I ask the same Question!!!!

It has been a rough month for me. We have money to spend. We have a full house of groceries. We have pretty much anything we could desire. Hmmmmm? Rough??? Doesn't sound like anything should be rough on this end? Exactly!!!!!! The very reason I am writing today. My words will reach out and grab a few of you as you read this. You may find yourself whispering to yourself, "Hey, that sounds an awful lot like Me."
 I have a good life. I am a man that has been blessed more times in this life than any one man, especially THIS man ever deserved to be blessed. So why in the world would I be depressed? Again, the reason I write today. Depression and the added Bipolar and a little Tourettes tossed in to make for an interesting "salad" of life, certainly open up a world of sad. Yet still I ask myself, what do I have to be depressed about. Family members that simply refuse to believe that there is anything wrong with me. Those that think I can and really should just "get the hell over it!" I am very aware of all that I have. At the same time, I am extremely aware that I see myself as a total failure and that I have truly accomplished Nothing in my life.
 Depression IS an illness. It is brought on by imbalances in the brain that I do NOT have any control over. It is so easy to sit on the fence and scream all the things I Could be or Should be doing to make this all go away. To waltz through life, never seeing yourself as others see you tears the heart to pieces. To never believe that anything you have done in your life was ever worthy of appreciation or praise is not an easy row to hoe. The sadness and guilt and feeling of being completely disconnected and alone in this world can and do over-whelm the mind and soul. It wears a physical body out and leaves one feeling totally drain from the inside out.
 You, the ones that know me and love me and still look at me with disgust in your eyes, have no idea how many times I have looked in the mirror and saw that exact look coming from my own self. Over and over I ask myself why i am this way. I wonder daily what brought me to this point. I pray and think and ask again what makes me the man that I am? I know, the Past. Hmmm? Isn't the past exactly that? Isn't it Past? Not for all of us. Sometimes, there are those that retain and relive and struggle with the past daily, sometimes even by the minute. We rise every day and tell ourselves we need to be here. We create the reasons and try our best to process them so that we can make it through another day. And still we ask, why am I so sad inside?
 I think that perhaps that very question keeps us captive to our sorrows and guilt. We tell ourselves we have no reason to be depressed and in doing so, we cause our selves to become more sad because we can not find a reason for our feelings. We try so hard to beat these feelings. The battle that rages within wears us down and tires the soul and so... we slip deeper into a world of darkness and the feelings of have no worth or purpose. The accomplishments that other see become failures because though we "wrote a novel" or "made a CD" or "raised a family", all accomplishments in any one else's eyes, we didn't reach the top. We didn't become number one best selling authors or music moguls. We only did these half-assed or part of the way. We Never became "Anyone!"
 Why are we this way? What makes a person see them-selves through "tunneled" eyes? Depression is a terrible illness. It effects nearly half the people in the world in some stage or another. Toss in a few other issues like the Bipolar and Tourrettes and you have a real mess to walk through every single day of your life. And for those that don't believe or find themselves disgusted with someone like me, please be kind. I see myself the same way you do. I do not need you to tell me what I look like to others. A kind word or sign of love will go so much further. Remember this, you never know how close to the "edge" of life someone is standing. You may be the very means to either push that person over or bring them back to a little safer distance from that edge.  

The Virtual card, a Facebook note... does it mean the same?

  February is a full Birthday month for my family. A sister and my two daughters and my brother and cousin all have birthdays this month. Also included in February was Sheila{my wife of 24 years} and her mother. Going to the store to pick out cards was an hour or better long process. Reading each card until you found just the right one for the person you were buying for. It was time consuming but to see the look on the receivers face as they read your card was priceless. Sometimes it was a phone call to say Thank you for the card they had received. No matter how it was given, the thank you was always nice to hear. It made you glad that you had taken the time to choose the card you did. The thank you was given with much heart because everyone respected the fact that each of our lives were busy and the thought that someone had taken the time to go out and search and find and send a card meant so much.
 Time has passed and technology came along. Real, physical cards were slowly replaced by virtual cards. Not such a bad thing, the "virtual" card made it possible for people that simply could not find the time to go out and buy a card to send one via "E-mail." This meant that people that might have just by-passed the sending of any kind of birthday or holiday card would still send a card through their e-mail. Beautiful cards, exactly like what you would find in a store were found and sent to friends and loved ones.  Most were free and could be personalized to say exactly what you wanted to say. Some said things you could not find in your own words to say. Still hugely used by so many, the "virtual" card sites have flourished and grown. The cards have evolved into "flash" and the scenes have become life-like and Beautiful. I myself have sent more than I can remember.
 Today, as my daughter celebrated her birthday, I was reading the newest way to say "Happy Birthday" or "I love you." It is becoming more excepted but I think my thoughts were no more than the same thoughts many have, only silently. As I read the "Happy Birthday's" that my daughter had received on Facebook, I heard her say a bit under her breath, "I better get a phone call or card from so and so." Social networks and writing on your status a message of endearment seems to be alright to many.
 That made me think about the time I had spent, opening, reading, listening to so many cards in Wal-Mart, searching for just the right card to give to her. The joy and the smiles that came with looking were part of the very reason I was there. There was such a difference in handing her the card, watching her read it and listening to her laughter than what would have come from her seeing a "happy birthday, daughter" on line. 
 I also wondered what she would have felt if for some reason she could not get on-line today? Would she wondered if anyone remembered her birthday? How sad a thought is THAT???? I am not saying that the on-line happy birthdays were not appreciated. They do make one smile. But the truth is, it can NOT replace the feeling inside of knowing someone cared enough to take time out of what is a very busy world and find a card... even a "virtual" card, and send it to you. I think that the "Net" has the potential to make us "lazy" in our sending of special cards for special moments. It is easier to just put a quick note up and say "There, now I have sent them a greeting." It just doesn't seem the same to me as taking the time to find a card that says you care.
 Do I think it means the same to put up "happy birthday" or "best wishes in your new life" on a social site, for all the world to see as it does to send something personal? Absolutely not. Something seems to get lost in the quick write or the extremely impersonal sending of a greeting that is sent not just to the person it is meant for, but sent for all the world to see. Impersonal begets impersonal and suddenly people you have never met in your life are sending the greeting because they saw it posted by their friend, you. It sort of puts your own greeting in the same place. Impersonal.
 Evolution is wonderful and today's technology has brought worlds together. But sometimes, now and then, we need to make things personal again. We need to let our friend or loved one know that they are special. One in a million not one OF a million. To group them with a million unknown people doesn't really do that to me. Just a thought I was thinking.     
 

