arrived one year ago. As I look back on the past year and reflect on where I have been and where I wanted to go, I find many places, goals, if you will, that I did not make reality. Goals that weren't missed because they were unattainable. Every single one of them was with in my reach if I had pushed a little harder... reached out further and applied myself more aggressively. Some of them were so close I could feel them being finished. Others I let sit, knowing that with a little effort, I would have made them reality. Unfinished, unrealized because of that part of me that says "what if I fail?"
I heard the statement today :Same crap, different year" and it really hit me hard. I realized that the goals I have set for myself are not "failure" goals. They are not pre-destined to collapse some-where just short of the finish line. All of the elements for success are already in place. Certainly they will not happen on their own. They will need a little help on my part and perhaps, yes, a break or two. The right eyes to see what I have created. The avenues opened up so that I can get my works through to the person that needs to see them. But each and everyone of them have all the potential to be a success. It Doesn't Have to be the "same crap." It only has to be a New Year, a different Year. That is the only thing that I have no control over.
Novels waiting to be published and free-lancing that just needs a push out the door. people and places that are there, like fruit in a tree that is ripe and needs only to be harvested. People that are dear to my soul that can help me simply by their encouraging words are still in my life. They are still as near as a screen. No miles in between, no distance running to catch them. Just a simple, caring hand reached out to say "I am Still here. I have not left. I am going No-where except forward and I would love for you to come along."
Discipline... Causing myself, Making Myself set boundaries for where I spend my time and how wisely I make use of it. Knowing that it can only get away from me If I allow it too. Again, Knowing there are always variables to everything in life but understanding that fact and having alternatives ways of still accomplishing my goals. Easily done? No, not always for me. My mind simply doesn't always work on that even of a keel. Sometimes, life takes me away for a time and I need to readjust my mind set. But that doesn't mean that I can not still do what I have set out to do. Does it? Can I truly do what I believe today, this first day of a New Year, I can accomplish? Will life and things that have plagued me for more years than I care to count slip in unseen and take away the desire and the belief I have today in myself? Will it be another "bipolar" year for me? Does it have to be? Really????
{Sighs...} I guess it all depends on myself and those that I surround myself with. On the encouragement of those that matter to me. I think that without that very important element, it could be the "same crap with just a different Year's Date."

Low's and a Freight Train...

I once believed that you could NOT stop a freight train that was in motion. I learned very recently... that simply is not true. Today, I sit and think of the New Year coming. I know that with the changing of the calender, so many new things will appear. Doors that have been open forever may close, making way for new ones to be opened. New roads to walk on and new hands to hold as you journey into things and places Unknown. Not All will be new. Some of the places we have been and people we have known for a lifetime will be refreshed and begin anew. AND some things... will remain exactly as they have been for a very long time.
This morning I was asked about the Bipolar Disorder. When asked, I always feel compelled to answer the question of "what is it" and "how do I know if I have it?" The link of have placed here gives a very good "Medical" description, which of course is where one should look first. It is very important that if you do think you may suffer from this affliction that you contact your Doctor and discuss it with her/him. They will know the proper channels to take in order to determine what it is you feel you may have.
But truly, a doctor is only going to be able to take you so far and then the individual personality traits step in. Though most Bipolar people have the same initial signs and actions that come with being Bipolar, each and every person is different in some ways. Some may suffer deeper Lows and deal with their issues unlike another Bipolar person. Depression is Always factored in as part of being Bipolar. Though one can be depressed and Not be Bipolar, no one that suffers from Bipolar disorder is with out Depression. How life's obstacles and sadness is faced and dealt with also have a great deal to do with how deeply effected you are by the disorder. What triggers a Low often evades the patient and there may be times that No reason s found. It simply comes on and effects your daily routine, your love life, your thoughts and decisions and it effects your ability to function in the "outside" world. Small things that never effected you or that do Not effect most people may set your emotions on a downward spin. Tears that may go on for hours or even days. The feeling of being worth nothing to anyone or that everything or everyone you touch will turn into a disaster. A desire to be alone a great deal of your time and the fears of what may happen if you stay in the Low too long are always thoughts inside the head of a bipolar person. Highs that cause you to believe that there is not a single task nor a single person that you can not fixed or finish. But in the end, the Low slips in and the realization that you are NOT a Super human sets in.
Today... actually last night, I had a life altering situation come to me. And in that situation, the very question that was asked of me, was answered. The Low that has set it's Talons into my mind is as strong as they get for me. As I describe it to you, you will have a first hand experience with a bipolar person in a low. Confusion and a feeling of dis-connection from the rest of the world settle inside my mind. Uncertainties and the barrage of guilt and anger and sadness and fear all coupled together by a string in my mind layed the foundation for a Low that will take me from one end of being lost to the other side of feeling empty and alone. I will process and assess and I will take blame and atone. I will feel as if I don't deserve to know happiness or love because I have hurt someone, in some way... whether or not that actual hurt even occurred.
Is it cold in the house today or is it simply my sadness that has left me wrapped in a blanket, feeling as if it were 20 below zero in the house. Turning the heat up in the house only to find oneself roasting and turning the heat back down again. The world, for now, suddenly seeming less safe and less inhabitable by one such as myself. Smoking far more than normal and searching the empty space around me for some type of security, anything that I can take hold of and hold close to me as if it were a life line to reality. A door, once open with a "welcome" mat in front of it, now closing, though I struggle with whether or not that can even happen. The door closing from the inside and myself standing somewhere outside. Afraid and writing with all that I am because it is a "safe place" for me. Scared of where this Low may take me and so I fight with all that I have inside of me to stay afloat in a sea of sadness and silence and fear.
THIS... this is My world. This is what being Bipolar is to me. The emotions tearing at me and the knowing that I will have to face this up close and personal and that it will take all that those that love me unconditionally have inside of them to pull me out of this train wreck. "You can't stop a freight train in motion"... Unless you take the tracks away it rides on. Always, Simply Me.