Alzheimer's Disease... A Personal look.

Life at it's very best can still toss hurdles our way. Hurdles that can sometimes truly test the faith and love of a family. I have often written on care-giving and on the care-givers part in the maintaining of dignity of those we are caring for. That role, played by those that have someone that needs assistance in their daily routine applies to many illnesses. Whether the illness be one that cripples the physical body or the mind, keeping their dignity should always be priority one.
 Today, I want to talk about one particular illness. One that has found it's way into my families life and open up a whole new world of what to do's for all of us. My father, a man that has enhanced my life more than I could ever convey here, was diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease about a year ago. Alzheimer's disease is a form of dementia, a term used to describe a group of brain disorders that cause memory loss and a decline in mental function, over time. In fact, Alzheimer's disease is the most common form of dementia, affecting 5.3 million men and women in the United States. The numbers seem staggering at a glance but they become much more powerful when that number is reduced to one. One member that is a part of your life.
 Watching the progression of this disease leaves those that are looking on with so many emotions. Not in any way wanting to take away from the emotional roller-coaster that it places the inflicted on, I am giving you a "birds-eye view" of what is seen and experienced by those that love the Alzheimer's patient. Slight and easily given to the saying "it comes with age", the beginning doesn't really bring any remarkable actions from anyone. As the disease progresses, we, as a family, begin to watch closer, observing a greater loss of "short term" memory. My Father remembers anything that he lived from nearly birth to almost present day. In his daily routine, he may simply forget he has told you a story moments before re-telling the same exact tale. He has gone for a drive to the store and completely forgotten why he was in that parking lot. Not every minute nor even every hour is a forgotten time but more often than average.
 The driving issue brings to surface the reason I blog on this subject today. Recently, it was discovered that my Father's drivers license had expired nearly a year ago. Something that many, including myself have done at one time or another in our lives. This brought up the question, should he or should he not have it renewed. I wondered if he could even do so, being diagnosed with the illness. I put a call into our DOT {department of transportation} and presented the question to them. I was a bit surprised at the answer I received. DOT informed me that they ask the same question of anyone applying for a license. "Do you have any physical or mental disease that might impair your driving?" If the answer is no, a license is issued, providing of course that all requirements have been met. Should the applicant answer they have Alzheimer's, they are asked if it effects their ability to drive. If the answer is no, then the license is issued. IF they answer that it might, the DOT requires a written statement from the applicant's Doctor stating if the Doctor feels it is safe for the patient to possess a license. The issuing is then based on the Doctors opinion.
 Because of an incident in which a person was killed by a driver that suffered from advanced Alzheimer's, a concerned was raised as to whether my Father should simply choose NOT to have his license renewed. Opinions had been given by each of my siblings and myself. I asked him to take time in deciding if he would or would not renew. The conversation was gentle and extremely emotional at the same time. I told him that he had given to his kids for 50 years, anything that we needed, especially when it came to needing a ride somewhere or a vehicle when one of ours was down. I presented it to him as a way of us kids giving back to him what he had for so long and so freely given to all of us. Though it was a plea for him to make the choice NOT renew, he responded in a way that I did truly understand.
 Freedom and the ability to take care of himself was being threatened. It was not so much about not having a license any longer. It was about the fact that by not renewing, he was losing a huge part of his freedom. I learned long ago that losing ones freedom, for whatever reason, is one of the most frightening and disappointing losses in an Elderly persons life. They feel as if they are now at the mercy or burdening the people that care for them. In essence, they lose a bit of the dignity that comes with being able to care for their own needs, simply by driving to the store or Barber or where ever they might want to go, on their own. Thinking about driving, something we so often take for granted, unless we find ourselves without a vehicle, I realized how much I myself hate having to ask someone to take me somewhere if my car isn't running. That feeling, tacked on to the fact that a person with Alzheimer's may already be dependant on someone to do things for them they have done for themselves for 75 years and you have a great feeling of loss. The thought of "what more is going to be taken from me" is Very real for them. I believe that perhaps even a little bit of fear that they may become too much for the family is certainly setting right in the doorway, waiting to come inside of them.
 Do I still feel that my Father should Not renew his license? A part of me, the part that loves him very much and fears that harm may come to him or someone else says Yes. Most definitely. Does another part of me fully understand my Father's desire and reasoning for wanting to renew? Yes, absolutely, yes!!! What will we as a family do about this newest situation in our lives? We will do as we have always done best. We will band together as a family and do whatever is needed to make the situation as comfortable and safe as possible for all involved. My Father opened my eyes just a little more concerning preserving the dignity of those we love. He helped me understand a little more how easily it can appear that your freedom is being taken away. He also showed me that the freedom to make your own choices is something that can be frightening when the thought of losing that is present.
 I will pray God's watchful eyes on him and God's touch to give my Father the wisdom to know when it is time to chose differently.

Christmas... Jesus is the Reason

Christmas... the time of year that we celebrate the birth of our Lord, Jesus Christ. A season of laughter and smiles and family and friends. The time of year that we set aside our "differences" and come together to share our love. It is by far my very favorite time of the year. The sound of songs and joy fills the air. The smell of Turkey and dressing and pumpkin pie rushes to your senses as soon as the door is opened. Decorations adorn the living room and every archway that is open. The Christmas Tree is lit and sparkles and blinks red and green and blue colored lights. Some-where, in that same room that is filled with a Christmas Tree, the sound of Christmas Carols playing on the CD, ringing out that we Will "be home for Christmas, if only in our dreams." And on the center of the mantel, with the fireplace crackling and popping below, a Nativity Scene sits, recapturing the night in an Inn Stable, when a mother gave birth to a King.
 I have painted for you the beauty that is Christmas. A warmth coming from the words that are known through-out the World. My heart embraces them and then... a sadness finds it's way into my heart. Sadness that the "joy" of Christmas is not felt by every heart that pumps life into our body. For in this world of such abundant love and joy and gifts and food, there are Still those that will not reap the beauty that is our Christmas. Homeless people, that will spend their Christmas searching for a warm blanket and a meal. Children that do not have a Christmas Tree lighting their way down the hallway in the Wee hours of the morning. No gift wrap will be strewn across their floor and no laughter will echo through their homes.
 The reality of this is that more than 1 million children will go hungry this Christmas season. Families that have lost their jobs due to an economy that is struggling simply to hold it's own. And if their are a million children that are hungry this season, that means their are 20 million + that are Not hungry. Why, I ask you? Why, in a world rich with food and resources, would one single child ever have to feel the coldness that can be this season? Are there not enough homes that will have more food at their table than any one family could possibly eat, to feed that child or family? Doesn't the ratio of not hungry to hungry set on a scale that is terribly out of balance? We have the means to assure that not one child goes hungry.
 We have the ability to make certain that these families can fill the warmth of the Christmas Season. So long ago, a baby was born in the city of David we know as Bethlehem. He came to the Earth to bring peace and good will to all men. We, as his brothers and sisters, can carry on that gift to those less fortunate. It is as simply as opening your door to a stranger in need. The blessings that come with giving of ourselves is absolutely the most beautiful gift we have to give. It doesn't cost a dime because you are only giving to them what you would have tossed at the end of the meal. The rewards how ever are Gihugic!  That means Huge and then some.
 This year, give the gift that keeps on giving. Share of yourself and the feeling inside will go on and on for you. Love is free and God's gift to us is eternal life. Make this year the year you start a new tradition or the continuation of an old one. Open your hearts and your door to someone in need. A family that is alone. A soldier that is away from his family at Christmas time. Light a candle with in someones heart and remember what this season is REALLY about. It is about a baby that became our Lord and Savior. It is about sharing and laughter and love.
 
{{Luke 2:8-14 “And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night.
And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people.
For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord.
And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.
And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying,
Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.}}}


   Merry Christmas to you all.....

This is Me, Uncovered...

  I began a bit earlier responding to my nephews comments on the blog before this one. As I began to write, I realized two things. First, I am not known as the long-winded responder here on line for no reason. I am exactly that. My responses sometimes look more like "short stories" than simply replies to a comment. To some that is a good thing and to others... well. I stopped my reply to Joshua and decided to write it here instead. I found that I had more to say than perhaps should be in a comment section. Thank you Josh for writing and allowing me the chance to do what I love to do. That is, to write. Though I am responding to Joshua's comments, I believe that many can feel and understand the words here.
 Joshua, I too am glad you found your way here though I will say again, it is with an amount of uncertainties still, for now at least. I am extremely open in my writings here and endeavour to reach out and touch lives. Lives that sometimes believe they are very alone in the many things they experience on a daily basis.  Far too often, a soul becomes lost simply based on the feeling of being odd or a freak because of some of the issues they must deal with daily. Fears that are very real. They all have the ability to separate people from others in an attempt to conceal the issues they do not want the world, especially family, to know they suffer from. How sad that there are more families than you might even want to believe that refuse to believe or acknowledge that someone they love may indeed suffer from a disorder such as bipolar or Tourettes or that they may be Manic. A denial that normally comes from something so simple as not understanding. And as I am known to say often, that which is unknown or not understood is either feared or shunned by those not inflicted.
 Far too often, that soul becomes lost simply because the very ones they love refused to listen to the issues they must deal with daily. Not knowing always if there is somewhere, someone to turn to that will listen. They Know God is Always there as I truly do know. But sometimes the soul yearns for a more human touch of the heart to show them they are not so different, not experiencing things that many others in this world do, each and every day. There are so many different forms of depressions and mental disorders today but most, if not all of them have one thing in common. They leave the inflicted feeling very alone and sometimes even ashamed that they can not always fight these issues.
 I said earlier that I was glad that Joshua had found my site but not without some fear or uncertainties. In reading more and more of my blogs, Josh is going to read things about myself that he may not know. He will see sides of my depression and the effects that the Bipolar and Tourettes have on my daily life that I may have been alright with being less known. But he will also see the love and devotion I have to My father in heaven. the faith that I placed in him with My Sheila for 25 years. He will see the Blessings that God has given to me in learning to take the saddest, hardest times of my life and make them lessons to grow by.
 Joshua was responding to a blog concerning the feelings of selfishness when we take time for our selves. Feeling that in taking time for our own selves, we are taking away time that we could have been devoting to someone that truly needed our help. He made some really good points in saying that though it is easier to give of our selves to someone else than to our own selves, if we do not take time for us, then we may not be good for anyone else. The words do ring with truth but often applying those words to our own lives isn't as easy and does not seem as important. Feeling undeserved of the very love and inspiration we strive to have others believe they DO deserve is a way of life for those like me. A thought process that echos over and over that We are not here to make our selves feel good but to reach out to those that feel alone or lost or different.
 A song rings in my ear that I have loved for as long as I can remember hearing it. Bless the Beasts and The Children. {Karen Carpenter sang it beautifully} It says to bless the beasts and the children for they have no voice or choice. Give them warmth when darkness surrounds them and give them hope and love. That is my true desire and I would do without if it meant another would not. And so it brings us back to the beginning in pondering the thought that if we want to have time to ourselves, are we selfish? Did wanting someone I love very much to Not visit one day leave me marked as cruel and unfeeling? Was the suffering and tears I cried for that day worth the time I Took for myself? Or would it have been better to simply say No to myself and allow the visit?
 These are just some of the things I struggle with daily. This is but a tiny part of what my world is like up close and personal. The fear inside that someone close to me, dear to my heart, will now see things about me that may turn them away. Please readers, do not believe for a moment that a loved one would not do such a thing. If this were not so, then we would have a lot less sad, lonely people that one day simply say "Enough... I can't live in this sadness any longer" and give in to something that can not be undone. God's perfect love is that we turn away no one and yet, still, in this world there are those that are loved more and shunned less by strangers {perhaps Angels Unseen} than by their own family.
 Remember, smile at everyone you see. You have no idea what battle they may be fighting inside. Your smile may be just what they needed to say, "It is worth another day."          