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The New Year... what will it bring with it!?!?!?!?

Today I sit alone in a very quiet house. No kids, no sounds except for the purring of my cat George. Yes, George is of course a she. But, enter my little Bipolar brain and just nod that "Of course" nod that tells me you are not at all surprised. I think back to the year that is almost finished with a sense of completion, yet at the same time... with a feeling that so many things did NOT get done. Projects started 100 times over, sometimes with almost the promised look that they Would in fact be completed, but with the knowing that they probably would not.
I have watched all of my girls grow and change in many ways. I have felt things that have Always been, slowly slip away, leaving me with a sense of emptiness. I have been loved more than I am sure I deserve. Time has gotten away from me more often than I have controlled it. Times with my therapist that has helped me more than I can say. And finding a safe place that has finally settled in to my heart and mind, telling me that she will not hurt me or take advantage of the mind set that is "my" little world.
I wonder what this new year will bring to me. I await it with a huge mix of excitement and fear. Excited that I may see my next novels in print. Excited that I may see my oldest two daughters find happiness and true love. The fear of knowing that for every "UP", no matter how high it takes me, there Will be a "Low" to battle. Wondering if I will have the strength to make it through the on-slaught of Lows that will be part of my New Year. And the knowledge that with new things come changes and changes are simply something I do NOT do well with.
This has been a different Christmas for me also. The weather has been a disaster here, truly, since the Spring rains that did not want to stop. And on August 9th, the storm to beat all storms in Eldora struck. Winds so high that the town's meter broke and we were only at 116 miles per hour when it broke. Hailstones so big they took out every window in the house and part of the roof. One, kept for remembering, placed in the freezer, that was the size of a softball. The loss of our pet squirrel due to shock from the storm. Clean-up and new rooves and windows that after over 5 months, is still going on.
December, the month of Christmas... a time for joy and laughter and going to G-ma's and G-pa's for a huge Christmas meal. This year, like so many other things related to the ever changing weather, a winter storm hit us a week before Christmas. Eighteen inches of beautiful but dangerous snow fell on us. Then, Christmas eve and the day before, we were bombarded with Ice!!! Ice and rain and more ice and rain. All roads in and out of Eldora closed to travelers. There would be no Christmas dinner at Mom and Dad's because there was no way to get into their house. A change! Huge and different and hard for me to adjust too. We would have Christmas dinner at home with just my little family. Sitting down and enjoying and knowing that the true reason we got together was to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ and to give thanks for all he has given to us. Perhaps our father in heaven wanted to remind some that Christmas is Not about getting together and exchanging gifts. It is about celebrating his son's birth. No matter where you are or what you are doing, it is still the day we have set aside and called it Jesus' birthday.
Still, fear lies inside of me. A fear that the new year Will be like the year that is almost over. That I will still start a thousand projects, still make a hundred promises, that when they were made, were pure and true and that my heart meant to keep. Life, ever changing, some for the good and some... causing me to go into a massive depression again. I know that I am different in my issues and the disorders that are always a part of my life. I hear of all these people that hide away for days. I know of some that simply can not face anyone nor anything and they find a place to be and simply stay there until their Low has subsided for a time again.
Me!!!??? I have family that relies on me daily for so many things. Children that need their father to be able to reach out and be there for them. I can NOT simply disappear for a day or two. I know in my heart that to be able to do that perhaps would be the worst possible scenario for me. The feeling of worthlessness and of failure, the destruction inside of me that goes on because I KNOW I have not completed so many things, would overwhelm me in such a terrible way. BUSY!!!! That is my savior daily. Parents that taught me that no matter what, you have responsibilities and so where my mind or my heart go, must be always secondary to whatever this sometimes 1000 mile per hour brain of mine takes me. Too much alone time, to few responsibilities would translate for me into "time to atone for me sins." Sins that perhaps do not truly exist except inside of my own mind and heart. Hurting people I love because my mouth says what is on my heart, sometimes too quickly. I want to be that number 1 best selling author. I want to be a good father. I want to be true and good. And I KNOW that if not for the things that keep me Busy, I Would find a place and sit and not move and not speak to anyone except for myself.
Life is strange as it is. It is hard at times and beautiful also. I am loved so sweetly and my "issues" simply noticed and tenderly subsided. And yet, still, there is the sadness that lives inside of me that wants so much to destroy anything that might be finished. Why? Because in finishing something, it can now be assessed and judged or rated. And that... leaves a door open to failure. See the abstract places my mind goes? Feel the sense of dis-connection I must live with? Feel my heart today and know that I want the New Year to be a better year. I want to know the things I dream of. I want to touch the lives that are a part of my very being. I want to have a day that I Do NOT see myself as anything other than a messed up man that is out of place in this world. I want to know Peace.