And so... I write.

Morning comes to us whether we wish it to or not. Waking, standing and starting my day at 5 a.m., many say, "any day I wake is a good day." I wonder. For many, starting the day is as simple as dressing and going to work. For some, it is the beginning of thoughts that plagued you in your sleep. The reminder that you have unfinished business from the yesterdays that have already past. Business that is really about trying to settle your thoughts. The attempt, no matter how feeble, to find a way to face the guilt that has been a part of your anxieties for days.
 For those of you that have grown children, I think you will understand. I am a father and proudly, I am a Grand-father for the first time. The love I feel for the newest addition to the family is bigger than I could have imagined. A gift from God that I cherish each and every day. Another blessing in a long line of heaven sent blessings that my life has been so beautifully graced by.
 But... there is so much more to this. I mentioned guilt. Guilt that over-powers me and takes me where I wish not to be. Bipolar? Mind issues? Perhaps... or maybe as normal as any other parent reading this. I love to see my daughter and thank God daily that she is so close to me. A few blocks and she is here at the house. But what of the days that I would rather just be alone? Not so much a fact of not wanting to see her. More, the need to have time to sit alone and do my writing or what-ever else I may choose to do. Wrong and selfish to want that? Ahhh, that is the question I do not know how to answer. The very core of my anxieties this day and sleeplessness last night.
 I thought of her and Baby Robert, alone all day as I sat here, quite able to go and bring her over to my home. But I did not. I sat here and the guilt stormed my senses and left me unable to do most anything. Should a parent truly Not want to see his child and grand-child? Is that wrong or is it normal? I carry that question through-out my day and tears  stream down my face. I know of millions that would give anything for the chance to see their loved ones every single day. And yet, I chose not to do that. For what, alone time? I am over-come with wondering. Where does a parent that opts not to see his kids and grand-kids fit in? Am I selfish in this act? Should I chastise myself and make sure I don't do it again?
 My love for my children is full and never ending. My need for time alone is strong and sometimes endless. My guilt is always. This is my life and the thoughts race past me to fast to stop one. And so... I write. The out that purges so much when we are able to place our thoughts in writing. The sasatisfaction that at least Once today, I have sat and stopped my world long enough to write. I do not want to bring my daughter here based on guilt. I want to See her because she is loved. Step into my world for a moment and see why I become so lost in thoughts. My little Bipolar brain crying for the loneliness she had to endure because "I" wanted to be alone. A guilt that will need to be settled in my own way. But that, is another write all in and of it's self.   

Tis the Season to Be... Spinning out of control????

I look out the window and watch the rain falling steadily down to the street. It shows no sign of stopping and I wonder when it will turn to ice. the cold doesn't really effect me as much as the knowledge that soon, we will be stuck in the house due to Old Man Winter settling in. I think about the long winter and everything that comes with it. My mind is racing and thoughts are nearly impossible to grab and deal with. I shake my head and know that it is That time of year again. A time that leaves my mind and body filled with emotions and thoughts and fears.
 Most that read my blogs know that I am Bipolar2. Some know that I also suffer from Tourettes. I maintain and lead a fairly normal life with the exception of a need to "wander" when in a store or out doing things. Some look at me and others like me as freaks. there are those that fear us, as though we may attack them or cause some kind of harm to them. Believe me when I say we are far more dangerous to our own selves then to anyone around us. Life is a maze that we struggle through daily. Those that we love and trust, extremely few and far, help to keep us grounded.
 Is this blog about being bipolar? Not really. I simply add my disorders as a means of understanding for you. At least, I hope it helps you in some way. This blog is about the time of year that is here. For me and I suspect many, whether bipolar or not, this is a very Bitter-sweet time of the year. It splits us right down the center and leaves us with highs and lows that travel through our minds like a raging Bull. It causes me to go from euphorically happy and energized to complete depression of the frightening kind. My loved ones watch me closer. My therapist waits expectantly for the depression to raise and lower and cause me to feel like a piece of Silly Putty, being pulled from one end to another.
 I think, as I write this, that I will not be alone in the way I feel inside this season. I am Not the only one that feels this way. I am Not the only one that can't decide if they are happy or sad at the approaching season and the Holidays it brings with it. Ahhhhhhh, there... the word finally emerged. It is not only the cold and ice and rain and snow that brings me to where I am. There are Holidays, one only 3 days away, that also cause the highs and lows. The holidays bring on fears and memories that make my head shake, in the most literal way. There is the coming together of family and friends. Something I love and look forward to anytime we can get together. Anddddd, there is that "OMG" fear that there will be a group and it will be crowded and "will I do something to draw attention to my disorders!!??" 
 The holidays are so beautiful and Christmas is easily my favorite time of the year. But! The stores are packed with people. People that do not understand my issues. People that would view my ticks and small out-bursts as something to fear or shun. What is not understood is normally feared. I know I have to go into the stores to get what I need. O know that there Will be a moment or two that I become a bit lost and seek out a place that seems safe and I Will sit there, hoping that  someone I love walks by and finds me.  I may even cry while walking through the store. Not something I Want to do. Something that just happens. It may be because I saw something beautiful that touched my heart and so I cry. It might be seeing something that takes me back to when My Sheila was with me and we walked though the store, laughing and smiling and loving one another.{I miss her.} Or maybe, just maybe, it was nothing at all except that the people and the store and the season have suddenly over whelmed me and I just cry. So many thoughts. So many to worry about and love and try to be there for, knowing in my soul that I have NOT been. Guilt that can not be measured and more than it can be imagined. You really have to walk through it, literally.
 This is my life. This is how I walk through life every single day of my life. Some very good days filled with love and smiles. Some days not so happy, filled with sadness and an aloneness that completely engulfs you and tries to smother the life out of you. What ever the day may be like, I walk through it with the hope that I will win another battle. Not the war. I don't ask to win the war that day. I simply pray that I can defeat the enemy that is mine. An enemy that is invisible to the rest of the world, making it impossible to explain or give reason for my actions.
 The Holidays. A time for joy and laughter and smiles. A time for fear and sadness and a deep depression that kicks my butt in ways most can not even imagine. I am there. I am half dizzy because my mind is spinning so fast. This can be a very, very long season...   

Internet friendships and/or relationships. To pursue or not to pursue!!!!

People often ask me about my time on the Net. Being what I would call a veteran of the World Wide Web, I think I am qualified to answer Most questions a person might ask me. There is truthfully, very little I have Not done here nor is there a lot of places I have not visited. from the surfing to chatting to meeting and to the "more" that many of you understand, I have done it all. I was there when voice wasn't. I saw yahoo voice and MSN voice and even was in on the "Cheetah chat" thing. Some lasted and some simply disappeared. Very much like the relationships and friendships that developed here.
 Statistically, 1 in every 5 relationships begin on the Internet now. 32% of the couples today, whether married or simply living with one another, met here on the Net. Those numbers will grow, no doubt in my mind. How successful are the relationships that come from the Web? According to those in the know, about as successful as the relationships born on the Computer screens. Wonderful to know that so many are finding love here. I am happy for those that have found that one true love here. I know what that is like. So then, if Love is in Bloom right here at your fingertips, is there a downside to on-line relationships or friendships??? The answer to that is a For certain... YES!
 When we meet someone here and we give our hearts to them, we begin a walk of life that is as real as anything you will ever find "off-line."  The love is strong and real and the friendships are deep and true. If you are one of the lucky souls to find a real love, then you have already learned how deep a relationship here can and often does reach. The love and caring for someone here is powerful. It can fill your heart and soul with wonder and beautiful feelings and at the same time, it can tear your heart into tiny shreds. I think perhaps the worst part of it all is that things can happen to those you love without your knowledge. Your friend or Love can suddenly vanish from the web and if you can not reach them here or if you are close enough, by phone, you are left wondering and worrying what has become of them. There are so many things that could be the reason they have not contacted you.
 Relationships here are as I said, Powerful!!! They effect your daily thoughts and actions and your heart and soul. As I mentioned before, I have been on just about every scenario that could exist here. I have fallen in love here. I have been hurt terribly here, I have been the cause of hurt and sorrow to many here. I have carried the weight of loved ones and have been carried by those that love me here. I have recieved the "phone call" telling me it is over. i have heard the sadness and tears when I told someone I was "moving on." I have laughed and cried and loved and hated during my 12 years on line. I have also been on the receiving end of two calls, a  family member telling me that the one I cared for and/or loved had gone to heaven, never to be heard from again. I have cried hard for those that passed on and the pain is as real as it gets.
 But truly, I Do believe that the worst part of loving here, whether it be friendship or so much more, is the not knowing. The hours of fear that something terrible has happened to them. the confusion as to where your friendship or love has gone. No response is a scary place to be and waiting in silence for some sort of word that they are alright. The Net went down or their connection wasn't good. 1000 and one reasons why they are not on, but none of them matter because all you can think about is {"where are they.} Thus is the way of the Net and knowing, caring and loving someone here. Something completely beautiful and something fully frightening, mixed and mingled into two places... your screen and your soul.
 Do I recommend meeting someone on line? Would I encourage you to give your heart to someone that is a screen away?Oh Yes, 100%. But..................... I also whisper your way that it can be both fabulous and heart tearing. It has the potential to bring heaven to Earth for you or make life a roller-coaster. At any rate, I would say, try it. Meet someone. Be friends or more. the rewards will almost for certain out weigh any sadness you may ever know.  I wish you only the best...   

Time alone... is it enough???

I don't go here often anymore... at least not in writing. I feel the pain and sorrow as strongly today as I did 4 years ago. I hear people say that Time heals all. I listen to people talk about how they live in the present and in the future. The past is no longer an "issue" for them. Hmmmm, I wonder if that is totally true. I too live in the present and the future but both have been form in part by my own past. Places I have been and things I have done created the life that is now and in front of me. Now and then, I still go back.
 This morning, listening to an old Elvis tract, he sang "Memories" to me. {Memories, pressed between the pages of my mind. Memories, sweeter as it ages just like wine.......} Words, precious and true that rang through me like church bells, perhaps in part because of the way that Elvis put so much emotion in his words. My heart and mind traveled back for a moment. I remembered our first snowball fight. I recalled the time before our first daughter was born, Time we spent laughing and smiling and playing. We would walk in the rain and never feel it's cold. We would run and reach out in front of our selves, as if we could catch the wind and ride it for a while.
 Time heals??? Time does have it's effects on the memories we carry inside of our hearts and souls. I do not cry every time I think of my Sheila. I do not dwell and allow myself to drift away from the present or for go the future for fear I may one day forget. I assure you that forgetting is not going to be an issue I need worry about. But I don't think Time could do what it is somehow meant to be without adding and element to it. New... new memories, new people, new hearts to love and memories to make. That is an element that I believe absolutely Must be present in order to truly move forward. Without new memories to fill in and grow, I think that a person might simply atrophy. Their hearts and souls, their very being needs to be fed new realities. This is what moves a person on after the loss of a loved one. I don't think it is a matter of "Time" as much as it is having memories to add to the old ones and make them not quite as predominate in ones mind. Always in the heart but perhaps a little bit of peace of the soul also.
 Today... I think of my love and all that we were to each other. She was my best friend and my lover. She was my safe place and my heart. She was the world to me in so many ways. She will remain all of those things, I think forever but, I am also allowing for new memories and new life to come forth. A new grandchild has come into my life. baby Robert is a gift from heaven and I believe with my heart and soul that My Sheila saw him before any of us did.

Mixed emotions... do we or don't we?

Rain mixed with sleet... a dangerous combination for anyone that must drive in it. Strange way to start a blog but where I am going with this will help you understand. Deciding how important it is to go out and drive in that nasty mix becomes the thought of the day. Is whatever you need to do needed enough to actually make the trek outside? You already know that there is a chance you could slide or lose control and end up in a ditch or worse.
 The same can be said for people that are bipolar or tourrets. Sometimes, deciding whether we want to go outside into the elements {i.e. the world} can be a difficult and scary decision. We know that there is a chance we may lose control or "slide off into a ditch." waking with anxiety levels high makes every thing we decide to do an issue. A simple task becomes monumental and words from a seemingly innocent statement can be so simply mis-construed in our minds. The "what she said-what he heard" scenario comes in to play far too easily. Already tense and often a bit agitated because of our anxiety level, we take things the wrong way.  An offer of help or a bit of advise is felt as a personal attack on our mood. The swings from high to low bounce back and forth like a pinball machine. The harder we try to ease the levels of being tense, the more confused or irritated we get. At that point, our actions are taken personal by those that were simply trying to help us.
 Fear comes in to play for those that suffer, fear that something Will happen or something Will be said that sends us into a tail-spin. The entire world outside of our safe place {Home} appears to be at war with us. People just waiting to upset us or find something wrong with whatever we are doing. Embarrassment at perhaps having to explain our actions or ask for understanding leaves us even more stressed. A combination of wanting to do something outdoors and the fear of what might happen if we do go outside.  This is as dangerous for us as the rain and sleet that falls on a highway we are traveling on. Doing what you do when traveling on those treacherous roads is exactly what we should do when we go out when on a severe high or low. Slow down... take time to watch the road ahead, and avoid situations that might add to the chance of a stronger anxiety attack. Life isn't always easy for sure. There is always something trying to find a way to confuse us or disorientate us. We can only do our best and hope the rest of the world is kind to us...   

Robert is here...

Things I know about... Hmmmm? Babies. I know a lot about babies. I have been watching them in one way or another for about 40 years. I remember as a young man, our church took the "go forth and multiply" verse extremely serious. The families reproduced at an amazing rate and there were children "abundantly" to be held and cared for. My love for babies was apparent and their love for me was equally returned. Parents seem to see the honesty and trust in me and they willingly aloud me to hold their babies during church service. Nothing really unusual except that I was male and few males in the church were interested in holding a baby. It wasn't really "manly" I guess. I really didn't care about that. I just loved babies.
 When my sister came to visit us in Canada, she brought her first daughter Lisa along with her. Lisa was very tiny and I found myself wanting a baby so very much. I was 16 at the time and knew then that I wanted a lot of kids. 5 girls was the magic number for me, although my wife and I only managed to have 2 daughters. Both were then and remain one of my life's greatest gifts from God. I was to be blessed many years later with two more beautiful little ladies. The pure, untainted love of a child is something that is unmatched by very few things on this earth.
 Babies are a precious gift that God "lends" to us for a time. We love them, teach them about life and watch them grow and become adults themselves. While we are very busy teaching them about life, they are teaching us the same. We learn love and patience and understanding. We learn that we will make mistakes along the way but that our children are forgiving and often never see the mistakes we made while raising them. We shower them with love, both pure and sometimes "tough love." In the end, we hopefully have children that grow to be responsible, loving adults that take what we have tried to teach them and apply it to their own adult lives.
 And then, there is the next step in the ladder of life. It is the very inspiration for this write today. Yes, yes and yes-s-s-s-s-s-s, I am finally a grand-father. My oldest daughter and her husband blessed my life with the gift of a baby boy. Robert entered my life on the 12th of October,2010. A wonderfully beautiful little man that weighed just 6 lbs even. Instantly, I fell in love with this little man and he has added such joy and peace to my heart. Never could I have imagined how this little tiny baby could have impacted my life. He has brought so many smiles and so much laughter to this household. Babies are for certain precious gifts. But when that baby is your own grandson, there is an added bonus to it all. Un-conditional love that comes from this baby. He will bring to our lives a new chance to make mistakes and love and smile and laugh and cry. He will enhance our lives and give us reasons to love and spoil and learn new lessons about life. 
 Robert, the next step in the circle of life is here now. He is beautiful and handsome and a true gift direct from our father God in Heaven. I am thankful and feel graced to have this baby to hold and watch grow. Together, he and I will learn brand new and exciting things to do I will do my best to be a good example... well other than when I am teaching him to write his name in the snow as he "relieves" himself while we walk through the surrounding forest here. I have lived to see my grand-child and I thank God for that gift.   

Entrecard... where writers meet.

Today, there are so many sites that promise to help promote and advance your blog site. some of them even follow through but not without a great deal of effort and time by the writer. The fact is, writers write. that is what we do. It is our passion and our life's desire. We spend countless hours writing our thoughts and our feelings and filling out pages with words that we hope will become a novel or a poem. We seek out sites to help our writing or our blogs and find time to be a great commodity. We Need a place to go that we can be confidant that it will promote for us and out-reach to other writers. A place that does all we need but does not take all of our time.
 Entrecard offers exactly that. A place to meet authors and people that share a passion for writing. A place to advertise and promote your writing so that others can share your stories, poems and thoughts you wish to write. Entrecard offers a site to advertise your writings and connect with people of like mind. The other writers can visit your site and see what you are sharing each day. You can advertise on their site, using the points you earn by visiting other members sites. The points can also be turned into cash if that is what you want to do.
 Entrecard serves many purposes for writers but the most important pro to using Entrecard is the link between writers and their blog sites with other writers. The best link is the one that leads others directly to your site. That is what entrecard does for it's users. It puts writers where they can be seen and connects them to the rest of the World Wide Web.

Dignity... You can help your loved one.

I sit here today and think back to my life's experiences. I remember when I first starting writing in this blog, how many things came to me each and every day. No efforts to find things I knew about and to write them down for you, the reader to enjoy and/or learn from. I realized today that life needs to happen in order to have something to write about. And all to often, life is or has happened around us and we didn't even see it. Too busy, I guess, living to really stop and see what we are living for. Sl-l-l-l-o-o-o-o-o-w down if you can. You will be amazed at what you see.
 That said, my thoughts do go back to an issue that is very real and up close to me in my life. It is "living" happening.  I have dealt with sickness and hospitals and doctors in such numbers, I can not even begin to imagine how many there have been. Sheila's {my wife that has gone to heaven} illness kept us in or near hospitals and doctors for 25 years. My daughters grew up more used to sleeping in hospital chairs and eating fast food on the run than living or sleeping at home. Such, was simply our life and we lived it as best as we could. It was what we did so that we could be near my Sheila as she spent about 1/2 of our married life in hospitals. There were things we strived to do to maintain the one thing that seems to be the first casualty of being repeatedly in the hospital. For that matter, a quick Jot into the ER or doctors office can do the same.
 I am of course talking about your dignity. The one thing that no matter how hard you try, somewhere it will be violated. But a new medical issue has come into my families life. Something that I have watched the family come to terms with and draw closer, as a family should when one is inflicted with an illness. This is new to all of us and though you read about it, talk about it and yes, have even made or told jokes about it, when the reality of it comes falling down in your own lap, you stand up and take notice. A loved one in our family was recently diagnosed with Alzheimer's. This illness devastates more than one million people and the effects are felt through-out the entire family and circle of friends. Alzheimer's takes your memory and your thought process and can take much more than those precious commodities from you. It also has the potential of stripping the inflicted of their very dignity. I have spoken on dignity in the past and am passionate about how one goes about preserving it for our loved ones. It is a bit confusing when a loved one becomes inflicted with this brain cell destroying disease. The first action taken seems to be to make light of the loved ones actions and inability to remember short term in an effort to allow them to feel less sensitive to the issue. That is quickly realized as NOT the thing to do. This action can sometimes have the very opposite wanted reaction. But then "the road to Hell is paved with good intentions" obviously personifies in part our "good" intentions.
 I return to the thoughts of dignity. When a loved one becomes ill, and any number of illnesses can be used here, they find themselves in situations that can be embarrassing. Though we can not take the embarrassment's away, once they happen, we, as loved ones can reach out and lessen the effects of the disease. A sound or action can say to them that they are a bother. Your actions will speak louder than life itself to them. To listen to a story that has been told moments before. To watch a loved one redo something they had just finished doing. To watch them forget for a moment where exactly they are at a given time. These are some of the effects of the illness. They each have the ability to steal away dignity by leaving the one inflicted wide open to an others actions. Taking the time to listen and caring enough to not only listen to a story repeated, but to not let them see in your eye's, EVER, that you have just heard a story. The memories that they DO find are so very important to them. Sharing them and showing an enjoyment in hearing them will thwart any chances that you could make the individual feel as if they are ignorant in any way. 
 When my wife was walking, she didn't need to worry if her dress was pulled down or if she was sitting properly. She didn't have to ask to go the restroom or eat dinner or even shower. She was treated with respect and knew her worthiness to all that loved her. There are things that even she said she took so much for granted when she could walk. I, as her husband and care-giver had to also learn along our journey to do things for her in a way that it kept her dignity. I learned by watching and by her gentle teachings. When she needed to go to the bathroom when first disabled, it embarrassed her. She was unsure and very young in our marriage, the trust issue was still in in infancy state. Sometimes I would be doing things and she would need me. Life was crazy for us and time was a luxury we seldom were allotted. I would sometimes sigh or ask her to give me a minute. I would sometimes sound exhausted or "put off." I was after-all new to this also. One day while she was calling for me to help her, I yelled I was busy. "Hang on a minute!" was my terrible response. When I "got to her" she sat there silently crying. My heart broke into a billion pieces when I saw what my words had done to her. A guilt I carry with me even today. I took her to the bathroom and lifted her with such care and love. She finished then asked if I had a minute. I assure you, the way I had hurt her assured that I had at least a minute. this is what she said. This... was my first lesson in Dignity for her.
  "I often wait until I really can not wait any longer to call you. I do this because I know you are busy trying to care for 2 babies and a wife that can not walk. I do this because I love you and I don't want to put more on you than is already there. But baby, I do this too because it embarrasses me to have to ask for help to go to the bathroom. To have you pull my pants down or skirt up makes me feel very vulnerable. You never complain or say a word but I know it frustrates you as much as it does me. But think of this. How do you feel when you are in a hospital gown and the nurses decide to walk you up and down the aisle? You pull the back shut over and over. You turn beet red if someone sees your butt. That is for a day or two. I live that way every single day. My dignity goes out the window when you have to do those things for me. I just want you to understand that IF I could I would but I can't so I trust in you to be there for me, as you always are."
 Through tears that flowed for hours, I heard her words over and over in my head. I thought about how I moved her or how I turned her at night.I thought about the way I lifted her or sat her down. And I began to change the way I did some things. I began to see her as a strong lady, filled with love and caring and the desire to just be respected for who she was. I made sure that she never ever felt like a burden. I helped her with a renewed love and respect that carried us through 100 hospital stays and more doctors office visits than I care to remember. Whatever we did, where ever we went, I made sure that she looked beautiful and was moved and treated with all the dignity she was deserving of. Because of this, she was able to continue life with respect and dignity.
 Over the years, the trust issues of course were settled and the way I conducted my self with her was always with the deepest of love. We were granted 19 more years than the doctors gave her and lived everyone of them as wonderfully and gracefully as we could. What a wonderful teacher she was. The Muscular Dystrophy Association has done many studies on Dignity in their patients. they too have learned that healing comes faster when treatment is given with respect to the patients medical condition and their state of mind. Although the loved one in our family does not require such extensive physical aide, it is still so important to allow them to be them-selves and not feel that the illness is a burden to others or that "They" in any way, tax you nor put a strain on you. I pray that each and everyone of you go through this life never having to deal up close and personal with an ill loved one. But should you, remember that Dignity is something you are freely given . You can reach out to a loved one and give them a peace of mind and assure them that they do NOT need to be different in any way. You love this person and they love you. That truly is All that matters.

Writing for You...

I looked at the name of my blog-site today and it made me wonder. "Things I Know about" was started for several reasons. I wanted a place to put my thoughts. I wanted this place to be somewhere that I could write openly and honestly about issues that effect almost everyone, at least once in their lives. Obviously, the experiences would be a little different from each other since I know that not everyone is bipolar. I know that those that stop here may have loved ones that are inflicted with this disorder. I know that people will stop here for their own personal reasons. They may pass through and never leave a mark on the page. I do hope though that when they leave, they are able to take a little something with them from my own past.
 But back to the name of the site here. "things I know about" started out with me telling you, the reader, about how things in my life had taught me new lessons. How the actions or happenings around me gave me choices of how I would react to each of them. And I wrote about exactly that. From being bipolar and suffering from Tourettes to losing the love of my life and how I would deal with it all, I wrote it down here for you to see. Sometimes, I dug so deep into my soul that I felt as if I were standing naked before each of you. I wrote about my smiles and my tears and the heart break of losing someone so dear to me, it was more like a physical part of my body was torn away from me. The pain was as real as any pain might be, should you have your arm or leg ripped off of your body. You felt it in my writing and I bared my everything for you.
 When I look at some of my writings that are more recently written, I tried to see something I had learned from the event or feeling I was writing about. When I write about my issues of trying to deal with my mind taking me to dark places, telling you how scared or how lonely or sad I am, am I telling you about things I know about? Am I simply writing my thoughts without giving to you a lesson learned? After re-reading a few of the blogs, I believe that I am doing that. i am telling you the roads that being bipolar takes me down. I am showing you that by my writing about it, being candid, that I Am dealing with it. I hope that I am telling you that you are not alone. That is something I know. I am displaying for you things that you as a bipolar person may encounter and that by remembering something you have read here, you will feel a bit less alone. There is a peace in knowing that others feel what you are feeling.
 Even when I wrote my short stories here for you, I am expressing my inner self. Writing is extremely therapeutic for me and so... I write. I write with all of my heart and soul, hoping that maybe it will bring at least of small measure of peace to your souls.
 Things I have learned or that I am learning each and everyday are things I want to pass on to you. I will sometimes write abstractly and may even seem confused in my writing. I am sure that the reader has been exactly where I am at the time of my writing. Lessons are brought to us every day in many forms. It is up to us to decide what we are going to do with them. Those days that I wish no longer to be on this earth are choice days. I can choose to stay or go. So far, thankfully, I have chosen to stay around a bit longer. I will continue to write as long as life allows me to do so.  

From Beauty to the Ugliness within... My World.

Autumn... my favorite season of all. I feel energized and a peace about me when this season comes along. Today, one of the most perfect Fall days. It is rainy outside. The clouds are hanging low and dark. Mid-day and lights need to be on to make it light enough to type. Leaves are falling as the rain falls on them and the ground is splattered with the colors of Fall. The grass is still green, with a hint that it might still grow if the Sun would only caress it with it's warmth.
 My porch, long and wide with new wood  that smells so good and looks so very clean. The perfect setting for a Fall day. A cup of hot coffee, flavored with French Vanilla creamer, is held lovingly in my hand. I look out at the rain, thunder rolling somewhere in the not too distant. A trace of lightening flashes across the sky. Not enough to warrant going inside for shelter. Just enough to add to this Fall day. And then, I catch the scent that tells me Fall has truly arrived. I breath in the fragrance of fire-wood, burning somewhere in this little town. It is like heaven to me and I smile softly to myself. How I wish autumn would never have to go away. The knowledge that winter is just around the corner both excites me and saddens me.
And then I feel it. The tear that is slowly making it's way to my cheek. It's warmth turning to quickly to cold on my face. Another follows the same path as the first tear and my mind begins to wander as it does so very often these days. Do they know??? Do they feel me without me speaking? Do my smiles cover enough to hide the torment that I feel, ravishing my insides... fighting my every attempt at simply enjoying this perfect Fall day? Just like the rain taking the leaves down to the ground as it falls, I do not want to take my loved ones down with me. How my soul and my heart fight one another. My heart so wanting to simply enjoy but my soul will not let me.
 Can you imagine living this way? Is it possible to continue to survive when everything you do is turned to tragedy or guilt? A life that any man would beg to have. Something precious that the world searches and steals and lies and cheats just to hold for a moment. Peace, serenity and contentment. They are all mine to have and hold and Yet!!!!!!! I can not find that contentment inside my soul. I think of the bipolar and the tourettes and all that it does to me. Thieves in the night that steal away what is rightfully Mine. A constant reminder that I am Not like everyone else. That I can not simply live my life and not fear that one or the other will pop up at the most inopportune time and whisk away the smile that found it's way to my face. A soul, torn to shreds by wrongs not even his own. tears cried for loved ones because he Fears that they will be sad. Feeling that he IS responsible for their smiles as well as their sadness. Trying desperately to carry their pain so that They can have this beauty and contentment that is so easily his own. A Sadness that over takes me in a way few could imagine.
 I stepped out onto the porch again, taking in the wonders that are Fall. I feel the heaviness of all my thoughts and my mind becomes confused. Is it anger or pain or sadness or happiness that is striving so hard to reach the top of my head and escape? Too many thoughts running around up there to really figure out which one will win yet. All I can do is let the day finish out. I will try to pull out some of the incredible beauty of the day and make it my own. I am not greedy. I do not need it all. Just a little bit of this scene, minus the tears of depression. A man, blessed far more than any man, especially This man, ever deserved to be bless, and yet, sadness is my constant companion. I am not an "unhappy" man. I love to smile and make others laugh and feel good. I love to know that I bring joy to some lives and that when I leave this world, I will be remembered in a good way. Will I be remembered as a good man that had a good heart? I do hope so.
 Welcome to my world. I wonder if anyone will See the pain I fight every day.  Will they read the depth of my sorrows in my words today or will they just see a pathetic nothing, that sits and writes, nothing? Can You feel the depth of my sorrows? Sorrows with not a reason in the world to be there. "I" do not even know where it comes from. I only know that it comes to me during my most serene and love filled times. The highs that are so high, I am euphoric and can envision a fireplace, softly burning, in my living room. I can see myself sitting near the fire, warming myself and smiling as I watch the family going about their day. Such beautiful thoughts. Sighsssss... And then, they are gone. Replaced with a Low that revivals my highest High. Who would choose to live this way? No one would ever ask to live this way. When you doubt that it is real, you give me cause to think that I could have done something to NOT be this way. You crush my very heart and make me feel stupid and weak. Do you know that you do this to me??? Will you cry for me when you read this? I wonder...